Hand In My Pocket
by The Last Letter
Summary: AU. After being married for eleven years and being separated for seven months, Connor has come to accept that his relationship with Jude is over completely. But when the worst of unexpected events finds the two of them sharing a house together once more, can they fix what they once broke?
1. I'm Tired But I'm Working

**For Andrew, my friend and a destructive muse. I hope you like how I wrote out your idea, babe.**

 _The strangest thing in the world,_ Connor thought, _had to be knocking on your own front door._

Then again, it wasn't his front door. Not anymore. Not really. His name was still on the deed and he was still dutifully paying his portion of the mortgage. Were he to lift the key still on his ring to the door, it would still fit the lock. But he wasn't welcome here anymore. Jude had made that perfectly clear.

Were it not for Mikey, Connor would probably never see Jude again.

The door opened with a flourish and his son poked his head out. It had been less than a week since Connor had seen Mikey, but he seemed different. His red hair seemed bright; his freckles more numerous; and his six year old limbs seemed lankier.

"Hi, Dad!" Mikey gasped. Mikey always seemed to be excited about _something._

"Hey!" Connor caught him as Mikey jumped forward for a hug. "Are you ready to go?"

"No," Mikey admitted. "I still have to pack my bag."

"You're such a procrastinator." Connor laughed as he put Mikey down.

Mikey squinted at him. "What's that mean?"

"It means you put things off."

Connor's gaze snapped upward. He hadn't even heard Jude approach. "Hi."

Jude ignored him. Instead, he rested a hand on top of Mikey's head. "Why don't you go get your weekend bag ready? Dad and I need to talk."

Connor blinked, remembering the first night Mikey had spent with them. They were only fostering him, then, but they had every intention to adopt him. Already, he was 'their son'. They had put Mikey to bed in his crib and then they had curled up on the couch together. They'd been bantering different ways to say 'father' and what moniker they wanted to be known by. They'd just been spiralling into weirder ones, like _Darth Vader_ , when Jude had kissed him before saying ' _Dad, you have to be 'Dad'.'_ When Connor had asked why, Jude had laughed and informed him that, at thirty years old, he was already a walking dad joke, so he had to be 'Dad'. And then Jude kissed him again.

Mikey dutifully rushed back inside and Jude closed the front door so that he and Connor were left alone on the front porch. Connor looked at Jude's tense shoulder lines; _this_ Jude wouldn't kiss him. This Jude wouldn't even laugh with him. After eleven years of marriage, this Jude just wanted a divorce. Connor wished he could blame him. Connor didn't _want_ a divorce – he still loved his husband – but love wasn't enough to save them, and Connor knew the only thing to do now was to put all the hurt and anger between them to rest.

Jude crossed his arms over his chest, and Connor found he couldn't look at Jude's face. Instead, Connor stared down at Jude's bare feet. He would swear that the imprint of those often frozen toes would exist on his thighs forever. The amount of times Jude had pressed his cold toes to Connor's warm skin was infinite.

"I've been thinking about what you said. About selling the house."

"I said to _not_ sell the house," Connor corrected. "I'm not fighting you for the house, Jude. I want Mikey to be able to grow up in this house. He's always known it. And …" This was one of the more painful things for Connor to admit, "And it's better if you're the one here with him."

His new little apartment wasn't far. Mikey could come over whenever he wanted, particularly once he got older. For now, Connor could be a weekend parent. As Jude had pointed out in one of their numerous arguments, Connor had gotten good at not being around.

"I'll keep helping you with the mortgage," Connor said. He looked at Jude's face to say, "And whatever you need."

Connor saw a flicker of fight in Jude's face, and he could imagine all of the things Jude wanted to say to him. _"I_ needed _you to be around."_ _"I_ needed _you to listen." "I_ needed _you to at least be a friend when you were far more interested in sitting in your office, pretending it was about a promotion and not about avoiding me!"_ Jude had said similar, and far worse things, quite a bit. More than he should have had to.

Connor looked back down to Jude's toes. They were curled against the sun-warmed boards of the porch.

"Connor?"

"Jude?" It felt wrong to hold his breath and wait on the edge for what Jude was about to say. But Connor couldn't remember the last time his estranged husband had said his name with even a little bit of affection.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Jude whispered, "for the way we ended up."

"I'm sorry too. And, Jude, it's not all your fault –" Jude held up his hand and Connor stopped cold.

"I think we can agree that we share the blame on a lot of things."

Connor nodded.

"I just needed to say that I know this isn't all your fault. I know I act like it sometimes. I did … _do_ love you, Connor."

"We were happy," Connor agreed. "We were happy together for a long time."

Jude nodded, and Connor thought he saw tears glistening in the depths of Jude's eyes. He knew how Jude was feeling. It was hard to look back at where they had started and then face the reality of where they were.

"I'm glad for all the times we were happy," Jude continued. "I'd never regret knowing you. And not just because of Mikey. You were my best friend for a lot of years and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't be who I am without you."

Connor stared at the thirty-six year old man in front of him. The world had been so different when they were thirteen.

"Maybe someday we can be friends again," Connor said. They would always have Mikey and, therefore, they would always be in each other's lives. He didn't want there to be a wall between them for all of those decades.

Jude rocked back on his heels and then forward onto his tiptoes, before falling back onto his flat feet. He let out a loud breath before saying, "Maybe."

 _Maybe_. Connor would take it. As sad as it was, this was the best place he and Jude had been in for months, maybe even years. It had only taken seven months of living apart for them to be slightly civil.

Before anything else could happen, Mikey threw the door open with a bang. "Ready, Dad!"

"Watch the wall," Jude and Connor chastised him together, but it was pointless. Mikey had never minded the wall. The day he had learnt to open doors was the day a dent had appeared in the wall of the front entrance.

"Sorry!" Mikey turned to Jude, who knelt down to be face to face with him. "Bye, Father."

The formal address always sounded so strange in Mikey's peppy tone. For the thousandth time, Connor wondered where his son had picked it up. It certainly wasn't what they had intended for Jude to be called, as in the end, Jude and Connor decided that it would be easiest if they were both called 'Dad'. Somehow, it had gotten stuck to Jude, though. And hearing a two-year-old say 'Father' was one of the most consistently heartwarming things Connor had witnessed.

"Be good for Dad, okay?"

"Always!" Mikey chirped.

Jude kissed the top of Mikey's head and then hugged him tightly. "I love you. I love you more than anything. Don't forget."

"I love you too! See you Sunday!"

"Bye," Jude said to Connor, who repeated the sentiment.

Mikey skipped to Connor's side and then tucked his hand in Connor's large one. He tugged his dad toward the car, waiting for them in the driveway. On the short walk, Mikey asked, "What are we gonna do this weekend?"

"Whatever you want!"

"We do that every weekend," Mikey pointed out.

Connor held his car door open, watching carefully as Mikey buckled himself in. He liked to do it himself now, but Connor didn't always trust his abilities with the seatbelt. "I like doing what you like to do."

"Can we get pizza please?"

'Sure. What kind?" Connor asked, climbing behind the wheel. He'd call for delivery when they got to his apartment.

"The one Father always gets," Mikey requested.

"Meat lovers," Connor said, backing carefully out of the driveway and beginning the fifteen minute drive. "So, how was school this week?"

"Chris threw up in the frog tank and JP cried about it even though the frogs aren't dead," Mikey informed him.

"I'm glad the frogs aren't dead."

"I don't like frogs."

"But it's sad when things die."

Mikey kicked his feet against his seat. "Not just when things die."

Connor glanced in the rear view mirror, concerned. "Are you sad, Mikey?"

The little boy shook his head. "Father's sad. We want you to come home."

"Do you remember what we said the day I moved into the apartment?"

"Just because you don't live in the same house anymore doesn't mean you don't love me."

"Right. If you're sad, you can talk to me. And it's okay to still be sad about it."

"Are you sad about it?"

"Sometimes," Connor admitted. "Everyone gets sad sometimes. It's all part of being alive."

"Father is sad _all_ the time."

Connor made a mental note to bring that up to Jude when he dropped Mikey off on Sunday. "What do you mean? No one is sad all of the time."

Mikey went red and he looked down at his feet.

"Mikey?" Connor prompted.

"I can't tell!" Mikey shrieked, but then he looked even more upset. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know secrets are bad!"

"Hey, it's okay. Why can't you tell me about it?"

"Father said not to," Mikey whispered.

"Why would he say that?" Connor asked, a feeling of dread building in his throat. It _wasn't_ right to ask Mikey to keep secrets.

"Because he's a grown-up. And sometimes grown-ups do things and kids don't understand them and that doesn't mean that things are … how I see them." The explanation was shaky, as if he were trying to remember Jude's exact words, but the words didn't sound like Jude's either.

Connor pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned it off. He undid his seatbelt and faced Mikey. "You can tell me how you see things, Mikey. It's okay. Father's not going to be mad."

Mikey still looked uncertain.

"It's to help him. Adults are like kids in some ways. When we're sad, sometimes we need someone to help us."

" _You're_ going to help him?" Mikey said, a sneering tone in his voice. "You left him!"

Connor closed his eyes for a moment. How could he possibly explain to Mikey that, though Connor was the one who had moved out, it was Jude who had made the decision for him to? How could he explain to Mikey the words that he and Jude had screamed at each other in the basement, far from where Mikey was asleep on the second floor? How could he explain that he had hidden himself under his job, bitterly thinking about Jude at his own job, surrounded by people who weren't Connor and though he knew now that Jude _never_ would have broken their vows, he had been convinced of it then?

"Adults are complicated –"

"But you're like kids," Mikey interrupted.

"In some ways. And in some ways not. Just because Father and I are apart doesn't mean that we don't still want one another to be happy. And I might not be the one to help him, but I can find someone who will help him. Does that make sense?"

Mikey hesitantly nodded.

"So how do you see things? How is Father?"

"He cries a lot. But then, sometimes, he doesn't do anything. He just sits there."

"Does he still take care of you?"

Mikey nodded quickly. "Yes! He just likes to watch TV a lot."

"And he cries a lot."

"When he thinks I'm not paying attention. Mostly at night. I go and check on him. And he tells me I'm fine. But then I sleep in bed with him," Mikey admitted in a whisper. With the exception of a rare nightmare, Mikey had always been kept in his own bed.

Connor didn't know what to say to any of this information. Part of him wanted to call up Jude and ask for answers. Even though Jude was still taking care of Mikey, something had to be up. Another part of him reasoned that he could understand where Jude was coming from. Sometimes Connor found himself caught up in a loop of loneliness and hurt that he felt he couldn't escape; when he laid in his cold bed and tried to reach for Jude, even though he hadn't been there for months.

"Am I going to be in trouble?"

"No, Mikey, no. I'm glad you told me. I want you to tell me more of these things, if they keep happening."

"Okay," Mikey agreed, although he sounded a little reluctant.

Connor turned forward again and turned the car back on. They had only driven to the end of the current street they were on, when Connor felt the need to continue the conversation, although he wasn't completely sure where to go with it. Mikey had seemed to take the separation in stride, more than Connor had thought that he would have and he wanted to keep the strain off of Mikey's shoulders. Finally, Connor asked, "How do _you_ feel?"

"I like having you and Father in the same house. Everyone's happier."

"Father and I have different lives, so we need our own space. We still love you more than anything else. You're the most important for us."

Mikey waited until they had pulled into Connor's parking spot before blurting, "I know you still love each other!"

Connor turned off the car and then faced Mikey. "We love _you_."

Mikey crossed his thin arms over his chest. He met Connor's eyes and, even though Mikey wasn't biologically related to either he or Jude, Connor found himself thinking Mikey's eyes looked a lot like Jude's. Mikey wrinkled his sunburnt nose and said, "I love you too, Dad."

Connor helped Mikey out of the car and they headed into the elevator and then into his two-bedroom apartment – one for him, one for Mikey. Mikey took off for his room in order to dump his weekend bag while Connor went into the kitchen to call for pizza.

As he spoke on the phone, Connor stared at his blank walls. He'd lived here for seven months and, yet, there was no life. There were no posters or paintings, potted plants or pictures in frames. The thought of decorating the place thoroughly exhausted Connor. But, ten years ago, when he and Jude had bought their house, they had been so excited to decorate that they had lived in thrift stores for longer reasonable. They'd had so much fun with decorating and finding odd knick-knacks that would never match one another, but created a strange sort of harmony within the house. This harmony happened despite the fact that Jude had discovered a large wooden giraffe statue at about the same time that Connor had found a dramatic oil painting of a walrus and they had decided that the only logical thing to do was to place the giraffe under the walrus.

Mikey appeared in the kitchen, climbing onto one of the tall seats Connor had around the island.

"I ordered the pizza."

"You should get a pet."

Connor smirked. "What kind of pet should I get?"

"A puppy."

"Puppies are a lot of work."

"So are kids," Mikey quipped, and then added, "That's what Aunt Callie says when I ask why she doesn't have any."

"Kids are a big decision," Connor said.

"You sound like Grandma Lena. That's what she says when I ask Aunt Callie about kids." Mikey slumped against the counter top.

"Grandma Lena's very smart."

Mikey rolled his eyes. "Now you sound like Grandma Stef."

"She's very smart too," Connor said.

There was an ache in his chest as he realized that, after the divorce became finalized, he wouldn't be an Adams-Foster anymore; he would just be a Stevens again. The Adams-Fosters would never shun him – they had been family for too long – but the fact remained that now there was Jude and then there was Connor; they were no longer Jude and Connor.

"You should get a red puppy."

Connor raised his eyebrows and then leant on the island too, so that he wasn't towering above Mikey. "Why red?"

"So I'm not the only one with red hair. Everyone looks like somebody but nobody looks like _me._ "

"That's because you're too cute for anyone to compare."

"Boys aren't cute."

"Boys can be whatever they want to be."

"Izzy said only girls can be cute."

"Boys can be whatever they want to be," Connor repeated.

Mikey kicked at the island. "Why would she say it if it's not true?"

Mikey always managed to stumble onto the big topics. Connor was always glad, though, that Mikey was able to ask about them. Connor was also glad that he had the opportunity to tell Mikey everything that Connor had needed to hear from Adam growing up, but had never been able to hear. The world had changed a lot since Connor had been a kid trying to discover who he was, but just because the world had changed for the better didn't mean that Connor could put on rose-coloured glasses. The world wasn't perfect, but if Mikey grew up comfortable, secure, and with the ability to pass that acceptance on to others, then Connor would feel he'd gotten at least something right.

"Sometimes people think that girls can only be one way and that boys can only be one way. But there's a lot of different kinds of boys and different kinds of girls. Just because they're different from how people think boys and girls should be, doesn't mean they're not boys and girls."

Mikey squinted at Connor. "What if you're a boy _and_ a girl?"

"Then what if you're a boy _and_ a girl."

Mikey kicked at the island even harder, trying to think of ways to stump his dad. "What if you're neither?"

"Then you're neither." Connor tried to think of a good analogy. "You know how there's the colours of the rainbow?"

Mikey nodded and recited them, "Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet!"

"But then there are shades of colours that aren't on the rainbow?"

"Like black?"

"Yes."

"And dark green?"

"Yes."

"And pumpkin orange?"

"Yes. That's how gender … being a boy or a girl or however you identify –"

"This is complicated," Mikey interrupted in a sing-song voice.

"It can appear that way," Connor agreed. "Do you remember when Father and I explained what gay and straight meant but how there were more than just those two?"

Mikey nodded, although he didn't really remember the exact conversation. He'd always been aware of having two dads and of having two grandmothers. And he vaguely remembered that time Aunt Mariana had a girlfriend even though now she was married to his uncle. The varying degrees of sexuality had always been a part of his reality when it came to his family members, so he hadn't really given his parents much attention when they'd tried to explain the differences. Mikey already knew love was love.

"There's boys and girls, but there's more than just that," Connor said. "What you really need to remember from this, is always be respectful of people."

"R-E-S-P-C-T," Mikey attempted to sing.

"Where'd you hear that?" Connor asked.

"Marley and Uncle Brandon were listening to it," Mikey shrugged, and Connor nodded knowingly.

Marley and Mikey were the closest in age when it came to the Adams-Foster cousins – she was only nine months older than he was. Therefore, they were the closest of friends and they found it funny to playfully mock the youngest of the Adams-Fosters cousins – Mariana's new baby, Carla – for only being a year old and doing all of the things that one year olds did.

There was a knock on the front door.

"Pizza!" Connor announced, straightening up.

"Piggy back ride!" Mikey requested.

Connor allowed his son to cling to his back as he went to the front door to pay for the pizza. On the way to the living room where they would eat, Mikey commented, "I like Father's piggy back rides better."

"Why's that?" Connor said, immediately visualizing the smooth slopes of Jude's skinny shoulders.

"He's taller."

"Lucky Father," Connor said, remembering when Jude had surpassed him. Jude had found it funny to constantly lean on Connor's shoulders, since Connor had teased him the same way for the first few months of their friendship, when Connor had been the tall one.

"Dad?" Mikey asked as Connor opened the pizza box.

"Yes?"

"Can it be a _boy_ puppy?"

And Connor laughed.

 **Updates will continue on every Wednesday.**

 **I don't own anything recognizable.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Never Say Goodbye, add backslash tagged backslash never dash say dash goodbye**

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	2. I'm Sane But I'm Overwhelmed

It was Connor's least favourite part of the week. Mikey had to be dropped back off to Jude in roughly an hour. He would see Mikey again on Wednesday – Connor always left work early on the day so he could pick Mikey up from school and they could spend the evening together – but Connor didn't like the brief goodbyes that always occurred on Sundays. Mikey was currently sitting in the living room, colouring in one of his many colouring books, while Connor dished up Jell-O for a late afternoon snack.

In Connor's pocket, his phone began to sing. Connor pulled it out, only to see Jude calling him. Connor frowned. Jude never called him anymore.

"Hello?"

"Hi," Jude replied.

"Is everything okay?" Connor asked. Jude sounded off.

"Fine," Jude said. "Could you just … Can you drop Mikey of at Moms instead of at home today?"

"Sure. Any particular reason?"

"Family dinner."

"Oh, okay. Well, he'll be there at four-thirty. Usual time."

"Thanks."

"Do you need to talk to him or anything?" Connor offered. "We're just about to have Jell-O."

"No. That's fine. Just take him straight to Moms."

"Okay. See you later!"

"Bye."

In no time at all, it felt to Connor, he and Mikey were repacking Mikey's weekend bag with all of the things that Mikey would need to take home. Mikey chattered a bit more about a red puppy, and Connor wondered if it was worth it to talk to Jude about it. It was only the end of September, but it couldn't hurt to start talking about Christmas ideas, especially since a dog was a big decision.

As they left the parking lot of Connor's apartment complex, Mikey pressed his hand to the window. "Dad, can we go to the park when I see you on Wednesday?"

"Sure," Connor agreed. It had rained all weekend, keeping them mostly on the couch and watching movies. They had only had one excursion to get groceries, so that they could make spaghetti sauce together.

"Hey!" Mikey cried. "You missed the road home!"

"Whoops, forgot to tell you. You're going to your Grandmas' house instead."

Mikey frowned at him.

"You don't want to go to Grandmas' house?" Connor asked.

"I thought we were going on Tuesday. I was supposed to bring puzzles for Marley on Tuesday! What if she's mad?"

Connor had to laugh. Marley _did_ have a ridiculous temper. "She'll forgive you. If you go on Tuesday too then just remember your puzzle then!"

"Dad, it's been too long since you've seen Marley," Mikey informed him solemnly. "Marley gets mad and then she gets _madder_."

"Try distracting her," Connor recommended.

Connor pulled into the familiar Adams-Foster driveway, and a lump appeared in his throat. He hadn't been here in months. Lena was standing out on the porch, apparently waiting for Mikey and Connor. She held her arms open as Mikey leapt from the car and rushed for a hug. Connor grabbed his son's weekend bag and followed him up to the stairs.

"Where's Father?" Mikey asked.

"He's not here yet. You beat him!"

"Jude's not here?" Connor repeated, surprised.

Lena met his eyes. "No, sorry, Connor."

She was insightful. Connor would always give her that. But this time, Lena was looking at him for the wrong reasons. Connor would never _not_ want to see Jude, but his tone had been weird in the phone call, and Connor had a couple of things that he wanted to talk to Jude about.

"When he comes over, could you tell him to give me a call when he's not busy?" Connor requested.

"Sure, Connor," Lena agreed. "It was great to see you."

She wrapped him in a hug, and Connor hugged her back. It was an embrace that was as familiar to him as his own mother's. "It's always great to see you, Lena."

"Are you going, Dad?" Mikey asked anxiously. "You can have supper here!"

Connor would have loved to, but he knew that he couldn't. "Nah, I've got some leftover spaghetti to eat, and you know how much I love leftover spaghetti."

"Okay," Mikey agreed dejectedly.

"Hey, don't look so sad. I'll see you on Wednesday, okay?"

"Okay."

"And we'll go to the park, just like you want."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

They crossed pinkies, and then Connor gave him a tight hug. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Mikey echoed.

They said their goodbyes and Connor got back in his car. After he left the driveway, Connor found himself not driving toward his apartment. Instead, he found himself driving toward Jude's house. He didn't know what made him do it, but, even if it made Jude annoyed, Connor had to make sure Jude was okay. Connor knew Jude and he knew when Jude wasn't feeling one hundred percent, and he was definitely having an off-day. Mikey's words on Friday afternoon also tugged at Connor's mind. All Connor had to do was see Jude; just remind himself that Jude was fine. Jude would be bothered by it, but that didn't bother Connor. It wasn't as if Jude was ever happy with him anymore.

When he approached his old home, the first thing Connor noticed was Jude's car in the driveway. As he parked, Connor hesitated. What if Jude was with another man? What if Jude was finishing up a date? Connor told himself that, if that were the case, he would hide behind the guise of needing to talk about Mikey, and then he walked up to the front door. He knocked and waited. There was no flicker of life within the house. He knocked again, but there was also nothing.

Connor pulled his keys out of his pocket, and toyed with them. Jude would hate him if he walked in. Jude could just be avoiding him. Connor found himself trying the doorknob, only to find it locked. And then he found himself lifting the key to the lock and letting himself inside. Not much had changed in the front entrance, except all of the pictures containing Connor had disappeared, only to be replaced by Mikey's most recent school photos. Connor took off his shoes and placed them in the grey tray, just like Jude had eventually trained him to do. Connor had always been the type to wear his shoes throughout the house.

"Jude?" he called.

He was probably in the kitchen with headphones in. Maybe he was in the bathroom and couldn't come to the door. Connor tried to listen for a shower running, but then he heard something else. There was a bang from upstairs.

"Jude?"

Another bang.

Connor took off up the stairs. It sounded like it was coming from their old bedroom.

"Jude!?"

Connor didn't knock on the bedroom door. He threw it open, only to see something out of his worst nightmares. There was Jude, limp and pale, hanging from one of the rafters that stretched across their ceiling. His foot kicked against the wall again and Connor found himself desperately racing across the room, feeling as if he were moving through sludge. His fingers slid across the rope around Jude's neck, finding the knot. He propped Jude up against his body, trying to give him room to breathe while Connor clawed at the rope. He didn't know what to do. He was thinking anything but _Jude, Jude, Jude._

The rope came free and Jude slumped into Connor's arms. Connor could hear Jude's breathing, shaky and soft, but present. Connor wanted to cry; the sound was so beautiful. He laid Jude down against the floor, leaning over him, not knowing how to take care of him. Doing what he thought he should, Connor found himself undoing the buttons on Jude's shirt to clear his neck. With his other hand, Connor called 911.

"My husband just tried to kill himself!" Connor screeched. The female on the other end was almost infuriatingly calm as she asked about his address, about Jude's height and weight, his current condition and pre-existing medical conditions. "I don't fucking know how long he's been hanging!"

Jude's eyes were opening. Connor blinked quickly and then stared at Jude's face. He hadn't imagined that, had he? Had Jude's eyes just opened? There, they flickered again.

"Jude? Jude, please. Can you hear me? Please, open your eyes. The ambulance is going to be here soon, okay? You're going to be fine." And then the words that Connor couldn't say. _Why, Jude? Why?_

Jude was staring at him. Connor met Jude's brilliant eyes, watching as they filled with tears.

" _Jude_." Connor gathered one of Jude's hands in his own, unable to stop himself. Jude didn't fight him.

Jude cried. He didn't sob or shake. Thick tears just leaked from his eyes and down his face, onto the hardwood floor of their bedroom.

"The ambulance is coming, okay?"

Jude looked away from Connor, toward the beam where he had been hanging from.

"Don't leave us, Jude."

He could hear a knocking downstairs. Connor shouted for them to come in. He wasn't leaving Jude. He was scared that Jude might do something if Connor were to leave him alone, and that feeling was so strange. Jude had always been independent. That had always made Connor feel more loved, strangely, because Jude didn't _need_ anyone, necessarily, but rather, he _wanted_ them to be around him.

There were footsteps on the stairs.

Jude had closed his eyes again. Connor tightened his grip on Jude's hand.

"Don't leave me," Jude whispered, his voice so faint that Connor almost thought that he had imagined it.

"I won't go," Connor promised anyway. He wasn't going to leave Jude; not now, no matter what.

The paramedics stepped into the room, and Connor sat back to explain the situation. He didn't let go of Jude, not that Jude would have let him. Carefully, the paramedics gave Jude a physical examination.

"You need to come to the hospital for a psych evaluation and for a more complete medical evaluation," said the woman who had introduced herself as Caterina.

"I don't want to," Jude protested. "You said I was fine."

"We can't be sure that there is no lasting damage until we run more tests," the man, James, explained. "We don't want to miss anything."

Connor lifted Jude's hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles like he used to when they were in love with each other. "Do it for Mikey."

He had to wonder if that was even a convincing argument. Jude had been trying to _die._ If Connor hadn't come over, Jude would now be _dead_. Somehow, Jude had made the decision to never see Mikey again. He would have never known what Mikey would look like when he was thirty; he would have never known the details of Mikey's first kiss; he would have never seen their son grow into a capable adult. Jude had somehow managed to be okay with that, and put a noose around his neck.

There was no emotion in Jude's eyes when he looked at Connor. Even the tears had stopped falling. Connor thought that Jude was going to say no, throw them all out, and then do something even more desperate.

"Don't leave me," Jude whispered to him.

"I'm right here," Connor assured him.

After that, Jude was willing to be lead down the stairs and into the ambulance. They sat in the back with James watching over them while Caterina drove them to the hospital. Halfway there, Jude's cell phone rang.

"Hi, Mom. No, I know. Um, could you keep Mikey for the night? No. Connor ended up coming over and we're … We're in a mess right now and I don't want Mikey to be in the middle of it. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mom. I'll talk to you later." He put his cell phone back in his pocket.

Connor tried to catch Jude's eye, but Jude wouldn't look at him. Jude hadn't let go of Connor's hand either, though, and Connor didn't quite know what to make of that. When they arrived at the hospital, Connor was a silent voyeur. He couldn't offer the doctors anything helpful – he hadn't been around Jude enough to detail changes in behaviour, and Jude certainly hadn't tried to talk to him about anything. The only thing he offer was that Jude had never done anything like that before, and that Mikey had commented that Jude was 'always sad'.

He sat in the waiting room while they ran a few tests on Jude, making sure that there hadn't been enough oxygen deprivation to damage his brain. Connor took the few minutes alone to hang his head between his knees and burst into tears. The thought of Jude being dead and gone was, undoubtedly, one of the worst thoughts he'd ever had. Throughout the separation, Connor had thought that Jude was happy. He'd wanted to believe that Jude's eyes had regained some of the light their crumbled marriage had taken away. But Jude had tried to take his life and Connor was at a loss as to what to do. He knew he was supposed to stay out of Jude's life, but that relied on Jude _having_ a life. And what if it hadn't been Connor to find him? What if it had been Mikey? That was one thing couldn't allow to happen, right after actually allowing Jude to die.

He cleared his tears as a nurse came to collect him. She dropped him off in an office. Jude was already there. He was seated in an armchair and he looked very small.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Scott," said the doctor behind the large desk. "You're Mr. Adams-Foster-Steven's husband?"

"Yes, sir." For now. For all intents and purposes. "Is he going to be all right?"

"Physically, there's no lasting damage," Dr. Scott reassured them both. "Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens, I understand you don't wish to receive any in-patient psych treatments?"

Connor's eyes snapped to Jude. But he _needed_ it. Wasn't in-patient psych treatment mandatory after a suicide attempt? Jude just couldn't say no!

"I want to go home."

He sounded so scared. Connor didn't think he'd ever heard Jude sound quite like that. He inched his way to Jude's side and Jude leant his head against Connor's ribs. Connor touched the top of Jude's head.

"Our psych evaluation shows that you're not believed to be an immediate danger to yourself or others. This means that we cannot hold you for a mandatory stay. We still highly recommend an overnight stay, at the very least." Dr. Scott paused, but Jude didn't respond. "We would like to recommend a number of follow-up appointments with Dr. Nadine."

"I would like that."

Connor breathed a small sigh of relief. That was a good sign, right? Jude was making future plans; Jude wanted help. Connor wished he'd take overnight help.

"Do you live alone?" Dr. Scott asked.

"No," Jude answered before Connor could point out that Jude lived with a six-year-old.

"Good. Surround yourself with friends and family," Dr. Scott advised. "I wish you well, Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens."

"Thank you."

Jude shook Dr. Scott's hand, collected a few prescriptions from him along with an appointment card for Dr. Nadine, and then he and Connor left the office. There was a pharmacy on the bottom level of the building, so by an unspoken agreement, they went there first. Connor didn't say anything until after they had handed the prescriptions over and were told that it would be a twenty-five minute wait.

They sat side by side in two hospital chairs and Connor thought of everything he wanted to say. He wanted to yell about Mikey; he wanted to shake Jude and say that he was loved so damn much; but, most of all, Connor wanted to cry and find out _why_. None of that came out of Connor's mouth.

"I'm going to call a cab. Do you want to go to your Moms' house first or home and then to Stef's and Lena's?" Connor knew that Jude would want his mothers and Connor wasn't going leave him by himself. He didn't trust Jude to stay alive.

Jude looked horrified. "You're _not_ telling Moms."

"You can. But they'll need to know about why you're staying with them. Unless you're planning on having them stay with you …"

"I'll be fine," Jude snapped.

"You can't be alone. And you can't be alone with Mikey. He can't lose you. Or find you. And _we_ can't lose you." _Or handle finding you again._

Jude began to cry at the sound of Mikey's name and he hid his face away in his hands. "I just got overwhelmed and I didn't know what I was doing. I don't think I want to die. I just want to stop _feeling_."

Without overthinking it, Connor slid his arm around Jude's shoulders. "You can't be alone. And your moms need to know. You're loved, Jude. Stef and Lena will help you."

"I don't want them to know," Jude protested. "I won't do anything else. I promise. I won't."

Three hours ago, Connor never would have believed that Jude would try to kill himself. Now, Connor didn't believe Jude wouldn't.

"You can't –" Connor started again.

"Then you stay with me if you're so worried!"

Connor sat back. "You need to tell me why you did this."

"I'm a failure." Jude closed his eyes. "I'm not smart or good or necessary or … anything. You're the better parent. Mikey's stuck with me. Our marriage failed. And … I got laid off on Thursday. They're moving everything overseas and they just let me go." Jude pressed his hands to his chest over his heart. "Everything just feels like it's hurting all the time and I just want it to stop."

"I'm sorry."

Jude shook his head. "I just don't want anyone else to know. And Mikey … Mikey can't ever know anything."

Connor wanted to ask what Jude thought would happen once Mikey found out he was dead, but he stopped himself. It wouldn't be fair.

"It's not something I should ask," Jude said quickly. "We're not together anymore, and you don't owe me anything but it would mean a lot to me if you could stay for a while. I know you don't want Mikey to stay alone with me, but I want him with me even though that's selfish and I'm _sorry._ "

He was rambling and desperate and he didn't sound like Jude.

Connor took Jude's hand again, knowing that Jude could offer excuses for a long time yet. "I'm here for you. We'll tell Mikey you're sick, okay? To explain why I'm around for a little while and why you're not going to work. You'll feel like you again."

Jude rubbed at his neck, where Connor could see the faintest red line.

Jude's prescriptions were ready and, only a few minutes later, a cab had arrived for them. After Connor gave the driver his address, Jude looked surprised.

"Your apartment?"

"I need clothes, a toothbrush, that sort of thing," Connor explained.

Jude didn't reply, but he seemed to sink further into the cab seats. At Connor's building, Connor instructed the driver to wait, which she was more than happy to do. Connor was surprised when Jude decided to follow him inside. Jude had only been in the apartment once – when Connor had first moved in and it was Mikey's first time over. Jude and Connor thought it would be better if they were both present for it. As Connor headed toward his bedroom, he realized how sad the place must look; the only real personal touches were of, and from, Mikey.

Jude followed him, making no noise save for the pad of his footsteps. Connor tried not to think about his plain white walls compared to the homey panelled wood on their bedroom walls.

As if reading Connor's mind, Jude said dryly, "I like how you've decorated."

Connor opened his cluttered closet, pulling out a suitcase. "I'm a minimalist now."

"The exception being the closet?"

Connor thought about the area under the kitchen sink and the corner of the living room that had his desk in it. "Well, maybe not the only one."

He packed quickly but carefully, taking mostly casual clothes. He made sure to grab his briefcase, thinking that he'd call into work tomorrow and explain about a family emergency. Not only did he have vacation days piling up, but he could do a lot of work from home – working from home had been something offered to him before. His boss wouldn't fight him on this.

"Ready?" he asked Jude.

Jude nodded and led Connor back to the cab. The diver managed to make the fifteen minute drive in twenty-five minutes, which Connor didn't question too much. He'd started worrying about how Jude would feel about being at home and seeing the room where he'd attempt to kill himself. He glanced at his husband, but Jude was still locked in his withdrawn mask.

When they stopped in the driveway, Jude got out and went inside while Connor was still paying. Connor felt his heart leap into his throat and his fingers trembled as he tipped the driver and dragged his suitcase out. He rushed inside after Jude, abandoning his suitcase on top of Jude's sneakers.

"Jude?" The house was silent. This was too familiar. " _Jude_?"

Jude walked down the stairs. He had bits of rope in his hand. "Are you going to act like a babysitter?"

He continued onto the kitchen and Connor followed him. "I'm not your babysitter."

"Aren't you?"

"I'm your –" _husband_ "– friend."

Jude dropped the rope dramatically into the garbage can. "We haven't been friends in a long time."

"Think of me like your butler. Not here to control you. Just here to keep you on the right track."

"I want chicken nuggets," Jude announced, preheating the oven.

"Fries too," Connor said.

Jude nodded. "Someone's coming to get Mikey's things soon."

"We should get that ready," Connor replied. Was Jude trying to be left alone so he could do something? Or was he just relating facts? Connor didn't know how much he was supposed to be reading into Jude's words anymore.

"He left his school things in his room on Friday," Jude informed Connor.

Then, tiredly, Jude walked back up the steps. Connor didn't comment on the fact that Jude curled himself into Mikey's single bed the moment they walked into his room. Connor packed Mikey's bag with school supplies and a few extra clothes. He knew Jude wanted Mikey home tomorrow but Connor would need to see what tomorrow looked like. If there was even the slightest chance of Jude needing to be taken to the hospital again, Connor wanted their son far away from that kind of emotional calamity.

"Come on," Connor prompted Jude to sit up. "Back downstairs."

"I'm comfortable," Jude said.

"We have chicken nuggets and fries to make."

"Cooking is a butler's job."

"I'd like your company."

Jude's chin lifted, but he didn't reply. He left the bed, though, and they went to the kitchen. Jude stubbornly sat on the counter as far away from the oven as he could get. Connor began to lay their food out on a pan. It was a little surreal that he still knew where everything was.

Not _everything_ could change; not everything had to.

 **I don't own anything recognizable.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Never Say Goodbye, add backslash tagged backslash never dash say dash goodbye**

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	3. What It All Boils Down To

"Tell me about you," Jude requested.

"You know me."

"Pretend I don't."

"All right. My name's Connor. I like the colour blue. I'm married to my job. And I've been told the only thing I'm not heartless toward is my six-year-old son, and, even then, I barely pull it off," Connor said all of this with a smile. He didn't want Jude to think he was saying it out of bitterness.

"I never really thought you were heartless," Jude murmured, remembering the argument. "I was just upset I no longer had a piece of your heart."

 _You do. You always have._ "To be fair to you, I think that came after me saying you wanted me gone because you'd already found someone else."

"I didn't," Jude said. And then, "I thought we didn't know each other."

They could play that game, if it was what Jude needed. There was no point in picking at old wounds. This was only a brief interlude. It didn't change the hurt and it didn't change their separation. If Jude wanted to pretend for a moment their past wasn't their past, Connor could pretend right along with him.

"Then tell me about you."

"I'm a rodeo clown," Jude lied, but Connor didn't laugh.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"No." Jude leant his head back against the cupboard, heaving a sigh. "No."

"Anything you need?"

Jude's hands started shaking and he clasped them together. "No, I'm just glad you're here."

"I'm glad _you're_ here," Connor said significantly. "We don't want to lose you, Jude."

He looked up. "What if I'm already lost?"

"Give us, all of us, a chance to find you."

Jude ran his nail along the counter. He opened his mouth to say something else, but the doorbell rang.

"Mom," Jude guessed. "Will you …"

"Sit in the living room while I talk to her?" Connor requested in return.

"I'm completely capable of sitting on my kitchen counter and still being alive when you come back."

"I don't know what I'm doing! I just want to make sure you're safe." Connor softened. "Please, Jude, humour me?"

"I spent a lot of years humouring you," Jude said, but he hopped off the counter anyway.

Connor made sure Jude was settled comfortably in his armchair and then he went to answer the door. He felt bad for making Stef stand outside for as long as she had been.

"Hey," he greeted her.

"Hi." Stef's eyebrows rose. "Where's Jude?"

"He's just in the living room."

Connor wished he could tell Stef about the day. Jude should have his family be able to support him. Connor understood why Jude wouldn't want people to know, and he wouldn't betray Jude's trust, but he wished that Jude had more than just Connor. Not because Connor didn't want to be there for Jude, but because he and Jude had had a canyon between them for so long that Connor was terrified of getting it wrong. He knew their failed marriage had factored into this. What if Connor's presence just took Jude back to the edge?

"Is he all right?"

"He's fine. We're …" Connor hated to lie to her. "Some new stuff came up and we're just trying to work through it. We didn't want Mikey to be caught in the middle of it."

Stef nodded in understanding. "We'll take Mikey for as long as you need us to."

"Thanks for that."

"Tell Jude we'll call sometime tomorrow," Stef said. She was peering past Connor, into the house, as if she could catch a glimpse of her son.

"I will."

"Bye, Connor."

"Bye, Stef."

There was a time that she would have hugged him farewell. Now, she just left, Mikey's bag clutched in her hand. Connor waited until she was safely in her car before returning to the living room. Jude hadn't moved, except to slump further in his chair.

"Comfy?"

"Not particularly." Jude straightened up. "What did you tell Mom?"

Connor explained the conversation he and Stef had, and added, "I know you don't want your Moms to know, but I think they should –"

"Connor –"

"I'm happy to stay here as long as you need me to. But we both know that we're not a couple. And you need to be safe after I move back to my apartment."

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"I know. I don't want to push you but it's something that needs to be thought about –"

"Not now!"

"Okay, okay," Connor acquiesced. "Not now."

They just stared at each other for a moment. They were both caught up in what the other was thinking. The oven beeped, shattering the moment just when Connor thought he might have a chance at guessing what was going on in Jude's head. There was a time when Connor would have known right away. At some point he'd become comfortable in knowing Jude, and he'd forgotten about the fact that, even in his thirties, Jude was an evolving person, and Connor still had to continue getting to know him.

"Let's eat in here," Jude decided.

"Okay," Connor agreed, although they never ate in here. Or at least, they didn't when he lived here. If they weren't eating at the table, they ate in the basement, which was more of a family place. The living room was more of a presentation place or somewhere to gather when there were guests over.

Dinner was quiet. Connor sat on the couch across from Jude and they picked at their food. Connor thought of Mikey, whose bedtime was half an hour ago. Connor should have called him. He was probably confused. At this, Connor's gaze drifted to the light bruising on Jude's neck. Connor was confused too.

"Are you tired?" Connor asked when Jude was done.

"Always," Jude replied.

"Me too." Connor had to stifle a yawn. "Mikey woke up early this morning."

Jude nodded. "Bed is good."

Connor hesitated. "I don't think you should be alone throughout the night."

"Because I'm a child."

"Because I'm worried. _You_ asked _me_ to stay, and I'm just trying to do my best."

"Do what you want."

Jude heaved himself out of the armchair and Connor followed him upstairs.

"We're not sleeping in the same bed."

Connor had no delusions of that. He never would have asked. As Jude put on pyjamas, Connor went into the third bedroom of the house, though it had always been used as a home office. There was a blue futon in the corner. It was light enough that Connor could move it into Jude's bedroom by himself. He had to position the futon a little awkwardly at the end of Jude's bed, but that didn't matter.

"Are the spare blankets still in the closet by the bathroom?"

"Yeah."

Connor made his bed while Jude brushed his teeth. Finally, they were ready for bed. Connor flicked the light off and shut the door.

"Wake me up if you need anything."

"Night, Connor."

"Goodnight, Jude."

The futon was uncomfortable, but it had always been uncomfortable. Connor had spent a number of sleepless nights stretched out on it, stewing in his anger, while a room away, Jude did the same. As he tossed, Connor thought that the only plus side of the futon was the fact that his feet didn't hang over the edge. He decided that he was as comfortable as he was going to get and he drew the blankets up around his chin, just so that he could breathe in the scent of it. He and Jude bought the same laundry detergent, but his sheets at the apartment never smelled like this, and it calmed him.

Connor shifted more onto his side, staring at the wall. Sleep wasn't coming. His ears kept catching on every move that Jude made. Connor knew that Jude was asleep and that all of the movements he was hearing was just Jude sleeping restlessly. Even so, Connor worried. Jude could wake up at any time and what would he do when he woke up? Would he be safe? Would he hurt himself?

Connor worried until exhaustion forced his eyes shut.

(-.-)

Connor woke to a hand on his knee. His eyes jerked open and he sat up, confused for a moment. He blinked before focusing on Jude, who was sitting at the end of the futon. He looked very uncertain and awkward. The moment he saw that Connor was awake, he pulled his hand back, as if Connor had burnt him.

"I didn't know whether I should wake you or not," Jude said to the floor.

"That's what I'm here for," Connor assured him. "Is something wrong?"

Jude curled his arms around himself, never shifting his gaze. "I feel alone."

Connor reached out and rested his hand against Jude's bicep. "You aren't alone."

"I feel alone."

He was leaning into Connor's hand. Connor wanted to do more but he didn't know what the boundaries were anymore.

"Would you like a hug?" Connor asked.

Jude nodded and, in the next moment, Connor's arms were around Jude. Connor's heart began to ache uncontrollably as Jude pressed his face into Connor's collarbone and wrapped his arms around Connor's waist. It hurt because Jude still fit. His nose easily rested against the dip in Connor's collarbone and Connor's fingers still knew the path down Jude's spine – back rubs always calmed him. Connor's arms still remembered how to hold Jude; how warm he could be; and the rhythm of his breath. Though they had changed through the years, though there was a chasm between them now, though there was no going back, having Jude be _right there_ was the only thing that mattered to Connor for a drastic moment, because the closeness to Jude made his world feel in balance, like it hadn't been for a very long time.

Jude shook and a sob escaped him. Connor returned to himself and reality, pushing away his heartache. This wasn't about him. It wasn't even about their relationship. This was purely about Jude.

"You're not alone," Connor repeated.

Jude tightened his grip. Between the crying sounds, Connor heard him yawn.

"How long have you been up?"

"I don't know!" Jude cried, as if the very act of answering the question was going to put him over the edge.

"Shh, it's okay." Connor rocked him back and forth, his hands carefully massaging Jude's back. "You need to sleep, though. We need to take care of you."

"I don't – I don't want," Jude hiccupped.

"Lay with me, then. Just so neither of us are alone."

Jude gave a barely perceptible nod and they lay down together. Connor pulled the blankets around Jude's shoulders, knowing that he'd likely steal them all anyway. Jude tucked his legs over Connor's so that he was lying diagonally. Otherwise, his feet would hang off the edge. Connor almost suggested going over to the bed, but it seemed too intimate. They had lain together in that bed before; sometimes with far better results, sometimes with far worse results. For tonight, the futon would do just fine.

"Thank you," Jude murmured.

"Whatever you need," Connor reassured him.

Jude pulled Connor's arm around him. Connor felt Jude's eyelashes brush his bicep as Jude closed his eyes, and then the room seemed to grow quiet. Neither one of them were close to sleep. Connor was too concerned with the way Jude's hair felt against his bare skin and he was wondering what Jude was thinking.

Jude awkwardly stretched and turned so that his back was against Connor's side.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. The silence hurts."

"Then let's talk."

"About what?"

"Anything. Mikey?" Mikey would be easiest and it would remind Jude that he wasn't alone.

"I hope he's not too confused at Moms'."

"He'll be okay. He loves sleepovers."

"Did he do his homework with you?"

"Yep. I'm going to miss the poetry unit."

"He loves Shel Silverstein."

"I think I have _Early Bird_ memorized."

"Let's hear it."

" _Oh, if you're a bird, be an early bird_

" _And catch the worm for your breakfast plate._

" _If you're a bird, be an early early bird-_

" _But if you're a worm, sleep late."_

"Sleep late," Jude finished with him.

"You can sleep in tomorrow. As late as you want."

Jude shifted his head, seeming to look toward the window. There was the faintest bit of grey light sneaking in. If Connor was someone else, he would've thought that was what Jude was looking at. But Connor was not someone else, and his own gaze fell upon the wooden beam that, mere hours before, Jude had been hanging from.

"Is it the room?" Connor whispered. "We can sleep someone else."

"I'm going to have to get over it eventually. It's just a room." His voice wavered and he didn't sound as confident as he'd probably intended. "I don't really want to sell the house."

"So we won't sell the house."

Jude nodded. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any other poems memorized?"

 _"Somebody has to go polish the stars,_

" _They're looking a little bit dull._

" _Somebody has to go polish the stars,_

" _For the eagles and starlings and gulls_

" _Have all been complaining they're tarnished and worn,_

" _They say they want new ones we cannot afford._

" _So please get your rags_

" _And your polishing jars,_

" _Somebody has to go polish the stars."_

(-.-)

Despite his best intentions, Connor's body hadn't allowed him to sleep in. Jude was still fast asleep when Connor sat up, glancing at the alarm clock. He could have a quick shower and then call into work. Hopefully all before Jude woke up. Connor hoped that Jude would sleep for a long time; he needed a good rest.

When Connor got out of the shower, he called his boss from the bathroom, hoping to not disturb Jude. The conversation was a quick one. His boss was an understanding women, particularly after he explained the entire situation to her. She told him that he wasn't permitted to miss any of the scheduled meetings but, that, of course he could work from home for as long as he liked. Connor thanked her, and then went to check on Jude.

He opened the bedroom door was quietly as he could. Jude was already awake, however. He was standing underneath the beam of wood with his hand stretched above him. Even if he stood on his tiptoes, his fingers couldn't come close to grazing the wood.

"Jude?" Connor choked on his name.

Jude turned slowly. "It doesn't feel like it was me."

Connor reached for him, not knowing what to say. "It's time to take your pills, isn't it? And then we can make breakfast."

Jude nodded and he placed his hand in Connor's.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Connor asked, pulling Jude toward the kitchen.

"I don't care. I don't feel hungry."

"We'll see what you have."

Connor prepared a glass of water and handed the pills to Jude. He watched and made sure Jude took the antidepressants. Then, he turned to the fridge. Jude was getting low on groceries. Maybe they could do that this afternoon. A trip out of the house would be nice. Jude had his first appointment with Dr. Nadine today. Maybe they could go after that.

"We can make French toast. How do you feel about French toast?"

"I'm going to get a sweater." Jude jumped off the counter and Connor twitched. " _Alone._ While you make breakfast."

"Two minutes."

"I'm not a child."

"It hasn't even been twenty-four hours!"

"I'm going to be okay," Jude whispered, but neither he nor Connor fully believed it.

He left the room and Connor, as ordered, began to make breakfast. He moved as silently as possible, keeping careful ear out for Jude's footsteps. Jude only went to his closet and back again. Even so, Connor didn't relax until Jude was back on the countertop.

"How are you feeling today?"

Jude pinched the inside of his forearm. "I don't think I'm feeling anything."

"You see Dr. Nadine at four today."

"I know."

"We could go grocery shopping after. Find something good for supper. You always liked cooking."

Jude nodded. "Cooking makes sense."

"What do you feel like making?"

Jude thought about it. "Something for you … Do you still like stuffed Greek burgers?"

Connor smiled at him. "They'll always be my favourite."

He hadn't had them since their separation. He'd thought about making them and had even bought all of the ingredients once, but he'd turned them into something else instead. The burgers had been Jude's recipe and he'd always been the one to make them, only occasionally had Connor helped. On his own, Connor couldn't bear to make them, because what if they didn't taste the same?

Jude tucked his head. "We can make those."

"I'd like that. Come on, breakfast is ready."

Like the meal before it, this one was quiet. Jude barely ate, and Connor couldn't help but comment. Jude had given him a look and finished off one piece of French toast, as if to prove a point, but that was all he ate. The rest of his portion had to be thrown out.

"I'm going to shower," Jude informed Connor after they had loaded the dishwasher. "Do you need to watch me?"

In earlier years, Jude had said nearly the same lines, but flirtatiously. Connor could hear that tone as clearly as he could hear today's flat tone. He could imagine his past self, reaching for Jude, keeping his hands on his husband the entire walk to the shower, their clothes a hastily abandoned puddle on the floor. Connor's current self could only nod at Jude's words. He didn't know what else to do. Of course he wasn't going to watch Jude while he showered. That would be over the line.

"I'm going to use the office, if you don't mind. I don't want work to be too angry with me for the time off."

At the mention of the home office, Jude's expression darkened. "Whatever you want," he muttered dismissively.

Connor began to explain, but Jude had already turned his heel and left the room. Connor heaved a sigh and went upstairs, but Jude was already showering. They would have to talk after.

Connor gathered his briefcase and went into the office. He had spent most of the months leading up to the separation in the office, doing all of the paperwork he could manage to find and then some. As Jude was always quick to point out, however, Connor had done all he could to linger at his actual office building. Connor had never been able to argue with that. Somewhere along the way, home had become a tense place to be. He didn't know if he had started staying at the office late because it was tense or if it had gotten tense because he'd started staying late at the office.

He stepped into the home office. He hadn't taken much note of it last night, but in the morning light it was clear that the room was almost exactly as Connor had left it. He thought this was strange. He would have thought that Jude would want to reclaim the home office from him after he was gone, considering how much Jude had come to resent the amount of time Connor had spent in it. Connor was surprised that the room was still an office at all; not that they had never had any other plans for it. Perhaps a guest bedroom, if it were going to become something else. But it wasn't. The baubles Connor had left behind were still lined up along the desk; the pile of trucks Mikey played with in the corner while Connor was on call was still haphazardly in the corner; it was even dust free. Out of everything, this made Connor raise his eyebrows most of all. Out of all of the household chores, Jude hated dusting the most. It was always delegated to Connor, while Jude would put in effort elsewhere.

Connor walked around to the desk, sinking into the chair. It wasn't as comfortable as he remembered it being, and he had to spend a few moments readjusting himself before giving up. It didn't matter. He set his laptop up quickly, heading to his e-mail inbox. He was integral to the company, sure, but the odds that the apocalypse had happened in his absence were slim. Even so, it took the remainder of Jude's shower for him to reply to the things that had built up in his inbox over the weekend. It was his rule, when he had Mikey. He had lost his husband over his working tendencies. Connor wasn't going to lose his son too.

Connor looked up from his laptop screen as Jude stepped into the doorway. Jude looked around the room, a serious expression on his face. Then he said, "I stopped coming in here. Mikey still calls it ' _Daddy's Room'_. I think he still thinks you're coming back."

Connor looked at the keyboard of his laptop. "We told him –"

"He's a kid," Jude interrupted, a sharper edge to his voice than necessary. "He's hopeful. I can't blame him."

Connor didn't know what to say to that, but Jude was finished talking. He did walk into the office then, though. He settled himself into the armchair by the window; the one that was too old to be entirely comfortable. Connor had often thought about asking for it from Jude – it had been Adam's, before Adam had passed away, and it had been one of the few things Connor had kept of his father's. Connor had never requested it. He figured Jude would pack it up and hand it over, once they had settled everything. To simply ask for a chair would have been too strange in Connor's mind.

"He's an insightful kid," Connor said, bringing his mind back to Mikey. "He told me on Friday that you were sad all the time."

Jude closed his eyes. "I don't want to hurt him."

Connor whipped his chair around to face Jude. "What did you think you being dead was going to do?!"

"I –"

"He _loves_ you. He loves you so much. He would have missed you for the rest of his life! How is that fair!? You wouldn't have been there to see him get his driver's licence or graduate or anything. You wouldn't have gotten another Christmas. Hell, you wouldn't have even seen him turn _seven_. And that was okay with you!?"

"N-N-No-No." Jude couldn't help it. He was crying again; he had curled at the waist and was heaving great terrible sobs.

"I would have spent the rest of my life trying to explain you to him! Trying to remind him of how you sounded and how you felt and letting him get to know you as a person instead of the father of a six year old!"

"I –"

"And what about the rest of us!? Your moms, Callie, Mariana, Jesus, Brandon? What about your nieces? Everyone _loves_ you, Jude! How could you possibly think we'd be okay with losing you!? We don't want to lose you!"

"C-C-Co-Con-Con –"

Connor stood up and went to crouch in front of Jude's chair. He needed to see his husband's face. He gathered Jude's trembling hands in his own and looked into his tear-soaked eyes.

"You have a lot of people who are willing to help you. To be there for whatever you need. None of us would ever think any less of you if you reached out for help, particularly about something like this. Your family loves you. Mikey loves you. I love you."

Jude's shaking hands stilled in his own.

"I'm always going to care about you, Jude," Connor said quickly. He'd given far too much away. "After all we've been through together, I could never stop caring about you."

Jude pulled away from Connor, retreating into the recesses of the chair. He contorted himself into the fetal position, pressing himself against the chair back. Connor hung his head. He'd gone too far.

"Jude, I'm sorry."

"It's not my fault!" Jude screamed at him suddenly. "I didn't …"

"Didn't what?"

"Didn't want any of this!"

"What _do_ you want, Jude?"

Jude grew still and he seemed to sink even further in on himself. "I wanted … I _want_ things to be good."

"Things can't be good if you're gone," Connor whispered.

Jude managed to deflate further.

"Are you going to let us save you? Are you going to help us save you?"

"You can't tell –"

"I'm not. I won't. But … I want you to think about doing it. Your family can only help you."

Realization rushed across Jude's face. "You don't want to help me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been forcing you to stay and –"

"No, you're not," Connor gently interrupted Jude's stuttering monologue. "I _want_ to be here."

Hesitantly, Jude reached out and traced Connor's jawline. "Why?"

"I care about you. I want you to be as happy as you can possibly be. Just because I'm not the person who's going to bring you that happiness doesn't mean I don't want you to have it."

"I want you to be happy too," Jude whispered. "Are you happy?"

"Yes," Connor lied. "Let's focus on you, okay?"

"Okay."

They spent the rest of the time leading up to Jude's appointment sitting on the couch, watching TV. It was a relaxing time, although Jude remained rather stony faced through most of it. Connor had asked what he was thinking a few times, only for Jude to promptly dismiss him and his concerns, saying that he was just tired. The closer they got to Jude's appointment time, however, the better that Connor felt. Jude needed to talk to a professional. Connor could only do so much for him.

When they got into Connor's car to go to the doctor's office, Jude was rubbing his throat.

"Does it hurt?" Connor asked. There was a very slight amount of bruising appearing on Jude's neck.

Jude shook his head. "No. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

Jude rested his head against the car window. "Mikey's going to notice."

"We'll just tell him it's because you're sick."

"What if he mentions it to someone?"

"Then it's because you're sick. We'll tell his teachers that you're ill and the doctors are still trying to diagnose you."

Jude took a deep breath and then asked, "Do you think … would anyone be mad … maybe Mikey should stay at Moms one more night."

"Sure. If you need one more day, we can take one more day. This is about you, Jude."

"I don't want to let anyone down."

"You're not."

"He'll be disappointed in me."

"He loves you."

Jude didn't reply to that.

They arrived at Dr. Nadine's. As they walked into the office together, Connor said, "Maybe I'll go see him, though. While you're in your appointment. Unless you want to go with me afterward."

Jude shook his head.

"Too much?" Connor guessed. "That's okay."

They had just settled onto one of the homey loveseats in the outer office when Dr. Nadine appeared. She was a tall woman, almost into her fifties, with long hair that was still a bright blonde.

"Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens?" she called, and Jude stood up. "Hi, I'm Dr. Nadine."

"Hello," Jude responded.

"I'll see you in an hour," Connor said before the two walked into the main office.

"Bye," Jude said half-heartedly.

Connor didn't move until Jude was out of sight.

 **The two poems that Connor recites are by Shel Silverstein. Lately I've had several people ask if I will be moving my stuff to AO3 and the response is, no. At this time my content will only be available on fanfiction.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket**

 **(Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions)**

 **~TLL~**


	4. I'm Here But I'm Really Gone

Once Connor was alone, he reached for his phone, calling Lena.

"Connor! Hello! How are you? How's Jude? Stef mentioned you were at the house last night?"

"I'm good. He's good. We just needed some time to sort through some stuff."

"Oh," Lena murmured. "How's that?"

"We're … where we were before, I guess." Connor had no idea what he was supposed to say. "We were wondering if you'd be okay to keep Mikey another night?"

"Sure, we're always happy to have him." Lena paused. "Although, Connor, I'll admit we're all a little confused."

"I know. Would you mind if I came over or a few minutes? Just to see him?"

"Of course come over!" Lena said brightly.

"Thanks, Lena. See you soon."

When Connor arrived at the Adams-Foster house, Mikey was sitting on the front porch. He jumped up when he saw Connor's car and rushed from the steps. Connor barely got out of the car when Mikey was wrapped around him. Connor lifted the skinny boy up into a hug.

"Dad!"

"Hey, Mikey!"

"Dad, where's Father?"

"Father's at a doctor's appointment right now."

Mikey nodded, his red hair flopping into his eyes. "Grandma said I'm staying here tonight too."

"You are. Is that okay?"

"But, _why_?" Mikey whined.

"Mikey, I need you to trust me, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tomorrow, I'm going to pick you up from soccer and I'm going to explain everything to you then."

Mikey frowned at him. "That's not fair."

"I know."

"I'm not a baby!"

"I know. But grown-ups are weird. And I need you to let me be weird until tomorrow." Connor made a face at Mikey by sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes. He hoped it would help his case.

Mikey grinned and agreed, "Yeah, you are!"

"So is it okay if I'm weird until tomorrow?"

"Fine," Mikey said sulkily. Then he mentioned, "I have math homework."

"Need some help?"

"Yes, please!"

Connor put Mikey down onto his own two feet and then Mikey led him into the house. Connor was left in the living room while he went to fetch his bag from upstairs. It was during this interlude that Lena slipped into the room.

"Thanks for letting him stay," Connor said to her.

"Any time. Stef and I are wondering what's going on," she added a little bluntly.

"Jude and I are just tying up loose ends. It's not really … pretty."

Lena looked sympathetic. "Is this a reconciliation attempt? You can tell us, you know. We love you both."

Connor tried to look neutral. Connor tried to keep his voice steady. But he failed on both counts and ended up whispering, "Oh, Lena, you know that's never going to happen for us."

Lena pretended not to see his tears, knowing that it would only hurt him more. "Things will work out how they're supposed to."

"I got my homework!" Mikey shouted, bouncing into the room. "Hi, Grandma."

"You're starting your homework early. I'm impressed," Lena said.

"I wanted Dad to help me," Mikey said.

"Dad can stay as long as he wants."

"I can't stay long," Connor said. "I need to pick up Father at five o'clock."

"From where?" Lena asked.

"Doctor's!" Mikey said, and, before Lena could ask why Jude was at the doctor's, Mikey continued on. "Let's sit at the table, Dad."

They sat side by side at a kitchen table that Connor knew far too well. Mikey might not ever realize it, but Connor had practically grown up in this house along with Jude. It was heartbreaking for Connor, then, to not feel completely at home at this table. He had never felt like he didn't belong at the Adams-Foster house. Long before Connor had taken Jude's name, this had been home for him.

"What kind of math are we doing today?"

"Addition with two digit numbers," Mikey said.

"Can you tell me how to do it?"

"I think so …" Mikey mused, before begin his attempt at an explanation.

In the middle of Mikey's little lecture, Connor kissed the top of his head, unable to resist. His home was where his son was, and that would never change.

(-.-)

Jude didn't say a word when they left Dr. Nadine's office. They got into the car in silence and he buckled himself in with stiff movements.

"How was it?" Connor asked finally.

"Fine. Mikey?"

"He's confused," Connor said, relating the details of his visit. "Your moms would really like it if you called them tonight. They're a little worried."

"Remind me," Jude said, sounding weak.

"I will," Connor promised. He glanced over at Jude for a moment, taking his eyes off the road and the early evening traffic. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Fine."

"Do you still want to go grocery shopping?"

"Grocery shopping feels normal."

Connor didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing anymore. What did Jude consider normal? Was it an ideal that he wanted to return to or was it the hurt and the pain that had driven him to place a noose around his own neck, believing that to be the only solution? Connor let his gaze drift to the light blue line around Jude's neck. Connor decided that they were going grocery shopping. He would give Jude a new normal; he'd help Jude build a solid platform that he could stand on. It was all that he could do for Jude now.

Jude didn't say a word when they got to the grocery store, but his gait grew stronger as they passed inside the automatic doors. Connor grabbed a grocery cart and followed Jude, who knew what aisles he needed to walk down. He picked ingredients with ease and nestled them in the basket of the cart with more care than was necessary. Connor's trepidation about whether or not the grocery store was a good idea had vanished by the time they walked down the frozen foods section. Jude didn't seem happy, per se, but the wavering man that had been in his place since yesterday afternoon seemed to have fallen into the background. At least for a moment. The wavering man returned at checkout. And when they returned to the car, Jude folded himself into the passenger seat, leaving Connor to put the groceries into the trunk on his own.

The drive home seemed short. After carrying the groceries inside and putting them away, Jude immediately began to lay the burger ingredients out on the counter.

"You don't have to start now if you're tired."

"I feel like I need to be doing something," Jude answered, transferring the hamburger to a large bowl.

"Thank you for cooking dinner for me," Connor said.

Jude glanced at him, and Connor became trapped in his gaze. There was so much emotion in Jude's face; so much that Connor didn't know or understand. Connor wanted to reach out and learn why and how; get down to the roots of everything and help the happiness blossom while trimming down the sadness and the depression.

"You're welcome," Jude said. "Thank you for everything else."

Connor didn't say anything. He flicked the counter radio on and turned the music down low.

"Can I help?" Connor offered.

"Not right now. I want to do it."

"All right." Connor sat on the counter, taking up the same space Jude had last night.

Jude worked quietly for a few minutes before saying, "Tell me something."

"Sure. What do you want to know?"

"Anything … It's been a long time since we talked about anything."

That was true. They had become too comfortable with silence; only breaking it to share facts about Mikey. Connor realized how much he had to tell Jude. And not just big things that happened over the last seven months, but all of the little things too. Though he and Jude had always shared so much through their friendship and relationship, Connor thought of when they had first started living together. Then, curling up in bed with Jude had become Connor's favourite part of the day. There, in the darkness, they would lie intertwined, and they would trade all of the details of their day: the photocopier at work broke; I saw a blonde woman with a beehive hairdo; my coffee this morning had too much cream in it. Anything and everything one had to say was interesting to the other. But that had died down, and had eventually gone away completely.

"Olivia at the office had her baby. They named her Melanie."

"That's sweet."

"Mel peed me."

Jude raised his eyebrows at Connor.

"Olivia brought Mel to the office soon after she was born. And I was holding her and she peed and I ended up drenched." Connor sighed. "I'm glad Mikey's potty-trained."

"I'm glad Mikey always peed on you, pre potty-training," Jude snorted.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm cursed." Connor rolled his eyes. "Oh. And my favourite barista left for college this year and the guy who replaced her is untrainable."

"Maybe if your coffee order wasn't the café equivalent of rocket science, you wouldn't have a problem."

"Hey, just because I have superior taste buds –"

"You think Budweiser tastes good!"

" – and you have unsuperior taste buds –"

"I don't think that's a word."

Connor laughed. "Just let me have this one!"

Jude gestured at Connor with the knife in his hand, a few pieces of minced onion dropping to the floor. "Not when you're wrong!"

"I'm sorry, Lord Jude, but we can't all be as perfect as you."

The humour left Jude's face and slowly he returned to chopping up onions. Limply, he said, "I'm not perfect."

"No," Connor agreed, kicking his heel against the cupboard door. How much should he say to that? "But that's why you are perfect."

Jude didn't look at him. "Tell me something."

"I found this really great Indian restaurant. They just opened up and they're on my way from wok to the apartment, so on my lazy nights, that's where I usually get dinner."

"I thought you weren't a fan of Indian."

"Not usually, but it's a _really_ good place." _And I've never been there with you, so I don't find myself ordering your favourite dishes and sitting in the places that I knew you were once in._

Jude nodded and slid a couple of perfectly crafted burgers into a heated skillet. "Could you keep an eye on those while I make the salad, please?"

"No problem."

Connor carefully tended to the burgers, moving the plate of uncooked burgers closer to him so that he could put those into the pan as soon as there was room for them. The more the burgers cooked, the more his stomach growled and his mouth watered. He knew exactly how these burgers would taste, particularly when he got to his favourite part: the feta stuffed centre. He finished cooking the pile of burgers as Jude finished pouring the balsamic vinegar on the salad.

Quietly, they moved around one another, setting out their buns and piling toppings and sauces onto the burgers. Jude dished the salad onto both of their plates and then Connor led the way into the dining room. Connor sat at his usual seat with Jude right next to him. Under the table, their knees rested against one another.

"Thanks for supper," Connor said.

"You already said that."

Connor picked up his burger. "Yeah, but I'm excited."

He took his first bite, and it was well worth the excitement.

(-.-)

Connor was sitting on the futon, his laptop awkwardly balancing on his thighs. He was reading through a progress report, desperately trying to pay attention to the words and not eavesdrop on Jude, who was on the phone with his mothers.

"No, Moms, that's not it all … It's really not a big deal, we just didn't want Mikey to hear the yelling … There's been some … No, definitely not. And _no_ , definitely not!" Here, he paused and looked at Connor before saying, "I know. But I have to be realistic … Doctor? What? … Oh. No. Just a check-up. Everything's fine." He sighed. "Did Mikey go to bed okay? … Tomorrow, for sure. Yes. I love you too. Thanks, Moms. Bye."

Jude dropped his phone onto his nightstand with a clatter.

"Everything okay?" Connor asked.

"Yes. Then, "I'm not telling them."

"I didn't say –"

"Your thoughts are louder than your mouth sometimes." Jude climbed under his comforter and dropped heavily onto his pillows.

"You're not loud at all."

"I have nothing to be loud about."

"I think you do."

Jude sighed into his pillow. "Okay, Connor."

"I just don't like you underestimating yourself. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

"No offense, but I'm not sure I want to know how I look from my estranged almost ex-husband's perspective."

"I think I'd surprise you," Connor said, but it was he who was surprised by Jude's next words: "Then I want to know even less."

Connor could understand that. As hard as it was to know that Jude didn't love him anymore, it would be even harder to know that Jude still loved him. That would mean that they still loved each other, but they were separated with plans for a divorce anyway. He watched as Jude snuggled himself further into bed, even though it was still fairly early.

"Will the laptop light bother you?" Connor asked.

"No." Jude flicked off the light. "I just want to lay here for a while."

"Okay."

Connor stayed up until nearly two in the morning, getting ahead of what he could so that he could spend most of his day tomorrow away from work. His eyes going dry, Connor finally tucked his laptop under the futon and laid down, staring up at the far off ceiling. His mind felt cluttered, though he couldn't seem to make himself work through one single thing. He thought about Mikey a lot; Mikey and Jude together. He felt almost dizzy with exhaustion, but he couldn't make himself close his eyes and go to sleep.

Unfortunately, nights like these had become far too common since the separation.

He was still staring at the ceiling when Jude appeared next to the futon. He was chewing on his lip and seemed surprised that Connor was awake. He opened his mouth, but Connor didn't need to be asked. He moved over and allowed Jude to lay next to him on the futon.

Jude turned on his side to face Connor, and Connor decided to use Jude's arm as a pillow. He closed his eyes, feeling calm enough to sleep. Jude draped an arm over his waist and Connor felt completely content. More than content enough to fall asleep in Jude's arms.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket**

 **(Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way)**

 **~TLL~**


	5. Everything's Gonna Be Quite All Right

Connor parked his car close to the soccer field, easily picking Mikey out of the crowed of players. His hair shone like a beacon in the late September sun. He was standing in one of the large goalie nets. He had his two best friends, one on either side of him, though they were probably supposed to be chasing the ball. Chris and JP didn't look like they were talking to one another, which wasn't unusual. Connor had gotten to know the two boys well over their yearlong friendships with Mikey. They were twins, but they were definitely not identical. Chris looked a lot like their Minnesota born father, while JP took after their Filipino mother. They only had two things in common: their height and their complete adoration of the aging book series, Harry Potter.

Connor continued scanning the field to pick out the boys' beloved, though slightly exhausted, coach, who was standing on the sidelines. Connor wondered how Coach Roberto did it. He taught elementary gym all day, coached three after school sports with the same elementary school kids, and ran weekend tournaments once a month. The kids adored him, which was fortunate on all counts, but he was adored by all the parents as well.

Connor glanced over at Jude, who appeared to be shrinking into the passenger seat. "I'm going to go talk to Coach."

Jude, who had been fiddling with his seatbelt looked up. "Why?"

"Mikey likes him. Coach sees him a lot. You know, if Mikey gets upset by anything, he might confide in Coach. And if I talk to Coach now, he'll look for it."

"Okay. But I'm going to stay here." Connor looked at him and Jude rolled his eyes. "What am I going to do?"

"I don't know! That's what scares me!"

"I'll be right here, like this, when you get back."

Connor nodded and climbed out of the car, heading to the field.

Coach grinned as he approached. "Hey, Connor."

"Hey, Coach."

"You're early," Coach said, double checking his watch.

"I needed to talk to you about Mikey."

Coach took his eyes off the first graders to raise his eyebrows at Connor. Concern in his voice, Coach asked, "Something wrong with him?"

"No, no. But his father and I –"

"Yeah," Coach interrupted. "I was sorry to hear about you separating, as I said. But Mikey's seemed about the same, if that's what you're worrying about."

"Kind of." Connor put his hands in his pockets, watching Mikey kick the ball into the middle of Chris's back. "His father – and this is just between you and I – but he's, um, sick. The doctors are trying to diagnose him. Uh, in the meantime, I'm staying at the house. I'm just worried about confusing Mikey."

Coach looked sympathetic. "I'll keep an eye on him for you. If you want, I can talk to the other staff."

"We don't want it to be common knowledge," Connor said quickly. "Where we don't know what it is, we haven't even told Jude's family yet."

Coach nodded. "Just tell me if you need anything."

"Thanks."

"All right!" Coach yelled, projecting his voice over the field.

On cue, the kid closest to the ball picked it up. Then, they all rushed to Coach, swarming around him. Connor stepped out of the way as Coach said his parting words, which included a few soccer tips, a few more compliments about their playing, and a reminder to not leave the field until their parents removed them from it.

Mikey ran up to Connor as soon as Coach was done. "Hi, Dad. I was goalie today! Did you see?"

"I saw! Do you like goalie?"

"Yeah! But it gets lonely." Mikey scuffed his foot on the ground. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do I get to go home today?"

Connor nodded. "And, like I promised, we're going to talk to you today and explain things to you."

Mikey's grey eyes grew suspicious. "We?"

"Father and I."

"Oh."

Connor frowned and crouched down to look Mikey in the eye. "You don't sound very happy about that."

"Last time you and Father talked to me, you moved out." Mikey chewed on his bottom lip, a habit he had picked up from watching Jude. In a scared sort of whisper, he asked, "Are you giving me away? Do you not like me because you and Father don't live together anymore?"

"No, no, no," Connor assured him quickly, hugging him tightly. He felt Mikey hug him back just as strongly. "We told you that we love you more than anything. Nothing's ever going to make us want to give you away. Not when we are so happy to have you."

"But, Dad –"

"No buts," Connor interrupted. "We love you more than anything. You're our son and we're not giving you away."

"Okay …"

"Do you want to give us away?"

"No!"

"Then it's agreed? We'll keep each other?" Connor asked seriously.

Mikey nodded and then, looking very serious, he offered his pinkie to Connor. "Agreed, Dad."

Connor made the promise. "Can you do something for me?"

"Yep!"

"Father's in the car. When you see him, I need you to give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him, okay? He's not feeling very good, but that'll help him."

"He's sick?"

Connor nodded. "He'll be better soon. We just need to help as best as we can, right?"

"Right!"

Connor straightened up and walked with Mikey to the car, although Mikey had more of a skip in his step than Connor did. When the front of the car came into full view, Connor was relieved to see Jude sitting up, although he was reaching toward the dashboard, as if he were playing with the radio. Mikey raced ahead of Connor up to the car and opened the passenger door, climbing inside to sit on Jude's lap. Connor watched as Mikey wrapped his arms around Jude and then Connor laughed as he saw Mikey start to talk, his words flying at hundred kilometres an hour. Connor almost hated to interrupt the moment to open the driver's side door.

"And I only got one question wrong in math today!"

"That's really great!"

"Father?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry."

"We can eat up supper when we get home," Jude assured him.

"There's Greek burgers," Connor mentioned.

"Yes!" Mikey pumped his fist into the air, which surprised Connor. "We haven't had those in _forever_."

"Hopefully you still like them, then," Connor joked.

"Fries too?" Mikey asked Jude.

"Sure," Jude said. "Why don't you climb in back so we can head home?"

Mikey froze and then he looked uncertainly at Connor. "We're all going home?"

"Yes," Jude said. "Is that okay?"

Mikey nodded. He didn't say anything else. He just climbed over the console and into the back. Connor watched carefully as Mikey buckled himself in.

"All right?" Connor mouthed to Jude.

Jude nodded. He pulled his sun visor down, but not to block out the evening sun. Rather, he was inspecting his neck. Connor almost said something, but Mikey was with them now, and he needed to be more careful about it. Mikey was too young. There was too much that he just couldn't understand. And Jude didn't want anyone to know, which Connor had to respect.

"Music, please!" Mikey requested.

Jude turned the radio on and they drove home to the poppy sounds that Mikey danced to, as best as he could strapped to his seat. When they got home, Mikey put his backpack away and unpacked his lunchbox. Then, rather than running off to play as he usually did, he sat in the corner of the kitchen, staring at Connor, who was lying fries out on a baking sheet. Jude was sitting up on the counter. All three were quiet, which was out of the ordinary. Connor found himself putting music on, just to fill the silence.

"What do you want on your burger?" Connor asked.

"Just ketchup!"

"You got it!"

The silence followed them to the table, where Jude sat, only picking at his food. Connor could tell that Mikey was getting impatient with the silence and he thought about what to say and where to start. But it was Mikey that finally took the initiative and looked at Jude.

"Are you sick?"

Jude hesitated and stared down at the fry that he had been playing with. "Yes. But the doctors are going to make me better."

"Doctors?" Mikey's voice went high.

Connor knew that Mikey wasn't scared of doctors, but Connor could imagine how this was working in his head. Mikey had never been seriously ill. Doctors were just for check-ups and the occasional worry about strep-throat. Whenever he had the flu, it was always Connor and Jude who took care of him. What kind of serious sickness must be plaguing Jude that he would need _doctors_ to help him?

"I'm going to get better," Jude assured him.

"What kind of sick?" Mikey asked.

Jude glanced at Connor, who scrambled to find something to say.

"The doctors are still trying to find out," Connor said carefully, gauging Jude's expression with every word that he said. "Which is why I'm going to be staying here for a little while. Just to help you and Father and make sure everything is okay."

"Just for a little while?"

Connor nodded. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yes!" Mikey grinned but then he looked at his father again, concern on his face. "When are you going to be better?"

"Soon, hopefully." Jude reached over and ruffled Mikey's hair. "Don't worry. I'm going to be okay."

Mikey looked troubled, though, and he left his chair to climb into Jude's lap. Jude held him tightly.

"Can I help?"

"You do. Just by being you."

"Does Dad help?"

Connor met Jude's eyes as Jude peeked at him from between the bright red strands of Mikey's hair. Slowly, Jude nodded.

"Yes. Dad is very helpful."

Mikey tightened his grip. Connor could see his thin arm muscles struggling to hold onto Jude as tightly as he could. Jude was holding him back just as tightly. Connor wanted to reach out and put his arms around them both. As if Jude were reading his mind, he let go of Mikey with one hand to gesture Connor forward. Connor didn't wait. He abandoned his chair and his dinner to wrap his family up in his arms.

"Please feel better soon, Father," Mikey begged.

"I already do," Jude whispered, and he kissed Mikey's temple.

Connor hoped that was true.

(-.-)

That night, Connor woke up just after four in the morning. He sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders. He blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the dark room. What had woken him? Had Mikey wandered in from his own bed, where he had been tucked in many hours before? But, no. His son wasn't in his room. But Connor's heart leapt into his throat, because Jude was nowhere to be seen either. He leapt from the futon, his eyes scanning the rumpled comforter that had been thrown to the side. He checked the master bathroom, but there was nothing. Quietly, Connor rushed into the hall. He couldn't wake Mikey, not now. But the other bathroom was empty and so was the office.

Connor stuck his head into Mikey's bedroom as an afterthought before rushing down the stairs to see if Jude had done anything drastic with kitchen knives. But he should have thought things through and checked Mikey's room first. Jude was tucked into the corner of it, looking strangely small for a man of his height. Carefully, Connor stepped across the slightly squeaky floorboards. Mikey tossed and Connor froze, but the young boy eventually relaxed against his pillows again.

When Connor crouched in front of Jude, he noticed the tear stains on Jude's face.

"I didn't want to miss anything," Jude confessed in a whisper. "You said it. I could have missed everything and that's not what I wanted. That's really not what I wanted."

"Come on. We're going to wake him up. He'll be here in the morning and we can help him get ready for school. You're not going to miss anything."

Connor held out his hands to Jude and Jude grabbed onto him. When Connor stood up, their hands remained linked. Connor didn't know if it was through Jude's will or his own, but he didn't even think about letting go. They went back to their room, and then Connor laid Jude down on the futon with him. Jude clung to him and Connor whispered words of comfort, unsure of what he could do past that. He hoped Jude took comfort from it and from him.

Finally, Jude fell asleep, just an hour before they would have to get up and get Mikey off to school. Connor didn't even try to sleep. He didn't even think about closing his eyes. Instead, he stared at Jude, asleep in his arms with drying tear tracks on his cheeks. This was his husband. This was his best friend. This was the boy that he had known for twenty-four years and had loved for nearly exactly as long. And yet, Connor didn't know him. Connor no longer understood Jude's life and motivations. But he _wanted_ to. He wanted to know the ins and outs of Jude again. He knew where he had gone wrong before. He knew where they had gone wrong. And, yet, he knew that he wouldn't get that chance at all.

He kissed Jude's forehead. In the dawn light, all that Connor wanted to confess trembled on his lips; all of the apologies that he should have said and all of the _I-love-you_ 's that he had accidentally skipped. He wanted to say that he missed Jude. That he missed the two of them being together and that he missed hearing Jude's voice and his thoughts on things and that he wanted to be curled up next to Jude on the couch, listening to Mikey sing along to yet another Disney movie. He wanted their life back and he wanted to tell Jude that he thought that they should fight for it. But he couldn't, because Jude just needed his support as a person right now, and Connor loved him enough to be that person for him. And Connor couldn't, because Jude didn't love him anymore.

Jude shifted slightly in his sleep, tucking his head closer to Connor's chest.

Connor nuzzled his cheek against the top of Jude's head and just held on tightly to him. And then, the word dripped from his mouth. "Stay."

"Stay," Jude whispered back.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"I thought so too." Jude reached up and threaded his fingers through Connor's. It was an easy, natural movement and Connor's heart leapt.

"You should sleep."

"So should you," Jude retorted. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you want me to stay?"

Connor found himself touching Jude's neck. Jude didn't move as Connor's fingers travelled across his skin, sometimes crossing the line of bruising, sometimes steering free of it. "Because no one wants to lose you."

Jude wriggled backward, slightly out of Connor's grip. "I –"

Connor waited, but Jude never got further than that. Jude's teeth clicked together as he shut his mouth and then he rolled back into Connor's side.

"Knock, knock," Jude said.

"Who's there?"

"Cows go."

"Cows go who?"

"No," Jude corrected. "Cows go moo."

Connor laughed. It wasn't really funny enough for the guffaw that exploded out of his mouth and he buried his head against the softness of Jude's t-shirt. Still chuckling, he managed to ask, "Where did you hear that?"

"Mikey told me before he went to bed," Jude confessed. His fingers trailed down Connor's side. "I wanted to see if you would laugh."

"Did you?"

Jude nodded. "It's a cute joke."

"It is a cute joke." Connor did his best to think of one to return with, but the he could only think of the most annoying knock-knock joke in existence. "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

Jude sighed, but still asked, "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

Another sigh. "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

A slightly longer sigh. "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

Since Connor wasn't in the mood to torture Jude, he said, "Orange."

Jude didn't sigh this time. "Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

"So glad," Jude replied, shaking his head at Connor. "You have no idea how happy I am."

Although his tone was sarcastic, the words caught at Connor. "Are you happy? Even a little bit."

Jude paused. "Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Hopefully today isn't as bad as I think it will be either."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I _want_ to be happy. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Of course." Connor ran his thumb over Jude's knuckles. "Everything counts for something."

Jude wasn't really listening to him, though, Connor could tell. Something in Jude's own thoughts had managed to capture him and Connor had lost him.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"What if I never feel that easy happiness again? What if it's always work?" Jude swallowed. "That's what I'm scared of."

"I don't think you want to hear me tell you happiness is a worthy fight, right?"

Jude shook his head.

"One day at a time, maybe? Everyone's allowed to have good and bad days. And the antidepressants won't start working fully for a couple of weeks, isn't that what the doctors said?"

"Yeah."

"And they could be a big help."

"I shouldn't need them. I didn't need them before."

"Don't say that. It's not bad to need them."

Jude still had a look of shame on his face.

"It's just like the fact that I'm going to need to get glasses soon."

"Glasses and antidepressants aren't the same thing," Jude said quickly.

"Aren't they?" Connor countered. "They're both to help our bodies work as best as they can. It would be like if you broke your leg and needed crutches. They're just to help."

Jude closed his eyes.

"You have to take them."

"I will." Jude's eyes opened again. "I don't want to die."

"But just a few days ago, you did. And I'm still scared."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry," Connor said. "You just need to be safe."

He kissed Jude's knuckles and a tear slid down the side of Jude's face. Jude twisted away from him to flip onto his other side. Before Connor could reach out or say anything, the alarm clock started going off. Jude sat up immediately, dropping Connor's hand.

"You go wake him," Jude said, "and I'll start breakfast."

"Okay," Connor agreed, and then Jude was gone out of the room so quickly it was like he was trying to run away from Connor.

Connor went to Mikey's room and crouched down by his bed, gently shaking Mikey's shoulder. "Come on. Time for school."

"No," Mikey mumbled into his pillow.

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's October today."

Connor chuckled. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Mikey opened his eyes. "School only happens in September."

"Nice try."

"So I can stay home today?"

"Not that nice. Come on. Father's making breakfast."

"What if I ate breakfast in bed?"

"What if you got out of bed?"

Mikey didn't like the sound of that. "But, but, but …"

"Want a piggy back downstairs?"

"Yeah!"

Mikey was suddenly awake as he jumped on his dad's back. Connor carried him downstairs, where a bagel had just jumped out of the toaster.

"Peanut butter or jelly?" Jude asked Mikey.

"One on each side, please!"

Jude prepared the bagel as Connor lowered Mikey to the floor. Jude handed the plate off to his son, who skipped off to the dining room. Jude gathered Mikey's school bag up and began to pack it, making sure that he had his pencils and notebooks, and then sliding his lunch in.

"Mikey, do you have music or gym today?"

"Music!" he answered Jude.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Connor told him.

"Sorry," Mikey muttered, crumbs spraying over the table as he spoke.

"Time to get dressed or you're going to miss the bus," Connor warned.

"K!" Mikey stuffed the remainder of his bagel into his mouth and raced off up the stairs.

Connor watched him use his arms and legs to conquer the steps and then he went into the kitchen, where Jude had made him a cup of coffee. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jude replied formally.

"I forgot how chaotic school mornings always feel," Connor said.

"It's not as bad now that I'm not getting ready for work too."

"Getting laid off isn't the end of the world," Connor said, hearing the pained tone in Jude's voice. "We'll work something out."

Jude sighed. "Sure, Connor."

"Hey, Dad?" Mikey shouted before appearing.

"What's up?"

Mikey looked concerned as he reminded his dad, "It's Wednesday."

"We're still going to go to the park," Connor assured him.

Mikey looked hesitant. "Father too?"

"Yeah," Jude agreed. He looked happy that Mikey wanted him included. "Father too."

"Yes!"

Connor held out his backpack. "Bus time."

Mikey slung the bag over his shoulders and then he hugged both of his parent's goodbye. They followed him out to the front porch and stood watch as Mikey stood at the end of the driveway. He didn't like them to wait with him because he _'wasn't a baby'_ but Jude and Connor didn't feel completely safe letting him go by himself yet, even though it was only the end of the driveway. They were the protective sort.

It was strange to stand next to Jude and drink their coffee, keeping an eye out for the bus, however. Usually at this time of the morning, Connor had already left the house to head to work – his office was twenty minutes further away than Jude's – leaving Jude to complete this morning ritual alone. Connor found that he liked this a lot more than he imagined he would. It was a good way to start the morning; waving goodbye to Mikey as he climbed on the bus and then sitting down on the comfortable porch swing to finish off their drinks.

It was exactly how their morning went and, in the warm sunlight, Jude and Connor settled next to one another, sipping at their drinks as the yellow school bus pulled away.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket**

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 **~TLL~**


	6. I'm Sad But I'm Laughing

"So, the park after school," Jude began.

"Yeah. We were going to go this weekend but it rained. And Wednesdays are usually when I see him again, so …"

"If you ever want to see him more often, you know you can," Jude said.

"I know. We'll see what things look like when I go back to the apartment."

"Mhm," Jude said quickly. He turned toward Connor and asked, "So … what do we do today?"

"What would make you feel better?"

Jude thought about it. "Well …"

"Well?"

Jude shook his head. "I don't know."

"We should do something. Do you want to go out somewhere or stay home?"

"Stay home."

"We could …" Connor trailed off. Something other than sit on the couch and watch TV. What was there to do at home? "Clean."

"Clean?" Jude's tone was flat.

"There's always something to do. We can put on some happy music, you can dust …"

"You can dust," Jude fired back with a growl.

"And you can vacuum."

"I haven't been doing good with keeping up with the cleaning," Jude admitted. "I should have but I didn't. I just … couldn't."

"You did fine. I know you were trying." Connor made his next words bright and cheerful, hoping to keep Jude from dwelling. "Do you want to start from the basement and work our way up or start upstairs and work our way down?"

Jude stood up, taking in a deep breath. "Downstairs. Let's start in the basement."

Cleaning managed to take most of the day. Or, rather, they made it take up most of the day. They put on loud music and barely talked, but Connor couldn't keep his eyes off Jude for most of the day. Jude seemed to like the cleaning. Connor could see how there was something good in knowing exactly what to do and how to do it. There was always something cathartic about putting the world back in order. By the time the clock turned two and they had to leave to get Mikey, they had managed to clean most of the house. The only room left mostly untouched was Mikey's. Keeping his toys put away was his own responsibility.

"Do you want to drive?" Connor offered just before they left.

"No," Jude said, walking out the door.

Connor grabbed his keys and followed Jude out the door. Jude seemed to deflate as he climbed in the passenger seat.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Stop asking me that!"

It was the first Connor had asked today. He didn't know how to respond to it, so he just put the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway, while Jude crossed his arms angrily over his chest.

"I don't know what else to say," Connor finally said.

"I'm just getting sick of hearing it. I'm _not_ okay. That's the problem. If I were okay, then nothing ever would have happened and life would be good again but it's not and it never will be. _I_ never will be!"

"You don't know that. We talked about this morning."

"And I thought you were full of it this morning too!" Jude yelled.

"Jude –"

"Don't." Jude's voice had dropped considerably. "I don't want to hear it."

"What if you need to? I need you to know that things are going to be good again and that this is going to pass. You said you didn't want to die this morning!"

"I don't! But living is hard. You don't understand!"

"I'm sorry for that!" Connor cried.

"I'm _not_ ," Jude said bluntly. "I don't want you to have to understand. But please stop asking me if I'm okay because it makes me feel like I _have_ to be and I don't know _how_ to be and I don't want to disappoint you anymore."

Connor waited until he had pulled into a parking spot at Mikey's school so that he could look Jude in the eye as he said, "You've never disappointed me."

"I know that's not true," Jude mumbled, chewing on his bottom lip.

"It is."

"Our marriage is over. That's not disappointing?"

"It is. Of course it is. But … that's not _you_ , Jude. That's you and me and a whole lot of mistakes. It wasn't as if you set out to destroy us. We tried and in the end we couldn't do it. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But," Connor fished around for words, but just found himself saying, "That's not all on _you_ , Jude."

Jude shook his head. "You should go in and get Mikey."

"You can't avoid things forever," Connor warned him.

"Just today."

 _Yeah_ , Connor thought, and then he went into the lobby of the school, where the kids who were getting picked up waited for their parents. Connor signed his son out at the front desk, and then they went back to the car.

"Park?" Connor asked to double check.

"Park," Mikey confirmed with a nod.

"How was school?" Jude asked as Connor started driving.

"What's a 'tit'?" Mikey asked.

"Why?" Connor questioned.

"'Cause JP called Jake a tit when Jake made fun of Chris for puking in the frog tank."

"A tit is slang term for a woman's breast," Jude explained.

" _Oh_." Mikey thought about it. "So it's a bad word?"

"It's not a respectful word," Connor said.

Mikey accepted this, and then he moved on. He leant forward as far as his seatbelt would allow and managed to touch Jude's shoulder. "Do you feel sick today, Father?"

"I feel good today."

Mikey grinned at him. "Oh! My tooth came loose at recess! Look! Look!" He shoved his tongue against his bottom row of teeth and, sure enough, one tilted forward slightly. "When do you think it's going to come out?"

"Sooner rather than later, if you keep playing with it," Connor replied.

"Good! I _love it_ when my teeth come out!"

Connor laughed. "What are you going to do when you're done losing them all?"

" _Uhm_ … I can get adult teeth out! Don't worry about it, Dad!"

Jude burst into laughter and Connor's heart leapt with delight at the sound.

"You know adult teeth don't grow back, right?" Connor questioned.

"Grandma Stef has to take her teeth out every night."

"Those are fake teeth. Dentures," Jude said. Stef had lost most of her front teeth after a horrible run in with suspect who had managed to hit her with a baseball bat.

Mikey's eyes went wide. "I can get _fake teeth_? I want _fake teeth_!"

"No," Connor told him. "You need to keep your real teeth. That's why we brush our teeth in the morning and at night."

"Dad, _fake teeth!_ Can I get dog teeth? Cat teeth? No! _Dinosaur teeth!_ I want dinosaur teeth!"

"You're keeping your real teeth."

" _Dad!_ "

"Yeah, _Dad_ ," Jude joined in on the teasing. "Dinosaur teeth are so cool."

"So I can pull my teeth out, Father!?"

"No."

"But –"

"Your teeth are the best teeth for you."

Mikey slumped back in his seat and crossed his skinny arms over his chest. He looked out at the playground and declared, "Maybe I'll get lucky and knock all my teeth out today!"

" _Mikey_ ," Connor started warningly, but Mikey had stopped listening.

The car had been turned off, so the little boy knew that it was safe to unbuckle his seatbelt and open his car door. In an instant, he was sprinting his way across the green fields of the park over to the swing set. It was no secret that the swings were Mikey's favourite part of the park. Connor and Jude followed at a more leisurely pace. The park was mostly empty today, which wasn't surprising. The day wasn't a particularly nice one. It hadn't rained, but the clouds obscured the sun, threatening to unleash poor weather at any moment.

"Father! Can I have an underdog?" Mikey yelled.

Jude immediately quickened his pace to get to Mikey. He grabbed the edges of the swing and pulled Mikey backward as far as his long arms allowed him, and then he pushed forward with all of his might, running underneath of Mikey.

Mikey let out a whoop and began to pump his legs, trying to maintain the height that Jude had given him. Connor sank down on the swing next to Mikey while Jude circled around again to give Mikey a few more pushes.

"I'm going to kick the sky!" Mikey yelled, throwing his legs upward. "Watch me!"

"We're watching!" Connor told him. He looked up as he felt a wiggle on one of the swing chains. Jude had grabbed it. "Do you want to swing?"

"Do you need a push?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded and faced forward, feeling Jude's warm hands on his back. Jude pushed him slowly at first, only nudging him along. Then, Connor felt himself swinging. He had to tuck his legs under himself to avoid scraping them along the ground – it was a swing made for a child, after all.

"I'm going to beat you, Mikey."

"No way!"

"Watch out," Jude warned, taking over the final swing on the set. "I'm going to beat you both."

"No way!" Mikey repeated, throwing his spindly legs around in an effort to keep himself flying.

" _Way_ ," Jude and Connor replied in near-unison.

Connor glanced at Jude out of the corner of his eye, but Jude wasn't paying him any attention. Jude had his eyes closed and his face tilted backward so that he was fully facing the sky. There was a definite smile at the corners of Jude's mouth and it made Connor smile.

"I'm going to jump!" Mikey called out.

"Don't hurt your –" But Connor didn't have a chance to finish the warning, because Mikey was airborne.

He landed without a problem and bounced onto his feet. He turned to face his parents and gave them a double thumbs up.

"Ten out of ten!" Connor applauded him.

Then, on Connor's either side, Jude also jumped from his swing. Jude landed capably on his two feet.

"How did Father do?"

"Ten out of ten!" Connor said.

"Your turn!" Mikey told him.

Connor took a deep breath. He hadn't jumped from a swing in years and he was worried about how it would hurt. But then he took the leap, bracing himself for impact, and the ground was much softer than he had anticipated being. He straightened up, dusting off his palms.

"How did I do?" he asked Mikey.

"Eight out of ten," the six-year-old said critically.

"What? I thought I did a good job!" Connor protested.

"Nine out of ten," Jude said.

"You're both plotting against me!"

"Prove it!" Mikey dared him, and then he grabbed Jude's hand and took off with him toward the slides.

Jude easily kept up with the boy's brisk pace, and he looked over his shoulder at Connor. Connor was giving the two a head start so that Mikey would think that he was winning. When they were near the slides, Connor took off, stretching his legs as best as he could. He still went to the gym regularly, but speed was never one of his strong suits. Mikey had already climbed to the top of the tallest slide when Connor skidded across the pea stone, grabbing onto Jude to help slow himself down. Jude didn't move as Connor grabbed onto him.

"Nice job catching us," Jude said sarcastically.

"Hey, I caught you," Connor countered. He put both of his arms around Jude's waist, squeezing him.

"Not always," Jude muttered, and then he broke free of Connor's grip.

He stepped just out of Connor's reach, and Connor allowed his arms to fall back to his sides, feeling as if he had done something wrong. He looked upward to see Mikey hanging over the side of the jungle gym, staring at the two of them. He waved at his son, the feeling of guilt waving over him again. It would only confuse Mikey to see him holding onto Jude. Mikey was priority. Always.

"How's it going up there?" Connor called up.

Mikey stuck his tongue out at Connor and then jumped from the platform he was on to the one below. He crawled into the orange tunnel and Connor walked underneath of it. He had to stretch upward to touch the bottom of the tunnel, but he could reach. He knocked on the bottom of the tunnel. He heard a scrambling sound and he followed it, knocking all the way.

"Where's Mikey?" he called. "Jude, do you know where Mikey went?"

"I have no idea," Jude replied, sneaking across the pea stone.

It was a feat that was easier said than done, as he had to place every foot carefully to avoid making noise with the gravel. He went to the end of the tunnel that Connor had chased Mikey to and contorted himself so that, by straightening his knees, his head would pop up at the entrance. Connor knocked once more, bringing Mikey to the end of the tunnel. Jude popped up with a dragon's roar. Mikey squealed in surprise and Connor heard him crawling swiftly toward the other end. Connor was able to beat Mikey there. He popped up, just as Jude had, and Mikey shrieked again. Caught between his two parents, Mikey crawled to the middle of tunnel and sat there, arms and legs crossed.

"You can't reach me!" he taunted in a sing-song voice.

It was true. Connor's broad shoulders would never fit into the child's tunnel. Jude, though far thinner, would never fit either. Connor stretched his arms in the tunnel, but he couldn't even come close to reaching Mikey, which made a satisfied smile cross the child's face. On the other side of the tunnel, Jude drummed his fingers on the plastic.

"You can't reach me!" Mikey repeated.

"I'll get you!" Connor warned.

"No!" Mikey shrieked. "You _can't_!"

"I'll protect you," Jude promised him.

Mikey immediately took the offer and scrambled down the tunnel to Jude and into the safety of his arms. Jude hugged him for only a second before Mikey climbed onto Jude's back.

"You can't catch us, Dad!"

"I can!"

Jude sprinted off, Mikey's legs clinging to his waist and Mikey's arms tight around his neck. Mikey looked over his shoulder to see Connor running after them.

"Faster, Father, faster!"

As Jude hit the soft ground of the field, rain drops began to fall from the sky. Quickly, they and the ground became soaked. It was a warm rain, though, and Mikey seemed to delight in being outside in the weather. The boy used one hand to push his soaked hair out of his eyes.

"Father, he's right – Oh, no! Dad, are you okay?"

Connor had slipped on the muddy ground, crashing onto his knees and completely dirtying his jeans.

Jude spun around mid-step. "Connor?"

"I'm fine!" Connor stood up, staring at his hands. "I'm the mud monster now!"

"I wanna be a mud monster!"

Mikey slid from Jude's back and tossed himself on the ground, digging his fingers into the grass and pulling up a clod of it. He rubbed his dirty hands on his face and roared at the sky. Jude sat down cross-legged on the ground.

"Can you use mud as face paint?" he asked.

Mikey nodded. "Yep! Do you wanna be a tiger?"

"I'd love to be a tiger."

Mikey worked diligently to smear mud across Jude's face, even though the falling rain thwarted his artistic genius. With one final swirl across Jude's face, Mikey announced, "Done!"

"How do I look?" Jude asked.

"Very cute," Connor complimented.

"Your turn!" Mikey announced, stretching his dirty fingers toward Connor.

Connor leant away from Mikey's outstretched hand. He wasn't as accepting as Jude was of having mud on his face. Mikey wasn't deterred and leapt onto his dad. Connor tumbled back onto the grass, feeling his back become soaked and dirty.

"A puppy? A butterfly?" Mikey asked. "What?"

"Butterflies," Jude decided for Connor. "Butterflies are good."

"But –"

He didn't get a chance to protest anymore, because Mikey was suddenly painting at one side of his face while Jude painted the other side of his face. It didn't take them long to create a pattern across Connor's face. Connor scrunched his face up. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

"Don't ruin it!" Mikey cried.

"Yeah. Don't ruin it," Jude agreed quietly.

Connor felt Jude's fingers rubbing the top of his head. It was soothing for the two seconds before Connor realized that Jude was following Mikey's lead and covering him in more mud than necessary.

"Hey!"

"Hey!" Mikey echoed Connor. The little boy jumped to his feet and raced away. "Can't catch me!"

Jude and Connor were on their feet in a moment, racing after their son. Connor knew that Jude could have easily outpaced him, but Jude kept next to him. Mikey wasn't a fast runner by any means so Jude and Connor weren't worried about losing sight of him. He looked like he was running toward the car anyway, as if it were going to be a safe hiding spot. When they caught up to Mikey, he was crouched by the passenger side.

"No! You can't find me!" he said, scrambling back to his feet.

"Too late, you're found," Jude said, catching Mikey in his arms as Mikey tried to continue the game. "And shivering."

"I'm not cold," Mikey tried to protest, but his teeth began to chatter as he realized he was, in fact, cold.

"Come on. A warm bath and supper is just what we need." Connor opened the back door of his car and realized that three of them were going to ruin his car seats with the amount of mud on them. He thought about saying something but realized it didn't matter. They were just seats. He could covers for them. It was worth it for a moment of rainy, muddy fun with his family.

"I had a bath yesterday. I don't need another one."

"I beg to differ, swamp monster," Connor replied. He got into the driver's seat and cranked the heat up.

"Swamp monsters are cool."

"You're a little boy," Jude said.

"I can be both. I can be whatever I want to be. You and Dad always say that."

Connor laughed. "He's got us there, Jude."

"We'll see who's laughing when we throw him in the tub."

"That'll hurt," Mikey commented and Jude laughed again.

By the time they got home, though, Mikey was looking forward to the bath. While he didn't mind being dirty, he found that he very much minded the feeling of mud when it dried. Connor sent Jude off to the master bathroom to shower first, while Connor helped Mikey get clean. He turned on the shower, just to get the majority of the mud off, and then he ran a bath, adding Mikey's favourite bubble bath to it. Once the skinny boy was happily settled in the bubbles, rubbing goosebumps off his skin, he also began to talk.

"I don't understand grown-ups."

"Grown-ups don't understand grown-ups either," Connor assured him, grabbing a facecloth from the hall closet. He could do some damage control before his shower. "What don't you understand about us?"

"Grandma Stef and Grandma Lena love each other."

"Right."

"And they're married."

"Right."

"You and Father are married."

"Right."

"But you're not going to be married anymore. So you moved out."

"Right." Connor put his facecloth down and went to crouch by the tub. Mikey was right so far, so his question had to be coming up soon.

"But you moved back in."

"Mikey, we told you that it's only temporary. Just until Father gets better."

"When I'm sick you and Father take care of me. Why doesn't Grandma Stef and Grandma Lena take care of Father when he's sick?"

Connor tapped his fingers on the white porcelain siding of the tub.

"They're his moms, right? Like you're my dads?" Mikey knew he wasn't wrong.

"Right. They are." Connor didn't know what to say. He didn't want to shatter Mikey by saying that parents weren't always what a child needed; he was six and Connor didn't want to alienate him from Jude and himself, particularly with the separation mess they had found themselves in. Right now, Mikey needed to fully believe that parents were able to be completely counted on. "Father is trying to protect them."

"Grandmas are tough."

"They are. They're very tough. But … sometimes we try to protect the people we love, even when the people we love are tough. Father depends on Grandmas, just like you depend on us. But now that they're all grown-ups, Father depends on Grandmas in a different way than you depend on us. Is that confusing?"

"Yes," Mikey replied, wide-eyed.

Connor drummed his fingers more quickly. "Okay. You know how when you were a baby, you needed us to change your diaper and feed you?"

"Yes."

"But now that you're six, you're out of diapers and you can feed yourself?"

"Because I'm a big boy, not a baby."

"Right. Well, Father is thirty-six, so he needs his parents for different things than he did when he was six. Does that make a little more sense?"

Mikey squinted at him. "A little."

"But?"

Mikey gathered bubbles up toward his chin and created a beard before answering. His voice was a little more than a whisper, "But you moved back in."

"I know. And I know that's confusing to you –"

"You act the same!" Mikey burst out.

"What does that mean?"

"You act like you love Father. And I know Father still loves you. Dad, I _know_ it."

"Father and I still care about each other, but that doesn't mean that we're in love. There's a lot more to love than just acting a certain way. I know how this looks to you. I know it's confusing. But I'm just here as Father's friend."

"Don't lie to me!" Mikey yelled.

"Whoa, whoa."

Connor looked over his shoulder to see Jude standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

"Why are we yelling?"

"We're a little confused on why I moved back in," Connor explained in a low voice.

"I'm not confused! You're confused!" Mikey yelled. "Why does being a grown-up make you so stupid!?"

"Hey, that's not a nice word," Connor chastised him.

"I don't _care_ what you think!"

Jude put his hand on Connor's shoulder. "Why don't you go shower and let me talk to him?"

Connor was reluctant to walk away from the conversation where it was so important, but Mikey also dismissed him.

"I want Father."

Connor uncurled himself from the cold bathroom tiles and stood up. He lingered out in the hallway for a moment to eavesdrop on the conversation. At first there wasn't much to hear, except for the sloshing of water as Jude helped Mikey out of the tub. Finally, Jude spoke.

"Do you want to tell me why you were yelling at Dad?"

"I'm not a baby. I can understand things."

"We know that," Jude soothed him.

"Dad doesn't."

"We know you're a big boy. But sometimes we try to protect you because that's what parents do."

"Will you tell me the truth?"

"Always. What do you want to know?"

"Everything," Mikey whispered.

"That's a big request. Where do you want to start with that one?"

"Is Dad going to move back out?"

"Eventually."

"Why don't you love him anymore?"

Jude was quiet. "Your dad will always mean a lot to me and I care a lot about him. Love isn't a feeling that just disappears –"

"But it did, didn't it?"

"Not exactly. It's hard for me to explain because it's hard for even me to understand. Dad and I will always be friends with each other and we'll always be your parents, okay? We love you most."

"That doesn't answer anything."

"You want the truth, Mikey?"

There was no verbal response and Connor imagined his son nodding.

"Sometimes there's no answers. I know that sounds scary but it isn't, not really. It's just a part of life."

"I don't think I'm going to understand that until I'm a real grown-up," Mikey sighed.

Jude chuckled softly. "No, probably not. Come on, let's go get your PJ's."

Connor snuck away quickly, hiding himself away in the master bath. He turned the shower on as hot as he could make it and then stepped under the steaming water, not caring that his skin turned red in response. His mind was tumbling over Mikey. He felt so sorry for his son, because he knew that it was confusing, and Connor knew that there was no real way to make that better for him. But more than that, Connor was stuck on Mikey's insistence that he and Jude were still in love with one another. It was a child's wishful thinking, obviously. When his own parents divorced, despite being old enough to know that they were better apart, Connor had still indulged himself in fantasies of his parents reuniting and the three of them being a happy family. That was what Mikey was going through now.

It was Connor's own wishful thinking in hoping that his son was right; in hoping that Jude still loved him too. Living apart from Jude, it was easy for Connor to sit and think back on their marriage and then come to the conclusion that, as much as it hurt, it would have hurt more for them to stay together. But now, being back with Jude and being with him every day and seeing what Jude as a person was like, versus the memory of Jude, Connor couldn't contain himself anymore. He was still in love with Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens. His heart still desperately needed the skinny man that had somehow become a shell of his former self, but Connor loved all of Jude anyway. And he knew that he always would. It wasn't a lingering feeling of love that one retained for a spouse and friend that they had put so much into. It was full on, completely embroiled love.

And he was sorry, so sorry. Because he could have tried harder. Could have done more when he still had the chance to.

"Get it together," Connor told himself. "Get it together. This isn't about you."

It was about Jude. It was about their son. Connor had been selfish a lot. Now, he needed to be as selfless as any saint.

"Get it together," Connor said one last time.

He _had_ to.

 **Announcement! So, for those of you who are NSG readers, you'll be familiar with this!** _ **Playlist**_ **. HIMP is getting its own playlist!** _ **So**_ **, send me in any songs that remind you of HIMP and I'll add them to the playlist! Starting next week, one song will be released per week and, at the end of it, there were be a tumblr playlist and a youtube playlist if you want to check those out!**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	7. I'm Broke But I'm Happy

Connor reached over and turned the water off. He towelled himself dry and then realized that he had forgotten to bring clothes with him. He wrapped the towel firmly around his waist and went back into the main part of the room. He had just plopped his suitcase onto the futon when Jude walked into the room.

"Oh," Jude said, turning red and staring at Connor's torso. "I thought you would have been … Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. It's your room. I should have remembered to bring clothes into the bathroom with me."

"Uhm. Mikey and I can't decide between tomato soup or mushroom soup for supper. He wanted to know what you wanted."

"Mushroom."

"That's what I thought. I'll see you downstairs." Jude stepped around, but Connor stopped him.

"Is Mikey okay?"

"Like you weren't listening in the hall."

There was no point in denying it. "After I got in the shower."

Jude shrugged. "It's hard to explain it to him. But after we put his pyjamas on, we talked about how getting mad doesn't solve anything and how it's better to just ask us questions, since we're never going to be mad at him for being confused and needing to know more. He asked if he could bad nose bop us if we're being bad at answering questions and I said that he could."

"Nose bop?" Connor asked. "What's that?"

Jude turned to face him. "He hasn't nose bopped you? Marley started it, I think and now they both do it to everyone."

"But what is it?"

Jude crossed the floor to stand in front of Connor. "There are two kinds of nose bops."

"This is getting complicated."

"A bad nose bop, like when someone is being bad at answering questions, is like this." Jude raised his hand and tapped Connor on the end of the nose with his index and middle fingers.

"That's not so bad."

"It could definitely be worse."

"So what's the good nose bop, if that's the bad one?"

"Like this."

Jude leant down into Connor's personal space and, for a moment, Connor was utterly convinced that Jude was going to kiss him, and Connor was tilting his head up to kiss him back. But then the tip of Jude's nose deliberately caressed the tip of Connor's nose, and Connor's racing heart felt like it dropped in his chest. Jude wasn't going to kiss him. Jude was just demonstrating.

"That's … pretty good," Connor managed, cursing the fact that he actually sounded breathless. _What did I just say? Get it together!_

"Yeah. So he'll bad nose bop us if we do anything wrong." Jude was walking away from him, unaffected. It really was all in Connor's head. "I'll see you downstairs."

"See you downstairs."

Connor dressed as quickly as he could in old jeans and a t-shirt, and then he bounded down the stairs. Mikey was sitting on the kitchen counter, holding a bright green spatula.

"Father's letting me flip the grilled cheeses!" he announced to Connor, who knew that he'd been forgiven.

"How are they looking?"

"Perfect!"

Connor peered into the pan. The edges of the grilled cheese was burnt. "It looks perfect."

"I want to be a chef when I grow up."

"I think you'll make a great chef," Connor told him. The grilled cheese was starting to smoke. "Can I offer some advice though?"

"I guess so."

"I think it's time for that one to come out."

"I think you're right!"

Jude held out a plate and Mikey slid the sandwich onto it. Then, Jude dropped the next sandwich into the pan.

"How many grilled cheese are you going to eat?" Jude asked him.

"Just one, thanks."

"Okay," Jude said, and made one more sandwich.

Dinner was a quiet affair. They ate in front of the TV this time. Mikey picked out a movie for them to watch. It was a new Disney one. Mikey and Jude knew all of the words to the songs and Connor felt a little left out, because he couldn't sing along with them. He did enjoy watching them singing duets to one another, particularly when Jude ended up singing in the role of the animal sidekick with a high pitched squeaky voice because, for Mikey's amusement, Jude would try to imitate the voice. He watched the father and son laughing and carrying on. Watching them, it didn't make sense that Jude had tried to kill himself a few days ago. It just _didn't_. He knew that a lot had built up in Jude's life recently, but that happened to a lot of people, and they didn't try to kill themselves. But Connor would never make the argument that Jude was running at full capacity either. Even now, Jude was somehow lesser than. He wasn't the same person that he had always been.

When the movie was over, Connor asked, "Do you have any homework to do tonight?"

"I have to read a chapter of my book." Mikey tapped his feet together. "But I don't _want_ to."

"Go and grab it," Connor told him. "You don't get out of doing homework."

"Father?"

"Sorry. Homework has to be done, whether we like it or not."

" _Darn_ ," Mikey complained.

"Want to read down here or go upstairs?" Jude asked.

"Down here! Be right back!" Mikey bounced from his spot between the two of them and clambered up the stairs.

When he was gone, Jude turned to Connor. "You know, I was thinking and … you might be staying here a while."

Connor nodded. "As long as you need me. However long that takes."

"Thanks. But, what I meant was that you're, uhm, welcome to put your things in the closet and dresser. You don't need to live out of a suitcase."

"Thanks," Connor replied. "Maybe I'll do that tonight."

Jude wouldn't look at him. "I just … I remember how much you hate having wrinkles in your clothes. Suitcases are good for wrinkling."

"Yeah," Connor agreed, caught up in the idea of having his clothes hanging next to Jude's again. "They are."

"I've got my book!" Mikey yelled, announcing his presence far before his reappearance. He nestled himself back between his parents, spreading his book across his lap.

Connor and Jude both leant toward him, getting caught on every word that Mikey read. They knew he found reading difficult. The only time that either of them had ever seen their son become shy was when he had to read aloud in front of people. Therefore, when Mikey read, he had their full and complete attention. It seemed to help, though Mikey was constantly looking up at them for support when it came to this word or that.

"That was a good story," Jude said when Mikey had finished. "Did you like it?"

But Mikey shook his head. "Chameleons are gross. Like frogs."

Connor laughed. "I think they're cute."

"Puppies are cute!"

"Red puppies?" Jude guessed.

"Yup!"

Connor laughed again. "You know, asking me for something when Father says no isn't going to work, right?"

"Father didn't say no," Mikey replied. "Father said that we should wait and see what Christmas looks like."

"Then why did you ask me for a puppy?"

"Because two puppies are better than one puppy," Mikey said. Although he didn't actually vocalize the word 'duh', Connor felt it keenly.

Jude mussed Mikey's hair. "Come on, Mr. Manipulator. It's bed time."

"Piggy back?" Mikey asked hopefully.

"Come on."

Mikey climbed onto Jude's back and they began the journey up to the second level of the house. Connor trailed behind them, just enjoying listening to Mikey ask what a manipulator was and to Jude's explanation. Jude deposited Mikey in front of the bathroom sink and very critically watched how much toothpaste was applied to the toothbrush. Mikey scrubbed his teeth, especially his loose one, very carefully at first, and then he sort of lost interest.

Speaking around both the toothbrush and the foam, he asked, "Dad, why did you fall in love with Father?"

Connor met Jude's eyes. _Why_? It seemed a ridiculous question. Everything about him was a reason for Connor to fall in love with him. But, with a parent's intuition, he knew that Mikey's next question would be about why he fell out of love with Jude, because in Mikey's world, everything was simple. If two people loved one another, then they would be together. They would stay in the same house, with their son, and be married until the end of their days, like they had both always planned. Well, perhaps not always. They had no idea, when they were thirteen and just starting their relationship, that their first love would end up being the person they married and had a family with, because it just didn't happen like that. Not in the real world. It was a thing of fairy tales and Jude and Connor were not delusional. They knew they weren't a storybook's definition of prince charming or a knight in shining armour. This was real life, not a fairy tale, and they were divorcing and one of them might find love again, and while Connor wanted to list all of the things he found amazing about Jude, he couldn't, because those things were all still true, and he couldn't admit that. Not to Mikey or Jude.

"I fell in love with Father because he was the right person to fall in love with."

Mikey opened his mouth to respond, but Jude spoke over him. "Rinse and spit."

Mikey followed orders and then he gestured Connor down to his level. Connor crouched and Mikey gave him a bad nose bop.

"That's not an answer."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But it's what I've got."

Mikey rolled his eyes. "Father, why did you fall in love with Dad?"

Jude didn't respond right away. Instead, he steered Mikey from the bathroom and into his little single bed, tucking his son into it. Finally, he answered, "Because falling in love with him would lead me to you."

"If it didn't, would you have still loved him?"

Jude didn't hesitate. "Yes. But you're not the reason we're separated."

"I believe you," Mikey said.

"Good." Jude kissed Mikey's forehead. "Goodnight, Mikey. I love you."

"I love you too, Father."

Mikey repeated the sentiments with Connor, and then they left him to his bed, leaving his bedroom door ajar. They paused in the hallway.

"I'd like to start putting my clothes away, if that's all right," Connor said.

Jude looked shy as he asked, "Would you like company?"

It was amazing to Connor that he would mind asking that, after they had spent nearly moment of the past several days together; after they were both well aware that the only reason Connor was in the house at all was to be there for Jude. "I'd love your company, Jude."

They shut the bedroom door behind them, to keep from disturbing Mikey. Jude plugged his iPod into his bedside speaker and turned the music down low, although Connor immediately recognized the tune as one of Jude's favourites. He hauled his suitcase up onto the futon and then opened his closet doors. His things had always hung on the left hand side, and there was still a space there. Connor pushed a few of Jude's things to the side to make a little more room, and then he saw it, leaning against the back wall of the closet.

"Oh," Connor managed.

Jude didn't have to move to know what he was talking about. Connor could hear the shame in Jude's voice when he said, "I was really angry when you left."

Angry enough to smash the glass on their wedding portrait, probably scarring the picture beneath it. Connor couldn't tell. He couldn't even make out their faces beneath the glass cracks, although every detail of that photo, of that day, were etched completely into Connor's mind. He couldn't have forgotten if he had wanted.

"That's … fair," he eventually said to Jude.

"Not really," Jude replied. "I keep thinking about replacing the glass, but what would be the point?"

What would be the point indeed?

"It's not like I'd ever have a reason to put it back up in the living room," Jude whispered.

"Hanging it in the living room was a pain," Connor grumbled in remembrance. "It almost caused me more anxiety than the actual wedding."

Behind him, Jude let out an awkward laugh. "Not even adopting Mikey gave you more anxiety than our wedding. You were so worried about something going wrong."

"I wanted it to be perfect," Connor said.

"It was perfect."

Connor looked over his shoulder at Jude, "The moment I saw you, everything became perfect."

(-.-)

 _Connor clenched his hands together. His palms were getting sweaty. But he couldn't wipe them on the pants of his suit. But he couldn't meet Jude at the altar and have sweaty palms._

 _"Calm down." His mother. She kissed his cheek. "Everything's fine."_

 _"It's just as it should be," Adam said._

 _Connor, strangely, took more comfort in his father's assurances than his mother's. Adam had been oddly active in the wedding planning, as if by focusing on the details, he could forget the fact that his son was marrying a man. Adam had evolved to the point where Connor no longer felt as if his own father was rejecting him, but Adam had not yet reached to point where Connor could say that he felt fully accepted by the man either._

 _"It looks okay, then?" Connor asked._

 _He had done a quick walk around of the venue before everyone had arrived and it had looked excellent then. It was the middle of August, and he and Jude were having an outdoor wedding in a public garden. They had arranged the seating in a circle around a highly decorated gazebo so that he and Jude could have two aisles. Stef and Lena would begin walking Jude down one while Connor's parents would begin walking Connor down the other at the same time. They would meet in the middle._

 _"It's just as you wanted it," Adam assured him._

 _"I'm so excited! Oh, Connor, there's the cue!"_

 _Connor felt his heart begin to race. The cue. Jude. He was only moments away from 'I do' and a gold wedding band and Connor couldn't think of another time that he'd been so impatient to have something happen. He wanted Jude; he wanted his husband._

 _They were walking and Connor lost the ability to breathe. Every single part of him seemed to be crying out for Jude, and then he caught sight of his fiancé; his twenty-three minutes away from being husband. The moment that Connor locked eyes with Jude, everything disappeared. The music could have died, the guests could have spontaneously combusted, and everything Connor had worried about could have happened, and he wouldn't have noticed. Jude brought peace to his soul; Jude gave him everything. They met in the centre of the gazebo, in front of Donald, Jude's biological father. The man had gotten ordained just so that he could perform the ceremony._

 _For a brief moment in time, parents stood with their children. For Stef and Lena, they were giving away their youngest. For Connor's parents, they were giving away their only. But then they looked at their new son-in-law's, who, after so many years already, had been indoctrinated as simply 'sons'. It was not a loss. The two sets of parents joined their children's hands together. No words of advice needed to be said; no quip needed to be made. This was how it was always meant to be._

 _They left Jude and Connor alone with Donald, but Connor was barely aware. Jude's hand was warm in his own._

 _"You are my best friend. You are the love of my life. I want to experience every adventure that life has to offer with you. We've known each other since we were thirteen years old and I've been able to see you go from the most incredible boy I'd ever met to the most incredible man I've ever met. I can wait to wake up next to you, twenty years from now, and still have you be mine. I love you, entire, Connor Stevens."_

 _Connor was crying. He almost forgot his vows. He almost just stuttered out 'I love you' and then grabbed Jude into a kiss. But when he opened his mouth, his carefully prepared words flowed from him. "You steal my covers and drink all of the cranberry juice. You call me in the middle of the day to tell me you love me. At Christmas time, you always fill my shoes with tinsel. Sometimes, I don't know what to do with you, except to keep you with me, always. I can't believe that I got lucky enough to marry my best friend and I can't wait for the years ahead of us. I love you, entire, Jude Adams-Foster."_

 _"Jude, do you take Connor to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

 _"I do."_

 _"Connor, do you take Jude to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

 _"I do."_

 _"And now, the rings," Donald prompted._

 _As they took turns sliding rings onto each other's left ring fingers, Connor was glad to see that Jude's hands were shaking along with his._

 _"With the power vested in me, I now declared you married. You may now kiss your husband!"_

 _Connor kissed Jude like he was air and Jude kissed him back just as fiercely. This was his husband. His forever. His happily ever after. This was Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens. Connor found himself smiling. Because_ Jude.

 _"I love you," Connor whispered, settling back onto his flat feet. He hadn't even realized that he had risen onto his tip toes._

 _"I love you too," Jude whispered back, resting his forehead against Connor's. "Shall we, Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens?"_

 _"We shall."_

 _Connor gripped Jude's hand tightly as they walked back down one of the aisles to the applause of their family and friends. They found themselves tucked inside a small building, signing legal documents that bound them together in the eyes of the law. The process took a lot less time than Connor thought that it would and, before he knew it, he and Jude were headed off to meet their families for the wedding pictures._

 _"The moment these pictures are taken, I'm taking my shoes off," Jude announced. "My toes are getting pinched."_

 _"Your poor toes," Connor lamented with them. "However will you make it?"_

 _"It's not my fault my feet are so big!" Jude laughed. "But you know what they say about big feet."_

 _"Well, clearly whatever they say is wrong!"_

 _Jude snorted. "No teasing me!"_

 _"You're my husband. I can tease you all I want for the rest of my life!"_

 _Jude's eyes widened. "Clearly, I did not think this marriage thing through."_

 _Connor swatted at Jude's butt. "Quiet. You love me."_

 _"So much," Jude assured him. "So, so much."_

 _They arrived in front of the array of rose bushes that they had agreed upon for the photos, taking the ones with their family first. The photographer was a thorough one, positioning everyone multiple ways and taking pictures of multiple different arrangements of people. Connor shouldn't have been surprised that the Adams-Fosters clan could be combined in so many different ways, but he was surprised that the Adams-Fosters clan could be combined in so many different ways. Finally, the family was dismissed to join cocktail hour and it was just Jude's and Connor's pictures with each other left to be taken._

 _"Let's take our shoes off for this one," Connor proposed._

 _"Really?" Jude raised his eyebrows. "You've been such a perfectionist about this …"_

 _"No one's going to see. Come on." Connor stripped off his dress shoes and socks and Jude happily followed suit._

 _Jude let out a contented sigh as his bare feet sunk into the cool grass. "This. I like this."_

 _"I'm glad, now come here."_

 _Connor reached out and grabbed Jude around the waist, and Jude spun around to face him. It was this moment, where the roses stood out brightly and the sun was beaming down on them, that would become Jude's and Connor's favourite official wedding portrait. That moment, right before they kissed in front of the photographer because they had honestly forgotten that she was there. The rest of the photos, though they came out perfectly, just weren't that one. Connor honestly felt like that moment captured the spirit of the day before it and the spirit of the reception after it._

 _The reception, which they had spent barefoot and laughing, and had eventually been joined in their shoeless-ness by the rest of the guests. The reception, where Jude had shoved cake into his face, just to kiss the icing off. The reception, where, near the end, Jude had dragged him off to a grove behind the reception tent and kissed him so senseless that Connor's knees had nearly given out and he was barely held up by the tree was leaning so heavily against._

 _"We can't here," Connor mumbled._

 _"We're not," Jude muttered, their lips catching with every word. "But I just need you."_

 _Connor understood that completely and he lost himself inside of the embrace of Jude's arms. He didn't think about the remaining guests, partying just steps away. He didn't even think of later that night, when he and Jude would spend their first night as newlyweds in their bed, before flying out on their honeymoon in the morning. The only thing that Connor thought of in that moment, was that exact moment. It was the heat of Jude's skin and the way his skin felt and the way that Connor's mind kept repeating '_ husband, husband, husband'.

 _Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens was his forever, and this was hardly the beginning._

(-.-)

"I remember all of that," Jude said. "Of course I do."

"It seems like it was so long ago."

"It was. Eleven years this year."

Not that they had been together for their anniversary. Connor swallowed his words. This conversation would lead them nowhere. He put his best efforts into ignoring the smashed glass and putting his clothes away. He didn't have much to put away so it didn't really take that long.

"I'm not tired," Jude said as soon as Connor had put his suitcase away. "Are you?"

"No."

"Do you have work you need to do?"

 _Yes._ "Not at all."

"We could go back downstairs and watch a movie," Jude suggested. "Not a kids movie though."

"Deal," Connor agreed. "Is popcorn involved?"

"I like how you think."

"Come on, then." Connor offered his hand to Jude. The moment after, he realized that Jude probably wouldn't take it. But Jude surprised the both of them by placing his hand in Connor's.

"Come on," Jude echoed, and that was that.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's song is:** _ **Postcards**_ **by James Blunt (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	8. I'm Sick But I'm Pretty Baby

After that, things became routine. Around two or three in the morning, Jude would find himself on the futon next to Connor where they would stay until seven, when the alarm would go off. Connor would get Mikey ready, while Jude made breakfast and Mikey's lunch. After they sent Mikey off to school, they would sit on the porch and finish their coffees. Sometimes they sat there after their coffee was gone, if they had found a good conversation topic. If they hadn't, they would head up the office. Connor would get some of his work done while Jude sat in the corner in Adam's old armchair. Usually he read. Sometimes he would watch TV on his laptop. He had gotten very attached to documentaries lately. No matter what it was, Connor would get a full synopsis of it over lunch, which Connor liked. It made Jude talk. Soon after lunch was finished, Mikey would come home. He would play until supper, and then afterward, they would do his homework. Usually they would watch TV together until Mikey's bedtime. After putting to Mikey to bed, Jude and Connor would go back to watch TV until their bedtime, and then everything would start all over again.

Slowly but surely, Connor saw light leak back into Jude's eyes. He became more animated in his movements and his voice. He seemed to care about his life again. At the very least, he wasn't listless. He put effort into cooking and reading and enjoying the little things. Connor knew that even Mikey had noticed. The little boy had commented on it once, when they had been sitting in the rec room together, waiting for Jude to bring down bowls of ice-cream.

Jude still saw his therapist regularly and he was still taking the antidepressants. Everything seemed to be helping. He was _almost_ Jude again. Not entirely Jude again, but almost there. Connor wasn't worried about leaving Jude alone on the occasions that he had to go to the office or attend meetings. Things were going well. It was a few days before Halloween, that Connor decided that they needed to have a conversation.

They were in the basement, on the couch. Mikey had been put to bed an hour earlier and Jude had decided that he wanted to finish the documentary that he had started watching that afternoon. Connor was more than happy to learn about King Tut and had joined him. But now the documentary was over.

"Hey, Jude, I think there's something we need to talk about."

Jude sat up, drawing a blanket around his shoulders. "What?"

Connor also sat up off the arm of the couch. "I've been here a month –"

"Do you want to go?" Jude interrupted. "I mean … I don't want to hold you here. I know you have your own life."

He really didn't. Before this, Connor had spent his time working and waiting for the next time he would see Mikey. And he was in no way being held here. Connor dreaded the day that he would have to walk back out the front doors, knowing that he was forever giving up morning coffee with Jude and watching Jude and Mikey cook supper together and sitting on the end of Mikey's bed, listening to the two of them read dialogue from Mikey's book in the strangest voices they could. The last thing Connor wanted to do was leave.

"That's not it at all. If you still want me to stay, I would still like to."

"I still think I need you around," Jude admitted, curling up further under the blanket as if it were armour.

"Okay. That's not what I wanted to talk about, though."

"Oh." Jude looked concerned. "Then what is it?"

"Well, it was really just … the future in general," Connor admitted. "You told me you and your therapist talked about you going back to school."

"Just briefly."

"You always did want to go to law school."

Jude's eyes flickered around the room. "But there's a reason I didn't."

"Because you had a job that you didn't hate with co-workers that you liked," Connor reminded him. "You didn't go back to school because you liked where you were."

"Do you really think law school is something I should consider _now_?" Jude shook his head. "If I went back, wouldn't something else be easier?"

"When have you ever tried for the easier route?" Connor asked him. "If it's something you still care about, then I think you should go for law school."

Jude picked at the edge of the blanket. "Going back to school is a big decision and a lot of money, no matter what I go back for. That's something I want to think about a little bit more."

Connor nodded. "That makes sense."

"Was there something else?" Jude asked, his eyes on Connor's face.

"You know there is."

Jude nudged Connor's thigh with his foot. "Then out with it."

"I just wondered if you thought about telling your moms why I'm here. Dr. Nadine did say that it would be a good idea to expand your support system."

Jude sighed. "I … I don't know. They still ask why you're here though."

It had been hard to keep them from knowing that Connor was living with Jude and Mikey again, though neither Jude nor Connor had actively tried to hide that fact. While Connor didn't go to the Adams-Foster family dinners, despite being invited, he did drop Jude and Mikey off to all of them. And Mikey hadn't hidden Connor's presence from his grandmothers either. They had managed to keep the fact that Jude was 'sick' under wraps, however, impressing that importance on Mikey. The little boy had been upset by the need for secrecy, but he had understood. He wanted to protect his father.

"I don't want to push –"

"I know," Jude interrupted. "And you're very good at just being here. 'Thank you' doesn't cover how grateful I am that you're here."

"I'm happy to be."

Jude smiled, and then it faded. "I think you're right though. Maybe it is time that I talk to Moms."

"They're only going to want to love you."

"That's what hurts the most," Jude admitted. "I don't deserve it."

Connor frowned. "'It' what?"

"Being loved," Jude replied, as if it should have been completely obvious to Connor from the start.

" _Jude!"_ Connor gasped, and then he reached forward, pulling Jude into a hug. "You deserve love. Why would you ever think you didn't?"

Jude had curled into a ball, the bulk of his body in Connor's lap. Connor kept his arms around Jude, as Jude said, "How could I? I don't do anything for anybody. I don't do anything meaningful. I'm just _here_."

"And here is the greatest place for you to be. Because you make people laugh; you make people happy. You're smart and you're loving and you make the world's greatest Greek burgers and who wouldn't love you? You make a room better just by being in it. No one would know what to do without you." Connor certainly didn't. "You're the greatest person I know. You're strong, and you're sweet, and you're passionate, and I'm so glad you're here."

Jude twisted in Connor's lap so that he was staring up at him and Connor leant forward.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"Will you come with me to talk to Moms?"

"Sure. I'll go anywhere you want me to."

A strange expression crossed Jude's face. It was almost a smile, but not quite. "Okay. I think I should do that soon."

"Whenever you're ready," Connor said.

Jude settled back into Connor's lap, his head heavy. "Can we watch another one?" he asked, reaching for the remote.

"Whatever you want."

Jude picked out another documentary, this time about Nazi Germany, and instead of returning to his usual spot and position on the couch, he stayed cuddled up on Connor's lap. Connor less than minded and let his hand rest on Jude's arm as the narrator started speaking. They had sat like this on the couch a hundred times before but now, every time they did something like this, Connor thought about how it might be the last time.

Connor wanted Jude to be better. He couldn't wait for the day that Jude felt independent and capable and himself again, because it was what was best for Jude, and that was all Connor wanted. Connor, however, would admit that he was dreading the day that he would have to go. It would be so easy to stay, because, somehow, he and Jude and were doing better than they had in the last year of their marriage. They talked and spent time together. They put emphasis on each other's importance, rather than just viewing each other as the other parent to their son. If everything could stay like this, then Connor would never have another complaint about life. But Connor was realistic and he knew that the day would come where he would go back to his apartment. He'd be okay with that. He could make himself okay with it, if it was what was best for Jude.

(-.-)

The Thursday before Halloween, Jude and Connor sent Mikey to spend the night with Marley and Brandon. After supper, they went to talk to Stef and Lena. It was easy to tell, from Lena's expression, that she was hoping that they'd announce that there was no divorce; that they were getting back together. Stef was, as always, slightly harder to read than her wife, but Connor wouldn't hesitate to say that she was hoping for the same thing. Stef and Lena had always been firmly on his and Jude's side.

They sat in the living room; Stef and Lena next to each other, while Connor and Jude sat across from them. Jude kept looking at him, but Connor had sworn that he wasn't going to speak for Jude. He wanted Jude to explain his own feelings, because Connor still felt like he didn't understand Jude entirely.

"So?" Lena said, after a moment of silence. "What's going on?"

"I know you've been wondering why Connor moved back in and it's really not because we're trying to get back together."

Stef leant forward, resting her forearms against her knees. "Then what is it?"

"It's because … because …" Jude's breathing became erratic and he grabbed onto Connor's hand. "He f-found … I was … I t-t-tried … I can't."

He hid his face against Connor's side, and Connor wrapped his arm protectively around Jude's shoulders. He felt Stef's and Lena's eyes on him, and Connor found himself thinking that he could say this much at least. It was too clearly too much for Jude to.

"Near the end of September, I dropped Mikey off to you, remember?"

Stef and Lena nodded.

"Mikey had told me that Friday that he was worried about Jude; that he thought Jude was sad a lot. So, I decided to go and check on him. He didn't come to the door, so I let myself in." Connor took a steadying breath. This was harder to say than he thought it would be. Under his arm, Jude had become so tense that Connor thought that he would snap. He rubbed circles along Jude's back. "I found him in his bedroom, hanging from one of the rafters."

" _Hanging?"_ Stef choked out, while Lena was already reaching for Jude.

Connor nudged Jude into his mother's arms, while she asked the all-important question: "Jude, _why_? Why would you do that?"

"I don't know!" Jude cried. "I was laid off and getting divorced and _breathing_ was hard. I felt like I didn't have anything to hold onto."

Stef crouched on Jude's other side, wrapping her own arms around him. "You can always hold onto us. _Always_."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shh, don't be sorry." Lena rocked him back and forth. "It's okay, Jude. We've got you now. Okay? We've got you."

"How are you now?" Stef asked. "Are you seeing someone?"

Jude nodded.

"Her name is Dr. Nadine. Jude sees her twice a week now. He's been taking antidepressants and they really seem to be helping," Connor added.

"Good, good," Lena breathed. "Is there anything else we can do? Whatever you need."

Jude shook his head, but Connor saw his arms tighten around his mothers'. Telling them was a good decision. Jude needed them.

Stef looked at Connor. "Thank you." She offered her arm to him, inviting him into the family hug.

Connor gratefully joined them. He hoped that Jude felt better now; that he felt safer. He certainly seemed okay, after. When Stef and Lena sat back up on the couch, Jude was nestled between them. They asked him all sorts of questions, which Connor already knew all of the answers to. How was he feeling? Did he like his therapist? Was Connor helpful? What could they do? Was he hopeful for the future? How much did Mikey know? How was Mikey?

Jude took the questions mostly in stride, answering them slowly and carefully. He let his mothers in completely. By the time the four of them were done talking, Jude seemed deflated, much like he did after his more emotional therapy sessions. Talking about this, especially in such detail, was hard for him. Connor knew that all Jude wanted now was to curl up in bed and put on a documentary to fall asleep to.

Stef and Lena walked them out to their car at nearly eleven.

"Call us if you need _anything_."

"I will," Jude promised Stef.

"We love you," Lena told him.

"I love you too."

Jude hugged them both goodbye and then he shut his door behind him. Connor was about to walk past Stef and Lena to get to the driver's side, but Stef caught his arm.

"Did Jude tell us the truth?" she asked anxiously. "Is he as fine as he made it seem?"

Connor nodded. "It's been hard for him, but he's a lot better. Every day is a little brighter."

"How are you?" Lena asked him.

"I'm fine," Connor assured them.

"You didn't have to take care of him all by yourself," Stef said. "We would have been there."

"I know. But that was what Jude wanted and I wanted what he wanted."

Lena was giving him that sympathetic look again; the one that made his heart hurt, because she saw him better than any Adams-Foster, perhaps even better than Jude, now.

"Well, call us if you need anything," Stef repeated.

"Thanks," Connor said, and then he got in the car. "How are you?"

Jude leant his head against the cool window. "Can we not talk until we get home?"

"Sure," Connor agreed. "Straight home, then?"

Jude nodded, and Connor drove out of the driveway. The night blurred around them as they drove. It wasn't a long trip, but it felt like it. By the time they were in their own driveway and Connor had parked behind Jude's car, Connor felt as if it had been hours since they had left Stef's and Lena's. They walked through the dark house as if Mikey were asleep in it and every footstep had to be quiet and deliberate. Jude made a beeline for his bed, barely kicking off his jeans before cocooning himself in his blankets.

"Comfy?" Connor asked, smiling at the sight. Jude's eyes were barely peeking out of the top of the blanket and he looked annoyed that he had to sneak an arm out of the side of his blanket to grab the TV remote.

"Almost," Jude said, his voice muffled.

"Almost? Oh, no. What's wrong?"

Jude's eyes dipped out of sight for a moment before he reappeared. "It'd be more comfortable if you'd come lay with me."

"Gladly."

Connor slowly sat on his side of the bed. It had been months since he had been on this bed. Jude always joined him on the futon, they had never shared this space. Not since Connor had moved out. The last night they had spent together on this bed, they had been back to back, a canyon of anger between them. Jude hadn't wanted Connor anywhere near him; he had wanted Connor to sleep on the futon in the office, something that had frequently happened. But Connor had been stubborn and hateful and had gone to bed on _his_ side as some sort of act of defiance. He knew that as soon as he walked out the doors the next morning, Jude would wash the pillowcases and the sheets and anything else he needed to in order to get rid of Connor's scent, but Connor had hoped that some part of him would linger. He wanted something of himself to be left as a reminder to Jude.

He laid down on the cold mattress next to Jude, but Jude offered him some of the blanket, and soon they were cuddled up next to one another, as if they had never hated one another. Jude was slowly searching through the available documentaries, looking for one that they hadn't watched.

"Jude? How are you feeling? About your moms and everything?"

"You were right," Jude said, without feeling. "I should have told them before. But I don't think I could have before now."

"You did just fine tonight," Connor assured him.

"Thanks. I still think they're going to keep looking at me differently."

"They just found out. They're concerned. Your moms are the best kind of people."

"Like you," Jude murmured.

"No," Connor corrected, "Like _you_."

"Have we watched this one on the wonders of the ancient world?" Jude asked.

"No," Connor replied, letting the subject change go. "I don't think so."

"Does it sound good to you?"

"Extremely."

Jude selected the documentary and then slumped down against Connor's chest, getting comfortable for the movie. Connor's hand drifted to Jude's back and he started rubbing small circles. Jude still felt tense and stressed out. They didn't say anything else about it, but they didn't have to. They understood one another.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's song is:** _ **Rootless Tree**_ **by Damien Rice.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	9. The Other One Is Giving The Peace Sign

The next morning, their routine was broken. Because Mikey was getting on the bus with Marley, Jude and Connor slept in for an extra two hours. This turned out not to be the best idea, however, because Jude had an early appointment with Dr. Nadine and they had to skip their coffee in order to make it to her office on time. Jude could have driven himself and Connor could have stayed at home, but when it came to his therapy appointments, Jude liked having Connor there at the end of it to drive him home.

Connor went off to get their coffees near the end of Jude's appointment, so that when Jude walked out to the car, his was already sitting in his cup holder.

"Thanks," Jude murmured, lifting the cup to his lips.

"How did it go?"

"It was a hard session," Jude said, leaning his head against the window and watching the buildings whip by.

"What did you talk about?"

"Telling Moms and their reactions and how I feel about their reactions."

"And?" Connor prompted, because he sensed that there was more.

"We talked about the day I tried to kill myself. Dr. Nadine thinks that I'm intentionally trying to forget about it, rather than working to accept that I did it."

Connor found himself agreeing with Dr. Nadine. Jude had never really admitted responsibility when it came to killing himself, he often said that it hadn't really felt like him who had done it. Connor had never tried to commit suicide, but he certainly didn't think that Jude was lying when he said that it had felt like someone else who had done it. That being said, Connor knew that Jude, depressed and unthinking as he may have been at the time, was definitely the one who had tied a noose, put it around his neck, and then kicked a chair out from underneath of himself. No one else had done that for him.

"Do you think you have?"

"I don't _want_ to," Jude protested, and then he grumbled, "I also don't want to feel like I'm still in a therapy session."

"Sorry," Connor apologized quickly. "Was that all you talked about?"

"Yeah. I talked a lot about what I remembered from that day. I remembered a lot of small things. More than I thought I did."

Connor pulled into their driveway. "Small things like what?"

"The colour of the paramedics eyes, for example."

Jude got out of the car and Connor followed him up to the porch. Jude made no move to go inside the house. Instead, he leant against one of the railings of the porch, so Connor stood in front of him, slightly leaning against the side of the house.

"Yeah?"

"Green and brown, respectively," Jude informed him.

"I didn't remember that."

"And my first thought, once I became conscious again."

Connor straightened up. "Which was?"

Jude reached for him and picked up Connor's left hand in his own. "I noticed you were still wearing your wedding ring."

Connor looked down at their joined hands. He was _still_ wearing his wedding ring. Jude had taken his off even before Connor had moved out months before; Jude had been done with Connor long ago. But Connor had never been able to make himself remove his. He had always told himself that he would after the divorce was finalized, but until then, his wedding ring being on his finger was the closest thing that Connor had to hope, and he wasn't going to take it off. Not for anything.

"I never asked you why," Jude whispered. His fingers shifted, and then he and Connor were holding hands.

Connor stepped closer to Jude. There was less than an inch of space between them. "I think it's obvious why, Jude."

"After everything, why would you still love me? Why would you want to?"

"Because I love you, entire. Isn't that what we always said? I couldn't give up on you, not even if I wanted to. And I don't want to. I'd rather dream of you than have anyone else."

Jude looked down, staring at their shoes. "Dr. Nadine said that I should start telling people what's really on my mind, because letting things build up isn't healthy."

Connor inched closer to Jude, his heart beating wildly. He both could and couldn't believe that they were on this topic of conversation; that the words he had just uttered had come from his mouth. He realized Jude was waiting for a reply, and managed, "That sounds smart. What's on your mind?"

Jude looked up and the clarity in his eyes floored Connor. "You."

Connor's hand fumbled as he placed his coffee cup on the railing, and then reached with his right hand to cup Jude's jaw. "What about me?"

"Just you. The way you talk and the things you say and how you walk and think and smell and laugh and … You. Entire." He closed his eyes and let his head fall heavily against Connor's hand. "Please don't be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I destroy everything and I'm good for nothing and we're separated and I'm think I'm still in love with you."

Connor stepped forward so that he could feel every line of Jude's body against his own. "Jude, it's okay. You don't destroy everything and you're amazing and I know we're separated, but I'm still in love with you too."

He leant upward. He was going to kiss Jude again and Jude was going to kiss him back. This was real life; he wasn't dreaming. But then Jude lifted his head away from Connor's.

"No, Connor, don't."

"Jude –"

"No, I can't. I can't have us fall apart again. I _can't_. You understand that, don't you?" He sounded desperate.

"I do understand," Connor assured him, "but what if we don't fall apart again? If we still feel this way, don't we owe it to ourselves to try?"

"We already tried and here's where we are!" Jude reminded him.

"We tried when we were hurt and angry! But look at how we've been the past month, Jude! We've learnt a lot, and I think we can do it this time. I _want_ to do it, this time, in a way that I didn't last time."

"What's that mean?"

"I mean … last time, I didn't think that I would ever actually lose you, so I didn't think I had to act like I appreciated you, if that makes sense. I was angry, because things weren't good, but things never got better because we were both still angry. Because we never talked about anything."

"We still haven't talked about anything that happened in the last few months we were together," Jude pointed out.

"But now I feel like we can. Before, I felt like I couldn't say anything to you about how I was feeling because I knew you were too angry to listen or care. Look at us now. I feel like I could tell you anything and you'd sit there and listen because you fully and completely care. I feel like we can sit down and talk through the hard things because now we can both acknowledge we both made mistakes and that not everything rests on the other person." Connor searched Jude's face for a hint of what he was thinking. "Am I wrong?"

"No," Jude whispered. "But I'm _scared_. I don't want to try if I just end up losing you."

"But what if you don't?"

"But what if I do!?"

"Go on a date with me?"

" _What_?" Jude asked, surprised.

"A date," Connor replied, the scene already unfurling in his mind. "We don't have to jump right back into being a married couple. It would probably be a really bad idea to do it that way, anyway. Let's go on a date. Let's just see."

"A date," Jude repeated. "That could be good."

"Yeah!" Connor exclaimed. "It really could."

Jude was nodding and he looked more excited about the idea. "When?"

"Mikey's got a sleepover with Chris and JP next Friday, right? We could go then."

"Next Friday. Okay." There was a hint of smile on Jude's face, but it disappeared as he asked, "What about in the meantime?"

Connor frowned. "What about it?"

"Will the way we are right now change? I know this sounds selfish, but I count on the way we are right now."

"It's not going to change, Jude. Not unless it's for the better, okay?"

Jude smiled. "Okay."

Connor reached past him and picked his coffee cup up again. "Come on. I've got some work to do before lunch."

He and Jude held hands until Connor had to let go to unlock the front door. He gestured Jude through first, but Jude hesitated.

"Connor?"

"Yeah?"

Jude leant down and kissed him gently on the cheek. Connor's breath hitched at the minor, significant gesture. Jude didn't say anything after that, he just led the way to the office. Connor gladly followed him, grinning like a fool the entire way there, and a long time after.

(-.-)

"Can I put my costume on now?"

"No."

" _Father_! Why not?"

"Because you need to eat supper first," Connor explained to Mikey. "I know you're excited, but it would suck to get something on it, wouldn't it?"

"I guess so," Mikey agreed reluctantly. "Is supper almost done?"

Jude laughed. "Just a little bit longer."

"Here." Connor grabbed Mikey and put him on the counter next to Jude's iPod and the speakers. "Why don't you play DJ?"

"Kay!" Mikey agreed and picked up the iPod, thumbing through the songs with ease.

Connor had just started mashing the potatoes while Jude poured peas into boiling water when the first notes of Mikey's chosen song started. Next to him, Jude went tense and Connor turned around to face his son.

"Mikey, I know what you're doing."

"No you don't!" Mikey replied, turning up the song a little louder.

It was hard not to know what Mikey was doing. He knew that this song had been Jude's and Connor's first dance song at their wedding. He also knew that, when things were good, this was the one song that Connor and Jude would drop what they were doing in order to dance around the kitchen to.

"Come on, let's pick a different song," Connor proposed.

Mikey hid the iPod behind his back. "Dad, I like this song. You like this song. Father likes this song. What's wrong with it?"

"It's just not a good idea right now. Let's find something else. Something more upbeat, okay?"

Mikey reached out and tapped him on the nose. "What's wrong with it? There was nothing wrong with it before!"

Connor crouched down in front of Mikey. "This is the song Father and I danced to when we got married. But we're not going to be married anymore. Can you see why this song might hurt?"

"Are you sure you're not going to be married anymore?"

"Yes." Connor answered, because one future date did not make a marriage make. It was less confusing for Mikey this way, too. "Why?"

"You're still here," Mikey said. "But Father doesn't look sick. Father looks better, not sicker. And you were going to go when Father got better."

"Sickness can go up and down," Connor said, clinging to the lie.

"The flu doesn't. A cold doesn't."

Connor didn't know what to say, but, luckily, he didn't have to think of anything. Jude placed a hand on his shoulder and then nudged Connor over to the side so that he could talk to Mikey directly.

"My sickness is different than the cold or the flu."

Mikey blinked, not understanding at all. "How?"

"My sickness is in my brain, so you can't see it. When you have a cold, you can hear someone coughing and see their runny noses –"

"And when they have the flu, they barf _everywhere_!"

Jude let out a small chuckle. "Right."

Mikey settled down to ask, "But you can't see brain sickness?"

Jude shook his head. "So, sometimes, it can look like I'm okay, but I can be very sick that day."

"Does brain sickness hurt?"

Jude hesitated. "It can. Mostly, it makes me feel very tired."

Mikey nodded, and Connor was sure he was recalling the days that Jude liked to stay in bed; the days Mikey had told Connor about so long ago now.

"Does it go away?"

"It gets better. I just have to be careful about certain things." Jude kissed Mikey's forehead. "Can we pick a new song, please?"

"Okay," Mikey agreed and picked the iPod up, changing the song immediately.

Jude and Connor returned to the vegetables they had abandoned, working in silence. Connor was still thinking of their wedding song; in his head, the chords played louder than Mikey's song choices. He was thinking, not of their first dance or the many subsequent times they had danced to this song, but of a future where they could dance to this song again; a future where they could dance around their kitchen again and kiss in front of their son, like they had for the first several years of Mikey's life.

Dinner was quick. Mikey was too excited about it being Halloween to actually eat anything. Once he had taken about two bites of everything on his plate, he excitedly asked if it was okay to go and put his costume on _now_ and Jude and Connor agreed. Mikey took the steps two at a time. He had decided to be a knight for Halloween and Jude had managed to gather the best costume pieces for him. Mikey's favourite was the helmet, which had a bright blue feather blooming from the top of it.

"Do you need any help?" Connor yelled up the stairs.

"I want to do it by myself! I'm a big boy!" Mikey shouted back.

"As if we needed reminding," Jude said, laughing.

"We're here if you need us!" Connor called.

"I'm a big boy!" Mikey shouted again.

"Just eat dinner," Jude advised Connor. "We'll fix him when he falls down the stairs."

"You're optimistic."

"You've met our son, right? He throws himself around like he's a bouncy ball. And he refuses to open the visor on that helmet. I'm being realistic."

"Should we put a leash on him for Halloween this year, then? To keep him from running out into traffic?"

"If you want to walk him, you can walk him. I'm staying out of that one." Jude stabbed a piece of his roast pointedly. "Have fun getting the leash on him."

"Leash!?" Mikey shrieked from upstairs. "Are we getting a puppy?!"

They heard his feet on the stairs. Mikey was moving quickly, although he didn't stumble, until near the end. Then, his feet stuttered and they heard him hit the floor. They heard him slide across the floor on his knees, but he only sounded like he had fallen down the last stair. In a few moments, he was in the dining room, dressed in his knight's costume, right down to the closed visor.

"Are we getting a puppy!? Is there a puppy!?"

"No, Mikey, there's no puppy," Connor said.

The little boy dropped in disappointment. "Then why were you talking about a leash?"

"Dad wants to put a leash on you," Jude explained.

"What!? No! I'm _not_ a puppy! I'm a boy!"

"Doesn't mean I can't put a leash on you," Connor joked.

Mikey grabbed onto Jude, hiding behind him. "Would you let him put a leash on me, Father?"

"No, of course not," Jude assured him.

"Thank –"

"I might help him, though!"

Mikey squealed and dashed from the dining room into the living room. He was only gone for a few minutes, before he rushed back in to tell his parents the news.

"There's trick or treaters out there! Come on! Let's go! We're losing out on candy! Come _on_!"

"Let's not get so impatient," Connor said. "Father and I are still eating our supper."

"But –"

"No buts," Jude said. "Why don't you go and get your shoes on and get your candy bag, okay? Try and take your time?"

"Okay," Mikey said, although he did sound a little annoyed.

He stomped back up the stairs, and Jude and Connor glanced at each other.

"We have like twelve seconds until he's back, right?" Connor asked.

Jude nodded. "We can always heat up more dinner later when we get home."

"And steal some of his candy?"

"He still hates Reese's Pieces," Jude confirmed. "And he won't notice a bag or two of plain chips missing."

Connor shook his head. "So many plain chips. It's a plan."

He and Jude shook on it, as if it were a formal business deal, and then they laughed together. They took their plates to the kitchen, put the leftovers in the fridge, and went to fetch their own shoes and jackets. Mikey joined them halfway through putting things in the fridge. He bounced around between the two of them, rushing them.

"We're supposed to meet Chris and JP! We're going to be late!"

"We're not going to be late. Look, look, Father's putting his shoes on. And now we're out the door. No, wait, Mikey, come on, we have to _lock_ the door. Yes, it's necessary. Okay, go!"

Mikey took off down the street in front of them, joining the mass of children and parents already going from house to house. Mikey was good about staying in sight, though, and they didn't worry about him as he knocked on doors. Life also got easier when they joined up with Chris and JP, and their stressed out father, Andrew. Their mother was a nurse, working the late shift that night and it had been up to him to prepare the two hyperactive six-year-olds for Halloween. Jude and Connor didn't envy him: there were two of them and one six-year-old and _they_ were tired.

Jude, Connor, and Andrew didn't say much as they walked down sidewalk after sidewalk, weaving around parents and brightly decorated children. The night went off without much of a hitch. The only time Mikey had a problem was after one old woman had gifted him with a Reese's Pieces King Sized bar.

"I said thank you anyway," Mikey told Connor and Jude, after expressing his disappointment.

"That was very good of you," Jude said, while Connor mouthed, " _Score!_ "

By nine-thirty, Chris had hit a wall and was being carried on Andrew's back.

"I don't want to go home!" JP whined. "It's not late!"

"It's past your ordinary bedtime," Andrew reminded him.

"Dad, it's Halloween!" JP exclaimed.

"So you've given up sleep?" Andrew snorted. "By the time you get home, you'll be as dead as Chris. I can't carry you both."

Chris, his vampire fangs threatening to fall out of his mouth, mumbled, "You can do anything, Dad."

"Thanks, buddy," Andrew said. "Let's go home, JP."

"You can't make Superman do anything!"

Andrew gave his son the look every parent had down: it was the you-want-to-bet look.

"Mikey gets to go to more houses," JP pointed out.

Andrew looked at Mikey, and saw the same thing that Jude and Connor did. Mikey was nearly as done as Chris. Mikey seemed to have an unnatural amount of energy, even for a six-year-old, but he had found his limit.

"I think Mikey's going to head home too," Jude told JP. "It's getting late."

"I'm not tired," Mikey attempted to protest, but he was weaving from side to side.

Connor caught him around the shoulders. "If we head home now, you can have some candy before bed."

Mikey looked up at him. "Is Father going to carry me home?"

"Sure, Father can carry you home."

Connor collected Mikey's candy bag and Jude picked up Mikey. "Say goodnight."

"Night, Chris. Night, JP. See you at school."

"Night," Chris managed, nodding off. His fangs fell to the sidewalk.

"Goodnight," JP replied, sounding annoyed as he took Andrew's hand.

The two families headed off in opposite directions.

"Did you have a good Halloween?" Connor asked.

"Yeah," Mikey said, smiling. "My candy bag is heavy! Do you feel it, Dad?"

"I feel it. What are you most looking forward to eating?"

"The M&Ms. M&Ms are my favourite."

"M&Ms are good."

"Uh-huh," Mikey yawned.

By the time they got to their front door, Mikey had nodded off on Jude's shoulder. He didn't even remember Connor's promise that he could have a piece of candy before he went bed. He just trotted off, put his pyjamas on, brushed his teeth, and went to bed. He had barely kissed Jude and Connor goodnight before he fell into a deep sleep.

They left his bedroom, sneaking back to the front entrance where Connor had left Mikey's candy bag. Jude rooted through the bag to find the big Reese's Pieces while Connor grabbed two bags of plain chips.

"What is it about Halloween candy that makes it better than regular candy?" Connor asked, crinkling the bags.

"I don't know. Found it!"

"Basement?"

"Bed? It's been a long day."

"You're still very attached to your bed. You rest a lot," Connor observed.

"I know." Jude looked down at the candy in his hand. "But can we?"

"Yes, of course we can."

Connor followed Jude up the stairs, and hesitated in the doorway of the bedroom. He didn't know if Jude would want him to lay next to him in bed or if Connor was being relegated to the futon again. Connor didn't want to push. They had a date next Friday, because he had to take things slow with his husband. He couldn't rush this, because Connor felt _real_ hope in a reconciliation between he and Jude – not just a glimmer of wishful thinking.

"Come on," Jude told him, dropping onto the bed. "Movies, Connor, _movies._ "

Connor sat down on his side of the bed, still feeling a moment of wonder that he was allowed back in this spot. Jude was spread out along the comforter, and Connor reached out to run his hand through Jude's hair.

"You're in a good mood."

"Today has been good." Jude smiled at him. "I feel happy. I think I actually feel _happy_."

"You deserve it."

Jude lifted the Reese's Pieces bar up under his nose. "We deserve chocolate."

"Think he'll notice?"

Jude ripped the end of the wrapper off. "Nah. And if he does, he won't care at all."

"He definitely won't."

Connor flipped onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows, his head just over Jude's. Jude held one of the Reese's Pieces up to Connor's lips and Connor took it from his hand. They finished their respective treats and Jude slid this last piece of chocolate from the package and into his palm. He held it up toward Connor.

"No, you have it."

Jude snapped it in half. "We'll share it."

"Thanks."

Connor took it and they finished off the chocolate. After they finished, Jude rearranged them so that they were lying properly, facing the TV.

"What do you want to watch?" Jude murmured, his head on Connor's chest.

"Whatever you –"

"No, what do _you_ want to watch?" Jude nudged the remote into Connor's hands.

"Hmm." Connor navigated through the rows of TV shows and movies, trying to find something that caught his attention. "Well, it's Halloween. Are we in the mood for scary?"

"Classic Stephen King movies?"

"Not _Carrie_."

"No, not _Carrie_ ," Jude agreed.

"What about _Pet Sematary?_ "

"Sure. But … speaking of pets, we're getting Mikey the puppy for Christmas, aren't we?"

"Oh, absolutely," Connor said. "Did he tell you he wanted a red boy puppy?"

"Yup," Jude said. "Glad we're on the same page."

"What kinds of dogs are _red_?" Connor asked.

Jude shrugged. "We have, like, two more months to figure it out."

Then he reached across Connor and pressed play on _Pet Sematary._

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's song is:** _ **When We Were Young**_ **by Adele (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	10. I Feel Drunk But I'm Sober

The weekend passed in a lazy blur. The most noteworthy thing that they did was make smoothies on Saturday, and that was because Mikey hadn't put the lid on the blender correctly. Monday morning, however, was not a good morning. Connor should have seen a rough day coming, since Jude hadn't had one in a really long time, but he had been optimistic that maybe they had disappeared completely. He left Jude, tucked in bed, and turned the alarm off. Jude buried his head under the pillow as Connor left the room, waking Mikey.

As he was used to, Connor gave Mikey a piggy back downstairs. The dark kitchen, however, gave the boy pause.

"Where's Father?"

"Father feels sick this morning."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Of course he will be. You can go and give him a kiss before you head off to school, all right?"

"Kisses help!" Mikey said with confidence. "Can I have Dino Eggs for breakfast?"

"Yup!"

Breakfast and getting ready for school went easily, although Connor could tell that Mikey was worried about Jude. The entire time they were in the kitchen, he looked toward the stairs, as if Jude would walk down them. Jude hadn't missed a breakfast time since Connor had moved back in with them. There had been mornings where he hadn't been able to do anything but sit on the kitchen counter and watch Connor and Mikey get the day in gear, but he had been there.

Connor sent Mikey to get a few pieces of Halloween candy to go in his lunchbox. When he came back, he dropped all but one of the candies into his box.

"This one's Father's favourite," he said, leaving it on the kitchen counter. "I want to give it to him."

"I'm sure he'd really like that. Let's go brush your teeth and get your clothes on."

"Can I wear my knight's helmet to school?"

"No, I don't think that's a good thing to wear to school."

"What about my sword? Can I take my sword?"

"No, you can play with it when you get home."

Mikey sighed as he tugged a t-shirt over his head. "You're no fun."

"Sorry, I'll try to do better." Connor kissed the top of his head. "Go give Father a kiss."

Mikey approached Jude's bedroom door quietly. He knocked a couple of times and then opened it slowly, calling out for Jude as he did so. It was such a practiced thing that Connor, standing in the hallway, felt like he was being thrown back in time, to just before Jude's suicide attempt. He thought of Mikey, six years old and coming home from school to a father who just wanted to sleep. Connor went to stand in the doorway as Mikey placed the small piece of chocolate on the nightstand next to Jude's head. Connor was glad that Jude didn't ignore Mikey. He reached out from under the blanket to hold Mikey's hand.

"Dad said you feel sick."

"I'll feel okay soon," Jude whispered.

"I brought you chocolate."

"Thank you. Have a good day at school."

Mikey kissed Jude's cheek. "I love you, Father."

"I love you too." Jude hugged Mikey tightly. "See you when you get home."

"See you."

Mikey skipped away from Jude, although he looked reluctant about it. Connor herded Mikey down the stairs, and as he zipped up his light autumn coat, Connor crouched in front of him.

"I don't want you to spend all day worrying about Father."

Mikey's gaze landed on the staircase again.

"Mikey, listen, Father's going to be fine. There are good days and bad days, and today is just a bad day. But I'm going to be here and taking care of him. He's going to be just fine."

"When will he stop being sick?"

"Hopefully soon. But brain sickness can take longer to heal than body sickness, so we need to be patient."

Mikey nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. "I want him to get better."

"He is. I promise. Try to just focus on your schoolwork today, okay?"

Mikey nodded. "Okay, Dad."

Connor walked Mikey outside and remained on the porch, watching as the bus picked him up and carried him off to school. Connor hoped that Mikey really didn't waste all of his energy thinking about Jude today. Connor would do that more than enough for the both of them. Connor went back inside. He made a brief detour to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker. Then, he went upstairs to check on Jude, who had burrowed himself so thoroughly in the comforter that he was completely camouflaged.

"Are you awake?"

Jude didn't respond, but the blanket mound moved.

"Do you want coffee right now?"

"No."

"All right. I'm going to be in the office if you need me."

Jude didn't respond.

Connor worked the morning away. He heard Jude get up once to use the bathroom, but then Jude immediately returned to his bed. At twelve-thirty, Connor decided that he had to get Jude up. Lying in bed all day could _not_ be healthy. Connor was willing to indulge Jude's tendencies to want to be curled up in a ball somewhere when Jude had actually done something that day. Jude had done nothing today. It was a good time for Connor to take a lunch break anyway.

Like Mikey had earlier that morning, Connor knocked on the door before entering.

"Jude? It's lunchtime."

Jude's head was lying on Connor's pillow and he stared at Connor from that perspective. His eyes were very quiet and closed off today.

"Why don't you come downstairs and eat with me?"

"Not hungry."

"I know. But I'd still like you to come downstairs with me. Please."

"Stay here."

"I know you want to, but it'll be good to get out of bed. It'll be nighttime and you'll be back in it soon enough."

"No."

"Please." Connor sat on the edge of the bed next to Jude. "Please."

"There's no point. I don't do anything anyway."

"Yes, you do. Come on. I know getting out of bed is a small thing to accomplish, but it's still an accomplishment. You must be missing your coffee. That's a good enough reason to get out of bed, right?" Connor tried to smile, but Jude didn't smile back. "Please come downstairs with me."

Connor reached out and tried to take Jude's hand as a sign of comfort, but Jude jerked away from him.

"Don't touch me."

"I'm sorry. I promise I won't again."

"Leave me alone."

"I don't want to do that."

Jude pulled the blanket over his head.

"Mikey's going to be home in a couple of hours. I think he and I were both hoping you'd be out of bed by then."

"No."

"Think of Mikey, Jude."

"I don't _want_ to think."

"I know. I know it's hard for you sometimes, and I know that I don't know how to help as well as I should, but staying in bed isn't the answer. I know it's not. Please, come eat something. You don't have to talk to me or anything, but I'm really just trying to take care of you."

The blanket around Jude seemed to constrict.

" _Please_?"

Jude sat up slowly. He kept the comforter curled around him as he made his way downstairs. Connor followed, relieved that Jude had left his bedroom. Before following Jude, Connor opened the blinds and cracked the windows open to get some fresh air into the room. Though he would try his best to keep Jude from curling up in bed again, Connor knew that it wasn't a guaranteed win for him. Jude might end up back there.

When he got downstairs, Jude had turned on the coffee maker, and then had promptly sat on the counter. Without saying a word, Connor prepared Jude's coffee for him and put it into his waiting hands.

"What do you want to eat? A sandwich? A muffin? What?"

"I don't care."

Connor made himself a sandwich and then he prepared a muffin for Jude, cutting it in half and putting butter on it, just as he liked it. Jude would be more likely to eat something small.

"Let's go to the table."

Jude kept a tight hold of his coffee mug and his blanket as he shuffled to the table. Jude picked at the muffin slowly, but Connor didn't comment on the speed that he ate at. It was something. Jude finished his muffin and coffee and they just sat there at the table. They didn't say anything or look at one another.

"Is there anything that you want to do today?" Connor asked, although he knew that there wouldn't be.

As expected, Jude shook his head.

"Maybe a shower? Change your clothes? That might make you feel a little better."

"Maybe," Jude agreed. "Yeah. I'll shower."

He left the table. Connor cleared up the lunch dishes and carried them into the kitchen. He loaded them into the dishwasher and heard the water start upstairs. Connor took his time puttering around the kitchen, taking comfort in the small little activities. Bad days weren't just hard for Jude. They made Connor feel helpless and sad, too. He wanted to do more for Jude, but _he_ couldn't do anything but be there for him. There was no such thing as a complete and total fix, and Connor knew that's what he was searching for.

It was just difficult to compare last night to this morning. Last night, when Jude had fallen asleep against him, with a smile on his face, because yesterday had been _good_. Jude had said so himself. Connor was sure that tomorrow would be better than today, because things always went up and down, but he still didn't like to see Jude struggle.

Connor wiped down the counter again, reminding himself of something that he had read on the internet when he was trying to figure out how to best be there for Jude. It was not his job to keep Jude happy, because that wasn't how depression worked. He _couldn't_ make Jude be happy; nothing and no one could _make_ Jude be happy.

Connor heard the water shut off. Jude had taken a quicker shower than Connor thought he would have. Connor headed upstairs, fully expecting to find Jude in bed, albeit wearing different sweatpants. Instead, he found Jude in old jeans and an older t-shirt, sitting in Adam's armchair.

"I assume you still have work to do," Jude said as Connor walked into the office.

"Yeah, some."

Jude still had the comforter around his shoulders, and he adjusted it before saying, "I'll sit with you."

"Thank you."

Connor settled back into what he had been reading, while Jude put on another documentary. This one was a forensics show, and Jude was only on the third episode of the first season. They had three seasons to go. Connor found himself spacing out in order to listen to how blood analysis worked in the 1980s. He was disappointed when Jude had to pause the show in order to answer his phone.

"Hello? Hi, Mom … I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night."

Connor gave Jude a sharp look, but Jude tucked his head in response to it. The two of them knew that Jude had slept like a rock last night.

"How are you? …. Oh, really? … No, Mikey's seemed fine." Jude moved the phone away from his mouth. "Connor, Mikey hasn't looked sick to you has he? Mom and Marley both have the flu."

Connor shook his head. "I haven't noticed anything."

"He's been fine. We'll keep an eye on him, though … Tell Mom I hope she feels better … I love you too." Jude hung up the phone. "Mariana's panicked about Marley being sick."

"Why?"

"Because Carla's been around Marley, and Mariana's still paranoid about Carla getting really sick. Not that I blame her."

"If Mikey had been born as premature as Carla was, I'd be paranoid too."

Jude stared at him. "You were paranoid anyway."

"Just because you were able to handle everything near-perfectly doesn't mean you can tease me for overreacting to everything," Connor joked, even though he knew that Jude wasn't really in the mood for it.

It was true, though, while Connor constantly felt like he had no idea what to do with the three-week-old they were fostering, Jude had taken everything in stride, calmly and easily taking care of Mikey. Looking at Jude now, Connor had to wonder if it had just been apathy. Had Jude already been fighting depression? No. Connor pushed that thought from his mind. Jude had been happy then; they had been happy together then.

"You were great from the start," Jude whispered. "Really."

"Thanks, although you were a little better."

"No."

"Jude?"

"Mmm?"

"Just take the compliment."

Jude pulled the comforter over his head and hit play on his TV show again. No sooner had he done so, than they heard the front door bang open.

"DAD! FATHER!"

"In the office!" Connor yelled back.

He heard the scrambling sound that was characteristic of Mikey on the stairs, and then the boy flung himself into the office. His bright eyes lit upon Jude and he jumped into his father's lap. Jude helped shed him of his backpack, jacket, and shoes, even as Mikey began talking.

"Do you feel better, Father?"

"A little bit. How was school?"

"Mrs. Hanselmann is gonna have a baby!"

"That's your librarian, right?" Connor asked, and Mikey nodded.

"She told us 'cause she had morning sickness during library period today but that doesn't make any sense because library was our last period before going home."

"Morning sickness is just the name of it," Connor explained. "It doesn't have to happen in the morning."

"That doesn't make any sense," Mikey repeated. "What show are you watching, Father?"

"A show for grown-ups."

"I'm not a baby!"

"But you are a _boy_ , not a grown-up."

" _Someday_ I'll be a grown-up."

Jude cuddled him. "But right now, you're still just our little boy."

Mikey sighed. "You and Dad are always gonna call me a baby."

"We don't call you a baby," Connor pointed out. "You're just _our_ baby."

Mikey sighed heavily.

"Hey," Jude said, remembering something, "You haven't been feeling sick, have you?"

Mikey sat upright, looking alarmed. "You told me that brain sickness wasn't catch-able!"

"It isn't. Marley and Grandma Lena have the flu. We just want to make sure you're not getting sick."

"I won't get sick, I won't!" Mikey crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. "I _hate_ being sick."

"It's not fun at all," Jude agreed. "Did anything else happen at school today?"

"I got to play goalie in gym again! I _like_ goalie! Even if it's for floor hockey and not soccer."

"That's fun," Connor said. "What about Chris and JP? What do they play?"

"JP likes to run around, so sometimes he plays, um, forward. But Chris doesn't like to run around so he always plays defence so he can talk to me."

"Are you being a good goalie if you're talking?" Connor asked.

"I only let _one shot in_!" Mikey exclaimed. "We _won_."

"That's really good," Jude praised him.

Mikey looked satisfied with himself. "Father, can we colour?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

"Can we eat Halloween candy while we colour?"

"A few pieces," Jude agreed. "Go get your colouring books. I'll meet you at the table."

" _Or_ in front of the TV?" Mikey suggested, looking hopeful.

"Sure. I'll meet you in front of the TV."

Mikey left the room to go and gather his things. The moment he was gone, Jude seemed to deflate, and he took a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked him.

Jude pulled the comforter tight around him. "I don't want him to see how much is wrong."

"He understands that you're sick."

"I don't want him to have to understand."

"He knows that you're trying, Jude. That's enough for him. That's enough for all of us. You don't have to pretend. We're all going to have to be there for you, no matter what."

"I just want to protect him."

"I know. You're doing okay, Jude."

"Am I?" Jude asked.

"Yes."

Jude stood up. "I don't know."

"And that's fine too. Can I come downstairs with you guys once I finish this?"

Jude nodded. "Of course."

"Awesome."

Jude left the room, the comforter billowing behind him like a cape. Connor focused on his work, getting through it as quickly as possible. The last thing he did before being able to head downstairs was confirm to his boss that he was still attending the meeting on Friday morning. Then, he went downstairs to join his family.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's song is:** _ **I Go To Sleep**_ **by Sia (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	11. I'm Lost But I'm Hopeful Baby

Connor woke before Jude the next morning, though not long before the alarm went off. He laid there, staring at the white ceiling. Jude hadn't wanted anything to do with him last night at bedtime, so Connor had gone to sleep on the futon. Sometime between midnight and now, however, Jude had curled up next to him, and had managed to do so without waking Connor up. Connor turned his head to look at Jude, hoping that today went better for him.

The alarm blared and Jude opened his eyes. He looked bright and alert as he stretched out along the futon, his toes falling off the end and his fingers curling around the top.

"I like it a lot better when we sleep in bed," he commented, rolling his shoulders.

"Sorry, but I was exiled to the futon last night," Connor teased him.

"Sorry," Jude apologized immediately. "I'm sorry or being difficult yesterday, really, I don't know what I –"

Connor held his finger up to Jude's lips. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize for how you feel."

"Thanks," Jude said. "Now, up, we have to get Mikey."

Jude bounced from bed, but Connor sat up more slowly. "Do you actually feel good today or are you just trying to make it look better than it is?"

"Why can't it be both? Isn't 'fake it 'til you make it' a thing?"

"Pretty sure that's referring to self-confidence and not mental health," Connor replied.

"Whatever works." Jude shrugged. "But, today feels like a decent day. Really."

Connor still wasn't sure that he believed him.

"Trust me, Connor."

Jude held his hands out and Connor took both of them. Jude was warm and solid. He pulled Connor upright and Connor shivered as his bare soles touched the cold hardwood.

"I do trust you."

Jude smiled at him, and Connor felt confident enough to lean upward and kiss Jude on the cheek. The stubble along Jude's cheeks itched at Connor's lips, but Connor didn't mind a bit. He felt Jude's hands tighten on his own and, when Connor looked at Jude's face again, he was relieved to see that Jude's smile looked wider.

"Let's go get Mikey started for the day," Connor said.

Jude agreed and he let go of Connor. Connor was reluctant to lose the warmth of Jude's hands. Jude went downstairs while he went and shook Mikey awake.

"I'm _tired_."

"I know. But you have to go to school."

" _Argh_." Mikey hid his face under his pillow.

"Father's downstairs making breakfast. I'm sure he's got something really good down there."

This caused Mikey to sit up. "Is Father feeling better today?"

"Let's go ask him."

Mikey crawled up onto Connor's back and the piggy-backed downstairs. Jude was making scrambled eggs this morning. Connor felt Mikey straighten up against his back.

"Good morning," Jude told him.

Mikey hid back against Connor's shoulder. He said, _"good morning"_ in a very low voice.

Connor turned his head. "Mikey? Is something wrong?"

"I don't understand," Mikey whispered.

"What don't you understand?" Connor asked.

"Father."

Jude took the now cooked eggs off the hot burner and walked over to Connor and Mikey. Mikey didn't shrink away from his father, but he didn't reach for him either, which was strange to Connor. Mikey was an affectionate kid, particularly with Jude.

"What's confusing?" Jude asked him again. "You call tell me anything, you know that."

"Why …" Mikey started, but he didn't seem to have the words to articulate he was feeling inside. "You were really different yesterday. Like before Dad came back."

"I'm sorry –"

Mikey interrupted Jude. "How does brain sickness work? The flu makes you throw up and colds makes you sneeze. But what does brain sickness _do_?"

"Brain sickness affects how you act. It affects your mood. Sometimes it affects how you think." Jude bit his lip, and Connor was sure that the two of them were thinking the same things. How much should Jude say? He held out his arms to Mikey. "Come here."

Mikey reached back and Jude picked him up off Connor's back. Jude settled Mikey on the counter so that they could talk better. Connor stepped away from the two of them to lean on the opposite counter. He didn't want to interrupt, but he wanted to be here if either Jude or Mikey needed him.

"This might sound a little bit complicated, but I'm going to try and explain it the best that I can. You deserve to understand."

Mikey looked serious. "I'm listening."

"In your brain there are chemicals and those chemicals make your brain work."

"That sounds really _cool_!"

"It is really cool," Jude agreed. "In some brains, the chemicals aren't there or the chemicals don't work right. That's what causes brain sickness."

Mikey was touching his head, mussing up his already chaotic bedhead. "How do you know if the chemicals don't work right?"

"You won't feel right. Like how you know when you're getting the flu. But you go to a doctor to get them to check."

"You have medicine," Mikey said solemnly.

"I do have medicine. The doctor gave me medicine. It helps my brain chemicals work like they're supposed to."

"Does the medicine work?"

"Brains are very difficult. There's a lot to them."

"They look like mush on TV!"

Connor had to interrupt. "What have you been watching on TV that has brains?"

Mikey rolled his eyes. "Scooby-Doo, Dad. Duh!"

Jude shrugged, and then turned his attention back to Mikey. "There's a lot going on in that mush, though. Some days you feel better than others, right?"

Mikey nodded.

"Ups and downs are natural. But when you have brain sickness, they're more extreme, so the bad days look _really_ bad and the good days look _really_ good. Does that make sense?"

Mikey was still nodding, following Jude's logic. "But?"

"But?" Jude repeated.

"Why don't you just take more medicine on bad days?"

"Too much medicine can be bad for you. It's always best to follow the instructions, especially when they're from a doctor." Jude smiled at him. "But the bad days haven't been around that much, have they?"

Mikey shook his head.

"I'm getting better, Mikey."

Mikey looked up at Jude. "You can do it, Father!"

"I can do it because you believe in me." Jude kissed his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude helped him off the counter. "Are you hungry?"

"My tummy's growling!"

"What about Dad? Is Dad hungry?"

"Dad!" Mikey yelled, as if Connor weren't still in the room. He stood up on the counter, looking over Jude so that he could see Connor. "Are you hungry?"

"Of course I'm hungry."

They decided to make toast to go with their eggs. Once it was all made and Connor was making plates up, he happened to glance at the clock.

"I think we're going to miss the bus."

At Connor's words, Mikey broke into a celebration dance. "No school for me! No school for me! No school for me!"

"No, you're still going to school," Connor told him.

"But I missed the bus," Mikey said smugly. "How can I go to school?"

"Dad and I can drive you once you're ready. You won't even be late."

" _Darn_ ," Mikey cursed, and then he stomped from the kitchen into the dining room.

"He might be a _little_ late," Connor whispered to Jude.

"Maybe. But we're not telling him that," Jude joked, and they joined Mikey in the dining room.

By postponing their morning coffee and allowing Mikey to speed brush his teeth, Connor was able to get Mikey to school on time. Jude had opted out of the fifteen minute drive, saying that he wanted to shower and that he'd have coffee ready for when Connor got home. On the drive, Connor quizzed Mikey lightly.

"Did you understand everything that Father told you this morning?"

"Yup!"

"Does any of it upset you?"

"No."

"Do Father's bad days upset you?"

"Yes."

"I just want to make sure that you know that Father's bad days aren't influenced by anything else."

Mikey kicked at his seat. "What do you mean?"

"That Father's bad days come whether or not he wants them to. That no one can make Father have a good day or a bad day. Nothing happens that makes it a bad day."

"I know it's not my fault," Mikey informed him, sounding a lot older for a moment.

"You see right through everything, don't you?" Connor asked, smirking at Mikey in the rear view mirror.

"Yup!" Mikey said proudly.

Connor pulled into the student drop-off zone behind the elementary school, where Coach Roberto was supervising children being dropped off. He would make sure that they got from their parents doors through to the front door of the school.

"Have a good day at school!"

"Bye, Dad. Love you."

"I love you too."

Connor watched Mikey romp through the front doors, and then he waved goodbye to Coach, who had noticed him before he drove off. Connor switched radio stations as he drove home. He felt anxious to _get_ home. It wasn't because he thought that Jude was up to anything or that he thought something was going wrong in his absence. Rather, he was just looking forward to sitting on the porch with Jude and having morning coffee. It was something that was ridiculously simple – after all, they spent most of their days together, so why should a cup of coffee matter this much to him? – but it did. It meant a lot to him. It was one of the big differences that Connor had noted on his part when he compared Jude and him now to how they were before he moved out all of those months ago. Back then, Connor never would have paid attention to how much a cup of coffee could mean. It was only the big gestures that he paid attention to, and he had never felt like Jude had made any. Jude could have been trying in those last few months, but Connor had no idea.

When Connor pulled into the driveway, Jude was already sitting on the porch swing, and Connor could see a mug of coffee waiting for him on the railing. Connor turned the car off and just sat there for a moment, smiling at Jude, who was sipping tentatively at his hot coffee. Connor grinned at the sight, because he was in love with Jude and just looking at him made Connor _happy_ and they had a date on Friday and how could he _not_ smile? Jude finally looked up from his drink to gesture Connor up onto the porch. Connor left his car. He gathered up his cup of coffee and sat down on the porch swing next to Jude. Before they said anything, he took a long drink from his coffee. It was the perfect temperature and had the perfect balance of cream and sugar.

"Mikey get to school okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Jude readjusted himself on the porch swing so that he was facing Connor. "There's something that we need to talk about."

Jude sounded so serious that Connor straightened up. "What?"

"About this … date … on Friday."

Connor felt his heart constrict and his mouth went dry. "Why? What about it?"

He wouldn't blame Jude if Jude changed his mind about going on the date. He knew that the idea of it was stressful for Jude. It might be too much, too fast. It was only the beginning of November. They had only really been in each other's lives again since the end of September. But Connor really believed that if Jude decided he wasn't ready now, then he would be later. Things were good, and that wasn't all in Connor's head, and Jude had _said_ that he thought that he was still in love with Connor. Connor was clinging to that.

"I don't know how you're thinking about it," Jude said, "but in my head I'm kind of seeing it as a new start. Like … we're _really_ going to try."

"That's how I'm thinking about it too," Connor promised him. "I really want you and me to work. I promise."

"But," Jude said, and then he looked down into his coffee mug, unable to look at Connor. "In order to do that, I think we should talk about where we went wrong, so that everything's on the table."

"That makes sense. Do you want to do that now?"

Jude nodded. "Yes."

"Okay." Connor took a deep breath. "I'm not sure where to start, though."

"I _never_ cheated on you," Jude said, heat in his voice. "You always said it, and I still don't know _why_ , but I never did."

"I know that. I think that I said it because I was jealous –"

"Of _who_?"

"Anyone!" Connor blurted out. "We were in such a bad spot that I hated anyone who had a better relationship with you than I did, which, wasn't hard, because we were hardly speaking. And, really, it was easier to blame the downfall of us on some unknown co-worker than … _us_. I didn't want to take responsibility."

"Neither of us wanted to take responsibility," Jude admitted. "The break-up of a marriage is a hard thing to take responsibility for."

"I never really thought that you were cheating. It just seemed like the thing to say. I just wanted you to feel as horrible as I did, because you seemed to be fine, and I hated that."

"I wasn't fine. I hated you when you didn't talk to me and I hated you when you did. For a while, I thought that you stopped seeing me as a person. I was just … Mikey's father. That guy who hung out in your house. I felt like less than a roommate. And then whenever you tried to start a conversation, it just felt like you were trying to placate me or humour me. And you were out of the house a lot. I didn't know what to do about that. I felt alone a long time before you moved out."

"I know that I was at the office a lot. I know I worked a lot. I told myself that I was doing it for you and Mikey, so it was okay. But I was ignoring the fact that I was doing it so that I wouldn't have to be at home. I want you to know that when I said I was at the office, I was _always_ at the office, and that there wasn't anyone there that I was hanging behind to see."

"I never thought that," Jude murmured. "I always trusted that you were where you said you were. But why did you feel like you had to stay away?"

Connor shrugged. "I just felt like I wasn't welcome here anymore. It was strange to look at you, because I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't know what to say to you anymore. I didn't feel like you wanted to talk to me. You were a stranger to me, and I hated that. I've known you since we were thirteen. I've loved you since we were _thirteen_. How was it possible that you were a stranger?"

"I wanted to be. I think our problems started because we stopped talking to each other, and then we stopped knowing how, and then we never tried to start again."

"I can agree with that. Jude, there's something else that I need to know."

Jude looked at him, worried. "What?"

" _Why_ did you try to kill yourself? Was it me leaving or … How did it start? How did it get to that point? I'm sorry, but I still don't understand."

Jude chewed out his bottom lip and then he held his hand out to Connor. "May I?"

Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's.

"I started feeling bad when you were still here," Jude admitted, which crushed Connor more than he knew how to say. "But then you were gone, and things got worse. Mikey kept asking for you and wanting you and he kept coming home from seeing you so happy and excited. Logically, I knew that I shouldn't be upset that he loved you, and that wasn't it. It just felt like he loved you _more_. That made me feel so much worse. Because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't the right parent. He didn't need me. He needed you. And then the legal stuff started. We were really getting a divorce. And it … Uhm … Um."

Jude took a deep breath. Connor had many things to say, but he waited. If he interrupted Jude now, Jude might not start talking again. He wanted Jude to be able to lay everything out for him.

"It feels like my entire life, I've been convinced that _you_ were meant to be with _me_. Twenty-three years ago, I met Stef and Lena for the first time and I met my family. And then at the same time, I met you. You were my first boyfriend, my first love, you were pretty much my first _everything_ , Connor."

Connor squeezed his hand. Jude had been the same for him.

"It's been twenty-three years," Jude repeated. "If I couldn't make it work out with you, then … How could I make anything work? But I had Mikey with me and I made myself do it for him. I know I was subpar for the seven months we were apart. I knew that I wasn't doing enough for Mikey, or for me, but it was so hard to do _anything_. I told myself that I was doing my best and that it was enough and that I'd get better soon. I was still taking care of him. I was still going to work. My family didn't think anything was wrong, so nothing was wrong."

Jude's voice went high-pitched, and his eyes filled with tears. He rolled his eyes, trying to control it, but he ended up just closing them. There was still liquid leaking from under his lashes, and he rubbed it away with his free hand. As he began to speak again, his grip on Connor's hand was so strong that it nearly hurt. But Connor couldn't even think about letting go of him right now.

"And then I lost my job. The moment they told me, I could just kind of … feel myself give up. I couldn't do it with Mikey in the house. That was the one thing that I was clear on. So I waited until he was with you. But I couldn't do it that night, because Callie was expecting me. And then … I don't even remember Saturday happening. But then all of a sudden I knew it was Sunday. I couldn't let you bring Mikey here, because you would have just let him run into the house and look for me. So I sent him to Moms. I figured that Lena would feed Mikey supper and Stef would come look for me and that she'd find me. I thought that … Mom's tough. Out of everyone, she can take it."

"No one's that tough," Connor blurted. "No one."

"I know, _now_." The tears were falling in a steady stream down Jude's cheeks and he made no move to brush them away. "But I was being awful and selfish. I didn't … I didn't know what I was doing. I kind of did. I wasn't doing it to die. I just felt this huge weight on my chest and I thought that dying was the only thing that I could do. I couldn't ask for help. I was just … so locked inside of my own head that I couldn't ask for help. I didn't know how. I didn't know what. _I'm sorry."_

Jude broke down completely and Connor pulled him into a hug.

Through his sobs, Jude mumbled against Connor's chest, "I heard you, you know?"

"What?"

"You got there too early. I heard you come in the house. And I just thought that it would be over by the time that you got upstairs and that I didn't have to put Mom through it; that it was going to be _you_. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Jude, it's okay." Connor rocked him back and forth. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," Jude protested. "It's not."

"It is. It is. It's okay. You don't feel like that anymore, do you?"

"No!" Jude cried. "I want to live. And not because of you and not just because of Mikey. I want to live because _I_ want to be alive."

"That's the best thing that you could have said to me," Connor said, kissing the top of Jude's head.

Jude stilled in Connor's arms. "R-r-really?" he stuttered, sounding confused.

"Really. _You_ have value. Focusing on Mikey and your family and everything that's good in your life is necessary, but you need to want to do it for you, otherwise all the good things in life aren't going to be enough. I'm so glad _you_ want this life."

"I do," Jude promised him in a whisper, still hiding in Connor's shirt. "I do."

Connor rubbed his back. "Is there anything else that you need to talk about?"

Jude shook his head. "I think I understand now. What about you?"

"No. I think I understand now," Connor repeated.

They were silent for a while, as Jude took deep breaths and calmed himself down. Connor rubbed his back the whole time. Eventually, Jude said, "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to go on a date on Friday."

"Sounds like a plan to me. Where do you want to go?"

Jude shifted so that he was laying in Connor's lap and replied, "You asked me."

"So I have to plan? I guess that's fair." Connor stretched out, looking up at the blue sky. "Well, I have a meeting Friday morning –"

"You do?"

"Yeah. I should be home by … three, maybe four at the latest."

"Okay."

"So, we could go somewhere nice for dinner. Get out of the house."

"Where?"

"Some surprises are necessary," Connor mused. "What about after dinner?"

"After dinner?"

"We might as well go all out. Let's not go to a movie, though. We watch enough at home. And I want to be able to talk to you."

"I like your plan so far."

"We could find a beach, go for a nice walk," Connor continued.

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "That sounds good."

"We'll see what after dinner looks like on Friday. See if it looks good."

"Okay."

Connor knew that he should go back to his computer; that he had work to do today. But he could sit with Jude for a few minutes more. The morning was peaceful; the day was good; and he had Jude. Work could wait.

 ***Cues drumroll*** _ **Hand In My Pocket**_ **is finished! There will be twenty-eight chapters total!**

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Impossible**_ **by Shontelle (Reader recommended); and** _ **Wide Open**_ **by Westlife.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	12. I'm Wrong And I'm Sorry, Baby

Friday morning was a bowl of chaos. Connor had to get up earlier than they were used to in order to get showered and dressed. Jude had to get Mikey up and ready himself, which wasn't difficult in and of itself. The difficult part was maneuvering around one another and sidestepping their energetic son, who was even more wound up today. He was getting off the bus with Chris and JP after school for a sleepover, and excited didn't even begin to cover his mood. They had packed an overnight bag for him last night, so this morning they added his toothbrush and his comb after he used them, and he was nearly good to go.

They put Mikey's backpack on him, handed him his overnight bag, made sure he had his bus note, and watched him walk off to the bus. Jude and Connor stood on the front porch until the bus picked him up, and then Connor knew that he needed to leave.

"I'll see you around three or four, okay?"

"Okay."

"Call me if you need _anything_ ," Connor stressed, pulling on his suit jacket. "I mean it. No meeting is more important than you if you need me."

"I'm going to be okay. You trust me to stay alone now, remember?" Jude reminded him with humour, leaning against the side of the house.

"This has nothing to do with trust. I just don't want you to feel like there's no one you can call if you need to call someone." Connor picked up his briefcase from the porch swing and stood in front of Jude. "So call me if you need someone."

"I will. Have fun at your meeting."

"It's a lot of nodding along and pretending I don't just hear ' _blah, blah, blah'_ ," Connor joked. He leant forward and kissed Jude's cheek, and Jude kissed his back. "Bye."

"Bye."

Jude was still standing on the porch as Connor drove away. Connor spent the rest of his day away from home thinking of nothing but home. He focused on his work when he had to – his boss, Alyssa, had been too generous in catering to his need to work at home for him to spit in her face by ignoring his work – but he often found himself pulling himself out of daydreams. He was excited for tonight. He was like a boy going on his first date. It wasn't quite a first date, because Connor already knew how Jude sounded and felt and tasted. Connor knew, though, that those facts wouldn't keep him from getting distracted by the way Jude's lips moved when he talked or the way that the cadence of his voice could curl around Connor's soul and get his heart racing. He just wanted Jude, entire.

Connor breathed a sigh of relief as he escaped from his office building. How could he have ever thought of this place as a safe haven? He should have started working from home long ago.

It was three twenty-seven and Connor was halfway home when Jude called him. Connor answered the phone cheerfully. "Hey. What's up?"

Jude was whispering. "I'm in the E.R."

Connor felt like he was going to throw up. "For what? Are you okay?! What did you do!?"

"I didn't _do_ anything," Jude snapped defensively. "I was stupid and I left a burner on from lunch and I didn't realize it and I ended up putting my hand on it. I called Mom and she thought it looked bad so she brought me to the hospital. I just didn't want you to panic if you got home and I'm not there."

"What's the diagnosis?"

"Second degree burns," Jude admitted. "I just need to wrap it in fresh bandages often, antibiotic cream, and some ibuprofen for pain. It's not that bad."

" _Jude_."

"Are you almost home?"

"Almost. Twenty minutes, maybe."

"I might be home by then. I'll see you soon."

"Are you sure that you're okay?"

"Yes. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon," Connor agreed, hanging up the phone.

He may have broken the speed limit on the way home. He wasn't sure. Connor felt a band constricting around his chest that didn't relieve itself even as the house came into view. It only relaxed a little bit when he walked into his home and found Jude sitting in the living room with Lena.

"Are you okay?"

Jude showed him his bandaged left hand. His entire palm and fingers were bandaged, and Connor felt a ball of dread form in his stomach. There was no way that injury could have formed unless Jude had placed his hand completely flat on a burner, and Connor could think of no reason to do that. The tips of his fingers, maybe, or hitting his knuckles or the side of his hand against a hot pot, but not his entire hand.

"I'm fine."

"The doctors didn't seem too worried," Lena added. "They just said to keep an eye on it and to change the bandages often, because that lowers the chance of infection."

"Okay, that's easy to do." Connor eyed Lena. Was she suspicious of Jude's injuries too? She didn't seem to be. Did that mean that Connor was crazy?

"I won't stick around," Lena said, standing up. "Jude told me that you have something to do this afternoon."

She didn't put any emphasis on the words, Connor noticed. Whatever Jude had told her they were up to, he hadn't used the word 'date'.

"Don't feel like you have to run out," Connor said. "You know we're always happy to see you."

"And I'm always happy to see the both of you," Lena assured him. "But it's Friday night and Stef and I have plans."

"Hot date?" Jude joked, though the tone wasn't entirely natural.

"Not hotter than your stove." Lena said, hugging him. "You need to be more careful. We don't want you to get hurt."

"I know. I wasn't thinking."

"Just keep an eye on it. Mom's going to want to inspect it at family dinner on Sunday."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," Jude said. "I'll see you then."

"I love you, Jude."

"I love you too, Mom."

"And, Connor," Lena said, pausing beside him on her way out, "Don't feel like you have to stay away from family dinners."

"You keep saying that," Connor said.

"You keep not showing up," Lena retorted.

"Maybe the next one," Connor replied, as if they didn't both know that he wasn't going to come. If it were just Stef and Lena, perhaps, but Connor wasn't willing to face the entirety of Jude's family when his and Jude's fate was still up in the air.

Once Lena was gone, Connor took her place on the couch next to Jude, crossing his arms over his chest as he did so.

"Tell me the truth, Jude."

Jude stopped pick at the edge of his bandage. "What do you mean?"

"Did you burn your hand on purpose? Were you trying to hurt yourself?"

"Why would you even ask me that?!"

Connor raised his eyebrows. "Why didn't you just answer the question?"

Jude leant away from Connor, mumbling, "It was an accident."

"How did you lean on the stove like that? To hurt your whole hand so completely?"

Jude looked down at his hand and ran the fingers of his opposite hand across the bandage gently.

"I just want the truth, whether it's good or bad. I'm here for you."

"It wasn't an accident," Jude whispered.

Connor felt the ball of dread in his stomach take over. "Why?"

"That's all anyone _ever_ asks me."

"I know, and it must suck, but, Jude, you need to focus." Connor crouched in front of Jude, so that he couldn't look away. "Why would you hurt yourself?"

"I just … had to."

"You didn't _have_ to."

"I felt overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do. Nothing Dr. Nadine told me was working and I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it," Jude whispered. "And I knew that pain would help me feel something."

"You _knew_ ," Connor said, his mouth going dry. "Jude, you told me that you _never_ hurt yourself on purpose. You told me that after one of your first appointments with Dr. Nadine."

"I lied to you," Jude said. "I didn't lie to her, but I couldn't have you know. I already felt pathetic enough in your eyes."

"You were never pathetic to me. But, you need to be _honest_ with me now."

"I did. Sometimes. After you left. Never burns though. But I was making lunch today and I was using the stove. I felt so sick and strange and emotional and I just needed to stop. So I moved the pan and I just … put my hand on the burner. I realized the second I did it that it was stupid and I shouldn't have. So I pulled away, but I already burnt it. And I called Mom, because I was worried that I'd actually done something permanent this time."

"What did you do the other times?" Connor asked.

Jude didn't reply, but his right hand wrapped around his left ribs. Connor stared at Jude's side. Since moving back in, Connor had never seen Jude with his shirt off. It wasn't something that he'd really thought of before. Jude had never been one to wander around the house shirtless, and it made sense to Connor that Jude wouldn't want to be seen in a state of undress, given what their relationship had been. He had never thought that there was an ulterior motive; he never would have thought that Jude had scars he was hiding.

"Did you cut yourself?" Connor asked, though he knew that he didn't need to. What else could Jude have done?

Jude nodded. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. When was the last time you cut yourself?"

"Before September."

"Have you hurt yourself in anyway before this?"

Jude shook his head.

"You could have called me."

Jude was picking at the edge of his bandage again. "It was about you."

"What do you mean?"

"About tonight," Jude clarified. "I was so worked up over tonight. I just needed something …"

"If you were that worked up, you could have talked to me. We don't have to go on this date. We don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with."

"I want to. I'm just scared. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?"

"It's already working. You don't need to be scared of me."

"It's not _you_. It's just the entire idea of the future. And of getting hurt again. And … everything." Jude's voice dropped off.

"We'll just stay home today, like we always do. Take care of you." Connor lifted from his crouch to kiss Jude's cheek, but Jude caught his arm.

"No! I want … I want to do something with you tonight."

"I just don't think it's a good idea," Connor said. "It's a big thing and a lot of stress. I don't want to make anything worse for you right now. I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

Jude's fingers tightened on Connor's forearm. "You're mad at me."

"No, not mad, exactly. I'm disappointed that you lied to me and I'm upset that you hurt yourself. I'm upset with me for trying to push this so fast. Whether or not we still have feelings for each other doesn't matter, because we're just going to ruin it all over again like this."

"I'm sorry," Jude said. "Please. Can we still do something?"

"You hurt yourself because of _me_ –"

"It wasn't just about you!"

"That's how it feels. It feels like I hurt you! I don't want to do anything to hurt you!"

"One of the worst things that we could have done was say 'divorce' and that already happened! I'm at rock bottom, Connor. Up is scary but I want it. I want to try with you. I'm not going to do this again –"

"I don't know that! What if it's just the logical thing for you to do when you get overwhelmed –"

"I haven't done anything in _months_!"

"A month! Barely! And this isn't some small little thing. You _burnt your entire hand on the stove!_ "

"Connor …"

"I want to go get changed," Connor said, pulling away from Jude to stand up completely. "I don't know, Jude."

Jude curled up on the couch, pulling a throw blanket around him. "I'll stay here."

Connor climbed the stairs slowly, not knowing what to think. He knew that Jude's suicide attempt had been influenced by their impending divorce, but there had been other factors, and so he had never felt like _he_ was at fault. It had been Jude's depression and how that had made him handle the separation; Connor had been in agony after he had moved out, but his mind had never gone to suicide. But Jude burning his hand felt specifically like Jude was hurting himself because of Connor, and Connor couldn't allow that to happen. If having a reconciliation happened at the price of Jude's mental health, it would never be worth it. But Connor didn't know what to do, because Jude seemed to want to go on a date. Connor knew he still wanted to go somewhere with Jude.

He stripped off his suit, pulling on jeans and a comfortable long-sleeved shirt. Maybe something less formal; not a dinner out, but something to get them out of the house. Maybe the word 'date' was too constraining and too fraught with connotations that Jude didn't know how to deal with. They had to work at growing back together, but a part of it should also be natural growth. There shouldn't be so much work on their relationship that it turned into forcing their relationship.

Connor stood at their bedroom window, breathing out heavily. His breath fogged the glass in front of him, obscuring part of their driveway and all of Jude's car. Connor looked at the foggy spot and thought that they could go for a drive. They could stop and get some junk food and fast food, and then speed away. They could turn up the music and share fries and sour candies. It was something that they had done often after getting their licences.

It was a good plan.

When Connor went downstairs, it didn't look like Jude had moved at all. He sat down on the end of the couch, and, when Jude peeked at him, Connor instantly felt apologetic.

"I'm sorry for losing it like that."

Jude flexed his fingers as best as he was able. "I'm sorry for not calling you. I should be able to tell you these things."

"Communication is still something that we need to work at," Connor acknowledged.

"Connor, please don't give up on me," Jude pleaded. "I don't want to give up on you. I never wanted to give up on you."

"Can I have a hug?" Connor asked, and Jude flew into his arms. Connor tucked his head against Jude's shoulder as they held one another. "Listen, okay?"

Jude nodded, clinging to him tightly.

"When I moved out, I thought that was it for us, and that almost destroyed me. I really believe that no one on this earth can matter to me the way that you matter to me. That's why I want to take my time rebuilding you and me. I'd rather take ten years and do it right, than rush through it in a month and lose you for good. Because I can't lose you, and I can't risk you slipping back to a space where you lose yourself."

Jude's grip grew stronger. "Do you love me? Like, _really_ , do you love me?"

"Of course I love you. It was never that I didn't love you; that was never our problem. I stopped knowing how to be your friend, and that's an important part of being in a relationship." Jude felt tense under Connor's hands. "But, yes, to the point. I love you. I _really_ love you."

Connor didn't know whether or not it would be fair to ask Jude to return the sentiment, particularly with such absolution. He loved Jude. He really and truly did. And he had nothing more to lose in saying it, because Jude already knew. Connor was glad that Jude knew, and he hoped that it helped Jude in some way.

"Can we go somewhere? Please? I promise, I'm excited for this. I want to try again. You know how much I care about you, _please_. I want to go on a date with you."

"I had an idea," Connor admitted.

Jude snuggled closer into his chest. "What?"

"A drive. Like we used to."

"With fast food and sour belts."

"And coffee, because your moms didn't want you to drink it." Connor's lip grazed the soft skin of Jude's neck as he spoke. "What do you think? Do you wat to do that again?"

"We haven't done that since we moved in together," Jude murmured.

They hadn't needed to. Long drives together had been their escape. It hadn't just been about parking in a hidden spot, to explore each other in a way that their parents might not condone, although that had been a big part of it, particularly when they first realized that they could get away with it. It had been more about the feeling of freedom; of being full in control of themselves and their choices, because their parents were at home, and only knew vaguely that they were driving, and not what they were doing on that drive.

"Let's go!"

They gathered up Jude's medications and some bandages to change his wrappings later. Jude had just opened the passenger's side door, when Connor stopped him.

"We can turn around at any point," Connor said.

Jude pressed his forehead to Connor's. "I don't want to turn around. I want to keep moving forward."

The urge to kiss him was overwhelming, but Connor held it back. He didn't think that Jude would return the kiss, if he tried right now. They were still too scared.

"Then let's keep going forward," Connor replied.

They got into the car, driving slowly until they reached the grocery store. Jude jumped out to go get candy, while Connor went through the drive-thru next door. He ordered burgers and fries and coffees, because it was their typical driving meal. He drove back up to the grocery store, and lingered outside the front doors until Jude emerged, shopping bag in hand.

"I got a little carried away with the snacks," Jude admitted. "Halloween candy is still on sale."

"Perfect!"

Connor waited until Jude had placed the bag on the floor and buckled his seatbelt before handing Jude his coffee. Jude's good hand curled around it gratefully.

"I always wanted coffee on our drives, because Moms still didn't want me drinking it."

"And now look at you, you little caffeine addict."

"Shut up," Jude murmured around the rim of his coffee cup, already pushed to his lips.

Connor grinned and started the car up again. He drove toward the exit of the parking lot and asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere," Jude replied. "You decided on the drive. Just take me somewhere."

Connor knew where they should go. He took off down the road and Jude plugged his iPod into the car. He put on the trashy pop songs that they had listened to as teenagers. It was the type of song that Mikey would roll his eyes at and plug his ears to when he heard it, although he had a strange affinity for Halsey and had memorized all of her songs. Jude unwrapped their burgers as they drove, and they sang along to the music with their mouths full. They could have been sixteen again, with their whole lives stretched out before them like a roadmap full of streets and destinations that they couldn't yet see.

Connor glanced over at Jude, who had a fry hanging out of the corner of his mouth like a cigarette. He reached over at snatched it from Jude's lips.

"Hey! That was mine!" Jude exclaimed, and then his indignation dissolved into laughter as Connor popped the fry in his mouth. "You're so gross!"

"It's just a fry!"

"It had my spit on it!"

"I've had worse things than your spit in my mouth," Connor snorted.

"I –" Jude stuttered. "You're impossible!"

"How bad can I be if you like me?"

"Pretty bad." Jude reached across the console to muss Connor's hair. "And I know that tone. You're trying to flirt with me."

"Is it working?"

"Not yet."

"Is that mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."

Jude reached into his pocket. "It's a cell phone, actually. Wait. Hold on. Andrew's calling me."

Connor turned the music down as Jude answered the phone. What possible reason could Andrew have for calling? Mikey had never had a problem at a sleepover before. In fact, he loved staying over at other people's houses.

"Hello? Oh, hey Mikey. I'm with Dad. Let me put you on speaker."

Jude hit a button on his phone and then Connor heard his son's voice.

"Hey, Dad!"

"Hey," Connor replied. Mikey didn't sound upset. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

"Are you having fun with Chris and JP?" Jude asked.

"Yup! We made cupcakes. I drew eyes on mine."

"That sounds fun," Connor said. He paused for a moment, but when Mikey stayed silent, he asked, "Are you okay? Are you calling to come home?"

"Nope! I just wanted to make sure that Father was okay."

"I'm good, Mikey. I'm glad you're having fun."

"Are you having fun?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I'm having fun."

"What about you, Dad?"

"I'm having a lot of fun! Father and I just got dinner."

"We had pancakes for supper!"

"That sounds good," Jude said.

"We're going to watch a movie now."

"What are you watching?"

"I dunno. Chris is picking."

"Have fun with your movie," Jude said.

"I love you, Dad and Father."

"I love you too," Jude and Connor said together.

Jude hung up the phone.

"That was weird," Connor said.

"He's just worried about me," Jude whispered in realization. "He's going to see right through the bandage, like you did. He's going to know. He's _smart,_ Connor. And he's going to hate me."

"He's not going to hate you," Connor said, trying to pay attention to Jude and the road at the same time. They were almost to their destination. "He just doesn't understand completely, and it's hard for him to do that at six. It's hard for me to do at thirty-seven."

"It's just hard to know that I'm going to disappoint him," Jude said, "if I haven't already."

Connor pulled off to a deserted road, and turned off the car, though he left the key turned so that the music stayed on. He took off his seatbelt to face Jude, and he reached out and took both of Jude's hands in his own, gingerly handling the injured one.

"You aren't disappointing anyone. You're doing your best. It's hard for him; it's hard for all of us. That's okay." Connor kissed Jude's hands. "We probably shouldn't tell him that it was on purpose, since it'll just make him worry more than he should."

"I'm not going to do it again."

"I believe you," Connor said, although he didn't know if he was telling the truth. Jude surprised him; sometimes in the best way, sometimes in the worst way.

Jude gave him a half-smile, and then he looked around, judging their dark surroundings. "We're where I think we are, aren't we?"

"Yeah. I figured literally being on memory lane couldn't hurt."

Jude laughed. "I thought this was a fresh start."

"It is. But we're only going to hurt ourselves if we forget the past."

"You've gotten a little bit smart, Connor Stevens," Jude teased, twining his fingers with Connor's.

Connor couldn't continue joking along though. He froze, his mind caught on one thing. "Adams-Foster-Stevens."

"What?"

" _Our_ last name is Adams-Foster-Stevens."

Jude leant back, although he didn't let go of Connor. "I know."

"We're not divorced yet."

"I don't want to be divorced at all."

"Neither do I." Connor sighed. "But you … you just called me 'Stevens'. And that feels like you're trying to cut me out."

"I just wasn't thinking. I was thinking of all the time we spent parked here when we were sixteen up until we were twenty-three. You were only Connor Stevens then. My brain just got crossed, that's all." Jude knocked Connor's hands together. "Okay, Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens?"

"Well, if you say it has to be true," Connor commented sarcastically.

"If I feed you sour belts, will you forgive me?"

"I might."

"Come on, then," Jude said.

He was still nimble and slim enough to slide between the two front seats and into the back. Connor, however, was not like his husband. He had to get out of the car and then get back in. Jude was tucked up against the window, so Connor slid into the middle seat. Jude folded his long legs across Connor's lap and then he pressed a sour belt to Connor's lips. Connor took the candy from Jude's fingers; the flavours of his teenage years bursting across his tongue. This was how similar to how it would have been, twenty years ago, when they had first discovered this spot. They had been driving in the old, slightly beat-up car that Adam had helped Connor buy when Connor had first gotten his licence. Jude had spotted the road because he'd needed to pee and didn't want to do so directly right off the main road. They had driven up the length of the road: it was a dead end road with no houses along it. Jude had done his business and then slid into the backseat.

(-.-)

 _Connor twisted around. "What the hell are you doing back there?"_

 _"What do you think?"_

 _"If you think I'm playing chauffeur for you –"_

 _"I'm trying to get you to play boyfriend in the backseat making out with his boyfriend."_

 _Connor didn't really remember turning the car off or climbing into the backseat. The next thing he knew, he was on top of Jude in the backseat. Jude's long legs were folded down toward the floor and his warm fingers were sliding under Connor's shirt. It took some maneuvering on Connor's part to get his shirt off, and then he went right back to kissing Jude. He worked Jude's shirt upward, and Jude laughed._

 _"I'm not going to be able to get this all the way off," Jude laughed. "The door's in my way."_

 _"That's okay," Connor mumbled against Jude's lips. "I can touch you like this."_

 _Because Connor just loved the feel of Jude's bare skin underneath of his fingers. He liked feeling Jude breathe and feeling the bump of his ribs. He liked moving his hands lower to tease Jude by tracing the outline of his jeans. Underneath of him, he felt Jude's hips jerk and it filled him with a strange sort of excitement. While plenty of their classmates had already lost their virginities, Jude and Connor hadn't yet. It wasn't for lack of wanting one another or from fear of sex, but Connor wanted it to be perfect. He didn't want to rush through it for the fifteen minutes of privacy that they could sometimes grab at Adam's house. They had, however, done other things. They weren't strangers to one another's bodies._

 _"_ Connor _," Jude whispered, and then Connor felt Jude's hands teasing at the front of his jeans. "Sit back."_

 _Connor moved to the opposite side of the backseat and Jude rose to his knees on the seat. He kissed Connor one more time before they went even further._

(-.-)

"Vacation in Scotland or Spain?"

"Spain," Connor answered quickly. "Feet or hands?"

"Hands," Jude replied. He was leaning against the window, with Connor half asleep on top of him. His good hand was raking through Connor's hair, while his bad hand was being held to Connor's chest. "Is your left side or your right side your good side?"

"I don't have a bad side."

"I knew you were going to say that."

Connor chuckled. "Sure you did."

"I did! I know you!"

Connor snuggled closer to Jude. "I'm glad you do. But if I had to pick one, I guess it would be my right to be my bad." Then he yawned.

"Do we need to go home and go to bed?"

"I'm tired. I had a meeting."

"So you've complained," Jude said dryly.

"Sorry. I just forgot how draining the office is. It's not that I don't like my co-workers, I just hate being so social. Being home with you all day has spoilt me."

"Can't have you getting spoilt."

"I should have started working from home when I was first given the option." Connor yawned again.

The hand that was running through Connor's hair paused. "What?"

"My boss just mentioned it around last Christmas," Connor admitted. "I didn't want to take it then, because it was Christmas, and Christmas bonus time. And things weren't good. Well, they were decent around Christmas, because we really tried for Mikey then. And then I moved out in February, so there was really no point in taking advantage of the offer until now."

The hand that had been stroking his hair resumed. " _Family Guy_ or _Futurama_?"

Connor groaned. "I had almost forgotten that either of those shows existed."

"Just answer the question."

Jude's leg nudged against Connor's side.

"Ugh. Fine. _Futurama_. Stewie always creeped me out. Do you want to drive home or do you want me to drive home?"

"I'd like to."

Connor went to sit up but then Jude's hand stayed him. "Wait."

"What?"

"Until this song is over."

The faintly playing music became clear to Connor's ears and he settled back against Jude's side, smiling. It was their first dance song. Jude began to sing along.

 _"Take me back to the beginning,_

" _When love was patient, love was kind,_

" _Back to the place we first started,_

" _When we weren't so proud to change our minds."_

Connor sang the next verse.

" _And take me back when love was unselfish,_

" _When touch was passionate and sweet,_

" _When we weren't just getting what we wanted,_

" _But we gave ourselves so willingly."_

Together they sang, _"And I love you. I promise I always will. I love you. I promise I always will."_

During the next verse, Connor said, "I think we were a little prophetic."

"Is it true though? Are we really going to work this out?" There was fear in Jude's voice, and Connor didn't know if he could make that go away with anything other than the future working out for them.

What Connor could do, was sing the next line to Jude, " _And I choose you. Forever I choose you still."_

Jude's grip on Connor tightened. "There was never another choice for me."

"There was never another choice for me either."

When the song was over, Jude slipped into the driver's seat while Connor went around the passenger's side. There was a moment of Jude doing nothing but grumbling about how short Connor was in comparison to himself and sliding the driver's seat backward.

"It's not my fault you're Bigfoot," Connor snorted.

"Not my fault you're an elf."

"Mikey's an elf."

Jude laughed. "Mikey _is_ an elf."

Connor rolled the window down. "Do you mind?"

"Not if you don't mind that we take the long way home."

"I'd like that," Connor said, and Jude started driving.

Connor knew that they were going home together. He knew that they would walk through the same front door and climb into bed together. Connor knew that he and Jude were going to fall asleep next to one another, probably cuddled up. At least touching. Jude liked to be held before going to sleep. But, still, there was a part of Connor that wanted to delay going back to the house, because they had left it with the purpose of going on a date. And it had felt like a date. Their conversation, as it had bounced between real life and light, joking topics, had felt different than it did when they talked about vaguely the same things at home. Connor didn't want to go home, because he was scared the feeling would go away.

He leant forward, letting the wind from the open window rush across his face. He should have done this before the separation. They should have gone on dates; spent time together as people rather than parents. Connor smiled as their home came into view. He felt good; he felt hopeful. He could only pray that Jude felt the same way. As the car parked and Connor looked over his shoulder to his husband, he thought that Jude felt the same way.

They left the car and walked up to the front door. Halfway there, Jude reached out with his good hand to take Connor's. Connor felt like a fool thrown into new love.

"So," Connor said, as he opened the front door. "Was it a good date?"

"I liked it," Jude said. He pulled Connor to a stop as Connor went to continue on into the house. "So."

"So?"

Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "Can I have a second date?"

Connor brought his hands up to rest on Jude's waist. "I'd love a second date … But this one was your idea, so you have to plan it."

Jude laughed. "That's fair. Is this one over yet?"

"Not if you don't want it be."

"Then dance with me."

"Need me to sing for you too?" Connor teased.

"Preferably."

Connor wasn't much of a singer, though, so he hummed as he wrapped his arms around Jude, and Jude did the same to him. Connor rested his head against Jude's upper chest, and then he felt Jude's head rest against the top of his own. Connor closed his eyes, knowing that the worst they could do in the front entryway was bump into a wall. He loved dancing with Jude. They always played music while cooking in the kitchen, and they would often dance around, hitting their hips against the counters or holding Mikey up between the two of them. Connor tucked his head down a little bit lower so that he could hear Jude's heartbeat.

Connor squeezed Jude tighter as he thought about the fact that he had almost gone the rest of his life without hearing this heartbeat. Jude had almost ended his life. With his eyes closed, and Jude so close, an image of something Connor had managed to avoid thinking of flashed across his mind: Jude's funeral. He had managed to avoid picturing it by keeping his focus on the fact that Jude was alive and Connor needed to focus on keeping him that way. But, that broke. The façade that he was totally fine crumbled in an instant. Jude was alive; Jude was fine. Connor was crying.

It only took Jude an instant to notice. Connor felt Jude still and then inch away from him a little so that he could look at Connor. Connor felt Jude's hands come up to cup his face; the softness of Jude's bandage against his cheek made Connor cry even harder. It wasn't over. Jude was still in pain. Connor needed to rein himself in and get himself together, but it wasn't happening. A dam that he hadn't even admitted that he had inside of him shattered in seconds.

"Connor? What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I've just been really scared," Connor admitted, trying to hold back his tears. "And I didn't realize how scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of losing you. Scared of you not getting better. I never thought about having to bury you before, and I don't _want_ to. I don't want to lose you."

"I'm not going to be buried. I'm not going to die. I don't want to die. I'm still sorting it out, I know, but I'm going to stay here." Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "I want to stay here with you. I'm sorry this has been hard for you. I shouldn't put so much on your shoulders."

"I want you to confide in me, I do," Connor said quickly, too afraid that Jude would try to cut him out. He reached up to grab onto Jude's biceps.

"You need to confide in me back," Jude whispered.

"It just hit me and I'm scared for you."

"I'm going to be okay."

"I want to see it."

"Then stick around." Jude kissed his forehead.

"Okay."

"At least for the second date."

Jude's voice was light and teasing and Connor found himself laughing through his emotions. He reached up and put his hands over Jude's.

"You're something else, Jude, you know that?"

"You like it."

Connor did. Connor beyond liked it.

Jude continued, "Let's go to bed. It's late."

Connor allowed himself to be led upstairs. They got ready for bed in separate bathrooms – Jude in the master bathroom and Connor in the bathroom that was usually only used by Mikey. Jude was already curled up on his side of the bed, checking his phone notifications, when Connor came in and flopped beside him.

"Anything interesting going on?" Connor asked.

Jude put his phone down. "Just you."

"Did you change your hand bandage?"

"No. I can't do it one handed."

Connor sat up. "Where's the stuff?"

"I left it on my bathroom counter. I'll grab it."

"No, no, I can get it!"

But Connor was already on his feet, walking into the bathroom. He had only been in the master bathroom once or twice since the end of September; it was a lot easier to share a bathroom with a six-year-old than with his estranged husband. He spotted the antiseptic cream and bandages sitting next to the sink immediately, but Jude's protests made Connor take pause and critique the room. Nothing seemed suspicious. The shampoos and the body wash was lined up on the edge of the tub; the dark blue shower curtain was pulled over to the side and the inside of the tub was clean. Jude's regular products, like his razors and shaving cream were lined up under the mirror like they always had been. Connor was tempted to open drawers and look under the sink, so he did. He saw nothing out of the ordinary: spare towels and facecloths; bathroom cleaning products. Then there, in the top drawer that used to belong almost exclusively to Connor, there was a tiny little black box. It was the type of tiny cardboard box that a pair of cheap earrings might come in. Connor picked it up and shook it, hearing a strange rattling noise come from inside.

"Connor, _don't_."

Connor didn't turn around to face Jude, but he sensed him standing in the doorway. Connor just shook the box again. He couldn't imagine what could be in it, particularly if Jude didn't want him to see it. It was too small to be something from another man – though Connor wholeheartedly believed Jude when he said that there hadn't been another person in his life.

"Connor, _please_."

"Then tell me what it is."

Jude took in a deep breath. "You don't want to know."

"I think I need to know. Jude, I'm not trying to pry or force you into anything. I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"I'm safe," Jude assured him, though he sounded desperate. "Just throw it away."

"What is it?"

" _Connor_."

Connor opened the box. Inside, there was nearly a dozen individual razor blades. Connor felt everything inside of him plummet: his organs, his emotions, everything. On some of the blades, there was a dark substance that could only be dried blood, and Connor felt like he was going throw up. He turned around and Jude took a step away from him.

"Connor?"

"I'll be right back."

He knew that Jude had a fully intact razor sitting in his bathroom. He knew that he, himself, had a fully intact razor sitting in the guest bathroom. He knew that Jude was a fully grown man and could go out and purchase himself a razor. As Connor walked down the stairs, Connor realized that their kitchen was full of knives. In fact, their entire house was filled with things that Jude could figure out how to hurt himself with. If Jude was to be believed, he hadn't cut himself since before his suicide attempt. None of this stopped Connor from carrying that little black box completely out of the house and down the driveway to go into the garbage box.

When Connor returned to the bedroom, Jude was sitting in the middle of the bed. His legs were crossed underneath of him and he looked pale. He looked up as Connor walked back in, but he didn't say anything. Connor didn't know what to say, either, so he just went back into the bathroom. He washed his hands thoroughly and then picked up the antiseptic cream and the bandages. He sat across from Jude and rewrapped his hand in silence. The sight of Jude's burnt hand made Connor sick and angry all over again.

"Are you mad?"

"Yes."

"They're old –"

"Not right now, Jude."

Jude quickly shut his mouth.

When Connor finished wrapping Jude's hand, he went over to the futon.

"Why are you –"

"Just go to sleep," Connor said wearily. "You said it yourself; it's late."

"Oh."

Connor laid down and pulled the cold comforter over his head. He listened for Jude's movements, but may long minutes passed before Jude finally turned out the light and went to bed himself. The darkness kicked off many long, restless hours for Connor. He tossed and turned, the comforter coiling around his legs. Finally, he sat up. He'd go to Jude's side, just to make sure that Jude was peaceful in sleep. But as soon as Connor stood, Jude turned his bedside lamp on.

"Connor?" he asked anxiously. "What are you doing?"

"Checking on you. I thought you would be sleeping."

"I'm not."

"Can I sit?"

Jude gestured to the end of the bed.

"I'm sorry," Connor whispered. "I shouldn't have acted that way."

"It's understandable," Jude said. "What else could you do? I didn't tell you the truth. I shouldn't have hurt myself. It's okay."

Connor didn't think it was fair that Jude was comforting him. "Are you okay? I didn't upset you, did I?"

"Not everything has to be about me. You're upset."

"Can I sleep with you?"

Jude nodded. "But, I need you to believe that I haven't used them."

Tiredly, Connor said, "The past … happened. I just need you to be totally honest from here on out."

"No, I _need_ you to know I didn't lie about that." Jude reached around himself and pulled his shirt off.

Connor knew exactly where to direct his gaze. He didn't pause to take in the smooth outline of Jude's chest or the slight pouch of his stomach. He looked directly at Jude's left ribs, and the area around them was a mess. They were all healed scars, although many of them had been deep, and were still raised. The scars overlapped one another. They were so plentiful that it made Connor sick. How much pain had Jude been in to do this to himself?

Connor hadn't realized he was reaching out to touch Jude's side until his hand entered his field of vision. Immediately, he dropped his hand back to the mattress.

"I don't mind," Jude said. He picked Connor's hand up and placed it against his side. "They don't hurt anymore."

"I'm so sorry you did this."

"You're always saying sorry. But … you didn't make the decisions. I did."

Connor ran his hand over Jude's small mat of scars. It was awful. His stomach clenched and he felt like he was going to throw up. _Jude, oh Jude._ "I never wanted you to hurt."

"Everyone hurts. Not everyone does what I do. I'm responsible for me. I know that."

Connor let his hand fall away from Jude, although he missed the warmth of Jude's skin immediately.

"Let's go to sleep."

Connor crawled over to his side of the bed while Jude pulled his t-shirt back on and turned out the light. They settled under the covers together, turning on their sides to face the other. Connor slid his hand under Jude's shirt again, touching the scars. He felt Jude's chest expand with a deep breath. Then, Jude's bandaged hand slipped under Connor's shirt to rest at his waist.

"What are you doing?"

"If you're allowed to touch me, then I'm allowed to touch you," Jude replied. He moved a little closer to Connor and kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, Connor."

Connor tilted his head and kissed Jude on his jaw. "Goodnight, Jude."

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Please Forgive Me**_ **by Bryan Adams;** _ **Cry With You**_ **by Hunter Hayes; and** _ **Your Love Is A Song**_ **by Switchfoot.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	13. I'm Brave But I'm Chickenshit

Late Wednesday morning, Connor was answering e-mails when Jude trotted into the home office and leant along the back of Connor's chair. Connor let his hands fall away from the keyboard and he reclined his head against Jude's shoulder. He smelled of shampoo and soap.

Jude nuzzled his head against the crook of Connor's neck and Connor smiled. He loved it when Jude was in a good mood; he loved Jude being happy.

"What are you doing tomorrow around …" Jude pretended to muse, "Eleven-thirty?"

"Usually I'd say sitting in here doing work, but I feel like that's not the right answer right now."

"But you don't have a meeting or anything?" Jude clarified.

"Nope. My next one isn't until next … Thursday, I think. Why?"

"Date number two?" Jude immediately sounded nervous.

"I'd really love that. What are we doing?"

Jude tapped his hands along Connor's chest. "It's a surprise. I hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head. "Okay, go back to work."

"What are you going to do?"

"I feel like cooking something. I'm going to make something good for lunch."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

Connor squeezed Jude's hand and then Jude uncoiled himself from Connor's shoulder. Connor watched Jude walk out of the room, because he couldn't allow himself to miss that sight. Even when Jude was gone, Connor couldn't go right back to work. Instead, he ducked his head and grinned, because he had a date on Friday, and things had gone so well the past couple of days, since their first one.

Waking up Saturday morning had been difficult. Connor had looked at Jude's scars in the sunlight, rather than the darkness, and then moved on to bandaging his hand again. Connor didn't know what he would do if Jude hurt himself again; despite everything that they were working through now, Connor still didn't know what to do with that situation. He didn't think Jude would, but he didn't think Jude had in the first place. If it came up again, they would have to handle it then. Jude had been determined and optimistic, and that had helped, but that attitude crumbled when they picked Mikey up from Chris's and JP's house. The first thing the little boy had asked about was the bandage on his father's hand. They had turned the story into a lesson about being careful around the stove and, despite Jude's fears, Mikey had accepted this story and didn't seem suspicious that Jude had done it on purpose.

Their routine had continued as normal after that, with Jude being in a good mood. There had been times that Connor had suspected that Jude was determined to make himself be in a good mood, and then there had been other times when it seemed natural and genuine, like Jude had been before the depression.

Things were looking up.

Things were going to keep looking up, Connor knew it.

(-.-)

"I like when you drive," Connor said, reclining his head against the passenger seat of Jude's car.

"Well, I like when you drive."

"Ugh. How much longer until Mikey gets his licence?"

"Ten years. But we both know you're going to have a heart attack the first time he gets behind the wheel."

"Oh, at least _one_ ," Connor agreed. He looked out the window. "Where are we going?"

"A place."

Connor had no idea. It was clearly a new place, since the area they were driving in was becoming less and less familiar with him. "Are we getting there soon?"

"Yeah. We have reservations for eleven-thirty."

"Good, you've been starving me."

"You had a muffin for breakfast!" Jude said, pulling into a parking lot.

"At, like, seven-thirty. I'm a growing boy."

The car parked, Jude was able to reach over and pinch at Connor's layer of body fat. "Definitely growing."

"Don't pinch my fat."

"Middle age is coming for you."

"I'm not that old!"

"Mhmm," Jude murmured. "Okay, old man, let's feed you."

Connor rolled his eyes good-naturedly and then jumped from the car, because he was really _that_ hungry. He waited for Jude by the trunk, and took his hand as soon as he was close. The restaurant that Jude walked them into was a sophisticated, sit-down place. A well-dressed host checked their reservation, and then led them to a table. As he sat them and introduced the specials to them, Connor had a strange feeling that the host was looking at him. He watched the man's face – he was a younger man, perhaps by five or six years. The host met his eyes with an intense gaze, something that if Connor saw it on Jude's face during their good years, he would have called it lustful. The host then dropped his gaze to Connor's hands, and Connor made it more than obvious that he was wearing a wedding band. The host immediately looked to Jude's hands, and he looked annoyed that Jude's left hand was bandaged. Connor wondered what expression the host would have worn if Jude hadn't hurt his hand, because Jude wouldn't have had a wedding band on anyway. Jude's empty ring finger had hurt Connor immensely when Jude had first taken it off and that feeling hadn't faded at all in the last few months. It was something that Connor wasn't ready to talk about yet, because he knew that if he brought it up now, it would just turn into a fight. It was on his mind though, and he was carefully waiting for when he would be able to bring it up … and hopefully Jude would put it back on.

"Your waitress will be along momentarily," the host advised them, before returning to the door.

"This place looks nice," Connor commented.

"I picked it because of the brunch menu," Jude revealed.

Connor flipped to that part of the menu. "You know me too well."

"Not enough to know what you would order," Jude said.

"I think you could take a guess." Connor nudged Jude's shoe with his own, and he felt Jude respond.

"Well, I know how you feel about French toast."

"And since you're getting the pulled pork breakfast sandwich with hash browns, you're going to share the hash browns with me, right?"

"Someone's got high expectations," Jude said sarcastically.

"I'll share my bacon."

"There's an offer I can't refuse."

They ordered for one another, switching plates around after the waitress dropped them off. They toasted to happiness and to Mikey with their coffee mugs. They talked about nothing significant at all, necessarily. They shared did-you-know tidbits and talked about Connor's work. Halfway through, Connor slipped one foot out of his shoe to tease Jude's ankle, and was met with Jude's sock foot in return. The most significant conversation came near the end of the meal, when Jude and Connor were both poking at the small collection of hash browns that Jude still had lingering on his plate.

"I've been thinking about school. I looked into law school. My old top choice," Jude clarified. "To see if it was something that I could still do."

"And?" Connor said eagerly.

"It's still something that I can do." The smile on Jude's face was triumphant. "It would make more sense to apply for next year's winter session, rather than try to start in January. But I was kind of thinking that maybe it would be interesting to take a class or two at community college in the new year. Just for something extra to do."

"If that's something you want, then you know I'll support you one hundred percent."

"You will, won't you?" Jude whispered.

"Of course."

Jude smiled, but then he looked down, the expression becoming one of sadness. "It feels really good to have that. After so long of feeling like I didn't have that."

"We've got each other's backs now, don't we?"

Jude met Connor's eyes and smiled. "Yeah, we do."

"Ready to pay and head home?"

Jude nodded, and called the waiter over. They drove home, singing along to the radio. Connor wished that he could hold Jude's hand while they drove, but he couldn't. With his left hand bandaged, Jude needed both hands to control the vehicle. Still, Connor spent most of the drive sneaking glances at Jude. Several times, he was sure that Jude was looking back, with the strangest sort of expression on his face. Connor was sure that the expression was a content one – maybe it was even happy. By the time Jude pulled into their driveway, Connor was sure that his husband was happy.

Getting out of the car, Connor paused for Jude to circle around the side of the car and take his hand. When they got to the front porch, Connor realized that something was off about Jude. He was fidgeting almost nervously.

"Is everything okay?" Connor asked.

Jude bit his bottom lip. "I was thinking."

"About more than just school?" Connor raised his eyebrows. "You've been having a productive couple of days."

Jude cracked a smile. "About something a little more serious."

"Oh." Connor's gaze slid from Jude's neck to the spot on his ribs that Connor now knew were covered in scars. "What's more serious than that?"

"Front porches." Jude's breath hitched.

"Front porches?" Connor repeated, confusion taking over. "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"Not exactly." Jude inched a little closer. "I was thinking that a lot of first kisses take place on front porches."

 _First kiss._ It had been twenty-three years since their official first kiss, when they were young and scared and didn't know what they were doing. Now, they were older and scared and barely knew what they were doing. It wouldn't be their first kiss, but it would be their first kiss this year. The last time that Connor had kissed Jude had been at Stef's and Lena's, last Christmas. They had gotten caught under the mistletoe, and it was Christmas, and they were still trying to pretend. They had kissed there, in front of Jude's family, both desperately trying to pretend that the other hadn't tasted of bitterness.

Whispering, Jude asked, "Can I kiss you, Connor?"

"Yes." Connor wanted nothing more.

This time, when Jude stepped forward, Connor's hands were ready and rested on his waist. He felt his breath hitch and his stomach drop as Jude tilted toward him, and he closed his eyes. He felt one of Jude's hands gently rest against his chest while the other went to the back of his neck, pulling him closer inch by agonizing inch. For one breathless moment of anticipation, Connor wondered if Jude was going to pull away from him then. But then he felt Jude grasp the front of his shirt, and then he was kissing Jude.

It wasn't nearly as fearful as their first kiss, but it was nearly as hesitant. They kissed slowly, softly, as if they were scared of letting the other know what they were feeling inside. They didn't want to push too far too fast. This mattered in a desperate way that it hadn't mattered before, because if they fell apart again, neither of them could take it. Connor's heart lurched and skipped beats; it picked up speed wildly as he gently guided Jude closer.

 _Kiss me_ , Connor wanted to beg aloud, _kiss me._

Jude was close and warm and attractive and Connor just wanted more from him. He knew he couldn't push or demand but Jude was quick to react to his body language. Jude was quick to lean into him. Jude pressed his hand tightly to the back of Connor's head, deepening the kiss. Connor felt himself rising upward to meet Jude, gripping onto him like Jude was salvation. He didn't need to breathe; he didn't need to think. He just needed Jude.

It was hard to settle back onto his flat feet and take a breath. His chest heaved, and it brought him a strange sense of pleasure to see that Jude was doing the same. Connor brought his hands up to rest against Jude's chest. All that he could think to say was, "That was one hell of a first kiss."

Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Does that mean I've earnt a second one?"

"As many as you want," Connor assured him, winding his hands around Jude's back to hug him. In his head, Connor wondered if he once again had endless kisses left to exchange with Jude, just as he had thought on his wedding day.

"Kay," Jude said, shyly. He kissed the side of Connor's mouth, almost on his lips again, but not quite.

"Kay," Connor echoed.

He stepped back as Jude unlocked the front door. As they walked inside and took off their shoes, there was something else that Connor needed to bring up.

"I know we're taking this slow and still figuring it out," he said, "but, what about Mikey?"

"What about Mikey?" Jude's tone and expression flared with concern.

"At what point do we tell him? At what point do we talk to him about any of this?"

"Not until we're sure. Things are good, but things are always good at the beginning." Jude closed his eyes, leaning against the wall of the front entryway. "I want to be sure about you, but, I can't be yet, and I'm sorry."

Connor reached for him. "Don't be sorry. We're sorting this out; of course we are. Things weren't easy for us right before I moved out and we still have to be careful to not repeat our mistakes. I don't want to hurt you and I want to do what I can to make this work. To be with you."

Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "I want to be with you."

"We're on the same page. We want the same things. We just need to keep talking to stay like that. I just want to talk about Mikey. At what point do we talk about us being an 'us' again?"

"I don't want to confuse him. Telling him that you were moving out and we were getting divorced was confusing enough for all of us."

"Me saying that we were getting divorced was confusing enough," Connor said.

"I hated saying it."

"Me too," Connor agreed. "The problem is that … I'm here. If this works the way that we both want this to work, we're not going to have that moment of sitting down in front of him and telling him I'm moving back in, because that conversation already happened, for very different circumstances."

Connor rubbed his thumb across the back of Jude's neck and Jude tensed.

"If you could have the choice," Jude whispered in his ear, "Would you rather the way things turned out or would you rather I never have tried and we got divorced for sure?"

"Never tried," Connor answered without hesitation. "I would rather anything beyond you being in pain."

"You love me," Jude whispered.

"I do. I really do. And I like you. And I want to be your best friend again, not just that guy you married a decade ago."

"Eleven years."

"Same thing."

"I already consider you my best friend again," Jude confessed. "You're here and I can confide in you and I just like spending time in the same room as you."

"I'm glad."

"And … about Mikey … We're working on it. And it's not fair to involve him in the behind the scenes work when he's only six."

"That's my fear. I don't want to get him involved in things that are bigger than he is."

"I think we'll just … _know_." Jude laughed, a little bitterly. "That sounds stupid, doesn't it?"

"Not … entirely."

Jude's laugh was more genuine this time. "We still have to decide. But we know now isn't the time. So I think if and when we hit the point where it is time, we'll know. We won't be wondering if this thing is going to work out, we'll be sure. We won't be scared for everything that might go wrong, but excited for everything that might go right."

"I think you might have been a poet in another life."

Jude laughed. "No way."

"A novelist, maybe."

"What would I write about?"

"You could write about me," Connor suggested.

Jude leant back and looked at him. "Yeah. You and Moms and our kid and … That's all I'd be able to write about."

"You underestimate yourself."

Jude laughed. "You overestimate me."

Connor shrugged because he didn't think that Jude was right at all.

"You probably have work to do," Jude mused, petting the hair on the back of Connor's head.

"Yeah … Want to watch a movie?"

Jude grinned. "Really?"

"Yeah. We're going to have to put in twice the effort tomorrow though."

"Worth it."

They headed downstairs to the couch together and picked out a trashy rom-com that would have been ridiculous when they were teens and was doubly so now. Connor tucked himself under Jude's arm, snuggling close to him.

He took a deep breath and smelled nothing but Jude – his deodorant and their laundry detergent and everything he loved about _Jude_. Connor realized that he felt safe here; he felt like Jude would keep him safe. And then Connor said it aloud, because he had missed so many chances to say sweet things, and the more Jude knew of how Connor thought of him exactly, the better.

"You feel safe with me?" Jude repeated.

"Yeah, I do," Connor said. He didn't need to explain to Jude that it wasn't just physical safety. He just felt like he could place all of his trust in Jude; he felt like he could place his heart and soul in Jude's hands. Jude wasn't going to let him down, not again. When Connor fell, Jude was going to freefall with him, and they were going to catch each other.

"I feel safe with you too."

They settled down to watch their movie. They were only a few minutes from the end when Mikey burst through the front door with a bang. Jude and Connor yelled back that they were downstairs. They moved away from one another just before Mikey leapt from the bottom stair into the room. He flung himself on the couch between his fathers. Together, the three of them watched the ending montage. The two main leads kissed as the sunset on their beach wedding and the credits rolled. As the slow pop song began, Mikey lolled his head back and looked at both of his parents separately.

"Do you always have to kiss someone if you love them?"

"Nope," Jude said. "Some people who are in love really like to kiss and some people like to kiss a little bit and some people don't like to kiss at all."

"But they all love each other?"

Connor nodded. "They all love each other."

" _Oh_ , good!" Mikey exclaimed.

"Why is that good?" Connor asked.

"'Cause Ashley said that she loved me today and so that meant she was gonna kiss me at recess tomorrow!"

Jude sat up. "Well, just because someone says they love you doesn't mean that you have to kiss them."

"And just because you love someone doesn't mean that they have to kiss you."

"I don't wanna kiss anybody." Mikey shook his head violently. "I just wanna play racing games with Chris and JP."

"That's a good way to look at it." Connor chuckled.

"You tell Ashley that making someone kiss you is never a good thing to do to someone," Jude said seriously.

"You should never make someone do something they don't want to do unless it's eat their vegetables and brush their teeth," Mikey explained to his father. "Right?"

Jude laughed, while Connor said, "He's like the perfect kid. What did we _do_?"

"I had good parents," Mikey said matter-of-factly. "But, I'm right, Father, right? Teeth and vegetables."

"Teeth and vegetables."

"And bedtime," Mikey added with a growl. "Chris and JP are allowed to stay up until nine!"

"You're allowed to stay up until eight-thirty," Connor said.

"That's not _nine_."

"You can stay up until nine during the summer," Jude said. "When there's no school."

"It's November."

"I know," Jude said.

Mikey sighed, then hopefully added, "Other kids in my class get to stay up until nine."

"And when you have their parents, you can stay up until nine," Connor told him.

"I don't want their parents. I just want a nine o'clock bedtime."

"Maybe next school year," Jude suggested.

"That's forever away!" Mikey complained.

"Best we can do," Connor told him.

"I won't forget," Mikey swore.

"I'll count on that," Connor promised him back.

Mikey kicked the couch cushion. "Hey! Want to see what I did in art today?"

"We'd love to," Jude encouraged.

With an excited smile, Mikey raced away from the couch and back up to the stairs to get his backpack. Connor shook his head as he watched his son scramble away.

"How'd we get so lucky with him?"

Jude didn't answer. Rather, he said, "He makes me happy. How could I ever thought about leaving him behind?"

Connor reached out and rubbed Jude's arm. "It's okay. You're here. You're always going to be here, right?"

"Right," Jude confirmed.

Mikey thundered back down the stairs. "All of us had a stuffed animal put on our desk and we had to draw it. We got to use … um … oil crayons!"

"That's exciting." Connor asked, "What was your stuffed animal?"

"A purple elephant!" Mikey settled between the two of them and presented his large picture. "I messed up on its trunk, though."

Jude put an arm around his shoulders. "I think it looks really good."

"Mmm," Mikey mused. "What do you think, Dad?"

"I think we should put it on the fridge!"

Despite Mikey's claim that the elephant was messed up, he latched onto the idea. He flung himself from the couch once again. In one hand, he held his picture. With the other, he grabbed onto Jude. "Let's go put it on now!"

Jude allowed Mikey to sweep him from the room, but not before grabbing onto Connor so that he was caught up in the excitement too. They stood in the kitchen, surveying their fridge. It was mostly a shrine to Mikey – his photos and drawings from over the years.

"Where should we put it, Mikey?" Connor asked.

"Up top!" Mikey pointed to one clear space on the freezer. "Can you do it, Dad?"

"Sure." Connor took the picture from his son and carefully positioned it at the appointed spot. He secured it with a _B_ magnet. "What do you think?"

"I like it."

"We're going to have to clean the fridge off soon to make room for the new stuff," Jude mused.

"Cleaning is boring," Mikey said.

"You have to clean your room soon," Jude replied.

"Not right now!"

"Saturday," Connor replied. "You can clean it on Saturday."

"Do I _have_ to?" Mikey complained.

"Yes," Jude said.

"I'll clean my room at the same time," Connor offered. "So that you're not the only one cleaning."

Mikey looked at him, considering, and then he said, "Your room at your apartment? You don't have a room here. You've been sleeping in Father's room." His chin tilted upward, like he was issuing a challenge.

" _Mikey_ ," Jude started, but Connor shook his head.

"Do you want me to go back to my apartment?" Connor asked Mikey.

"Well, no," Mikey admitted hesitantly.

"This is your house," Connor said. "I don't want you to be unhappy with me here."

"I'm _not_!" Mikey cried. "But … but … Do you still have your apartment?"

Connor nodded. "I do."

"Are you going to move back to it someday?"

Connor didn't know. He wanted to say no, because he was hoping that he and Jude would work well enough that Connor could just move home. But Jude and Connor could move slowly enough that it might be best for them to live apart again for a while. He wanted to say no, but he couldn't to Mikey, because he and Jude still weren't sure. "Someday."

"When?"

"I don't know."

Mikey looked down at his socks. "I don't like not knowing things."

"It's hard," Connor acknowledged.

"I like you being here. I like seeing you every day again." This time, Mikey's eyes flicked to Jude. In a child's whisper, he told Connor, "I think Father likes seeing you every day too."

Connor sidestepped the issue by focusing on Mikey. "I like seeing you every day. But it doesn't matter how much we see each other, because I'm always going to love you. Whether we just see each other on the weekends again or every day, okay?"

"I want every day."

"Well, maybe when I go back to my apartment, we can see each other a little bit more. We can talk about that when it happens, okay?"

Mikey sighed. "Okay."

Jude stood behind Connor and asked, "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

Mikey shook his head. "No. Can I go play in my room?"

"Of course," Connor and Jude told him.

They waited until they could hear him upstairs before they turned to one another.

"There's something he's not saying," Connor said, and Jude nodded vigorously.

"We can't force him to tell us anything," Jude added quickly. "He tells us a lot as is."

"We'll just keep an eye on him."

"Do you think you being here is hurting him?" Jude whispered. "It's a weird situation, especially from his perspective."

"I mean, he's never seemed mad about it before," Connor reasoned, thinking back over Mikey's behaviour. "I just think it's the length of time I'm here. The longer I'm here the less likely it looks like I'm leaving."

Jude looked away from Connor's face. "It's too early to say you should give the apartment up."

"I know. I wasn't trying to suggest that."

Jude bit down on his lip. "We'll just make sure we're around if he needs to say anything."

Connor nodded. "Should we start dinner before it gets too late?"

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "Let's do that."

There was nothing more they could do.

 **So, it was pointed out to me that I forgot to tell you what the song in the last chapter was, and it's** _ **Promise I Always Will**_ **by Steffany Gretzinger. Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Fly**_ **by Sleeping With Sirens;** _ **Find Me**_ **by Tatiana Manaois; and** _ **I Still Ain't Over You**_ **by Augustana.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	14. I Care But I'm Restless

Connor was awoken by a bright light flooding into the bedroom. Confused, he pulled his arm out from underneath of Jude as they both sat up, blinking. The door to their room was wide open – the light was from the hallway. Mikey stood at the threshold of the bedroom.

"I had a bad dream," he squeaked. "Can I sleep with you?"

"Come here," Jude yawned.

Mikey shut the door behind him in order to keep the monsters out, and then he climbed up on the bed, settling between his parents.

"What happened?" Jude asked.

"There were crocodiles under my bed." Mikey dove beneath the comforter.

"We don't have any crocodiles under our bed," Connor assured him. "You're safe here."

Mikey was cuddled up in Jude's arms more than Connor's. After a moment of security, he looked to his father inquisitively. "Did you have a bad dream too, Father?"

"What?" Jude asked.

"Dad's sleeping with you."

"Yeah," Jude said. "I had a bad dream. We can protect each other, can't we?"

The pillow rustled as Mikey nodded. "And Dad can protect us both."

"I will," Connor promised him. He reached out and ruffled Mikey's hair. "Try and sleep. It's almost time for school."

"Night, Dad. Night, Father."

"Night, Mikey."

The little boy fell back to sleep fairly quickly. He flipped onto his stomach, his limbs flying over both Connor and Jude.

"He's such a violent sleeper," Connor whispered.

"We could carry him back to bed."

"You don't really want to do that."

"No," Jude confirmed. "I don't."

"Night, Jude."

"Night, Connor."

Connor smiled as Jude reached across their son and took his hand. They went to sleep, fingers intertwined.

(-.-)

Jude knocked on the office door and Connor looked up with a smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Jude replied, leaning his head against the office door. "I need to talk to you about something."

Connor closed his laptop. "What is it?"

Jude bit his lip and walked slowly into the room. He didn't go to his usual spot or over to Connor. Rather, he stood by the window. Connor spun around in his chair to face him, a little concerned.

"My birthday is on Monday," Jude said shyly.

"I know. I've got your present already. I don't need reminding."

Jude looked at him. "You never forgot my birthday."

"But there's a reason you're bringing it up."

"Moms are having a birthday cake and stuff for me on Sunday at the family dinner."

"Right." Connor knew that too.

"You can say no, of course, but I was hoping you'd come. I know we'll be here together on my real birthday but when my family celebrates always feels more like my real birthday anyway. Please?" Jude said, and then he held his breath.

Connor hesitated, because he was still avoiding Jude's family. He saw Stef and Lena often, particularly since they had learnt of Jude's suicide attempt, but he hadn't seen anyone else. He was scared to see anyone else. He didn't think that Jude would trash talk him to his family – it wasn't a Jude thing to do. If Jude had vented to anyone, it would have been his parents. But Callie was still as protective as Jude as she had ever been, and Connor knew that she would hate him on principal now.

"Jude, I don't know …"

"They won't say anything to you about us. Moms and I will make sure they won't. They don't need to know anything but that we're trying to be friends –"

" – we're living together again! And ex-husbands don't just show up to each other's birthdays!"

"We're not divorced yet!"

"They'll think we're trying to get back together."

"We _are_."

"I thought that we both didn't want anyone to know!"

"We don't!" Jude agreed. "But, _please_? I don't want a present. I just want you to be there."

How could Connor say no to him? He left his office chair and joined Jude at the window. "Okay. If you want me to go, I'll go."

"I know it'll be weird but I want you there."

"I can deal with weird. I'll deal with more than weird for you," Connor promised him.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'd just –"

"If you want me there, I want to be there. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't show up to your birthday party?"

Jude smiled shyly at him. "Kiss me?"

Connor nodded. So far, they had been shy with their kissing. They had only exchanged one since their last first kiss. Connor was treading carefully. He knew that he had a tendency to push Jude a little bit. He had to be pushy when it came to Jude's mental health – he went through his things and checked his ribs for new cuts before bed; not only that, but Connor was both extremely in love with and extremely attracted to Jude. Connor didn't think that Jude was any less in love or any less attracted to him; Connor simply thought that Jude had better self-restraint than he did. In his head, Connor knew how slowly he and Jude should proceed. But when Jude got close, all of his logic went out the window.

Jude leant close to him. There was barely any moment of anticipation before Connor lightly felt Jude's lips brush his own. Connor would have been content with that – he would have been content with anything that Jude had to offer – but Jude surprised him by grabbing his hips. Connor felt passion flare between them.

" _Really_ kiss me," Jude whispered against his lips.

Connor didn't need to be asked twice. His hands landed on Jude's hips and then he pushed his husband back against the wall. More than anything, though, Connor just wanted to kiss him. He had missed the gesture. He had missed the closeness. Connor didn't let his hands roam any further than they had, although he found that one hand eventually moved to Jude's chest, gripping tightly at his t-shirt. Jude slumped down the wall so that they were more on the same level. Connor could have stayed like that all day, leaning close to Jude's warmth and their lips pressed together. One of Jude's hands was one the back of his head and the other was flat against the small of his back.

Connor let out the smallest of sounds as Jude's teeth grazed his lower lip; Jude knew how much he loved that. Connor went for a full-mouthed kiss, just as the downstairs door banged open.

"Dad? Father?"

"Office!" Jude yelled, pulling himself upright.

Connor didn't want to let go of Jude. "Is it really that late?"

Jude nodded. "He needs to see more of a bubble."

Connor reluctantly let go of Jude and they managed to settle themselves in their respective chairs before Mikey came in.

"How was school?" Jude asked.

"Can I have a sleepover soon?" Mikey asked.

"Sure. Chris and JP?"

Mikey nodded. "I always go to their house. But they want to come to my house."

"We're always happy to have them," Connor said. "Whenever you want."

"What about next weekend?" Mikey asked.

"Sure. Friday or Saturday night?"

Mikey flopped down on the floor, pondering the question. "I like Saturday!"

"Sounds like a plan. When you see them at school on Monday, tell them that their parents should call us, okay?"

"Okay!" Mikey grabbed one of the trucks sitting in the corner and rolled it toward Jude's feet. "What did you do today?"

"I picked out my birthday dinner," Jude told him.

"Your birthday's on Monday," Mikey informed him. "I remember!"

Jude bent down and rolled the truck back to Mikey. "It's nice to remember birthdays."

Mikey nodded. "I don't remember how old you're going to be."

"Thirty-seven," Connor replied. "Father's going to be thirty-seven."

Mikey turned to look at him, and then aimed a truck under the desk. "That's how old you are."

"Right. I already had my birthday this year."

"My birthday comes first!"

"Yep. Perks of being a February baby."

" _Perks_ ," Mikey whispered, echoing Connor. "I like that word!"

"It's a fun word," Jude agreed.

Mikey sent another truck under Connor's desk. This time, it bounced off Connor's feet. "Got you, Dad!"

"You definitely did."

Jude stood up. "Let's go downstairs, Mikey. Dad's got some work that he needs to finish up."

"Okay!" Mikey jumped up. "Are you gonna make supper? Can I help?"

"Sure," Jude agreed. "But we don't need to start supper for a little bit yet."

"But what are we making?"

"Chicken burgers and onion rings," Jude answered.

Their voices faded away and Connor reopened his laptop. He could still feel Jude's mouth burning on his own. Even thinking about it, caused Connor's heart to race. He was lost in love, completely. Connor hid his face in his hands, grinning like an idiot. He and Jude had been on two dates, Mikey didn't know yet, and nothing was official, but he felt it settle into his bones.

He had his family back.

He finished his work up as quickly as he could, although he didn't get downstairs until dinner was finished. Mikey demolished his chicken burger and immediately asked for another one. Jude gave him half a one, which he didn't finish. He filled out his book report chart while Jude and Connor cleaned up from dinner. Afterward, Jude signed it, and then they watched some TV before bed. Mikey went to sleep easily. Jude decided that he wanted to watch TV in bed, instead of going downstairs, so while Connor went to lock up and turn out the lights, Jude got ready for bed.

When Connor walked back into the bedroom, Jude was sitting up against the pillows, directly in the middle of the bed. Connor hesitated by the futon. He'd had a little bit of a feeling that Jude had grown distant over the course of the afternoon and evening, but this proved it. Connor had definitely done something wrong.

"Jude? How's your hand?" Connor sat down on the edge of the bed anyway. They could talk about the distance later. Now, they needed to talk about the most important thing: Jude's overall health.

Jude looked down at the bandage. He picked at the edge of it and sighed. Connor knew that he was very frustrated with how slow the healing process of the burns were.

"The bandage probably needs to be changed by now, right?"

"Yeah. I left the stuff on the counter so you could pretend you were being sneaky while you went through my drawers."

"I wasn't hiding that from you," Connor said, standing up.

"You know that if I were hiding something, it wouldn't be in the places you check?"

"Are you hiding something from me?" Connor asked.

"No," Jude replied immediately. "Do you trust me when I say that?"

"Of course."

Jude looked satisfied with the answer. This time, when Connor collected the bandages and antiseptic cream, he didn't pause to go through the drawers in the bathroom, just to prove the point. It was never that he distrusted Jude at all. It was that he knew Jude's mental state had a reason to lie to him, however, even as it was improving. He bandaged Jude's hand in silence.

"Thanks," Jude said when Connor was done.

"Are you okay?"

"Are you?"

"Don't distract from the question," Connor said.

"I'm not." Jude peeked at him. "That's one of the reasons that I'm not okay."

"Because you think I'm not okay?" Connor clarified. "Jude, I'm great."

"No. Because I don't think that you would tell me otherwise. I worry about that."

"I'll never lie to you –"

"I don't think _that_ ," Jude interrupted. "But … I tell you everything. I can't _not_. But … sometimes I worry that you don't voluntarily tell me things. That you wait for me to ask. I think that you're trying to protect me or keep from upsetting me. I don't feel like we're totally equal and that worries me. I'm not fragile, Connor. I know I'm a little more … needier, maybe, sometimes, than you are, but I'm not weak."

"I don't think you're weak, Jude. I just don't want you to have to worry about me. I know you worry a lot about you and about you and relating to everyone else, so I don't want to add to that. On top of that, I really have nothing else to say, because I … I don't have anything I'm hiding. I'm happy to be here with you and Mikey. I'm happy to be here. This is what I've been wanting."

Jude nodded.

"Is there something else you need to talk about? You seemed a little off this evening. Was it the kiss?"

Jude nodded again, but he stopped being able to look at Connor. "It's not that I didn't want you to kiss me and it's not that I didn't want you to kiss me like you did. I'm scared, though. It's hard to try to be us again because …" He paused to search for words.

"Because of the way we were before?"

"No. I think I've managed to forgive that because you've proven that you aren't the person that you were when you left."

"Then what is it?"

"Sometimes I wonder if it's just about … my attempt. Of keeping me better. And I wonder about what it's going to be like when you don't need to take care of me. If I hadn't tried, you wouldn't be here. We would never have tried to be together again. We would have just gotten a divorce and moved on with our lives. So, what happens when I don't need to be taken care of?"

"Jude, in the entire time that I've loved you, this is the first time that you've ever _needed_ me to take care of you like this. I don't mind taking care of you but the thing that I want the most is for you to be you and independent. I don't need you to need me. I just want you to get to that place where _you_ are truly happy and content, because it does hurt me to see you like this. When you don't need to be taken care of, I'm not going to be stuck in place where I trying to keep you in a place where you need me like this. Does that make sense?"

Jude nodded, although he looked like he was going to cry. "I don't want to be scared of you. I wish we could just snap back into kisses like that and everything that I want to do with you but I can't."

"I know. And neither can I. We want the same things and we both know the same things. Don't be scared."

"You're not scared?"

"Terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose you again."

"I don't think you're going to."

"I think you're right." Connor kissed Jude's knuckles. "I'm going to go get my pyjamas on, okay?"

"Okay," Jude whispered.

Connor got ready for bed as quickly as he possibly could. When he rushed back into the bedroom, Jude was cuddled up on his own side of the bed, leaving Connor's side clear for him. Connor practically dove under the covers; that was how happy he was to be in bed with Jude. Jude picked up Connor's arm and settled himself beneath of it.

"What are we watching tonight?" Connor asked, looking up at the paused screen. " _Mythbusters?_ You're getting desperate, Jude."

Jude shrugged and Connor pressed play. They were only about half a minute in when Jude whispered Connor's name.

"Yeah?" Connor asked, turning his head.

He was met with Jude's lips. Their kiss was sweet and brief, but it was exactly what they needed. Their lips evened out into a smile at nearly the same time and Connor held Jude even closer to his side. Connor was never giving this up; he was right where he was supposed to be.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Call Me**_ **by Shinedown; and** _ **Move Together**_ **by James Bay.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	15. The Other One Is Flicking A Cigarette

As he had many times before, Connor sat in the passenger seat of Jude's car as they parked in Stef's and Lena's driveway. From the looks of it, Mariana and Brandon had already arrived. Mikey raced out of the car as soon as he saw that Brandon was here, because that also meant that his cousin, Marley, was here.

"I talked to Moms. They already told everyone not to say everything," Jude said, once Mikey had slammed his car door.

"Because your family is great at keeping their mouths shut," Connor groused.

"You can go home if you want. I don't want to make you unhappy."

Connor rubbed the back of Jude's hand. "No, you want me here. I'm going to be here."

"Thank you," Jude whispered.

"Now, let's go, before we start to look more suspicious."

"We're going to look suspicious anyway," Jude pointed out, climbing out of the car.

"I said 'more'!" Connor cried, following Jude out of the car.

"I'm just saying."

" _I'm_ just saying!"

Jude rolled his eyes good-naturedly, and Connor held the Adams-Fosters' front door open for him.

"After you, birthday boy." Connor waved him through dramatically.

Jude cracked a smile and walked through the front door, Connor close on his heels. They shed their shoes and their light coats and headed into the main house. They could already hear the wail of baby Carla and, above them, their energetic footsteps and loud shrieks of Mikey and Marley playing tag.

"Jude, happy birthday!"

"Thanks, Mom," Jude replied, hugging Stef tightly.

"How do you feel today?" Stef asked, anxiously. "Mama was worried you might not be up to a big get together like this."

"I've been doing okay with the family dinners," Jude replied.

"Yes, but this time, the focus is on you."

"I feel good today," Jude assured her.

"I'm glad." Stef reached for another hug, but she peeked over Jude's shoulder to Connor.

He knew what she was asking and he nodded. Jude was telling the truth. Stef smiled in a satisfied way and then she stepped away from Jude and waved the two men further into the house.

"Mariana and Carla are in the kitchen with Mama and Brandon, Greg, and I are in the living room. Callie just called and she's on her way over from Alex's house."

"Is Alex coming?" Jude asked.

"No, she's angry at him again."

"They just like to fight," Mariana commented, bursting into view, her baby crying into her t-shirt. "But she's crazy for him."

"Crazy is one word for it," Stef agreed.

"Jesus texted me," Lena replied. "He just finished his workout so he still needs to shower. He says he might be a bit late for dinner."

Stef rolled her eyes. "Like Jesus has ever been late for food."

 _"Connor_ ," Mariana said, "Aren't you going to give me a hug?"

"Of course, of course."

"I've missed seeing you around," Mariana said. "I knew you and Jude would work it out."

" _Mariana_ ," Stef and Lena chastised together.

"Sorry," Mariana replied, although Connor would move out tonight if she was actually genuine. "But, really …" She turned her dark brown eyes on her little brother. "You can tell your family the truth."

Jude didn't even glance at Connor, although Connor was staring at him. "We're trying to be friends, Mariana. Friends go to each other's birthday parties."

"If Greg and I ever got divorced, he'd die before attending another family event."

"We're not divorced," Jude said, while at the same time, Connor told her, "We're still married."

Mariana's eyebrows almost reached her hairline, but she didn't say a word. She glanced knowingly at each of her mothers, whispered something to her daughter, and then announced that she was going to see her husband. Jude and Connor watched her go and then turned to face Stef and Lena.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Lena asked.

"I can get it," Jude said. "I only want water."

"You can have a little something more with dinner, if you want," Lena said. "It's your birthday. I'm sure Connor wouldn't mind driving home."

"It's not a good idea," Jude said. He lowered his voice to add, "I'm not supposed to drink on the antidepressants."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have thought about that."

Jude smiled as she kissed his cheek anxiously. "Actually, it kind of makes me feel better that you forgot."

"I can mix you something non-alcoholic," Connor offered. "You don't need to have water on your birthday."

"That'd be good," Jude agreed.

He sank down on a seat at the island, while Connor stood up from his. He opened the fridge and pulled out Stef's and Lena's assortment of juices and a bottle of Sprite.

"Do either of you want anything?" he offered Stef and Lena.

"I'll definitely have something! Thank you!" Lena replied, checking on the homemade pizza that Jude had requested for his birthday dinner. She and Stef had made a number of pizzas, all different kinds, to feed their growing family, and this was the first of them. It still had about fifteen minutes left to cook.

"I don't think so, thanks," Stef said. "I might go and offer your bartending services to the others if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Connor replied. "I'm always happy to play bartender."

He ended up making virgin cocktails for Jude, Mikey, and Marley, as the kids thought it was a novelty, and vodka cocktails for Lena and Mariana. Things were going well, Connor thought, until Callie burst in the door. She wasn't in a bad mood, per se. She greeted Mikey and Marley with enthusiasm, although she wasn't a baby person and didn't dote on Carla the way that she did her older niece and nephew. She said hello to Brandon and Mariana, hugged her mothers, and cuddled Jude. While she was holding onto her younger brother, she glared flatly at Connor.

Connor looked away from her. He knew that Callie would be the biggest issue, although he could hardly blame her. He was surprised that the rest of the family had accepted his presence happily the way that they had. He knew that Jesus would likely say something about his presence, but he would likely go the same way as his twin – a comment, just so Connor knew that he noticed, but nothing meant to harm.

"I thought Moms were joking when they said you were coming," she said to Connor.

" _Callie_ ," Jude said. "Please don't. It's my birthday."

"I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"I'm not. I'm thirty-seven tomorrow. I can take care of myself."

"Then why are you two living together again if you're not a couple? It makes no sense, Jude."

"Callie, it doesn't have to make sense to you. This is my life and I know what I'm doing. Connor and I aren't a couple but for reasons that only we need to understand, we need to be in the same house right now."

Connor drummed his fingers along the top of the island awkwardly, trying not to look at anyone in particular. He focused on his fingernails. Jude was right in everything he was saying; they weren't a couple and the only people who needed to understand what was going on was him and Jude. He couldn't deny the feeling of hurt inside to hear that Jude didn't consider them a couple. They were going on dates and kissing; they were still married; and Connor was the only one still wearing his wedding band.

"He left you, Jude."

" _I_ kicked _him_ out!" Jude snapped back. "I was there, Callie. I know what happened."

"I'm just trying to look out for you!"

"I'm an _adult_."

"Maybe," Stef interrupted, "We should have this conversation a little more civilly. Callie, Jude knows what's going on –"

"Are you keeping secrets?!" Callie yelled, and Jude winced at the high volume.

"I'm an _adult_!" he repeated.

"Let's go outside," Stef suggested. "Come on, out on the porch."

Connor was immediately on his feet to chase after Jude, but he felt Lena's arm on his elbow. "Why don't you stay with me, Connor? I need some help here."

Connor leant against the counter.

"Jude and Stef can talk Callie down. You might enflame the situation," Lena said softly. "She'll be all right by the time we eat."

"Mom?" Mariana called, reappearing in the kitchen. "What's all the yelling?"

"Don't worry about it. We need to have two private powwows right now, though."

Mariana looked uncertain, but then she glanced at Connor. "Callie shouldn't be so mad. It's just that … she loved you too. None of us thought that it would be you and Jude, Connor. I'm sorry."

"Thanks, Mariana. I'll always consider you family, no matter what."

"The same to you," she said. "I'll leave you two alone now."

When Mariana was gone, Lena leant against the counter next to Connor, so that there was little to no chance of being eavesdropped on.

"I think," she said, "it's time to be honest with me."

"I've never lied to you," Connor replied, confused. "Well … not since we told you what really happened with Jude. But we've kept you completely updated on everything that he's feeling and going through –"

"When it comes to Jude's health, I believe you're always going to tell the truth. You love him too much to not put his best interests first."

Connor closed his eyes against the word 'love'. "Lena, we're separated. We said the word divorce right after that happened and –"

"You can trust me."

"I trust you, Lena."

"Then confide in me," Lena urged him. "I won't tell anyone you told me, not even Stef. But you can't keep this all to yourself, Connor. It's not healthy."

"Not even Stef?" Connor whispered.

"Not even Stef," Lena repeated.

Connor took a shaky breath, and then it all just fell out of him. How agonized he had been during the separation and all that had happened between the two of them since Connor had moved back in. He told her about sleeping in the same bed every night; every kiss; every date. The only thing that Connor withheld from her was Jude's self-harm, as it was not his secret to tell. But everything else was on the table – Connor's fears for Jude and Mikey, and his fears for the future. He finished by saying, "I _need_ to get this right, Lena. I can't lose him. I'm supposed to be with him. I love him and I know he loves me."

"Of course he does and I know you do," Lena said, a small, knowing smile on her face. "It sounds like you and he are both working on it. I'm proud of you for being able to move on from the spot you were at."

"Do you think we can do it?"

"I know you can do it. I know you both want your marriage to work out."

"Sometimes I feel as if I shouldn't ask him things, because it's too much for him. You know, the things that bother me. Like … I know we're moving slowly. That's how I know we need to move. But I want to know if he considers us a couple or if we're still in that weird space where we might not be anything. I want to bring up his wedding ring. I want to talk about the apartment and telling Mikey and the future and … so much that I don't even know about. But _Jude_ has to come before our relationship."

Lena was smiling at him sweetly and she patted his arm. "You are far greater than any man I could have hoped for him to find."

"Thank you."

"You need to think of yourself too. And if you need to make this about Jude –"

"I do."

Lena chuckled. "He's going to feel babied. Just sit down and talk it out, it's what's best for the both of you. He just wants to talk to you, more than anything else. You can take that on maternal authority."

"Thank you, Lena."

"Now, give me a hug." Connor did as she asked, and while she was squeezing him tightly, she squealed, "I'm so happy this is working out between you two. I knew it would. I _knew_ it."

"Where was your faith when I packed my bags?" Connor said sarcastically. "Oh, don't … Don't look at me like that. We've managed to let all of it go."

"I'm glad."

They heard the front door open and Connor spun away from Lena. He became anxious as Jude walked back in. Callie was close on his heels, with Stef herding the both of them. Jude didn't look too upset as he took a seat at the island. Stef looked at Callie like she was an errant child, as Callie hovered like one in the doorway.

"I'm sorry, Connor," she said, "I was rude."

"It's all right, Callie. I understand why you'd think the way that you do."

Something fierce crossed her face, but Callie glanced at Jude and reined it in. "Thank you. I'm, um, going to go sit with Mariana now."

She left the room. Just as she did, the oven timer went off. Stef clapped her hands together. "The first pizza!"

"And no Jesus," Lena added.

" _Family!"_ A deep booming voice rang through the house.

Upstairs, Connor heard the two loud shrieks of children. " _UNCLE JESUS!_ "

"You were saying?" Stef smirked. "Let me take the pizza, Mama."

Stef lifted the hot pan out of the oven and carried it to the table for cutting while Lena slid the next one in. That done, she said that they should all head to the dining room. She led the way, while Jude and Connor followed a few steps back.

"What did you and Mom talk about?" Jude whispered.

"I'll tell you when we get home, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Every word, I promise."

They headed into the dining room, where everyone had crowded in.

"We have a few more pizzas to cook, so don't worry if you're not full after this one!" Lena said. "Now, dig in!"

There was a dig and tear for pizza. Connor made sure that both Jude and Mikey had a slice in their hands, and then he realized that the rest of the pizza had been poached. He shrugged and took a step back, thinking that he'd catch the next one, only to find Jude handing him half of his slice.

"You don't have to."

"It's covered in mushrooms. You know you want it."

"Thanks."

"Besides, it's my birthday and I do what I want to."

"Well, tomorrow is your real birthday."

"And I'll do what I want to then too," Jude said confidently.

"Be nice. I'm withholding your present until tomorrow."

"Wait, _what_?"

Connor grinned. "So be nice."

"I'm always nice."

Connor knew better than to reply to that. The pizzas passed in a quick succession of family discussion. Jesus talked lengthily about his girlfriend, Kimiko, and how much he missed her. She had moved to California from Japan about five years ago. Her father had recently passed away and she had decided to return home for several months to help her mother get the affairs in order and, hopefully, move her mother to California too. He confessed that he was going to propose to her upon her return to America and asked his mothers to help him pick out a ring. This prompted Mikey to ask if Jesus was going to have kids soon, and Jesus grabbed Mikey and hung him upside down.

"Nope!" Jesus said, "Because they won't be as awesome as _you_."

"Are you saying I'm not awesome?" Marley demanded, hands on her hips. She whipped her long braids around threateningly.

Jesus passed Mikey, still upside down, over to Connor, and grabbed Marley, flipping her into the same position. He looked down at her enough to meet her eyes and said, " _You_ are as awesome as your Mom was."

"My mom was _really_ awesome, wasn't she, Dad?"

Brandon smiled, but it was clear that there was still some pain in the expression. Marley's mother had passed away when Marley was four years old from an inoperable brain tumour and it had nearly destroyed Brandon. Alisha had been a co-worker that Brandon had been seeing casually until they found out that she was pregnant. Although Brandon had sworn up and down at the many family dinners preceding Marley's birth that he and Alisha weren't going to be those people that got married because of a baby, and they were perfectly happy working out ways to raise their child while living apart and dating casually, they had gotten married when Marley was eight months old. They had been happy, even after the diagnosis. They had been happy up until the day that Alisha died.

"She was the best, Marl," Brandon said. "You know that."

"I know that!" Marley said. "Flip me, Uncle Jesus!"

Jesus did as she asked and flipped her in a complete circle before letting her land on her feet.

"My turn!" Mikey cried. "My turn!" He scrambled down from Connor's hold and rushed toward his uncle. "Flip me! Flip me!"

"Okay, but keep your legs tucked in. You're a tall kid!"

Marley crept over to Jude and Connor. "Uncle Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Mom's birthday was last Sunday. Your birthdays are really close together!" she informed him.

"Sometimes we celebrated our birthdays together," Jude told her.

"Really?"

"Yep."

Marley climbed up on Jude's knee. "How would you celebrate it?"

"Well, on her real birthday, she and your dad and her parents and you would go out for a big birthday dinner. And then on a day between my birthday and hers, we would find a time when everyone wasn't busy and we'd come over and have lots of food like this. And we'd get an extra big cake so that we could write both of our names on it and so that we could both take lots of leftovers."

"Dad said her favourite kind of cake was chocolate."

"It was," Jude said.

"But she always put vanilla ice-cream on it," Connor told her, leaning toward the little girl like they were conspiring together.

Marley's brown eyes went wide. " _Vanilla_?"

Connor nodded.

"Dad didn't tell me that part!" She hopped off Jude's lap and darted off to see Brandon.

Jude knitted his hands together and looked down.

"Hey, are you okay?" Connor asked, nudging his arm.

"That was almost Mikey. Except Alisha did everything she could to stay with her daughter. I wanted to leave him. "

"Jude …"

"How could I even think of forgiving myself for that?" Jude whispered.

"Because you were in a bad spot. That doesn't excuse it but it's more understandable –"

Connor was cut off by Stef re-entering the room with a large cake in her hands, candles lighting up the edges. "Happy birthday!"

With that exclamation, the rest of the family joined in. _"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Jude, happy birthday to you! And many more!"_

Mikey popped up on Jude's shoulder as the cake was settled in front of him. "Can I help you blow out the candles, Father?"

"Of course." Jude's voice was a little lackluster, but he pulled Mikey to sit on the chair with him. He wrapped his arms around Mikey's waist and together they leant forward over the cake.

"Three, two, one!" Lena counted down, a camera in her hands.

On the signal, Mikey and Jude were able to blow out all of the candles on the cake.

"We did it, Father, look, we did it!"

"I couldn't have done it without your help!" Jude squeezed Mikey tightly.

"I know!" Mikey preened. "Can we eat it now?"

"We can it eat now. Here, Mom, hand me the knife, and I'll start cutting."

"No, it's okay, love, I've got it." Stef adjusted her hand around the knife and cut the cake down the side.

Jude didn't say another word about it, but Connor saw his hand ball into a fist under the dining room table. Connor glanced behind them to make sure that there was no one there and then, moving slowly so he didn't catch Mikey's attention, Connor covered the top of Jude's hand in his own. At first, he felt Jude's first become tenser under his palm and then, slowly, Jude relaxed. Connor rubbed the back of Jude's hand for a second, trying not to press hard as it was his bandaged hand.

"Happy birthday!" Stef said, setting the cake down in front of Jude with a flourish. "Who's next?"

"And who wants ice-cream?" Lena called over the chorus of _"Me next!_ ".

Everyone let out a cry for ice-cream. As they ate, Connor found himself playing with Jude's foot under the table. He saw Jude look at him out of the corner of his eye and then smile secretly into Mikey's hair. Connor couldn't help it. He wanted to touch some part of Jude; he wanted to flirt. Jude was happy to flirt back, skimming the edge of his sock foot across the top of Connor's toes and then brushing his toes against Connor's shins. By the time Mikey decided it was time for Jude to open his presents, Connor couldn't keep the smile off of his face.

"Will you open mine first, Father?"

"Of course I want to open yours first!"

Mikey climbed back up onto Jude's lap, this time with a gift in his hand – one that he had clearly wrapped himself. Jude glanced at Connor, but Connor shrugged. He had asked Mikey what he wanted to get Jude for his birthday, but Mikey had simply patted his dad on his shoulder and assured him that he _'had it under control'._ Jude picked up the gift and weighed it in his hand.

"It's heavy."

"I hope you like it!"

Jude unwrapped the gift slowly, then, "Oh, Mikey, I love it!"

He held it up for the family to see. It was a piece of clay that Mikey had pressed his hands into. Above it, he had printed his name and age. Then, he had painted in the hands. The left hand had been coloured in blue completely. The right hand was painted bright yellow with a smiley face, sticking its tongue out, on the palm.

"I made in art class and then kept it a secret from you!"

"Thank you."

Jude squeezed Mikey again and then he and his son opened the rest of his presents. His family only gave him little knick-knacks for birthdays; it was really being together that mattered to them. He kissed and hugged everyone for their gifts and then, Carla started bawling, so Mariana decided that it was best they go, and the party broke up from there. Jude, Connor, and Mikey were the last ones to leave, taking their time to kiss Stef and Lena goodbye and thank you for hosting.

"Thank you for coming," Lena said. "I always said you should come to more of our family dinners."

"Only because it was Jude's birthday."

"You _are_ welcome here," Stef added.

"Thank you. I'll probably see you soon."

"And happy birthday, Jude."

He hugged his mothers again, as if they hadn't hugged enough today.

Mikey had each of his cheeks kissed and then they were out the door. He raced Connor to the car. Connor let the boy win and Mikey slammed his hand triumphantly over the passenger side's door handle. He continued his victory dance even as Connor loaded him into the car. He only stopped his dancing when Jude mentioned that they'd get home in time for him to brush his teeth and climb into bed.

"We stayed at Grandmas' house for a long time," Mikey observed.

"Did you have fun?" Jude asked.

"Yeah! I like when there's lots and lots of people! Did you have a good birthday, Father?"

"The best birthday."

When they turned the car off in the driveway, Mikey asked if he could unlock the front door. While Jude said yes, Connor patted his front pocket to make sure he had his set. He didn't know what Mikey could do with the keys, but he didn't particularly want to find out either. Mikey only needed Jude to shine his cell phone light on the lock and he was able to fit the key in and turn it.

"I did it!"

"You did it!" Connor announced. "Can you go put your jammies on?"

"I'm not _tired!"_ Mikey cried, kicking off his shoes so that they loudly thudded off the wall.

"I know, but you have school in the morning," Connor said.

"No, I don't," Mikey said brightly before skipping off into the house.

"We're not falling for that!" Connor called after him. He sighed heavily and looked at Jude, "Watching him run around like that makes me tired."

"That's because you're old," Jude said sweetly, patting Connor on the shoulder. "Here, go put the cake in the kitchen. I'll start herding our kid."

Connor decided that Jude was a miracle worker. By the time Connor had put the cake away and then climbed the stairs, Mikey had his pyjamas on and was halfway through brushing his teeth. He spit and rinsed and then let his parents tuck him in.

"What now?" Connor asked Jude.

"Couch?"

"Couch."

They made their way downstairs and made themselves comfortable on the couch. Jude curled the blanket around his shoulders and he and Connor sat across from each other on the couch. They sat almost knee to knee, watching each other's expressions.

"So," Jude said, while flipping through the TV channels. "What did you and Mom talk about?"

"Please don't be angry," Connor said, and he confessed his conversation with Lena. He left out only the last bit about things he wanted to talk to him about since Connor wanted to have those things be a separate conversation.

When he was done, Jude asked, "You thought I would be mad that you told Mom?"

Connor nodded. "Just because I know we weren't going to talk about this until we knew about us for sure."

"If you talked to anyone, I'm glad it was Mom. And everyone needs to talk about somethings sometimes. I'm not mad."

Connor sat up a little straighter. "Okay … There's a few other things I want to talk to you about."

Jude began to look apprehensive. "Like?"

"Before I start, I want to make sure you know that I'm not asking for solutions to any of this tonight. I just want to make sure you know that I'm thinking about them so you can start thinking about them. That way, we both know where we stand when it's actually time to come up with solutions."

"Okay …" Jude looked more reassured, despite the hesitation in his voice.

"First thing is my apartment. Just because I want you to remember that it's still there, even as little more than a storage locker."

Jude nodded. "Okay."

"And then Mikey. Not because I think we should tell him anything now, but because the better we do the more likely it is we'll have to tell him something and I'm worried about talking to him, so I'd like to talk about it between us."

"Yeah. That makes sense. I know how you feel with that."

Connor looked at Jude's bandaged left ring finger and decided that conversation could wait until he was able to wear a ring before he thought about bringing it up. "And this next one, well, I'd like it if you did say something tonight but it's okay if you can't."

"I can do that for you," Jude promised.

"I just … I want to know how you think of us and how you see _us_. You said you saw me as your best friend again and that makes me _really_ happy, but we've been on a couple of dates since then … And I know you don't totally view me as a husband again either. I guess I just want to know if you view us as a couple in your mind; if you think of us as together. Because I do."

"I _do_ think of us as together. I don't qualify any other way though. Like, I don't think 'husband' or 'fiancé' or 'boyfriend' like I did before, you know?"

"I understand."

"Is that okay? I don't want you to be disappointed."

"I'm not. You're not disappointing in the slightest."

It made Connor smile when Jude smiled.

"Mom, Callie and I didn't talk about much," Jude volunteered. "She just said that she was trying to look out for me while I told her I was an adult and Mom backed me up."

"I'm sorry that happened."

"We both knew it'd be Callie," Jude said. He laid down on the couch and Connor stretched out too so that they were lying nose to nose. "And I know it's because she loves me. I can't fault her for that."

"No." Connor rested his hand against Jude's waist. "I guess you can't. Was it a happy birthday?"

Jude nodded, a little smile on his face. "Yeah, it was."

"What was the happiest part?"

"Cake and presents because everyone was around and you and Mikey were right there so I just felt complete." Jude rubbed his foot against Connor's calf. "And I like it when you do stuff like that, for the record."

"Good. Because I like doing stuff like that."

Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "Can I ask you something?"

"Always." Connor rubbed Jude's side. "You know that."

"What was the happiest moment in your entire life?"

"My _entire_ life?" Connor repeated.

"When you were nothing but happy," Jude added.

"Oh, well, that's easy then. That would be when you proposed to me."

"Really?"

"Mhm. Not to say that adopting Mikey or getting married or the thousand amazing things that have happened to me didn't matter. But there was always something else there too, like anxiety or excitement. But your proposal, I was nothing but happy."

"You cried," Jude remembered.

"I wasn't expecting it."

"I didn't mean to do it like that. I was going to take you out for dinner and think of something big to say –"

"Stop. It was perfect. I cried, remember?"

"I remember."

(-.-)

 _"You know how to tire a man out," Connor said, kissing along Jude's warm neck._

 _Jude tightened his grip on Connor's torso before sitting up and straddling Connor's lower stomach. He drew both hands down the length of Connor's chest, innocently asking, "In the best way?"_

 _"Oh, the absolute best way," Connor agreed, unable to keep his hands off his boyfriend. "But then you sit like that and I don't think I'm that tired anymore."_

 _Jude laughed and tickled Connor's ribs. In response, Connor flipped him down on the bed, pinning him to the comforter they'd left thoroughly rumpled. The early afternoon sunlight drifted across Jude's face and Connor's heart nearly stopped._

 _"How did I get so lucky?" Connor murmured._

 _Jude propped himself up onto his elbows so that their faces were together. "Your stunning good looks."_

 _Connor laughed and kissed Jude again, not resisting as Jude guided him backward, lying him against the pillows. Jude straddled Connor's waist again, and Connor held Jude's waist as Jude leant over him, strangely far for a moment before hovering over his face again._

 _"How much do you love me?" Jude whispered against Connor's lips._

 _"More than countable or understandable. I just love you, entire." Connor rested his hand against Jude's chest, feeling his heart beating erratically. "Do you love me?"_

 _"Completely and utterly and entirely," Jude replied. "Which is why I need to talk to you about something."_

 _"What?" Connor pushed his head back against the pillows, trying to get a better look at Jude's face. Jude stayed propped over him, staring into Connor's eyes._

 _"Well, since I love you and you love me, and since I'm not never going to love anyone but you –"_

 _"I'm never going to love anyone but you either," Connor interrupted, his confusion making him anxious. "It's you, Jude."_

 _"It's_ you, _" Jude repeated, kissing Connor quickly. "Which is why I … I mean, you … Please, Connor, marry me?"_

 _"What?" Connor's voice was a pitched whisper as Jude picked up his left hand and poised a gold ring at the tip of his finger. "_ Really?"

 _He could feel the tears forming already. There was a ring there, for him. Jude had bought him a ring. Jude wanted to marry him. Those three thoughts whizzed around his head in a loop, because part of him was so breathless that he couldn't believe this was reality. Something so perfect had to be a dream._

 _"Really," Jude replied. "Please say yes."_

 _"Yes," Connor whispered breathlessly. There was absolutely nothing else to say. This was all that he wanted out of life. "Yes!"_

 _When Jude slipped the cold metal over his knuckles to the base of his finger, Connor let the tears fall down his cheeks and onto the pillow beneath him. He stared at his hand in disbelief, and then he spread his hand over Jude's chest again, admiring the ring more fully._

 _Jude caught his wrist, running his thumb over the back of Connor's hand. He looked down to inspect the ring a little more closely and anxiously asked, "Do you like it? I didn't want to get you just a plain band but I didn't think you'd want anything flashy either."_

 _"No, it's exactly what I want," Connor assured him._

 _Jude could have gotten him any sort of ring or anything even in a ring-like shape and Connor would have adored it. But with the ring Jude had given him, it was clear that Jude had put thought into it, and he had ended up with something that Connor loved; it was almost exactly what he would have chosen for himself, if given the opportunity. His ring was a gold band with his birthstone in the center. On either side of his birthstone there was a small diamond._

 _"Jude, it's perfect." He pulled Jude down to his side and cuddled into him. "You're perfect."_

 _"I love you."_

 _"I love you too." Connor looked up at him. "We're getting married, Jude!"_

 _"We're getting married, Connor!" Jude kissed him fully._

 _"You're going to be my husband!" Connor exclaimed._

 _"You're going to be_ my _husband," Jude countered, clearing the tears away from Connor's eyes. "But first, I get to call you my fiancé."_

 _Connor grinned at the word. "I never thought I would be so happy about you not being my boyfriend."_

 _"But you're not anymore," Jude replied, happiness leaking out of every word. "You're my fiancé."_

 _"Say it again."_

 _Jude did, whispering the words against Connor's lips, and Connor's heart leapt and thudded in his chest. Beethoven could never have dreamed to compose a symphony that sounded as wonderful as Jude Adams-Foster calling him his fiancé ._

 _"Why are you still crying?" Jude asked, clearing the tears away from the corner of Connor's eyes again._

 _"I'm just really glad you fell in love with me," Connor replied, kissing at Jude's collarbone. "I can't imagine a life without you in it."_

 _"And we've got the rest of our lives to be together." Jude traced the outline of Connor's ring._

 _"We're going to get married and buy a house and adopt a kid or two and grow old together and be happy the whole way through," Connor exclaimed._

 _He could see it all; he could see every little detail in his mind. Laid out aloud like that, it sounded mildly childish and mildly boring, but that didn't bother Connor. He wanted boring. He wanted falling asleep next to the same man for the rest of his life and having to deal with things like school lunches and coming home from work and the small struggles of marriage. He didn't need to have a glorious love story; he didn't want the struggle and strife that came along with it. He just wanted to be able to kiss Jude every day and fall asleep listening to his heartbeat every night, because he was in love with him and he knew that just being near him would always make Connor smile like this._

 _"Well," Jude said, leaning over Connor, "first we plan a wedding."_

 _"First we plan a wedding," Connor echoed._

 _"And then we get married."_

 _Connor was grinning so hard so he could only manage to squeak, "Married."_

 _"And then we buy a house."_

 _"And then we buy a house."_

 _"And then we adopt a kid."_

 _"Maybe two?"_

 _Jude made a little noise at the back of his throat and kissed at Connor's neck. "Well … How about we adopt one and then after a year or two of one we talk about another one?"_

 _"That's a good plan. One might be all we want," Connor said. "We should adopt a son."_

 _"And name him after you," Jude said._

 _"Or you."_

 _Jude laughed. "And then we have our family and then we raise our kid and then we grow old together."_

 _"Do you think you'll still love me when we're old?"_

 _"I know I'm going to still love you when you're old." Jude kissed Connor's palm and then he pressed his lips to the ring. "The only difference is you'll be Connor Adams-Foster Stevens."_

 _"Oh!" Connor whispered. "Say_ that _again."_

 _Jude reached up and cradled Connor's head between his two hands and Connor found himself gripping Jude's hips. Jude pressed their foreheads together and took his time, letting each name roll off of his tongue. Connor felt like he was floating as Jude spoke, drawing him closer and closer with every breath._

 _"I love you," Jude whispered. "Marry me?"_

 _"You already asked," Connor replied, hooking his hands around Jude's neck._

 _"I know. But … I was going to write you a speech, take you out, not ask like this. You just … I'm so in love with you. I couldn't look at you for another second and not know that everything we talked about having, we were really going to have. I can't wait to marry you. And I need you to know exactly what I think of you. Exactly how much I love you."_

 _"I know," Connor assured him, settling his thighs against Jude's hips. "I know."_

 _"Can you, though?" Jude asked him. "Can you really know how much I love you?"_

 _"As much as you can know how much I love you," Connor replied. "How much do you think I love you?"_

 _"Entirely."_

 _"Good answer," Connor said, and he smiled as Jude held him close. "Kiss me?"_

 _"Anything you want, fiancé."_

 _"And keeping calling me that," Connor added quickly, before Jude's lips touched his own._

 _"Anything you want, fiancé," Jude repeated._

 _Then Jude kissed him breathless._

(-.-)

Jude had fallen asleep on the couch. He had Connor's arm trapped under his body and Connor had lost feeling in it hours ago. He wasn't quite ready to wake Jude yet. He slipped his arm around Jude's waist and pulled Jude's back closer to his chest. Jude barely stirred as Connor gently traced the bandages around Jude's left hand and then down to the base of his ring finger. Jude hadn't worn his ring in so long that there wasn't even a recognizable tan line, particularly now that his hand had been bandaged for as long as it had been.

Connor felt his chest begin to tighten and he curled himself further around Jude, hiding his face in the back of Jude's t-shirt. In the background, the movie he'd barely been paying attention to continued on, but he fully blocked it out as he remembered the day that he had realized Jude had taken his wedding ring off. Try as he might, Connor couldn't stop the painful memory from playing out in his mind in every agonizing detail.

(-.-)

 _"The book fair is coming next week," Mikey said, looking down at his plate._

 _"I read about that in your newsletter," Jude replied, sounding tired. "Is there anything you want to buy?"_

 _"Spy books!" Mikey said. "Do you think there will be spy books?"_

 _"I bet there will be," Jude said._

 _"I'm going to be a spy when I grow up. I'll wear all black and run around kicking butt."_

 _"Those are ninjas," Connor said, not looking up from the e-mail he had open on his phone._

 _"Nu-uh! Spies can wear black too! Can't they, Father? Can spies wear black too?"_

 _"Yes, spies can wear black too. How else could they be sneaky?"_

 _This time, Connor did look up, because he was thoroughly annoyed. Jude couldn't even agree with him on the smallest of things. It was like he was trying to make Connor look bad in front of their son. Jude wasn't looking back at him, though. He was staring down at his plate, pushing his potatoes in a circle around his portion of roast._

 _"Father's right, Dad," Mikey informed Connor._

 _"Of course he is," Connor muttered. "Isn't he always?"_

 _Mikey's eyebrows drew together as he thought, and then he replied, "No, Dad. Sometimes you're right."_

 _"Jude, pass the salt. The roast is tasteless."_

 _Jude heaved a sigh but picked up the salt shaker, leaning to pass it to Connor. Connor glanced up to make sure he was going to clasp it properly, and then he found his gaze snapping upward again. That was Jude's left hand … There was just a tan line. Connor felt his jaw began to tremble and he slammed his back teeth together to keep himself from saying anything in front of Mikey. He poured salt over his food and focused on chewing it, although everything had lost any sort of flavour; it was like chewing on sawdust._

 _Jude had taken his wedding ring off._

 _The angry truth ran in circles around his head until he couldn't think of anything else. As soon as dinner was done, Connor banished himself to the home office. All he wanted to do was yell at Jude. He wanted to demand why. Why had he taken his ring off? Why had he given up on their marriage? Why had he started seeing someone else, because it was obvious that he had? Why didn't he love Connor anymore?_

 _He hadn't gotten any work done when Mikey knocked on the door and slowly walked in to give him a goodnight hug and kiss. Connor said 'I love you' and 'goodnight' and 'leave the door open'. Mikey said 'I love you' back, and then trotted out, leaving the door as Connor had instructed. Connor sat quietly at his desk, not working, just fuming, as he listened to Jude read Mikey his bedtime story. The minute he heard Jude leave Mikey's room and go downstairs to the kitchen, Connor was on his feet, heading down the stairs too._

 _Jude was standing at the kitchen counter, sorting the dinner dishes into the dishwasher or the sink, depending on how they needed to be washed. He didn't look up or turn around, though Connor knew that Jude had heard him enter the room. Connor found himself staring at Jude's left hand. Where had he put his ring?_

 _Finally, Connor cleared his throat. "I need to talk to you."_

 _"Talk then."_

 _"Downstairs."_

 _Jude let out a heavy sigh and slammed the pan down into the sink. They both knew that the basement was for arguments, since Mikey couldn't hear them clearly when they were downstairs. Jude turned to face him._

 _"Go, then."_

 _Connor led the way down to the basement. He flicked the TV over to a music station and turned it up, just to further cover the sounds of their conversation and then he looked at Jude._

 _"What?" Jude snapped._

 _"Where's your ring?"_

 _"Oh, so you finally noticed."_

 _"What's that supposed to mean?"_

 _"I took it off and week and a half ago."_

"What?!"

 _"Why bother to keep it on?"_

 _"Did your boyfriend tell you to take it off?"_

 _"What boyfriend? Can't I hate you enough on my own to not want to be married to you anymore?"_

 _"That's rich coming from the biggest asshole in this house!"_

 _"What's that supposed to mean? What do I do? Stay at the office all day and night? Oh, wait, that's you!"_

 _"_ I _didn't take my wedding ring off!"_

 _"Which isn't a sin!" Jude shouted at him. "The only reason you're concerned over that ring is because you're possessive!"_

 _"I'm possessive because you're cheating on me!"_

 _"I'm not. I'm so tired of saying that I'm not. When do I have time between going to work and coming home and cooking and taking care of our kid and the thousand other things that you don't do because you're damn job is so much more important than your family?!"_

 _"I work for this family! We wouldn't live the way we do were it not for my job! You're the one that leeches off of_ me _. We wouldn't have this damn house, this stupid house, that you just_ needed _if it weren't for_ my _job. What about everything else that you've ever wanted, Jude? My money has given you whatever you needed."_

 _"You're not the only one with a job! Just because your paycheck has a few higher numbers in it than mine does doesn't mean that you're worth more. You're not home. If you left there wouldn't be any sort of difference!"_

 _"Maybe I should leave!" Connor shouted, and then he waited for Jude to say 'no'. He waited for Jude to say that leaving wouldn't solve anything and that things weren't that bad. He waited for Jude to tell him to stay._

 _Instead, Jude looked down at his sock feet. "I've been thinking about asking you to."_

 _"You can't kick me out of my own house."_

 _"I was going to wait until after Christmas and then I thought … Mikey's birthday. I was going to ask in February. I wanted Mikey to have a few more months, just through the holidays and his birthday, because I wouldn't want to take that from him."_

 _"You can't kick me out of my own house!" Connor repeated, more angrily this time._

 _"You're the one that does everything to not come home and then when you're here you limit yourself to your office. When was the last time you even helped Mikey with his homework or tucked him into bed? You've forfeited your right to call it your house."_

 _"Then Mikey's coming with me!"_

 _"Over my dead body do you take my son out of his home."_

 _"_ My _son," Connor snapped._

 _"Connor, don't make this any harder than it has to be," Jude begged. "There has to be enough left of you that cares about me enough to not make this worse."_

 _"I don't want to go."_

 _"You don't want to be here either."_

 _Connor choked on his breath, but then admitted, "No, I really don't. But if I move out, if you really want this to happen, then we're getting a divorce."_

 _Jude closed his eyes._

 _Connor waited for Jude to fight him on that too. Divorce was scary and final and they were never supposed to get divorced. They could work through this, couldn't they? Even though they had fallen apart so far, Connor thought that they could do it. Maybe if they tried. He didn't know how to try._

 _"If a divorce is what you want," Jude said, "then you can have it."_

 _"What?" Connor whispered._

 _"I'm tired of fighting you," Jude said. "I'm so tired of the way that we've been living. I give up. I completely give up. After Mikey's birthday, I want you to move out and then you can start the divorce proceedings. I don't care anymore, Connor."_

 _"Not even about me?" Connor asked, although it was clear that Jude didn't care about him anymore._

 _"I thought I was going to spend my life with you," Jude said, and he used his bare left hand to wipe at his eyes. "But now I can't spend another day with you."_

 _Jude turned his back on him then. Connor managed to stay upright until Jude was on the main level of the floor and then he fell to his knees with a devastating thud. He didn't know how to move or how to breathe anymore. His marriage had just ended. His life with Jude was now over. In his chest, he could feel his heart shatter and break and he struggled for air._

 _It was fair. Everything that Jude had said was fair and true and it shook Connor to his core. This was no longer his basement. He was a guest in this house; this house that he and Jude had picked out together with dreams of being in love in it for decades. It was over. Everything was over._

 _And then Connor swore his heart stopped._

(-.-)

"Connor? Are you okay?" He felt Jude's bandaged hand tighten around his own and press it against his chest.

"Yeah," Connor lied, pressing his nose against Jude's spine. Then he realized that he shouldn't lie. "No."

"What's wrong?"

"I was thinking about one of our fights. When you told me to move out," Connor clarified. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we ever got to that point. I'm sorry we didn't fix it long before then."

"Me too … Hold on." Jude turned himself over on the couch, facing Connor. "We both could have done a lot of things differently. I sat on my anger instead of talking to you about it. But we're here now. We can get it right now."

Connor nodded. "I want to."

"Me too." Jude kissed the tip of Connor's nose.

"It's after midnight," Connor said. "Happy birthday, Jude."

"Does this mean I get my present now?" Jude teased.

"No, it's not that easy," Connor replied.

"But I want to know."

"Soon." Connor kissed his cheek. "How about a birthday kiss?"

"Okay."

Jude leant up on one elbow and kissed Connor softly. It was a brief kiss but it left them both smiling as Jude curled back into Connor's side.

"We don't want to fall asleep down here," Connor murmured. "You'll fall off the couch."

"I'll push you off first so I'll have something soft to land on."

"Whatever gets you on top of me," Connor joked.

Jude let out a small chuckle and swatted at Connor's ribs. "Upstairs, I guess."

"So you can get on top of me there?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Jude told him.

"Oh, never." Connor waited until Jude had pulled him upright and was leading him upstairs to add, "I want you ahead of me."

"Tease," Jude accused.

"No," Connor mused, allowing one hand to brush along Jude's tailbone. "That's you."

Jude paused outside of their bedroom door. He was acutely aware of Mikey's ajar door, but he knew that they were about to go their separate ways to get ready for bed. So he admitted in the lowest voice he could manage, "I like when you flirt."

"I like flirting with you," Connor assured him and he kissed Jude sweetly. "Meet you in bed in a second."

Jude nodded and Connor reluctantly let go of him so that they could each go and brush their teeth. Connor managed to take longer than Jude did, and Jude was already half asleep, curled up in the pillows when Connor slipped in next to him. Jude twined his limbs around Connor and rested his head against his chest.

"I love you, Jude," Connor whispered.

"I love you too," Jude murmured sleepily.

Connor felt his heart leap into his throat. Jude had said it back. He slipped his arms even further around his husband, feeling completely content. The hope in his chest bubbled and swelled so that he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Can You Hold Me**_ **by NF ft Britt Nicole (reader recommended);** _ **Where Love Went Wrong**_ **by Augstana; and** _ **Total Eclipse Of The Heart**_ **by Sleeping At Last.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	16. I'm Free But I'm Focused

The next morning, Connor's phone began to vibrate before his and Jude's alarm went off. Slowly, Connor sat up and turned the alarm off. In their sleep, Jude had managed to toss himself to the other side of the bed, although his legs had remained on Connor's side. Connor smiled as he turned off the phone alarm. He carefully stood from the bed, doing his best not to disturb Jude, and he went out into the hallway. As he softly closed the bedroom door behind him, he heard Mikey's voice.

"Dad? It's not time for school is it?"

"Shh," Connor said, turning around to face Mikey, who was standing outside his bathroom door. "No, it's early. I'm going to make Father a special birthday breakfast."

"Can I help?" Mikey asked, whispering now too.

"Sure, downstairs. We have to be quick!"

Mikey bounded down the stairs and Connor followed him downstairs as quickly as he could manage. Mikey turned on the kitchen lights.

"What are we making?" Mikey asked.

"Chocolate chip pancakes, but we have to be quiet, okay? We don't want to wake Father until everything's ready."

"Okay! What can I do?"

"Do you want to get the chocolate chips from the bottom cupboard?"

Together, Connor and Mikey were able to mix the pancakes quickly. Connor was worried that Jude would wake up and hear them but they were able to finish without waking Jude up. Connor arranged the pancakes on a plate and poured a glass of juice. He fetched the small card that he'd gotten for Jude – the first of today's surprises – and put it on a tray. He transferred Jude's breakfast over and then nodded his head at Mikey.

"Time to go wake Father."

"Okay!"

"Go first and get the door for me, okay?"

"Okay!" Mikey repeated.

They walked back up the stairs, at a much slower pace this time. Mikey opened the bedroom door but Jude hadn't moved.

"Windows," Connor whispered to Mikey.

Mikey ran over to the big windows and opened the blinds. The morning light streamed in and Jude shifted slightly. Without prompting, Mikey raced over to Jude's side.

"Father? Father!" He placed his small hands on Jude's forearm. "Time to wake up."

Jude's eyes opened slowly and he focused on Mikey's face. "What time is it? Did we oversleep?"

"No! It's breakfast time!"

"Breakfast?" he murmured. He sat up slowly and then he saw Connor holding the tray.

"We made you a birthday breakfast!" Mikey announced. He clambered up into the bed next to Jude, taking over Connor's side.

"Thank you," Jude said as Connor placed the tray on his lap. "It looks really good."

"Happy birthday, Jude," Connor said sweetly.

"Thank you," Jude repeated, meeting his eyes for their briefest moment.

"I helped!" Mikey told him proudly, draping his himself across Jude's shoulder.

"Are you going to help me eat it too?" Jude asked.

" _Yeah_! There's chocolate chips in them, Father!"

"Well, then, I'm not going to let you help me," Jude teased.

"We've got extras downstairs," Connor assured Mikey. "You keep Father company and I'll go get breakfast for the two of us."

"Okay!" Mikey agreed, pulling the comforter around his legs. "Your bed is warm."

Connor headed downstairs quickly and piled the rest of the pancakes on an extra plate. He hooked the syrup bottle around his little finger, grabbed two juice boxes because they were easier to carry, and rushed back up the stairs. Mikey and Jude had started sharing pancakes already anyway.

"Does this mean I don't have to go to school?" Mikey asked as Connor gently sat the plate down on his lap.

"No," Jude and Connor said together.

"But it's Father's birthday!"

"School is important," Jude said.

"I know," Mikey sighed.

"Why have you been trying so hard to get out of school lately anyway?" Connor asked him. "You're only in the first grade!"

"All the teenagers on the TV shows complain about school."

"You're not a teenager," Connor pointed out.

"Practically," Mikey told him.

Jude laughed into his glass of juice. "You're six!"

"I'm halfway there!"

"You have seven years to go."

"That's almost the same as six."

Jude kissed his temple. "Don't grow up too fast. You're still just our little boy."

"You and Dad used to be little boys."

"Yes," Connor said. "And we wanted to be grown-ups when we were little. But it's not all it's cracked up to be. You grow up a little more every year."

"Well, I'm proud of you, Dad," Mikey said.

Connor raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

"You've grown up a lot," Mikey said. "Last year you didn't even talk to Father on his birthday."

Jude's fork dropped against his plate and Connor felt his stomach turn.

"What?" Jude whispered.

"I remember 'cause last year we had Father's birthday at Grandmas _after_ his real birthday and on his real birthday I was waiting for _you_ to say 'happy birthday' so I could give him the card I made but you didn't say _anything at all_ and so I had to wait until we were at Grandmas."

"Oh, Mikey," Connor whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"But you're doing much better," Mikey said, reaching out and rubbing Connor's arm like Connor had done to him a hundred times. "Father just woke up and you already said it once!"

Jude was staring down at his plate. He moved one of his few remaining pieces of pancakes through the syrup on his plate. Neither he nor Connor knew what to say. Mikey, however, picked up the conversation.

"What's in the card Dad gave you?"

"Let's find out." Jude picked it up and ran his hands along the thick envelope. "What's in here?"

Connor shrugged. "Open it up."

Jude opened the back of the envelope and pulled out the card. Connor had gone for a generic ' _best wishes on your birthday'_ card because it was easiest. On the inside, however, he had included a homemade book of home coupons. Connor had a lot of little things lined up for today; things that he knew Jude would appreciate. For the home coupons, Connor had made sure that they were all for things that Jude had once asked him to do that he had never gotten around too. He watched Jude's eyes soften as he flipped through the coupons, reading some aloud.

"Do the dishes, good for five cups of coffee, let Jude sleep in … I like these," Jude said. "It's very thoughtful."

"This one says 'make supper'," Mikey said, reading over Jude's shoulder.

"I like that one too," Jude said. "Thank you, Connor. I'll make sure to put these to good use."

"You're welcome," Connor replied.

"For my birthday," Mikey told them both, "I want one that says 'do Mikey's homework for him'."

"I'll make you some for your birthday but they might not be that exact one."

"But that exact one is what I want, Dad!"

"We'll see what your birthday brings," Jude cut in diplomatically. Then, to distract Mikey, he asked, "How are your pancakes?"

"Really good! Dad makes really yummy breakfast."

"He does," Jude agreed. "Are you full?"

Mikey nodded, his hair flopping around.

"Do you need a haircut?" Connor asked before Jude could speak again.

"No. I think I want to grow my hair to my butt," Mikey said. "What do you think, Father?"

"I think we'll need to get you a brush instead of just your comb if you want to do that," Jude said. "But you still need to get it trimmed to keep it healthy."

"Hair gets sick?" Mikey exclaimed, squinting at Jude. "What doesn't get sick?"

"The sun," Connor replied. "Why don't you go get dressed for school?"

"Fine!" Mikey exclaimed. He slid his plate onto Connor's night table and then did a haphazard summersault off the side of the bed. He shut his bedroom door loudly and that was when Connor knew it was safe to talk.

"Did I really not speak to you on your birthday last year?"

Jude wouldn't look up at him. He just continued to play with the remainder of his pancakes. "I don't remember."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a year ago."

"But it must have hurt you. I'm sorry."

"It _did_ ," Jude snapped suddenly. "But you spent so many days not talking to me and I spent so many days not talking back that they all just blur together! I _missed_ you."

"I missed you too," Connor said. He rubbed the length of Jude's leg under the comforter. "I'm sorry. I know it was hard for you then and I don't think I realized how hard. I wasn't there for you at all."

"Don't leave me now," Jude replied. "And I won't leave you."

"You kicked me out, you didn't leave me."

"Don't leave me and I won't kick you out," Jude amended.

"That sounds fair."

"Now kiss me before Mikey gets himself dressed."

Connor leant forward over the breakfast tray. He had to cut the kiss short because he knew how little time it took for Mikey to throw on a pair of jeans and a mostly clean t-shirt.

"You taste like syrup."

"I like your pancakes," Jude said. "Thank you for my birthday breakfast."

"The first of many things. Now, get dressed. We have places to go after Mikey gets on the bus."

"Places like where?"

"You'll see. Get your shoes on."

"Jeans too? Or do you just want me in shoes?"

"Well, we're going out in public and I don't want anyone trying to steal you so … jeans, please." Connor stood up from the bed and lifted the tray. "I'll meet you downstairs."

"You know, a man who forgot to put coffee on my tray doesn't have a lot of room to boss me around."

"I didn't forget," Connor said. "Don't doubt me, Jude."

"I don't," Jude said, smiling. "I really don't."

Connor shut the bedroom door behind him and descended into the kitchen. He glanced at the time and realized that he would have to get Mikey out the door as soon as he came down the stairs. He packed some quick snacks into Mikey's lunchbox and tucked in some lunch money. He checked that Mikey's backpack had everything he would need for the day and he held it out as Mikey hurtled toward the front door.

"Bye, Father. Love you!" Mikey shouted.

"Love you too!" Jude called back.

"Bye, Dad!" Mikey said, grabbing his bag with one hand.

"Zip up your jacket!"

"Love you too," Mikey said, and bolted down the driveway.

Connor watched him from the front door. Mikey had a minute's pause by the garbage box and zipped up his jacket as Connor had instructed. Then he jumped through the school bus's yellow doors. Connor was so entranced with this small slice of his son's morning that he didn't even realize that Jude was behind him until Jude was leaning against his back.

"You know, all this talk about me getting dressed and you're still in your pyjama pants," Jude murmured.

Connor bit down on his bottom lip as Jude's hands dropped into the pockets of Connor's pyjama pants. Connor turned his head to kiss the side of Jude's neck.

"Do I need to take them off for you?" Jude continued.

"Would you?" Connor asked, knowing full-well what Jude would say.

"No, but I want you to be thinking about it."

Connor laughed. "Tease."

"A little," Jude agreed. "But it's my birthday so I'll do what I want."

"I'm the one with the plan for today," Connor countered.

"Then you should be dressed."

"I'll go and get dressed, then."

"Can I watch?"

Connor laughed. "Well, it _is_ your birthday."

"And you're talking to me!" Jude tightened his arms around Connor's waist.

"Right. Which reminds me, while I was making breakfast, I realized that there was something I needed to talk to you about."

"Uh-oh."

"No, no, nothing like that. We went to bed so quickly last night that you never showed me your side."

Jude let go of Connor and Connor frowned. He hadn't thought this whole comment through. He wanted Jude's arms around him again. He spun around to see Jude lifting up his t-shirt, exposing his old self-inflicted wounds. It only took a moment for Connor to confirm that there were no new scars.

"I'm not hurting myself again."

"I believe you. I just worry about you. Let me care."

"Well, if you caring includes compliments and breakfast in bed, then I guess I should let you do what you want."

"I want you," Connor replied immediately. He saw the look on Jude's face and had to add, "But I can be patient."

"I just know you're worth the wait," Jude replied. "And doing things right."

"I'm going to make sure I'm good enough for you this time," Connor told Jude. "Really."

"I have to deserve you too," Jude said. "You didn't create this mess all on your own."

"I know, but it's your birthday, so I want to make sure you feel flattered."

"First, go get dressed so we can get going. I'm curious about what you planned!"

"I'm going, I'm going. I'm glad you're excited, though."

Jude leant forward and kissed Connor's cheek. "While you're upstairs I'll make coffee."

"No." Connor gripped Jude's shoulders and steered him into the living room, sitting him in the armchair. "Sit."

"You have about half an hour before I get a caffeine headache."

"I won't need half an hour." Connor went to walk away to get dressed but then he saw Jude staring at him and he kissed his forehead. "Sorry. I've just been missing you physically a little more lately."

"I've noticed. I'm thirty-seven, not senile." Jude reached up and took Connor's hand in his own. "It'd be too much too fast."

"I know. I'm just telling you how I feel."

"And I appreciate that. But, you know, you _can_ kiss me whenever you want."

Connor ran his hand through Jude's thick hair. "Even when you've got a caffeine headache coming on?"

" _Almost_ anytime you want," Jude amended. "Now go, go! You have about twenty-six minutes before I get a caffeine headache."

Connor dressed quickly in casual clothing and he brushed his teeth quickly. It took him twelve minutes to get completely ready and then he was leading Jude out to the car. He held the passenger door open and Jude stared at him suspiciously as he sat down.

"What?" Connor asked, leaning on the door.

"Where are we going?" Jude asked.

"You'll see. Keep your fingers out of the way."

Jude pointedly folded his fingers in his lap and Connor shut the door. Soon, they were driving down the street. Jude was surveying the street, trying to figure out where they might be headed.

"Just give up, you won't guess!"

"I'm not trying to guess!" Jude said. Then he shrunk into his seat and crossed his arms. "Not that I'm giving up right now or anything. You just think you're so sneaky, don't you?"

Connor let out a laugh. Then he reached over to touch Jude's hands. "Are you bitter?"

"No."

Jude clenched his hand around Connor's. "Can you drive okay one-handed?"

"You _know_ I can."

"I just thought that _some_ things might have changed since we were seventeen."

"Oh, please, that was only … twenty … years … ago … You know what, let's talk about something else."

"Feeling old, are you?" Jude teased.

"You make me feel old. How many other couples can say they've been together since they were thirteen?"

"Well, can we really say –"

" _Yes_."

Jude said, "You know, I love that you know what I'm going to say before I say it."

"You're using 'love' instead of 'annoyed' right now, aren't you?"

"A little. Just because it's obvious what I'm going to say doesn't mean that I like being cut off."

"Okay. I'm sorry. But, on the bright side, we're here!" Connor pulled up the curb next to their destination and watched Jude's face as he looked at the storefront.

"The snobby coffee place!" Jude exclaimed.

"The snobby coffee place!" Connor repeated. "I know you think that it's overpriced and some of the things they do to coffee is ridiculous. But I also know you've been wanting to try it and I know you haven't … At least, you hadn't the last time we talked about it."

Which, Connor belatedly realized, had been nearly a year and a half ago. Time didn't seem quite linear anymore. It was if the time they had been separated and the time right before he had moved out hadn't really happened.

"I haven't been," Jude said quickly. "I … I didn't have anyone I wanted to go with."

"Would you like to go with me, then?"

"Yeah!"

"And that's not the caffeine headache talking?" Connor joked.

"Not entirely."

Jude winked at him and Connor felt his heart skip a beat. Together, they walked through the front doors. It was a sweet little sit down café and Jude and Connor picked a table by the window.

"You know what we should do," Jude said, leaning forward on the table.

"What?" Connor said, leaning forward as well. It felt like they were planning something secret.

"I know it's only, like, eight in the morning and we just had breakfast but there are brownies in the display case that are the size of our faces."

Connor peeked over at the display case and saw the brownies, covered with nuts. His felt his mouth watering just looking at them.

"Yes, we _need_ those."

Jude laughed as Connor flagged down one of the waitresses. Jude ordered something with a lot of whipped cream, which didn't surprise Connor at all, and Connor decided to try something hazelnut.

"You're going to have to let me taste that," Jude said.

"Of course." Connor felt Jude's foot tapping on the inside of his leg. "Now who's being flirtatious?"

"I feel in love," Jude confessed. "It's this perfect mixture of old love and new love. Like … I'm completely comfortable with you but then just looking at you makes me smile and happy and hopeful. You know, a year … even two years ago, I thought of you and I felt _tired_. When we were, you know, twenty-four and getting engaged it was nice and hopeful to be able to look at our future and know how our life was going to go. After a while, it was like we ran out of surprises."

"Spontaneity, I can do that."

" _We_ ," Jude corrected. "I kept waiting for you to do something but I never did anything."

"I wouldn't have realized it if you did." Connor trapped Jude's foot between his own. "I know that and I'm sorry."

"Do you know what I mean though?" Jude asked.

"I do," Connor agreed. "I find in comfort in knowing what we're doing and where we're heading, I won't deny that, but it's not an excuse to get complacent."

"I like having a plan too," Jude agreed. "I'm not saying we shouldn't think about what our future will look like. I just hated the feeling of every day being the same."

"I understand you."

"I wish I could take your hand," Jude said.

"Soon. Whatever you want," Connor added. "I want today to be completely about you."

"It's just my birthday," Jude said. "We've never made this big of a deal out of it before."

"No, I know. I just feel bad about … everything. And I want you to know that I've been listening. I know I wasn't always good at it. But I know you and I love you."

Jude closed his mouth as they had their cups and the large brownie sat in front of the two of them. He picked up his coffee and took a sip.

"It's good. Do you want to try?"

"Sure," Connor said as he took the cup. He nudged his own before Jude and allowed his husband to take the first sips of both drinks.

"It's good," Jude repeated. As they switched their drinks around again, Jude made sure their fingers brushed together. "You know, I love you too."

Connor's heart felt like it swelled. He picked up one of the little forks they had been given with their brownie and Jude grabbed the other one. They clinked their tines together in celebration and dug into either side of the brownie. They both had mouths full of their first bites when they heard their names called. In sync, their heads turned to see Coach Roberto approaching them.

"Coach!" Connor said, swallowing the brownie quickly. "Isn't school in session?"

"Early dentist appointment," Coach explained, walking up to them. "I should have headed right over but I love cinnamon in my coffee and this place does it the best. What are you doing here?"

"It's Jude's birthday," Connor explained.

"Happy birthday!" Coach exclaimed. "How's your health?"

"My hea –" Jude started, and then he remembered himself. "I'm getting better every day, Coach. Thanks for asking."

"Always. Well, I've got to get back to school before it gets too late. I'll be seeing Mikey last block."

"Nice to see you, Coach," Connor said.

"Have a good rest of the day," Jude said.

"You too!" Coach said and they waved him off.

"I think he's my favourite of Mikey's teachers," Jude said.

"He's a _gym_ teacher."

"Still a teacher!" Jude countered.

"Okay, okay. I do like him. He's a very sweet man," Connor agreed.

"One of my favourites," Jude agreed. He took another bite of the brownie. "Okay."

"Okay what?"

"You're not allowed to have any more of it."

"Hey!"

"It's my birthday and I do what I want to!"

"But it's a _brownie_!"

"But it's my birthday."

Connor felt Jude's toes on the inside of his leg.

"No way. There's walnuts on this thing. You don't get everything you want, Jude."

"I have Mikey," Jude said quickly. "I have you."

"And we have you," Connor added. "Don't we?"

He was relieved when Jude smiled.

"Yeah. I'm not going anywhere, Connor."

"Good. We wouldn't want you to."

Jude took a long drink of his coffee and when he moved the mug away from his mouth, he had a whipped cream moustache. Connor laughed and handed him a napkin. Jude self-consciously blotted at his upper lip and Connor couldn't help but say, "You're going to look cute when your hair goes white."

"At least I won't go bald."

"I'm not going bald!"

" _Eh_."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

" _Eh_ ," Jude repeated, laughing. His face went somber for a moment. "There's one more thing I'd like for my birthday."

"What makes you think I don't have something else planned?"

Jude shrugged. "But …"

"But?" Connor repeated. "What do you want?"

"I want to stop the divorce. Legally, I mean. Call the lawyers and put everything on hold. I … I know we can't be _sure_ , but, Connor, I love you and I don't want the divorce to get any further along because I have hope."

Connor smiled. "Absolutely. We'll call tomorrow or something, okay? I love you too."

Jude smiled and ducked his head.

"All done?" Connor asked.

"Only if you get away from my last bite of brownie."

"Okay, okay!" Connor surrendered the last bite.

When Jude was done, they paid the waitress. Jude went to head back to the car but Connor caught his upper arm, directing him away. He felt Jude giving him a suspicious look but since Jude didn't ask, Connor didn't answer. They walked down the street, which wasn't overly crowded. Most people were at work or in school; there were only several retirees and stay-at-home parents milling about and trying to get their errands done. They walked in silence for longer than Connor had thought Jude would let them, and then he heard his husband's voice.

"This has been a really good birthday morning."

"We're not totally done yet."

"What do we have left?"

"Guess."

"I have no idea," Jude admitted. "You've been surprising."

"Well, I thought a little walk would do us good," Connor admitted. "We spend a lot of time at home. Which isn't bad or surprising. But, you know, trees."

" _Trees_ ," Jude cackled as they entered one of the few nature paths around their area. "You're such a romantic. "

"I'm a little rusty, give me a break."

"You've been doing a really good job to make this a good birthday. Don't sell yourself short, Connor."

"I'm glad you like it."

In the quietness of the nature trail, Jude reached out and took Connor's hand. They didn't need to speak as they walked. Connor smiled and took deep breaths of the fresh air. The whole world was happy and peaceful. Jude swung their joined hands as they walked and, near the end of the trail, Connor heard him humming under his breath. This, most of all, made Connor's heart light. He knew that depression wasn't something that could be thought of as curable, but he didn't think that Jude was anywhere near the dark place that he had been in during September and the months beforehand. Connor lifted their hands and kissed Jude's knuckles.

"I'm glad you started doing that again," Jude commented. "It's one of those little things that I missed."

"What else did you miss?"

"Talking to you and feeling like you were totally listening. I just missed the feeling of you being in love with me."

"What do you think now?" Connor asked, and he was half-fearful of the answer.

Jude looked over and smiled at him. "Things are good. We're good. I feel cared for again. Sometimes I get scared that it will go away."

"What do you mean?"

"Things are usually good at the beginning of relationships. And this is like the beginning again. The beginning wasn't the problem. It was … keeping it going."

"I think we can do that. We know what not to do."

"Yeah," Jude said softly. "I have hope for us."

"Me too."

They reached the end of the trail and Jude dropped Connor's hand.

"Are we going home now?" Jude asked.

"Unless there's something else that you want to do."

"No, home sounds nice right now."

"All right, let's go."

They walked back to the car and soon they were pulling into their driveway.

"I don't want to do this on your birthday," Connor said as they unlocked the door, "but I have some work that I need to get done."

"That's okay. I want to just curl up and watch TV anyway."

"Are you coming to the office with me?" Connor asked hopefully.

"If I won't distract you."

"I like you distracting me," Connor said as they walked upstairs.

In the office, Connor passed Jude his laptop which had taken to living on a corner of Connor's desk. Jude settled into his usual spot in the armchair and set up his laptop on the ottoman in front of him. Connor perched on the arm of the chair and he felt Jude's head rest on his thigh.

"Are you tired?"

Jude nodded. "This morning was good, really good. But I feel a little drained … Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," Connor promised. "It's been a busy morning and we ended up talking about some big things. I didn't mean to do that on your birthday."

"I'd rather talk about it right away than wait."

"That's a better plan." Connor rubbed Jude's shoulder. "Do you need anything?"

Jude shook his head.

"Okay. I need you to put headphones in at twelve-thirty if you're in here. I have a call coming in then."

"Kay," Jude murmured, opening up their Netflix page.

Connor eased himself off the armchair and before he had more than turned away from Jude, he felt his husband's hand catch the back of his t-shirt. He turned around again. "Yeah?"

"Can I have another birthday kiss?" Jude asked shyly.

"You can have as many of those as you want."

He leant down and kissed Jude softly. He felt Jude's fingers on the back of his head and he shifted just a little bit closer.

"Okay," Connor murmured against Jude's lips. "I have work to do."

He didn't move his face away from Jude's and he could feel Jude's eyelashes flutter against his cheek.

"I thought you liked when I was a distraction."

"I do. But _you_ like when we pay the bills on time."

"Maybe a little," Jude admitted. He reluctantly sat back from Connor.

"Besides, you know you want to get back to … What are we watching today?"

"The cold case show I was watching added a new season," Jude replied.

"Oh, good, those are my favourite."

Jude settled down to watch his TV show and Connor banished himself to his desk. He sorted through his e-mails first and then turned to the reports that he was supposed to have read before his phone call. His phone call lasted longer than he thought that it would and Jude had to leave the office, closing the door behind him, to go and meet Mikey downstairs so that Connor wouldn't have interruptions.

Connor had to lower his eyes to the floor to keep himself focused, wishing this conversation was over. He forced himself to pay attention to the woman on the other end of the line. He asked her all of the things that his boss would need to know, confirmed another meeting for later in the month. Finally, he was able to hang up his phone and go join his family.

It was exactly where he was supposed to be.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **I Just Can't Live A Lie**_ **by Carrie Underwood; and** _ **Because You Loved Me**_ **by Celine Dion (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	17. I'm Poor But I'm Kind

Connor stepped into the basement. Jude and Mikey were sitting on the couch, and Mikey was in the middle of saying something. He heard the noise of Connor's footsteps and turned his head. As soon as he saw Connor, Mikey's face lit up.

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Look!" Mikey snatched a single piece of paper off the coffee table and held it out.

"What's this?" Connor asked, sinking down on the couch next to Mikey.

"I got a _hundred_ on my math test!"

"Wow! I'm so proud of you!" Connor exclaimed, high-fiving Mikey.

"And I got a star sticker! Do you see it?"

"I see it. That's awesome!"

Mikey grinned and sidled up to Connor. "I need to ask you something," he whispered loudly.

Connor glanced over at Jude, who was trying to hide a grin behind his open hand.

"What do you need to ask?" Connor replied in a low voice.

"Can we order Chinese food tonight?"

"Why? Do you want Chinese food?"

"I think Father does. And it's his birthday."

"Well …"

"And he already said we could," Mikey added.

"Mikey!" Jude laughed. "You weren't supposed to tell him that!"

"Oops!" Mikey bounced across the couch to throw his arms around Jude's neck. "Sorry, Father!"

"It's all right," Jude said. "So, what does Dad think?"

"Dad, what do you think?" Mikey parroted.

"Dad thinks he's outnumbered and that it's never a bad time for spring rolls!"

"Yay!" Mikey exclaimed. "Chinese food!"

"We'll order it a little later," Connor promised.

"I have to pee," Mikey replied and ran into the small bathroom just a short distance away.

"Chinese food?" Connor asked, keeping his voice low.

"I wanted it," Jude confessed. "You did say anything I wanted for my birthday."

"I don't recall those exact words," Connor mused. Jude poked his thigh with his foot. "But if you want Chinese food you can have Chinese food."

"I know." Jude smiled. "You're the best …" he hesitated.

Connor drew in a breath, waiting for the descriptor.

"… friend ever."

Connor smiled. He should have expected that. 'Friend' was easy and safe; it wasn't untrue to how they were either.

"I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!" Mikey hollered, out of the bathroom. He tripped over his own two feet and half rolled across the carpet but wasn't affected. He sat up by the coffee table and said, "Andrew's gonna call you at seven to talk about the sleepover!"

"All right. We'll be waiting," Jude assured him.

Mikey climbed up on the couch and picked out a TV show for them to watch. Eventually, it got late enough to order Chinese food. When it was time to go pick it up, Mikey went with Connor in the car while Jude stayed home.

"Are we getting Father a cake?" Mikey asked.

"We have leftover cake from Grandmas last night," Connor reminded him.

" _Oh_." Mikey kicked at the seat. He looked out the window; the Chinese place was in view. "Do we have candles?"

"Better," Connor replied. "We have sparklers!"

" _Yes_!" Mikey exclaimed.

They parked in front of the Chinese place and Mikey scrambled out of the car. Mikey beat Connor to the front door of the restaurant and he held the door open for his dad.

"Thank you," Connor said, passing through.

Mikey followed him through the restaurant and up to the pay counter. "Can we get fortune cookies?"

"We've already got some in the bag."

" _Yes!_ "

Connor paid and then he began to herd Mikey back to the car.

"Can I carry something for you, Dad? I'm strong!"

"No, it's all neatly packed up here. Thank you, though. It's very sweet of you to offer."

Mikey darted ahead of Connor, skipping up to the car. He let himself into the backseat. By the time Connor had settled the food on the passenger side floor of his car, Mikey was buckled it.

"My tummy is grumbling," Mikey complained.

"It's a ten minute drive home. Think you can make it?"

"Maybe," Mikey replied seriously.

"Are you buckled in?" Connor asked, turning to face his son.

"Yep!"

"Pull."

Mikey grabbed the seatbelt down by the clasp and yanked on it. Once Connor was satisfied that Mikey was safely buckled in, he drove home to Jude. Mikey hummed under his breath on the drive, making it seem even shorter. When Connor parked the car, Mikey tried to run into the house, but Connor asked Mikey to walk in with him. The little boy was happy to comply, unaware of his dark motives. Connor was nearly one hundred percent sure that Jude would not try to kill himself again, but he left that little bit of doubt, because it had happened once, and Connor didn't think that the fear would ever totally go away. And if those doubts ever came to fruition, Connor would _not_ let Mikey see Jude that way.

But Jude greeted them at the door.

"I thought we'd eat downstairs. Have a more relaxed dinner."

"That sounds good."

"There's fortune cookies!" Mikey informed Jude.

"I love fortune cookies! There's forks and plates already downstairs," Jude informed Connor as he and Mikey headed for the basement.

Connor took the extra few moments to kick off his shoes but he was quick to follow his family down the stairs. Dinner was a happy affair. Mikey put on Jude's favourite Disney movie to watch as they ate, sitting on the floor around their coffee table. Jude and Connor sat at opposite ends of the table while Mikey sat in between them, his back resting against the couch. They were halfway through eating when Jude stretched out his leg under the length of the table to rest his feet against Connor.

With his left hand, Connor reached under the table to tickle the bottom of Jude's feet. He felt Jude curl his toes against his calf and Connor smiled.

"Can we open the fortune cookies now?" Mikey begged, finished eating before Jude or Connor.

"Sure." Connor reached into the plastic bag that their Chinese food had come in. "We have, uh oh, four cookies!"

"We can have a family fortune then. One each and one for all of us."

"Are … are we still a family?" Mikey asked.

"Of course," Jude said, reaching over to hug him with one arm. "We're always _your_ family and that's the most important part."

Mikey smiled. "Okay. Can I open mine now?"

"Go ahead," Jude encouraged him.

Mikey cracked his cookie open and then he frowned at the paper. Slowly he read, "Actions speak louder than words. But, Father, actions don't _talk_."

"It means that sometimes what people do means more than what people say. Because people can say anything –"

"Like lies!"

"Like lies," Jude agreed. "But that people's actions can be more real than words."

Mikey stared at Jude and then looked at Connor. "Dad?"

"Let's say there's a new boy in your class and he says hello to you and tells you he is a nice boy. Then, at recess, you see him push someone off the swings. Is he a nice boy?"

"No," Mikey said immediately. "Nice boys don't push anyone off the swings."

"So even though he _said_ he was nice, he wasn't really, because his _actions_ weren't nice."

"I get it!" Mikey said triumphantly. "What do you think my actions say?"

"I think your actions say that you're a very kind, energetic kid," Connor answered.

"What do you think Father's actions say about him?"

Connor looked to Jude, thinking, _what actions?_ Jude had evolved so much during their years as together; Jude had evolved so much since his suicide attempt, even. Jude's actions now were something more. Jude was soft and quiet; he got tired a lot and he liked relaxing. He liked kissing and physical contact, and he was starting to talk to Connor more and more because he finally felt like Connor was listening. Connor finally felt like he could hold all of Jude's details in his palm again; he felt like he truly knew his husband.

"Father's actions say that he's a caring, sensitive person."

Mikey nodded.

"What do you think they say about him?"

"That he's a good father," Mikey said. "And yours say you're a good dad."

"And all of yours say that you're a good son," Jude complimented him back.

"Open your fortune cookie!" Mikey said excitedly, nudging the treat toward Jude.

"All right," Jude agreed. He opened the wrapper and then cracked the cookie open. "It says ' _follow your heart's desire'_."

Connor's heart leapt when Jude's eyes met his own. It was just a fortune cookie; it could have just as easily been a joke fortune. But, being in the middle of what they were in, it meant a lot to Connor. He was Jude's desire; he and their family, together and happy.

"What about you, Dad?"

Connor opened his own cookie. "Protective measures will prevent costly disasters."

"Practical," Jude commented.

"Well, it never hurts to protective the things that you love the most." Connor felt Jude's toes pick at his jeans.

"Can I open the last cookie?" Mikey asked.

"Go ahead."

Mikey unwrapped it. As slowly as he had read the first one, Mikey said, "Staying close to home is going to be best for your … for your … Father, I don't know that word."

"Sound it out," Connor encouraged him.

Mikey took a deep breath. "Moo-ralley."

"Can I see?" Jude asked. Mikey showed him the tiny piece of paper. "Morale."

 _"Morale_ ," Mikey repeated. "Staying close to home is going to be best for your _morale_ today."

"Home is where the heart is," Jude commented, ruffling Mikey's unruly hair.

Mikey smiled happily. In the quietness of the basement, Jude's cell phone began to ring. It was Andrew calling to talk about the sleepover. At the very thought of it, Mikey hopped up onto the couch cushion, bouncing up and down. Jude put the phone on speaker so that they could talk to the man at the same time.

After they had said their pleasantries, Connor said, "Mikey would prefer to have them over on Saturday night, if that works out for you."

"Sure," Andrew said. "The only issue is Sunday morning. Their mother and I always like to take them to church every week and we always like to go to them ten a.m. services."

"What time would you want to pick them up?" Jude asked.

"Around nine. Mikey and Chris like to get up early, I know that, but you might have to poke JP awake."

"I'll do it!" Mikey volunteered from the couch.

Over the phone, Andrew laughed. "But it all works out for me if you're sure you want to deal with three of them."

"It'll be fun," Jude said. "You can drop them off any time on Saturday afternoon. One of us, at least, will be around."

"All right. It'll probably be around two or three," Andrew replied.

"Sounds good."

"Have a good night," Connor told him.

"You too," Andrew replied, and that was the end of the phone call.

After Jude hung up, it took all of two minutes for Mikey and Jude to convince Connor to go upstairs and get them the leftover cake for Jude, each using different excuses: _"But, Connor, it's my birthday!"_ and _"But, Dad, I'm little!"_. It didn't take much to get Connor up the stairs, dropping slice of cakes into bowls. He took the sparklers and stuck two in Jude's and one in Mikey's slice and then, deciding that he didn't want to be left out, put one in his own piece of cake too. He waited until he got to the bottom of the stairs to light the sparklers, though it took an impressive balancing act on his part to get that done.

"Happy birthday," Connor said again, as he set Jude's dish in front of him.

"Thank you."

"Thank you, Dad," Mikey said, immediately picking up his fork and digging into his cake, even while his sparkler spit flames at him.

The rest of the evening went by quietly. Connor helped Mikey with his math homework and they let him watch cartoons in the basement while he and Jude went up to the kitchen. In tandem, they put away the leftover Chinese food and the dirty dinner dishes.

"Ready for a sleepover on Saturday?" Connor asked.

"I've got time to prepare," Jude joked back. "I'm glad they're coming over here. Mikey usually goes over there … although he did stop going for a while."

"When you were bad?" Connor asked quietly.

Jude nodded, suddenly concentrating too much on the dishwasher. "He doesn't even realize how much he knows. It just hurts me how much he cares."

"Every kid cares about their parent."

"Not every kid _has_ to care as much as Mikey does."

Connor reached out, rubbing his hand along Jude's back. "Mikey would love and care just as much even if you had never had a depressive episode. That's just the kind of kid that Mikey is and you need to know that."

"I …" Jude turned the dirty glass in his hands over and over. "I … don't know what I know."

The glass fell from his hands and shattered on their hardwood floor.

"Come here," Connor said, wrapping his arm around Jude's shoulders. "Come on, walk out of here before you hurt yourself."

Jude remained frozen in place.

"Jude, you don't want to hurt yourself."

"Father, what was that noise?!" Mikey yelled from the basement.

"No," Jude said, walking out of the kitchen. "I don't want to hurt myself."

"We dropped a dish! Don't come upstairs until I get all the shards cleaned up!"

"Okay, Dad!"

"I'm going downstairs," Jude told Connor.

"Okay. I'll come down too once I'm done here."

Jude didn't say anything else. Connor didn't know how to. He got the broom and dustpan from the cupboard and cleaned up the shards of glass. He was overly cautious. He didn't want Mikey to step on anything; he didn't want Jude to find something. It was impossible to say if Jude had dropped the glass because he had been lost in thought or because he thought that the glass would have some painful impact on himself. Connor hated to consider it, but Jude's burnt hand wasn't totally healed yet either. He couldn't read Jude's mind. Jude could want to hurt himself.

Connor took the glass outside to the bin at the end of the driveway. He knew that he couldn't protect Jude from everything that was in their house – if Jude was committed to hurting himself, he would find a way to hurt himself – but just like on the night when he found the razor blades, getting it out of the house made Connor feel a little better. It was a selfish act that brought him enough peace of mind to be what Jude needed him to be.

Connor checked the kitchen floor one more time before going downstairs.

"Is the upstairs safe?" Mikey asked.

"Very safe," Connor assured him. "Safe enough for you to go to bed."

Connor thought that Mikey would fight him on the suggestion, but instead, he just nodded.

"I'm tired," he said. He clambered onto Jude's back. "It's bedtime, Father."

Jude closed his eyes and Connor thought that Jude looked a little worn out. They would have to continue talking about Mikey once they put the boy himself to bed. Connor didn't necessarily want to, since he knew that it stressed Jude out, but he couldn't let Jude dwell either. And Connor knew, by the flat look on Jude's face, that he was dwelling.

Jude opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He stood up, Mikey on his back like a monkey, and then jogged up the stairs. Connor followed them, as was expected. Jude carted Mikey off to the bathroom and then back to the bedroom to put on his pyjamas. Connor curled up at the end of the bed while Mikey crawled to the wall side. Jude sat on the edge and picked up the chapter book that they'd been working their way through piece by piece. Sometimes, they got through the chapter and they left Mikey to go to sleep by himself. Tonight, Mikey fell asleep before Jude finished the chapter.

Jude stuck Mikey's dragon bookmark back inside the book. He sat up, making sure that his son was tucked in under the blankets and was comfortably resting on the pillows. Connor followed Jude out of the room and herded them into their bedroom. He didn't know where to start.

"I dropped the glass because my fingers slipped," Jude said. "I know what you were thinking."

"I'm worried."

"I know." Jude sat down on the bed. "But it means you care."

"I do care. And Mikey cares. But he's not suffering because of it or because of you, okay?"

Jude looked down. "I hurt people."

"No, you don't." Connor sat next to him. "Everyone has points where they hurt others or do things that they're not proud of. That doesn't make you a bad person. You're not even close to being a bad person. You're going through a hard time. And reacting to everything that's been going on is confusing and hard. You might have reacted badly in some ways but you're not a burden and you're not hurting anyone in trying to figure it out. I just don't want you to hurt _you_ anymore than you already have."

Connor picked up Jude's hand and kissed his knuckles.

"You always know what to say," Jude murmured. "I wish I was more like you."

Connor shook his head. "No, you don't. I'm a workaholic and I don't know how to pay attention to the important things. Sometimes I get a little paranoid and blame people for things that they don't actually do. I spent a lot of time wishing that I was more like you."

"Why? Why would you wish something like that?"

"Because you're smart and handsome and people care about you. You just seem to _get_ things. I don't know. It's hard to explain. You're sweet and … I wish I could see the world the way that you do. I wish the world could see me the way that it sees you."

Jude smiled and Connor felt his heart lift.

"Tell me how you feel right now?"

"I feel …" Jude looked around the room. "I'm not sure. In my head, I know you're right. In my heart though, I feel like there is something wrong with me and that you're just being nice to me."

"Me? Nice to you? Never."

Jude smiled.

"You know … I have one more trick up my sleeve for your birthday. If you want it."

"Yeah, I do. What is it?"

"I was thinking, actually, about all of those back massages that I used to give you."

"My favourite thing."

"So … maybe get ready for bed and then we can do that again?"

Jude nodded. He looked to his bathroom, about to get up, and then he looked back at Connor. He leant over and hugged his husband tightly.

"Thank you for my birthday," Jude said.

"I know that I didn't do anything big or flashy –"

Jude was shaking his head. "No, _no_. It all meant something. It's all perfect."

Connor kissed his cheek. "I wanted it to be worthy of you."

Jude hugged him extra tightly and then headed off to the master bathroom to get ready for bed. Connor did as well and he moved as quickly as he could, so that he was sitting on the bed when Jude came back into the bedroom. He was carrying his bandages and the antiseptic cream and Connor changed them. Jude's hand was healing, but the healing wasn't pretty. He wrapped it up again.

"Back massage!" Jude announced.

Connor smiled because Jude seemed happy and excited about this, just the way that Connor had hoped that he would be.

"We used to do this with your shirt off," Connor said, as Jude went to lay down.

Jude's hand drifted to his ribs. "I … didn't use to have these either."

"You know I don't care."

"How could you not care?" Jude asked, although he wasn't demanding. He was just curious.

"I care that you hurt yourself," Connor said. "But I don't care about the scars. They don't make you any less, Jude."

Jude fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

Jude looked up at him. "Just a back massage. No roaming hands."

"I would never –"

"Do you know how long we've been married?" Jude interrupted. "I know you."

"Fine … Fine. I promise. Just a back massage." As Jude took his shirt off, Connor added, "I can't promise not to stare."

"You won't have much to look at," Jude replied, and then he laid down on his stomach.

Connor straddled Jude's lower back and then reached to his shoulders. Slowly, he began to massage Jude's warm skin. The moment Jude felt his hands, he relaxed into the mattress.

"This is what I missed about you."

Connor laughed. "Only this?"

"Maybe a couple of others things too." Jude sighed contentedly. "But this is _really_ high up on the list."

"I missed this too," Connor confessed.

He had missed just being able to touch him. Connor had missed the innocence of moments like this, where it was just the softness of Jude's skin under his palms and the sigh of his breath. Connor brought his hands up to the top of Jude's shoulders, rubbing at his tense shoulder blades. He watched Jude's eyes drift shut. He moved his hands in a systematic way, trying to leave no part of Jude's skin untouched. His hands drifted down to Jude's ribs. He felt goosebumps on his husband's skin and Connor pressed a little harder, trying to keep from tickling him. Still, Jude felt awkward and stiff under his hands as one of them touched his scars.

It was impossible to ignore the different textures of Jude's sides and Connor found himself touching them to compare the two.

"Does it hurt?" Connor asked.

"No. That's why there's more than one of them." Jude hid his face in the pillow.

"Oh, Jude," Connor murmured, because he didn't know what else to say. He let the pads of his fingers trace down Jude's ribs again. His right hand slipped down the smooth skin easily, but his left hand bumped over the reminders of Jude's pain.

"Stop," Jude whimpered. "It's disgusting; I'm sorry."

"It's not. You're not."

Connor leant forward and pressed a kiss to Jude's bare shoulder blade. He slipped off of Jude and, immediately, Jude sat up to grab his t-shirt. Connor stayed still, watching the way his body moved as he dressed himself again. Jude curled up on his side, tucking his scarred side against the bed.

"Did I upset you?" Connor asked.

"A little. It's not that they hurt. It's just that I don't want to have them anymore. And then, other times, I think I want to do it again."

"Can I lay down with you?"

Jude nodded.

Connor tucked himself in beside Jude and then he reached a hand out around Jude's waist, pulling the other man into him.

"What do you mean by want to hurt yourself?"

"Not like I want to go and grab something to do it with right now. It feels like an itch under my skin. It says that things will be better if I do it. That I'll calm down. That I'll be as in control of everything that I want to be. In my head, I know that's not true. Because I know I hate myself even more afterward."

Connor pressed his lips to the back of Jude's exposed neck. "You'd tell me if you were going to, wouldn't you? You'd let me help you?"

Jude nodded. "I'd want your help."

"Jude, your scars don't bother me."

"It bothers me. I never should have … But I did. And I hate it."

"I'm sorry." Connor thought that he should have something better to say. He should be able to comfort Jude more.

Jude cuddled into him further.

"Anything you want?"

Jude shook his head. "What about you?"

"Well … there's something that would be nice."

Jude turned around in his arms so that they were face to face. He brought his hand up to touch Connor's face, tracing down to the jawline.

"You know I want to kiss you."

Connor shook his head. "It's a bit bigger than that."

Jude looked at him distrustfully. "Sex? It's not that I don't want you, Connor, it's that –"

"It's bigger than that, Jude."

"Then … What do you …?"

Connor slipped his hand against Jude's scars. He'd touched them before, but not after he and Jude had talked about them like this. He let his hand wander around Jude's ribs like he had been before. "I want you to trust me."

"I do."

Connor shook his head. "You want to. And I think you do on most things. You trust me not to leave you … emotionally or otherwise. But … you don't trust me on other things."

"Do you trust me on everything?" Jude asked.

"I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely."

"So when I go back to school and find another job and a male co-worker and I become friends and go out for drinks after work, what are you going to say?"

"Have fun."

"Last time you said something like 'don't come home tonight, you cheating bastard'. And I did. And you slept on the futon. And then we didn't speak again until … Mikey had a sleepover and I threw … _something_ at you."

"Bologna. I said I was hungry after you came home from grocery shopping." Connor bit down on the inside of his cheek. "It's not the same anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you love me."

"I loved you then, too. I just didn't particularly _like_ the person you became."

"Yeah, but then I was convinced you were trying to not love me anymore. That you wanted out. And I know that you did, now, because living the way that we were living wasn't good for anyone. I'm sorry. But you love me. And you want to be with me. And I'm going to stay the person that you want to be with. So, go out with your friends without me. Male, female, both, neither, one-on-one or with five hundred other people. I don't care. Because it's just me that you'll come home too and I'm more sure of that now than I ever was then of you cheating on me."

"Convincing speech," Jude murmured. "And it's not that I think you're lying to me about how you feel about all of this or about the scars. I guess that I see things differently. I hate it and I hate them and I hate me for doing it and having them. And I just don't understand why you don't see things the same way that I do."

Jude closed his eyes tightly. Connor leant forward and kissed his forehead. He kissed his cheekbones and the flesh of his cheeks and his nose and the tip of his chin. Jude grabbed Connor around the waist and held him tightly as Connor continued kissing his face until he felt that Jude had calmed down. Connor didn't let go. He didn't want to let go.

"I love you. No matter how many scars you do or don't have. I just don't want you to hurt."

Jude kissed Connor's Adam's apple. "I want to feel better. I'm trying. Thank you for coming back to us."

"I never wanted to stay away. I'm sorry, Jude."

"It's okay," Jude soothed him. "We're going to be okay."

"I know. I trust us."

"Can I kiss you now?"

"Please."

Jude tilted his head up and Connor shifted to press his lips against his husband's. Jude's eyes fluttered shut as he kissed Connor back. Connor ran his thumb over Jude's scars again but there was no reaction from Jude to pull Connor closer. Baby steps, baby steps, but always in the right direction.

"Thank you," Connor said, as they moved away from one another, "for letting me come back."

"I never wanted you to stay away," Jude replied.

Connor laid down against his pillow and Jude curled into him again. As Jude drifted off, Connor moved his hand down to Jude's left. The bandages were getting thinner and thinner as they wounds healed. Soon, Jude wouldn't need them at all. Connor found his fingers fumbling around Jude's empty ring finger. Jude hadn't even said that he wanted Connor to stay forever; he hadn't moved back in. A ring wasn't something that he should even think about bringing up. But the more Connor thought about it, the heavier Connor's ring felt.

He wanted to come home. He wanted it to be home for good. He wanted the apartment to be gone; he wanted it to be a distant memory. He knew that Jude knew that, which is why he wasn't sure how to say any of it more clearly. Connor dropped Jude's hand and curled his arm more protectively against Jude's waist. It would come with time.

And Connor was sure that it would come.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **The Only One**_ **by James Blunt;** _ **Another Try**_ **by Josh Turner featuring Trisha Yearwood;** _ **If This Was A Movie**_ **by Taylor Swift (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	18. I'm High But I'm Grounded

" _DAD! FATHER!"_ Mikey screamed. " _THEY'RE HERE!_ "

Upstairs, Connor shut his laptop. He went down into front entrance hall where JP and Chris had already kicked off their shoes and were racing into the basement. JP was yelling about something and Mikey was yelling, although Chris was quiet. It wasn't unusual. He was a quiet kid, and Connor often wondered how he managed to function around two forces as strong as JP and Mikey. Connor wasn't concerned about him though. He knew that he was tough too.

"We'll see you tomorrow morning," Jude was saying to Andrew.

The man, about seven years their senior, nodded. "Bye, boys!"

Andrew's shout echoed through the walls, but he got a lackluster _'bye, Dad'_ in return.

"Well, I feel loved," Andrew said sarcastically.

"Kids," Connor said with an eye roll.

"Kids," Andrew agreed. "I'll see you all tomorrow morning."

Jude and Connor said goodbye to him and Jude shut the front door.

"What do we do with three kids?" Connor asked.

"Cry," Jude replied flatly.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked. "I thought this week has been pretty good so far …"

"It has been. And I'm fine." Jude looked apprehensively toward the basement steps. "But this is new again. And I'm still a little stressed out by new things."

"You can handle this," Connor said. "I know you can."

"Well, that's why I've got you," Jude replied confidently. "Between the two of us, we can do it."

"Game plan, then. I'll go see if they want snacks."

"Try and herd them into the backyard. The more tired they make themselves the easier our lives will be, right?"

"Right!"

(-.-)

"Mr. Jude, can you pass me the garlic bread, please?"

Jude passed the bread basket over to Chris, who quietly thanked him. Connor focused on JP, who was arguing with Mikey.

"Goalie is boring."

"Goalie is _fun_."

"Running around is _fun_."

"Movies," Chris interrupted, "are fun."

"Movies _are_ fun," Mikey agreed.

"Have you thought about you want to watch tonight?" Connor asked the trio.

Mikey and JP exchanged glances and they looked at Chris.

"Chris is best at picking movies," JP boasted.

"I like when Chris picks," Mikey said at nearly the same time.

Chris poked at his lasagna, though there was a smile on his face.

"Well, we have all kinds of movies," Connor said. "You've seen Mikey's big collection downstairs. What were you thinking of, Chris?"

"Something funny!" JP said.

" _Action!_ " Mikey decided.

"Family stories," Chris added after thinking for a moment.

"We can find one with all of them. I _know_ there is," Mikey said confidently.

Connor smiled at Jude over the dinner table.

"You know what I also know there is, Dad?"

"And what would that be?"

Mikey smiled in a devilish way. "I know there's chocolate pudding in the fridge!"

JP's brown eyes went wide. Connor swore he'd never met another kid as attached to food as JP was.

"Are you finished with your supper?"

Mikey nodded.

"Doesn't look like you're finished," Jude said.

Mikey looked down at his plate, stuck the rest of his lasagna on his fork, and shoved the entirety of the bite in his mouth.

"Don't choke!"

"I'm fine, Dad!" Mikey stuck out his tongue to show his empty mouth.

"Did you guys get enough?" Jude asked the twins.

"Yes," they answered in near unison.

"Would you like dessert?" Connor asked.

"Yes, please!" the three kids answered.

"Let's carry your plates into the kitchen and then we can get pudding out of the fridge, okay?" Jude suggested.

With lightning speed, the six-year-olds grabbed their dirty dishes and padded into the kitchen. JP and Chris copied Mikey and put their dishes up on the counter. As Connor placed his and Jude's plates on the counter, Jude opened the fridge door and to reveal the homemade chocolate pudding that he and Connor had prepared.

"Father, can we eat our pudding in the basement? We want to start the movie." Mikey bounced up onto the balls of his feet, grinning crookedly.

"Sure. But take napkins down with you."

At Jude's prompt, Connor grabbed some paper towel off the roll and handed it to Mikey. Mikey clenched his pudding in one hand and napkins in the other. He waited for his best friends to have their desserts and then the three of them thundered down the steps back into the basement to start their movie night.

"Let's put these away so we don't have to deal with them later," Jude said, reaching for the dirty dishes.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me for a minute?"

Jude turned around, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Always. We talk when we need to."

"I just wanted to check on you. Today has been busier than they usually are for you. I don't know why they think you're the fun one."

"Because I _am_ the fun one. And you couldn't do a puzzle to save your life." Jude teased.

"They all look the same!"

"They're, like, twenty piece puzzles!" Jude let out a small laugh, but then he answered Connor's question seriously, "I'm good, though. But I think I'm going to have to go to bed when they do. I'm tired."

"We still have to make up the pullout bed downstairs for them to sleep on."

"We'll do that when they finish this movie," Jude decided. "I don't want to get in their way when they're having fun."

"So, what do we do after the dishes?" Connor asked, taking a small step toward him.

"Start our own movie?" Jude suggested. "Unless you have another idea."

Connor let himself walk up to Jude, pinning his husband against the countertop. Jude looked down at him.

"There's three kids –"

" _Downstairs_. One kiss, please."

"I can't say no to that."

Jude was smiling as he pressed his lips to Connor's. Connor leant into Jude and Jude put his hands on Connor's hips. His fingers wrapped around Connor's belt loops and pulled him closer. Connor was more than willing to kiss him senseless, but he knew that the kitchen wasn't the best place to be doing that. Still, he couldn't resist one more taste of Jude's lips.

"Dishes," Connor prompted.

"I won't drop any this time," Jude promised.

"It's been almost a week, Jude. You can stop saying that." Connor picked up one of Jude's hands and kissed his knuckles. "It's okay."

Jude nodded quickly. "It makes me feel a little better to say it, though. Like a reminder to keep focused."

"I understand. Anything else I can do to help you?"

"You do more than enough, Connor. I should pay more attention to you." Jude made a face, like he was thinking about it, and then turned to open the dishwasher.

Connor leant his weight on his hand, propping himself up against the counter. "Does that mean you'll plan date number three?"

Jude glanced at him over his shoulder and raised his eyebrows. "And when did I say I wanted date number three?"

Connor grabbed one of the dish towels from the counter and smacked it against Jude's butt. Jude straightened up, almost indignantly, but he and Connor just ended up grinning at one another. Connor snapped the towel in the air.

"Date number three?" he asked innocently.

Jude laughed. "You make a convincing argument."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes. I will figure out a date number three for us. Something not food themed this time. Something more exciting."

"You're brilliant. You'll figure it out."

Jude made a noise in the back of his throat. "Now, will you stop being lazy and put the glasses in the dishwasher?"

"Bossy." Connor waited until Jude turned away from him and then used the towel again, aiming for his back right jeans pocket. "I like it."

Jude laughed. "Glasses, Casanova."

"Buzzkill," Connor muttered under his breath, although he started moving the dirty dishes from the counter to the dishwasher.

"Make up your mind," Jude said, "Do you like bossy or not?"

"I just like you."

Connor tilted his head as Jude kissed his cheek briefly. They completed their task with smiles on their faces and then they settled in the living room to watch TV there. They only had a small, old TV set in the living room – another leftover from Adam's passing – and it wasn't often used. Jude didn't want to go upstairs quite yet, though; he didn't want to until the boys were tucked in. If they needed something now, they'd run upstairs and find him and Connor in bed together. Connor understood his concern without much explaining and they sat on the living room couch. After just over an hour of flipping through channels, Mikey appeared.

"Dad, Father?"

"Yeah?" Connor asked.

"We want juice, please."

"I'll grab it," Connor said, but Jude also stood.

"Is your movie over?"

Mikey nodded. "But we want to watch another one!"

"I know. And you can. I was just thinking that I should make up the pullout bed downstairs. If you guys still want to sleep down there."

" _Father_." Mikey rolled his eyes. "We _always_ sleep down there. We're not scaredy-cats."

"I know. I'm just reminding you that you have options. I'm going to go upstairs and get blankets and pillows for you. Don't start any movies until I'm done, okay?"

"Okay!"

When Connor carried the juice boxes downstairs, Jude had already pulled out the couch and was busy fitting a sheet over the wide mattress. He quickly distributed the juice boxes between the kids and helped Jude make the bed. Between the two of them, soon the bed was made and everyone was piling into it. JP threw himself in the middle of the bed before Chris and Mikey could so much as lift the covers. Mikey clambered under the covers on the side closest to the stairs while Chris hunkered down next to his brother. Connor had to laugh at the sight – Mikey and Chris were almost the exact same height, but JP was short compared to the two other kids and he looked incredibly small with the way that he was laying.

"Need anything?" Jude asked them.

Chris and JP shook their heads.

"Dad, will you pass the remote?"

"Sure." Connor handed it over and then kissed his son's head. "Father's feeling tired, so I think he's going to go to bed and I'm going to go up to the office."

Mikey looked at him, concerned, and then his gaze landed on Jude. Whispering, he asked, "Is Father feeling sick right now?"

"He's just tired. But I'm going to go upstairs in case he gets sick, okay? If you need us, either come up or yell extra loud."

"Okay!" Mikey said. "Goodnight, Dad. Goodnight, Father. I love you."

They each told Mikey that they loved him, and then they said goodnight to the twins. Together, Jude and Connor climbed up the stairs, leaving lights on as they went. There was a tiny bathroom in the basement, so they didn't really expect for anyone to be journeying upstairs before morning, but just in case someone needed them, Jude and Connor wanted to make sure that it wasn't dark. Even though Connor had told Mikey he was going to the office, he joined Jude in the bedroom.

Jude dramatically flopped onto the bed, taking up most of the space.

"Come on, make room for me," Connor said, prodding at his side.

"Nope. I'm comfy here."

"I'll lay on you," Connor threatened, but Jude didn't take him seriously. "You'll eventually have to make room for me."

Jude turned his head to the side. "Not tonight, Connor."

Connor straightened up, pulling his hand away from Jude. "Did I do something?"

"No, no, nothing like that." Jude sat up. "But if they need something, they'll probably send in Mikey. And I don't want to confuse him by having us sleep in the same bed. I know he explained it away that night he had a bad dream but he won't always do that for us."

"It makes sense." Connor looked down at their dark blue comforter, picking at one of the seams.

"What?" Jude asked.

"It's just easy to forget that we're not … real, yet."

"We're real," Jude said, reaching for him. "Connor, we're _real_."

"You won't let me come back," Connor whispered before he could stop himself.

"What does that mean? You're here. You never go anywhere else. I _like_ you being here," Jude said, as if that would answer everything.

Connor shook his head. "I still have the apartment."

"Yeah –"

"And we've never said anything about getting rid of it."

"It's only November. That would feel like an absolute and, I'm sorry, Connor, but I just _can't_ have that right now. I can't –"

"Commit?"

"Please stop interrupting me!"

"I'm sorry." Connor went back to staring at the comforter.

"Connor, I _am_ committed to you. I _am_ committed to making this work."

"We act like there's no holdback. We kiss and go out and flirt and go to sleep next to each other every night. We pay our bills and talk and make dinner together. The only things we're _not_ doing is having sex and telling everyone that we're not getting a divorce. So, tell me, please, why do we have to keep pretending that we're moving through sludge?"

"I … If you were this unhappy, you should have told me."

"No!" Connor looked up. "I'm not unhappy, Jude. I promise."

"Then what is this?" Jude asked.

"Sometimes it's hard for me to understand your point of view. I'm just confused right now."

Jude's eyes never left Connor's face. "We talked about this on my birthday. I'm waiting. I need to see if we can really do this. This is the beginning all over again. The beginning always works. It's the middle that needs all the work."

"How long until we get to the middle?"

"I don't _know_. I'm sorry, I can't do any more than that. I'm _sorry."_

"I just need to make sure you're putting all that you can into this. Because if you're holding back then we're never going to make it that far."

"I'm not holding anything back, I promise. I just … I need to be sure. I can't go through that again and you can't go through that again and we can't put Mikey through that again."

Connor nodded. Jude's hands cupped his face and Jude held his head so that they were looking at one another. Connor let his jaw rest heavily against Jude's palm.

"I want you," Jude added. "I really want you."

"I really want you too," Connor replied.

"And I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude leant forward and kissed him. Connor let the kiss last only a moment before he gathered Jude up in his arms. He just wanted to be held right now. Jude rocked him back and forth for several long minutes, and then he tugged Connor toward the head of the bed. Jude propped himself up against the pillows and Connor sprawled himself across Jude. They didn't need to say anything. Connor was content to listen to Jude's heartbeat, even as Jude turned on the TV and flicked it over to one of their usual channels. It was more for background noise, as Connor could tell that Jude was paying more attention to him than to the TV.

"Connor?"

"Mhm?"

"Are you okay with still having the apartment, though? I mean, I know I've kind of been setting the pace and being a little dictator-like. I'm listening to you. I swear."

"I'm okay," Connor said. "I would prefer not to have it, since it's costing money. Which seems like a more practical thing to say than 'it feels like a jinx'."

"Are you superstitious now?" Jude joked.

"It's a good thing Mikey wants a red dog, not a black cat," Connor teased in return.

"If you really want to get rid of it, I won't say 'no'. I just feel better knowing that you have somewhere to go, like a safety net, if something happens where you don't want to be here anymore."

"The thing about being all in," Connor said, "is that I'm going to stick around here and work through things, no matter how bad things look."

"And I want you to stay. But things are unpredictable."

"I know." Connor squeezed his arms around Jude's middle. "I think that the holidays are pretty stressful. So, I'll keep it until after Christmas, at least. And New Year's. Maybe we can talk about subletting it around February."

"That sounds like a reasonable plan. Anything else on your mind?"

Connor went to shake his head then he paused. "Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"No matter what happens, we should give Mikey a good Christmas. We shouldn't make any big changes before or too close to the holidays."

"Why do we get complicated around Christmas?"

"I don't know," Connor answered. "Hold me a little tighter."

Jude clenched his arms tightly around Connor, even as Connor shifted to a more comfortable position. He rested his back against Jude's chest, his head near Jude's shoulder. One of Jude's arms wrapped low on his waist while one stretched under his arm, high on his chest and over his shoulder. He was anchored to Jude and he liked that. He liked being held to him. Jude kissed the side of his head and Connor snuggled closer to him. Connor let each of his arms rest along Jude's and he held each of his husband's hands. Jude rested his chin on the top of Connor's head.

"Worried about Mikey bursting in on us like this?" Connor asked.

"A little. But I figure he's loud enough on the stairs that we'll hear him coming and you can move over to your side before the door opens."

"My side," Connor murmured.

"Are you still thinking about your apartment?"

"No … kind of … I belong here, Jude."

"I know you do." Jude tightened his arms even further. "Give us some more time."

"Okay." Connor tuned his head, hiding his face against Jude's side.

"You're disappointed," Jude observed.

"No. I understand you now and that's what I wanted. I'm feeling a little impatient, I guess."

"Can I do anything else for you?" Jude asked.

"I just want to stay like this for a while."

"We can do that."

Jude kissed the top of his head again. Connor took a deep breath, smelling nothing but his husband. This was real. They were real. The world didn't _need_ to know.

But it would be really nice if they did.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Up For Now**_ **by KING (reader recommended);** _ **Where We Came From**_ **by Phillip Phillips.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	19. I'm Green But I'm Wise

"Hey, Jude? Jude … Jude. _Jude!_ "

Connor looked at Jude, who was curled up in the armchair. He had headphones in because Connor had been on the phone with his boss scheduling meetings for the rest of November. Now, though, Connor had hung up the phone and he needed to ask Jude something.

 _"Jude_."

No response.

Connor pushed himself out of his office chair and took the few steps over to the armchair. Jude didn't move as he approached; he was completely absorbed in the forensics show that he was watching. Connor placed his hands on Jude's shoulders and Jude jumped at the touch. He sucked in a deep breath and ripped his earbuds from his ears.

"Connor! You _scared_ me!"

"It's not my fault you can't hear over those headphones."

Jude rolled his eyes. "Are you done with the phone?"

"I'm done with the phone," Connor confirmed. "I'm hungry. I'm going to go make a sandwich."

"I want one too."

"Then come keep me company."

Connor had just pulled Jude up from the armchair when the phone started ringing. Jude grabbed the landline that sat on the end of Connor's desk and answered it.

"Hello?"

Connor watched Jude's face as whoever it was on the other end spoke.

"It's Coach Roberto," Jude mouthed at Connor before returning his attention to the phone. "What's going on, Coach?"

Connor frowned and checked his cell phone clock. School had let out for Mikey barely ten minutes ago. He should be having fun at soccer right now. Unless something had happened to him. Connor stared at Jude's face, watching as Jude's face went from one of shock to concern.

"Mikey did _what_?! No, I … have no idea what's going on. We'll be right in, Coach, I'm sorry … Yeah, see you soon." Jude put the phone down with a smack. "We have to go."

Connor hustled down the stairs after Jude. "What's going on?"

"Mikey attacked Chris and JP."

"He _what_!?"

Jude shoved his feet into his sneakers. "You drive."

"Okay." Connor snatched the keys from the front door hook. "So, what did Coach say happened?"

"He didn't know," Jude said. They got into the car to start driving and Jude continued. "Coach said that everything went normally. They were all out on the field, Mikey asked to play goalie, so Coach let him. He said he was organizing the other kids and the three of them went over to the goal like always. He looked up when he heard yelling. He said Mikey was going after JP and Chris. He said that Mikey got a few hard hits in before he pried them apart."

"But _why_?" Connor asked, signalling into the school's parking lot.

"I don't know."

"They're his best friends."

"That I know," Jude said.

They pulled up next to the soccer field. It was easy to pick out Mikey, who was sulking on the bench behind Coach. JP and Chris were already tucked under Andrew's arms on a bench down the field from Mikey. Jude and Connor got out of their car and quickly walked down the field. Mikey looked up and when he saw them, a scowl crossed his face. He crossed his skinny arms over his chest and looked away from everyone.

Coach met them at the edge of the field.

"What happened?" Connor asked before Coach could say anything.

Coach shrugged. "I asked Mikey why, but he won't talk to me. Chris and JP wouldn't tell me what was going on either. They were just talking and messing around like they always were. It didn't look like anything was going on."

Connor looked at Mikey, who hadn't moved an inch. "It's not like him."

"I know," Coach said.

"Jude! Connor!"

The two looked up as Andrew approached, looking concerned as any father would.

"I thought you said that the sleepover went fine," Andrew said, his voice heated.

"It did. Mikey was happy on Sunday. He didn't want them to leave," Jude recalled.

"And they were obviously fine at school yesterday," Connor pointed out.

Coach nodded. "I saw them first thing. No troubles at all."

"Did Chris and JP say anything about what had happened?" Connor asked.

Andrew looked back at his sons, who were debating heavily between themselves. The expressions on their young faces were that of two much older people. JP's face was set sternly, though Chris kept glancing over at Mikey, before bending his head and shifting closer to his twin.

"Not really. They said that they couldn't tell."

"Couldn't tell?" Jude repeated.

"They said it would be mean to Mikey. Which doesn't make sense. Because _Mikey_ hit them. Not the other way around."

"We haven't talked to him yet," Connor said. "I don't know what it is, though. He … he wasn't any different yesterday or this morning."

"I'm going to take them home, now," Andrew said. "Until we get this figured out, though, I don't want them hanging out with Mikey. If he's going to be violent toward them, I can't stand for that."

"Let's not turn it into something bigger than it is until we know for sure," Connor said quickly. "We'll talk to him, you talk to them, and we'll call when we figure something out.""

"Yeah," Andrew murmured. "I'll talk to you later, then."

"Bye."

Andrew walked off and Coach drew a breath.

"I know he loves soccer, but it's best if you take him home now," Coach suggested.

"Probably," Jude agreed. "Sorry about this, Coach."

"I just hope everyone's okay."

"We'll see," Connor said under his breath.

They approached Mikey, who turned more and more rigid the closer that they got.

"It's time to go home," Connor said. "We'll talk about this when we get there."

"I don't want to talk to _you_ about anything," Mikey said.

"Mi –" Connor started, but he cut himself off.

Mikey had thrown himself from the bench and was racing up the hill to where their car was parked. He opened the car door himself and climbed in. Connor looked to Jude, but Jude was shaking his head.

"I have no idea."

They had just driven out of the school parking lot, when Jude turned around in the passenger seat to face Mikey.

"Are you okay?"

"You don't care."

Jude deflated against the passenger seat. "I do, Mikey. You're all I care about."

Mikey didn't respond to that. He just stared out the window. After a while, Jude turned back around to face out the front windshield. It wasn't long before they were pulling back into their driveway. Jude kept pace with Mikey as the six-year-old marched himself to the front door. Once they were all inside, Connor and Jude herded Mikey into the living room.

"You have to talk to us," Connor said.

"No!"

"What happened?" Jude crouched in front of him. "This isn't like you."

Mikey stepped backward, away from him.

"Chris and JP are your best friends," Connor said.

"They're liars!" Mikey shouted. "And I _hate_ them."

"What did they lie about?" Jude asked.

Mikey was furious, but silent. His freckled face went bright red as he sucked in a breath and held it.

"Hate's a strong word," Connor added.

"I _hate_ you too. You're a liar!" Mikey yelled. "You and Father. I _hate_ you!"

"We don't mean to lie to you," Jude said soothingly. "What's going on? We'll tell you the truth now. I promise."

"I hate you! I hate you!" Mikey yelled, but he was staring beyond Jude, at Connor. "I hate you most!"

"What did I do?" Connor asked.

"Why did you come back?" Mikey cried. "I want you to go away!"

"Mikey," Jude murmured. "That's not fair. What's going on?"

"Chris told JP that he saw Dad kiss you!" Mikey shrieked. "But you only kiss people you love and you said you don't love each other anymore! _You said it!"_

"Mikey," Jude said, reaching out toward him, but Mikey hit his hand away.

" _NO!_ I hate you! I hate everyone!"

With that, he tore from the room and thundered up the stars. Jude and Connor heard them door slam behind him. Jude collapsed to his knees on the floor and Connor dropped down next to him.

"What do we do?" Jude whispered. "How could we do that to him?"

"It's not like we meant to hurt him," Connor said quickly. "But what do we say to him now?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to do at all." Jude closed his eyes.

Connor reached out to put his arm around Jude's shoulders, but Jude shifted away from him. Connor let his arm fall back to his side.

"We can't leave him alone. We can't." Jude stood up.

Connor followed suit. "It's okay, Jude."

"It's not," Jude replied stonily.

He walked up the stairs, leaving Connor to trail in his wake. They stood in the hall as Jude knocked on Mikey's door.

"Go away!"

"We just want to talk to you. Let us explain what Chris saw, okay? We didn't mean to hurt you or confuse you, we promise."

"Go away!"

"Hiding away won't solve anything," Connor said. "We want to talk to you. We want to know what you're thinking as much as we want you to know what we're thinking."

"I hate you," Mikey yelled. "Go away!"

Connor looked helplessly at Jude, who shrugged back.

"I'm sorry," Jude apologized.

"Make Dad leave," Mikey ordered.

Connor sat down on the top stair, his eyes never leaving Jude. Jude turned his back on Connor and leant against the wall, his head by Mikey's door.

"It wouldn't be fair to do that without talking about everything first," Jude said. "Can we come in?"

"I want Dad to go away."

Jude glanced at Connor briefly and Connor's heart started beating rapidly.

"What if I just came in?" Jude proposed. "Just you and me?"

Connor started indignantly. Mikey was _his_ son too. He needed to be a part of this as much as Jude needed to.

"No Dad."

"I'm sorry," Jude whispered. "As soon as I can get him to let you in, I will."

"I'm staying here," Connor said, making himself comfortable on the steps.

Jude nodded, and then he let himself into Mikey's room. He left the door ajar so that Connor would be able to hear what was going on, and Connor shifted so that he could the little sliver of the room that was left exposed. He saw the very edge of Mikey's shoulder as the little boy was curled up on his bed.

"Hey," Jude said. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm mad," Mikey said.

"Can I sit on the bed with you?"

Mikey didn't say anything, but Jude sat at the very end of the bed.

"Do you want to tell me what happened at soccer today?"

Mikey sighed.

"Please? I can't help if I don't know exactly what's going on."

"JP and Chris and me were at the net. And … and JP said he had to tell me something. Something that Chris saw. 'Cause on Saturday, when we were eating our pudding, Chris needed another napkin. So he went upstairs. And then he came back. And JP said when he went upstairs, he saw you and Dad kiss in the kitchen. But I _knew_ they were lying. And only mean people lie."

"Did you hit them?"

"Yeah. Because they were lying!"

"That's no reason to hit someone. And … JP and Chris didn't lie to you, Mikey."

"W-what do you mean?"

"Dad did kiss me."

"You said you weren't going to be married anymore!"

On the step, Connor held his breath. Was Jude going to tell Mikey the truth? If he was, Connor deserved to be there. This wasn't news that Jude should have to figure out how to deliver alone. Connor didn't think that Mikey would take it well, if only because it was confusing; if only because it would take time to understand.

"I know."

"Are you lying about that?!"

"No, we weren't lying when we said that. Sit down, please. This is going to get a little complicated, okay?"

There was silence, before Connor heard the thump of his son sitting down on the mattress. "Okay, Father."

"Feelings are hard. And I know you know that."

"Uh-huh."

"Sometimes feelings can look like one thing but not another thing. Dad kissed me but it wasn't a kiss like we were still married. It was just something … friendly. Just like a hug."

"I don't get it."

"It wasn't a big kiss. We weren't lying when we said that we were getting a divorce."

"Were you lying when you said he would go back to his apartment?"

"No."

"Then I want him to go now."

"Mikey, he's your dad."

"I don't want him here."

"Why?"

"He makes things confusing. I hate him."

"Shh, hate's a big word. You might not like him right now. And it's okay to not like either of us sometimes. Parents are people too and we don't always get it right. You're allowed to yell and scream if you need to. We just want you to be able to tell us what's on your mind."

"I want Dad to go away."

Outside on the step, Connor hung his head so low that it almost touched his knees. His poor son. But Connor couldn't leave. It would be better for Mikey, in the long run, to have him say, as confusing and hurtful that it might be right now. Connor wasn't going to give into the whims of a six-year-old and give up his family. It tore him apart on the inside to hear Mikey say that he hated him, though; it killed him that Mikey _wanted_ him to go away. He knew that both of those phrases were characteristic of raising a kid, and that he would likely have to hear them at least once throughout Mikey's life, but he had expected them to first rise during a petty argument when Mikey was a teenager. Not now; not when Connor was actually doing something that was causing his son pain and anxiety. Connor had never expected to do that to his son at all.

"I don't think that would be fair," Jude said.

"Why not? It's _my_ house. Not _his_ house. He has an apartment."

"He moved back in for a reason, remember?"

"You're sick," Mikey whispered, as if it were a new realization. "Am I making you sicker, Father?"

"No, no, of course you're not. I don't want it to feel like I'm not listening to you, Mikey. I can see why you'd be mad and confused right now and I understand why you'd want him to move out. I'd like Dad to stay for a while more because it's better for you."

"He makes things confusing," Mikey repeated.

"It's hard because we got used to not having him here. But it was hard when he wasn't here, wasn't it?"

"Because you were sick."

"And I'm still sick. And that's why, okay? I still need to take my medicine and I still need Dad here to help me do things because I don't always feel good enough to do it."

"Do you still love him, Father?"

"I'll always care about your dad, Mikey. We were friends and we cared about each other for a long time. We're trying to be friends again."

"That's not an answer."

Connor saw Jude kiss Mikey's forehead.

"I love _you_ and that's all that matters."

"I love you too, Father."

"Do you want to talk to your dad?"

"Do I have to?"

"No," Jude said. "I'm never going to make you. But it might make you feel better."

"I don't want to."

"That's okay."

"Will you stay in here with me?"

"Of course."

Connor sat on the steps, waiting, even as Mikey and Jude moved out of sight; even as Jude began to read to Mikey. When it got late enough, Connor went downstairs and made dinner. It wasn't anything fancy, but when it was done, he went upstairs and knocked on the door.

"I made supper."

"I don't want to go downstairs," Mikey said to Jude. "Please, can I eat in my room tonight?"

"You know that rooms aren't for eating."

"I don't want to see him," Mikey said.

"Can I ask you something, Mikey?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why are you so mad at him but not so mad at me?"

Connor leant against the wall. He'd been waiting for that question. Why was Jude allowed to sit with Mikey and comfort him when Connor got all the blame?

"He _left_. Chris saw _him_ kiss _you_. You love me _more_."

"That's not true at _all_. We both love you with everything that we have. Neither of us loves you more."

Connor bit down on his lower lip to keep from saying something. How had he gone this wrong?

"I love Dad," Mikey said.

"And Dad loves you, very much," Jude assured him. "He understands that things are hard right now. I promise you he does. He doesn't want to hurt you either."

"I don't want to talk to him."

"Neither of us is going to make you. But let's go sit at the table, okay? You don't have to say a word. You just have to sit there and eat."

"Okay."

Connor stepped back as the door opened. Mikey walked right past him, dragging Jude behind him. As they descended the stairs, Jude looked at Connor to mouth _'I'm sorry'_. Connor just shrugged. It wasn't Jude's fault. Not _just_ Jude's fault, anyway. Things were messy and complicated and everyone had a hand in it. There was no one to blame.

Mikey didn't eat much. He picked at his food, even as Jude made comments that it was good and thanked Connor for making it.

"Would you like more juice?" Connor asked, noticing that his son's glass had gotten low.

Mikey didn't look like he was going to answer him, but then he glanced at Jude. "No, thanks."

Connor went silent. When dinner was finished and Jude couldn't convince Mikey to eat anymore, the little boy begged off to his room again.

"Sure," Jude agreed after exchanging a glance with Connor.

"Will you come with me, Father? I want to read more of my book."

"I'm going to help Dad clean up dinner and then I'll come upstairs with you, okay?"

Mikey hesitated. He whispered, "Just you?"

"Sure, Mikey," Jude agreed again. "If that's what you want."

Mikey skipped up the stairs after a lingering look at Connor. Once the little boy was out of the room, Jude's and Connor's parental faces fell away.

"I'm so sorry, Connor."

"What did I do _wrong_?"

"It's not you, it's really not. I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to handle this. I thought that, after the separation, I got good with the hard questions. But I still don't know what to say to him."

"You're doing the best that you can," Connor assured him. "There's nothing that I would have done differently."

"Really?"

"Really." Connor reached out and rubbed Jude's shoulder. "I just wish he'd talk to me."

"We have to give him his space. We can't force him to do anything. He'd only hate us more."

"Hate me more. He seems okay with you."

Jude shrugged. "I don't know if he really is."

"What do you mean?"

"I just feel like the lesser of two evils right now because you moved out and I didn't. That's making a big difference to him."

"That makes sense."

Jude sighed and ran his hands roughly through his hair. "I just want him to be okay."

"He will be." Connor toyed with the end of his fork. "Do you think I should try to go talk to him?"

"He seems really … uncomfortable with that idea right now."

"I don't want him to go to sleep hating me. I won't push. I just want to talk through the door and see if he talks back. He's my son too."

Jude nodded. "Why don't you try? I'll put the dishes in the dishwasher. Give you some time alone with him."

"Thanks."

Connor left Jude at the dining room table and walked up the stairs. Mikey's door was tightly shut so he knocked on it lightly.

"Come in, Father."

"It's Dad," Connor corrected.

 _"Go away_."

"I just want to talk to you. You don't have to say anything. Just listen."

Mikey didn't respond. Connor didn't know if Mikey was following instructions or just flat out ignoring him.

"I'm sorry that we upset you and confused you. I'm sorry that Chris had to see what happened. Mikey, Father and I weren't lying to you when we told you that we were getting a divorce. That kiss doesn't mean that everything is going to go back to the way that it was before I moved out."

He didn't know what to say. Connor didn't want to keep repeating Jude but he didn't know how to properly add onto it without knowing what was going through Mikey's head.

"Is there anything that you want to ask me?" Connor offered. "Anything at all that you want to know? Just say the words and I'll tell you everything, I promise."

"Go away!"

"I'm sorry, Mikey."

He shook his head as Jude walked up the stairs, looking at him questioningly. Jude knocked on the door.

"Mikey? It's Father."

"I don't care."

Jude turned his head to look at Connor. "What happened?" he whispered.

"Nothing!" Connor mouthed back.

"You knew I didn't want to talk to him!" Mikey yelled.

"He's allowed to talk to you, Mikey. We care about you. Dad was just trying to make sure that you were okay. We both just want to help you."

"I want to be alone."

"We're going to be in the office if you want to come talk," Jude said.

Connor led the way into the office. He turned to say something to Jude, but Jude just shook his head. Connor didn't know what to do with that, so he took a seat at his desk while Jude curled up in the armchair. He fiddled with files and tried to make himself concentrate on work so that he could get ahead, but he kept thinking about Mikey, cooped up in his room next door. Jude had opened his laptop, but he didn't seem to be doing anything on it. They were both listening to see if they could hear anything from Mikey. No noise came and, eventually, Jude sat up.

"It's his bedtime."

"I think that I should stay here."

"Probably the best," Jude agreed, and they both sounded regretful about it. He went over to Mikey's room and knocked. "Mikey, it's time for bed."

The door opened with a smash.

"Careful with the door," Jude said. "You don't need to throw things around."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"I know you're mad, Mikey, but I'm still your father and you're still my son. Being upset isn't an excuse to be rude or disrespectful or to hit people."

"Being sick is no reason to do whatever you want!"

"Michael!" Connor snapped from the office.

Connor stood up. He knew that Mikey didn't understand the full scope of what was wrong with Jude; there was no way that he _could_. Still, Connor couldn't bear to see Mikey blame anything on Jude's illness. Jude was _sick_. He did as best as he could while he was sick, and Connor could acknowledge, with his perspective, that Jude had managed to do a hell of a lot with his depression; it was more than Connor thought that he would be able to manage, if their situations were reversed.

"It's not!" Mikey shouted, spinning to face Connor as Connor walked out into the hall.

"Your father is very sick."

"Which isn't the point here, right now," Jude interrupted. "Mikey understands that something's wrong. He's just frustrated and that's okay."

"I hate hearing that! Nothing's been okay since _forever_ ," Mikey shouted. "I hate you! I wish I had different parents! Parents who weren't liars and who never got sick!"

Connor watched as Jude's face crumbled.

"You don't mean that," Connor murmured.

"Yes, I do! I wish someone else had adopted me! You're confusing and I hate it! I _want_ you to give me away! I don't want to keep you!" he screamed at Connor.

Connor reached for him, but Mikey darted away, back into his room. He slammed his door shut with a bang that made Jude jump. Jude reached out for the door. He wrapped his hand around the knob and pressed his forehead to the wood.

"Mikey," Jude called. "Please talk to us."

Nothing.

Connor held his breath as Jude knocked again, willing Mikey to open the door. His heart swelled into his throat in the silent seconds. Jude wiped away his tears with the back of his hand.

"Mikey, this isn't okay. I'm going to come in."

"No!"

Jude began to shake and Connor reached out, steering him away from the door.

"No," Jude protested. "I – He – I …"

"You need to go sit down and breathe," Connor said in a low voice. "I'll go in and get him ready for bed. He's already angriest at me."

Jude glanced at the door. "I … I."

"Office," Connor said.

He didn't think that Jude was going to listen to him, but then Jude stumbled his way into the other room, tears leaking down his cheeks.

"Mikey," Connor said, knocking on the door like Jude has just done. "I'm coming in now."

"No!"

Connor opened the door anyway. Mikey was sitting on the bed, glaring at him.

"I know you're angry. But we're your parents. And we love you. And we know that you love us."

"No, I don't. You're _liars_."

Connor pulled a set of pyjamas out of Mikey's dresser and placed them on the bed.

"We've been as honest as we can with you," Connor said.

"I hate you."

"We've heard. But right now you're hurt and you're lashing out. Just because you're hurt and angry doesn't mean that you get to hurt others. Put your PJs on and go brush your teeth."

Silently, Mikey did as he was asked, then he climbed into bed.

"Things will look different in the morning," Connor promised. "Father and I will be in his room if you need anything. I love you."

"I don't care." Mikey turned over to face the wall.

Connor didn't have anything else to say to that. He let himself out of Mikey's room, leaving the door ajar, and he went to fetch Jude. Connor felt his own exterior begin to crumble as he saw Jude's worn face. He reached down to his husband and pulled him to his feet.

"Come on," he said. "Back to our room. I don't want to bother Mikey."

Jude leant heavily on him, and once Connor had closed the bedroom door behind the two of them, Jude completely burst into tears.

"How could we do that to him?"

"I don't know." Connor buried his head in Jude's shoulder, his tears already wetting Jude's shirt. This had been one of the hardest afternoons of his life, including the first one that he had spent alone at his apartment. "We didn't mean to do that to him."

"We're going to keep doing that to him. What's he going to do if he ever finds us kissing? Or if we do tell him that we're not getting a divorce? He'll find out we have been lying to him this entire time."

"We haven't," Connor argued, taking a step back so that he could see Jude's face. He collected both of Jude's hands in his own. "We're not sure of what's going on any more than he is. We've told him all that we've can."

"Have we?" Jude asked. "We called off the divorce legally already!"

"Emotionally we're still all over the place! I believe we'll do it and I believe we'll be together but, Jude, nothing is set in stone for us yet. We both know that."

"Think about how he's going to see it," Jude protested. "He's going to hate us even more. What kind of parents are we if we put him through that?"

"We're human. We're people. We can't be perfect, Jude."

"I can't." Jude closed his eyes, though tears still fell through his lashes. "I can't. How _could_ we?"

"Can't what?"

Jude didn't answer.

Connor squeezed his hands. "Can't _what_ , Jude?"

"Do this."

"Do what? Us? Yeah, it's going to hurt him. Us being together, us being apart, us being confused, nothing is perfect. He's going to get even more confused when we tell him that there's no divorce and I'm never going back to my apartment. But in the long run, a little bit of confusion is going to be nothing compared to getting to grow up with us in the same house."

"He's _hurt_."

"It's confusing! He's six!" Connor searched Jude's agonized face. "I know you love me."

"I love _him_."

"I know. I know you love us _both_. But what do you want to do, Jude? Put us on hold until he's old enough to understand? When's that going to be? When's he's fifteen? Sixteen? When he's eighteen and moved out of your house and into a college dorm!?"

Jude gaped at him breathlessly. "I don't _know_."

"Because I _can't_." It broke Connor's heart to say it.

"Can't what?" Jude asked.

"Can't … wait for you. Can't … spend my life being in love with you and waiting for you to decide that it's the right time to be in love with me. I want _you_. I want our family. I want to try and put this thing back together. I want you to want the same thing, Jude! Tell me you want the same thing!"

Jude ripped his hands away from Connor's. "Are you asking me to choose between you? Between my son and _you_? What kind of a person are you? Why are doing _this_?"

"Jude –" But that was all Connor managed.

Jude swept away from him, just as Mikey had been doing to the both of them all afternoon. He exiled himself to the master bathroom, shutting the bathroom door quietly so his son didn't hear the noise. Connor walked over to the bathroom door and tried the door. It was locked. Connor felt his heart skip a beat.

"Jude, I'm not trying to control you right now but you behind a locked door is worrying me."

There was no response. Connor sunk to his knees beside the door, listening closely. He could _just_ hear Jude's breathing. He curled up next to the door.

"I'm going to be right here if you need anything. Right outside the door."

Connor sat back, curling his legs up toward as chest as best as he was able. He leant his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to think. But that was hard. He was worried about Mikey; he was worried about Jude; he worried by himself. He worried about what tomorrow was going to look like. He hoped that Mikey would be better in the morning. At least, he hoped that they would be able to talk to him a little bit more clearly. He found himself thinking about Chris and JP; he hoped that the three boys would be able to work it out. He felt horrible that something he and Jude had done had caused such a rift, and thought that they should have called Andrew tonight. Tomorrow. They would do it tomorrow.

Connor rested his head against the wood of the door. He heard Jude shuffling around but it didn't sound like anything more than someone adjusting their position. He tried not worry. Connor sat on the floor, watching the hours tick by on the clock. After two had gone by, he knocked and called Jude's name, but he didn't hear anything back. They had nearly hit the third hour when Connor heard more noises from the bathroom. He straightened up but didn't have time to stand before Jude opened the bathroom door.

Connor stared up at his husband's red, puffy face and wondered if his looked the same. Jude held out his hands and they were cupped together, like he was cradling something between them. Connor frowned and mimicked the position, lifting his hands. Jude's face didn't move as he separated the sides of his hands and let what he was holding into Connor's. The tiny razors blades clinked together as they fell into Connor's palms.

" _Jude_." Connor was going to throw up.

Jude walked by him without a word; without any indication that Connor was sitting there at all. Connor stared down at the metal slivers in his hand, hating himself and everything that was going on as he tried to figure it if any of their slick edges had dried blood on them. But it didn't matter. Connor threw them into the bathroom garbage; he would take it out later. What was important was seeing Jude; it was seeing his skin and knowing that there were no new scars on it.

Jude had tucked himself into bed. He had the comforter drawn up around his chin and was lying on his scarred side. His eyes were closed, but Connor knew that he wasn't sleeping. He had spent too many years next to a sleeping Jude to be fooled. Connor crouched down next to the bed.

"I know you're not sleeping. And I know you might not want to talk to me right now. But you asked me to come back to make sure that you were okay and I need to do that now. I need to know if you hurt yourself, Jude."

Against the pillow, Jude shook his head as best as he was able.

"Come on, Jude."

Jude kept his eyes closed and let Connor sit him up. Connor felt a little weirded out by Jude's non reaction, even as Connor began to lift his shirt. It was like dealing with Mikey when he had the flu and was too sick to change out of his gross clothes on his own. But it was also different. Because where Connor was allowed to help Mikey, and he _knew_ that he was allowed to help Mikey, Jude was different.

"Can I take this off?" Connor asked, lowering the edge of Jude's shirt again.

Jude nodded.

Connor helped Jude out of his shirt, carefully inspecting each inch of his pale bare skin. There was nothing. Jude remained as malleable as a doll in Connor's hands and Connor grew more and more worried.

"I want to check your legs too."

Jude stood up and unbuttoned his jeans, letting them drop to the floor. Connor's hands shook as he carefully looked at Jude's legs. There was nothing there, and Connor didn't really believe that Jude would cut where his underwear covered. He straightened up.

"I'm sorry. I know you're not totally comfortable," Connor apologized.

Jude just sat down on the edge of the bed. Connor fetched a pair of pyjama pants for him. Jude's eyes flashed open as Connor sat them on his lap. He looked dull and lifeless as he stood up and put them on and then put his t-shirt back on. As Jude went to lay back down in bed, Connor grabbed his hands by the wrists. Jude didn't move as Connor flipped them both over, palm sides up.

"Oh, Jude."

There were cuts all along the inside of his hands.

"I took it apart because I thought I was going to," Jude finally said, not looking at Connor. "And I sat there with them, but I couldn't let you down. So I just kept going like this."

He curled his fingers into his palms, squeezing his hands into fists as tightly as he could. When he opened his hands, there were small amounts of blood smeared across his hands and staining the few bandages that Jude had to keep around the worst of his left hand.

"Let me clean it up," Connor said, "Then we'll talk."

Jude looked forlorn as Connor stood. Connor hesitated over him for a moment and then he kissed his forehead. He went to the bathroom as quickly as possible, gathering up a damp washcloth, Band-Aids, the white bandages used for Jude's burns, and antiseptic cream. He returned to Jude, kneeling in front of him. Jude laid his hands out for Connor without prompting. Connor began to dab at and clean Jude's hands and Jude winced.

"I'm sorry. It probably stings."

"A little," Jude murmured.

"I'm proud of you for not doing it. I know that took a lot from you."

Jude didn't say anything, but his hands started shaking. Connor had to carefully align the bandages to cover the thin cuts.

"There, all done."

Connor went to stand but Jude reached out and wrapped his arms around him, capturing him in a hug. Connor eased up to sit on the bed, holding him back. They rocked back and forth, not willing to let go of the other. Connor ran his hands over Jude's back, trying to massage it as best as he could from the angle that he was at.

"I don't mean for you to choose between us, Jude."

"If you did, you knew it would be him."

"I would make sure it was him," Connor said. "For both of us. He's stuck with whatever choices we make."

"All of the choices are hard."

"I know. But we need to pick the one that is going to hurt less in the long one."

Jude nuzzled his head against Connor's collarbone. "Stay."

Connor tightened his arms around Jude, utterly relieved.

"I want us. I want this. I want our family in one piece. It's hard but I want to work for it. Don't go."

"Shh, I'm not going to go. I don't want to go."

Jude nodded. "Okay. Okay. He's going to hate us. Connor, I don't want him to hate us."

"He's not going to hate us." Connor thought about it, then amended, "Forever, anyway. He's six. It's going to be okay. You're just overreacting."

"I'm not –"

"And overthinking,"

Jude hugged him. "I'm sorry he's been picking on you. That's not right. Or fair."

"Well, now he hates us both, at least."

"You're not funny."

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

Jude kissed his cheek.

"I'm going to get ready for bed, okay? But I think we should sleep apart tonight, in case Mikey wakes up and needs us."

Jude nodded. "Okay."

"And it's late. We need to sleep."

"I don't want to. Can we watch TV for a while?"

Connor looked at his face. He ran his hand along the edge of Jude's jaw, feeling the itchy beginnings of stubble. Jude pressed his hands tightly to each side of Connor's waist.

"Please."

"Okay. But we're napping tomorrow."

"Thank you." Jude kissed his cheek again.

"Do you mind if I use this bathroom? I want Mikey to stay asleep."

"Go ahead. You can keep using it if you want. It's not like we have privacy."

"I know. But you have a little bit less than I do and I want to give you whatever space I can."

"I really don't mind."

"Okay."

Connor was in the bathroom, mouth full of toothpaste, when he heard a screech from Mikey's room. He quickly spat into the sink and rushed out of the bathroom. The bedroom door was hanging open; Jude was already in Mikey's room. He was sitting on Mikey's bed and the skinny boy was sobbing into his shoulder.

"Hey," Connor said, sitting on the other side of them.

Mikey let out a loud cry. "Don't die. Don't die."

"No one's dying," Jude said.

Connor reached out and rubbed Mikey's back, feeling the bumps in his spine as he shook and cried.

"Bad dream?" Connor mouthed at Jude.

"I think so," Jude mouthed back.

"Everyone's safe. Everyone's okay," Connor soothed him. "We promise."

"I dreamt you were dead!"

"We're both right here." Jude kissed the top of his head. "We're safe and so are you."

"It was just a dream." Connor shifted closer so that his arms were around both Jude and Mikey. "It wasn't real."

Mikey was still shaking violently.

"It felt real," the boy whispered.

"It was a bad dream," Connor repeated.

"I don't want you to be dead," Mikey cried.

"We're not. See. There's my heartbeat." Jude pressed Mikey's hand to his chest. He picked up Mikey's other one and pressed it to Connor's. "And there's Dad's heartbeat."

"And there's yours," Connor added, letting his large hand splay over Mikey's chest.

Mikey kept shaking. He blinked up at Connor, his grey eyes filled with tears. Even his freckles seemed pale. It must have been one hell of a dream to make him that scared. Mikey snuggled up to Jude's chest but he reached out with his hands to cling to Connor's hand. Connor hugged the two of them even tighter.

"If I say I'm sorry," Mikey wailed, "Will you keep me?"

"We're were always going to keep you," Jude assured him.

"You're our son and we're your parents," Connor added. "You're stuck with us."

"Good. I don't hate you."

"We know. We know. It's okay, Mikey. We love you," Jude said.

Connor kissed the top of Mikey's head. "Lots and lots. More than you'll ever know."

Mikey nodded, though he still looked small and scared inside of Jude's long arms.

"It's been a long night," Jude said. "Let's get you tucked back into bed, okay? Dad and I will read you a story until you go back to sleep."

Mikey nodded and sat up. He went to crawl back to the bed, but Connor stopped him.

"Did you pee the bed?"

Jude was looking down at the damp spot on his pyjama bottoms. Mikey's bottom lip began to tremble.

"I'm sorry!"

"Oh, it's okay," Connor said. "It happens to everyone sometimes."

"We'll go to the bathroom and clean you up," Jude said, "while Dad changes your sheets, okay?"

Mikey nodded and hopped off the bed. Connor was already stripping off blankets as Jude grabbed new pyjamas for Mikey. Between the two of them, it didn't take long before Mikey was warm and dry in a clean bed, snuggling tightly between the two of them. There wasn't much room for two adult men and a skinny six-year-old in a single bed, but they didn't mind. As squished as they were, Mikey kept tugging them closer.

Connor picked up the book while Jude rested against Mikey. Mikey rested his head against Connor's arm as he started reading. It didn't take long to get him back to sleep; he was exhausted and emotionally drained. Connor read for a few minutes past when Mikey closed his eyes, just to be sure that he had gone back to sleep. With care, he placed the book on Mikey's nightstand and sat up, making sure that Mikey was laid down comfortable. He turned to look at Jude and smile; his husband was _almost_ as asleep as their son.

"Come on," Connor said. "You can't stay in here all night."

"I know."

Jude sat up slowly, giving Mikey one last goodnight kiss as he went.

"Bed time," Connor said, closing their bedroom door behind them.

"Bed time," Jude echoed, tugging at Connor's arm. "He won't wake up again."

Connor crawled into his side of the bed, pulling the blanket high around their shoulders. He and Jude pressed closely together in the middle of the bed. Connor laid on his side and Jude curled around him.

"I'm going to put your arm to sleep," Connor noted.

He ran his fingers down the smooth skin of Jude's forearm; his arm was trapped underneath of Connor.

"Doesn't matter. I get to be close to you this way."

Connor smiled as he felt Jude's breath on the back of his neck. Then he ran his fingers up over Jude's wrist to his palm, feeling the edges of the Band-Aids. He pressed his hand flat against Jude's, locking their fingers together.

"Goodnight, Jude."

"Night, Connor," Jude mumbled against his neck. "I love you."

Connor swallowed. "I love you too, Jude."

Jude squeezed his hand and Connor lifted it awkwardly in order to kiss his knuckles. It had been a hard day; it had been way too hard of a day. But it was better than all of the nights that he had spent alone at the apartment, turned and facing a wall, too stubborn to admit that there was no one on the other side of him anymore. They'd get through all of it together. Behind him, he heard Jude's breath soften as he fell asleep. Carefully, Connor turned himself over in Jude's arms and hid his face against Jude's chest.

Much better.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Wide Open**_ **by Westlife;** _ **Anniversary**_ **by Chase Coy; and** _ **Last Kiss**_ **by Taylor Swift.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	20. I'm Young And I'm Underpaid

Connor woke to Jude shaking his shoulder. Connor sat up, hearing the high pitched bleep of the alarm clock. He rolled closer to his side of the bed and slammed his hand on the off button. He sat up, feeling stiff and terrible. He glanced over at Jude, who was flopping his hand around.

"You put it to sleep," Jude said.

"Sorry," Connor said. He picked up Jude's hand and kissed the knuckles.

"Stop, it stings."

"Sorry," Connor repeated. "I'll go get Mikey. You start breakfast."

Jude nodded and they split their separate ways as they usually did. Jude headed down the stairs, still wringing his hand, and Connor entered their son's room. Mikey was sprawled out; his blankets were rumpled and messy and his bright red hair was fluffed out across his white pillowcases. Connor sat down on the edge of the bed and gently shook him.

"Mikey. _Mikey_."

He shook his head and curled his knees up to his chest, pulling his blanket up over his head. "No. I'm tired."

"I know. It was a long night. But you'll perk up once we feed you breakfast. Come on."

Mikey poked his head out over the top of his blanket, his hair nearly obscuring his eyes as he looked at Connor. "Are you still mad?"

"I was never mad at you. I was just sorry that things got some complicated and it hurt you."

"So … you're going to keep me?"

Connor nodded. "For so long you're going to get sick of me!"

Mikey smiled and he jumped out of bed and wrapped his arms around him. Connor hugged him tightly.

"Does Father hate me?"

"Not even a little bit. Come on, I'll give you a piggy back downstairs and you can see for yourself."

"Okay!"

Connor carried him down the steps, bouncing a little to keep him awake. They burst into the kitchen, where Jude already had scrambled eggs already going on the stove.

"Morning, Mikey."

Mikey squirmed down from Connor's back and ran to Jude, jumping up on him. Jude caught him easily and lifted him.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Jude asked.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Jude said.

Mikey threw his arms around Jude. He turned his head to the side and saw Connor. "I like you living with us again."

Connor hugged him and Jude in his arms. Mikey had one arm around him and one arm around Jude.

"Just remember," Connor said, "No matter what, we love you most."

"I love you too."

Jude kissed Mikey's cheek. "Hungry?"

"Yep!"

They put Mikey down on his own two feet and Jude handed over a plate of scrambled eggs. Mikey carried his plate off to the dining room and Connor went to track down Mikey's school bag. He had just packed Mikey's reading books into it and carried it into the kitchen so they could put Mikey's lunch bag in it, when Mikey started making dramatic groaning noises.

"Something wrong?" Jude called.

"I think I'm sick."

Connor poked his head into the dining room. "You ate all your eggs."

"I just feel sick."

Connor glanced back in at Jude.

"Chris and JP," Jude guessed in a low voice.

Connor nodded. He went into the dining room and sat beside Mikey. "You know what might help with that."

"Staying home?" Mikey suggested.

"Saying you're sorry to Chris and JP."

"I hit them. It wasn't nice. They'll be mad."

"Maybe. But you should still say that you're sorry. You know that hitting them was wrong."

"I know." Mikey looked down at the table. "They were telling the truth."

"Saying you're sorry will help, even if they're still mad. And it's okay if they are. People are allowed to feel things and you have to give them some time to work through it."

Mikey nodded. He sucked in a deep breath and swung his feet under his chair.

"You should go get dressed, okay?"

"But what if they never talk to me again?"

"I don't think that will happen. But you know what the right thing to do is. I know you do."

Mikey didn't seem so sure, but he hopped off the dining room chair and walked slowly up to his room. Connor took his breakfast dish and carried it into the kitchen, where Jude had split the rest of the eggs onto two plates for them.

"Thanks."

"Is he okay?"

Connor shrugged. "We'll see what happens when he gets home."

They ate their small portion of eggs quickly and were preparing their morning coffees when Mikey came back downstairs. He moved slowly as he took his lunch bag out of the fridge and packed it into his bag. Connor and Jude walked him out to the front porch. They lingered there as Mikey made his way down the driveway. He was about halfway when he spun around suddenly and raced back to the porch. He hugged Jude and Connor tightly.

"I love you, Dad. I love you, Father."

"I love you too," Jude and Connor said together.

Mikey nodded and lifted his head, as if he were steeling himself for something. Then, he was back down the driveway, barely catching the bus. When the bus was out of sight, Jude collapsed backward onto their front porch swing. Connor followed suit, putting his arm around Jude's shoulders when Jude leant against him.

"Tired?" Connor asked.

"I still feel so bad," Jude admitted, "about everything that happened yesterday."

"We need to be more careful. Until we tell him something concrete about us, I mean."

Jude nodded and Connor let out a breath he hadn't noticed he'd been holding. There was still an 'us'; there was still a 'them'. They didn't have much else to say. Connor rocked the porch swing back and forth gently.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Last night wasn't just hard for Mikey and me. I just wanted to be sure that you were feeling all right."

"It wasn't _fun_." Connor sighed. "I think I feel a little more grounded than the two of you. Not to say I don't care. It's just that I feel like I can be there for you without breaking down."

"What else do you feel?"

"I feel like Mikey's going to needs us to be there for him more than usual. I feel like we need to talk to him more about what he did to Chris and JP because that was _way_ over the line, no matter what we did. I feel like I'm glad we're sitting here because it would have been easy to step away, seeing what Mikey was doing, but it's going to be better this way, with both of us together. I feel like I'm really proud of you for not hurting yourself last night, even though it would have been easy for you to." Connor picked up Jude's free hand and kissed over one of the bandages.

Jude was silent for a moment. "But, Connor?"

"What?"

"What about _you_?" Jude sat up and looked at him. "That was all about me and Mikey. What about you?"

Connor shrugged. "What else is there?"

"There's _you_. What do you think? Or feel? Even if it's selfish and terrible. I just want to know _you_."

"You know me."

Jude let out a huff, thinking. Then he said, "Enough to know you'd let yourself get lost inside of us. Enough to suspect you might just be trying to protect me. But I don't need you to protect me. I need you to treat me like an equal. You know every terrible thing that goes through my head. Sometimes I feel like I'm still guessing at you. Especially since you came back."

"Is that one of your holdbacks? You feel like I don't talk to you enough?"

Jude shrugged at first, but then he nodded. "And we've talked about it … Let me in a little more, _please_."

"I did have a terrible thought," Connor confessed. "When Mikey came home and we found out why. I thought … I mean, I was _hoping_ that you would tell him that we were getting back together for real. I was relieved he was upset because I was hoping it would make you say something. And that makes me hate myself a little bit."

"Oh, Connor. You shouldn't hate yourself for that."

"He was so _hurt_ , Jude. And I was glad it happened for selfish reasons. What kind of parent does that make me?"

"A human one."

Jude held his hand and his Band-Aids itched at Connor's palm.

"You didn't have thoughts like that."

"I've had worse ones," Jude reminded him. He let go of Connor's hand to rub at his neck, where there was no trace of anything ever happening to him. "We're all human. We all think dumb stuff. But you didn't let it show to Mikey. Not even a little. He knew you were there for him and that's what matters most."

Jude put his arm around Connor's shoulders and Connor leant into him.

"You're a great, dad, Connor. We're both lucky that you're around. Even if we don't always know how much we appreciate it."

Connor looked up at Jude, meeting his eyes. "You really think so?"

"I know so," Jude answered. "With everything I have."

Connor shook his head. Sometimes he doubted it. His home and life had fallen apart and, though it was starting to come back together, he couldn't help but believe that he'd been solely responsible for all of it.

Jude caressed the side of his face. "You're perfect, Connor. You're perfect for us. This is where you belong, you know."

"I know." Connor used his foot to rock the swing. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude shifted closer.

"Sure we're not too public? I don't want anyone to say anything else."

"No one will," Jude assured him.

And they kissed there, on the front porch swing, like they were in some kind of romance movie and it was a perfect scene set up. The early morning sun was beating down on them and Connor found it so easy to pull Jude closer, even as he heard Jude's coffee mug drop to the deck so that Jude could curl his hand around Connor's waist. After a moment in the perfect scenario, Connor dropped his head to Jude's shoulder. Jude didn't let go; in fact, Jude held him even closer.

"Do you think," Connor began, "that we've just missed each other physically? Because a lot of us seems to be kissing and holding onto each other and … and all that …"

Connor could feel Jude shaking his head.

"I know we've missed physicality," Jude said. "We always liked that. We liked kissing and sex and everything in between." Jude leant back and tilted Connor's head up so that they were looking at one another. "This isn't _just_ physical. If you _never_ touched me again, if all you did was sit next to me at the dinner table and tell me about how your day was and how you felt, then I'd still be okay. Because I love _you._ And, I know, we talk a lot about how to change things and how to make things different, but that's for the both of us. That's supposed to be so that the both of us feel better in this. And if it's ever not, if you ever feel like you aren't important, I need you to say so. Because I don't want you to feel like that. You are one of the _most_ important things in my entire life, Connor. And I don't want you to feel like anything less. Never again."

Connor smiled and hid his face against Jude, feeling the warmth of Jude's skin through his t-shirt. Jude just held him, easily sensing that this was what Connor needed.

"Tell me," Connor whispered.

"I love you, entire," Jude whispered. "I love that I married you. I love that you're my son's father. I love that you're here on this swing with me, even after everything that we've been through."

Connor held him closer. He felt Jude's fingers stroking the back of his head and through his hair. Connor relaxed into him.

"And," Jude added in a low voice, "I love that you're about to go take a nap with me."

Connor squeezed Jude. "I love that you're a mind reader."

Jude was smiling as he pulled Connor to his feet. Then, Jude collected his dropped coffee cup. He inspected the light green mug.

"Perfect," he declared.

"Not the only thing," Connor answered.

He and Jude headed back into the house. They paused only for a moment to put their dirty coffee mugs into the dishwasher and then they were upstairs, falling back into the bed that they hadn't wanted to leave a mere hour and a half before. Connor rolled over, facing his nightstand.

"What are you doing?" Jude murmured.

"Setting the alarm. Should I put it an hour or half an hour before Mikey gets home?"

"Do you really think we'll sleep that long?" Connor didn't reply, so Jude added, "An hour."

Connor set the alarm and rolled to face Jude. Jude was on the edge of the bed, facing him.

"Come here," Connor said, beckoning Jude to his side. "I want to be cuddled."

"I'm always happy to cuddle you."

Connor curled up in Jude's arms and Jude kissed the top of his head.

"Night, Connor."

"Night, Jude."

Within moments, despite the morning light and despite their coffee, they were both fast asleep.

(-.-)

 _Connor drove down his and Jude's street, feeling anxious as he drove. Overhead, the sky seemed to darken, as if feeling his nervousness. He parked in the driveway and sat there for a moment, staring at the house. He didn't want to go in there. But it was ridiculous. This was his house; there were no monsters in there. He opened the car door and got out, walking slowly up the drive. He got to the front door and turned the knob, only to find it locked. He looked down at his hand. His key ring was suddenly there._

 _Connor fit the key in the lock and the door opened quickly and easily. He stepped inside but the house was quiet. Connor looked around the front entryway. Mikey's favourite pair of sneakers weren't in the grey tray. His son wasn't here._

 _"Jude?" Connor called._

 _Jude was always home._

 _There was no verbal response from Jude. Then, Connor heard a sound that he had never thought he would hear again. Over his head, up the stairs, coming from their bedroom, there was a loud thump. Connor's heart constricted. No, this wasn't happening again!_

 _"Jude!" Connor shouted, already racing toward the stairs. "Jude!"_

 _He threw open their bedroom door, knowing what he had to do next. Pull Jude down, call 911. Then everything would be okay. But Connor stopped dead in his tracks as the door banged off the wall behind it. There was a stench of death in the room. Even just looking at Jude's body, Connor knew his swaying husband had been dead for days. This didn't stop Connor from pulling the cold body down from the rafters; it didn't stop him from calling 911 and screaming Jude's name until his throat went hoarse and the paramedics wrapped him in a body bag._

 _Connor sat back on the plush of their carpet, unable to think or breathe, just entirely ready to give up._

 _The world blurred around him, and then he was in Stef's and Lena's living room. The two women were wrapped around one another on the couch, heaving such sobs of grief that, even though Connor's broken heart felt like a lead weight in his chest, he felt like an intruder. Connor blinked back his tears, trying to be strong for his mothers-in-law._

 _When he opened his eyes, he was sitting in his car, parked in Brandon's driveway. Mikey was sitting in the passenger seat, looking at him inquisitively._

 _"Dad?" he asked. "When do I get to go home? Father hasn't called me in three whole days."_

 _Connor was shaking his head. He couldn't do this. He could not do this._

 _"Mikey, I have to tell you something."_

 _"What?"_

 _"It's going to be very hard to hear," Connor said, already beginning to cry. "And I'm very sorry."_

 _"Sorry about what? Dad, I'm scared."_

 _Mikey looked so small curled up in the passenger seat. Jude had sat there so many times. Jude had sat there and laughed so many times. But Jude would never get in another car. He would never laugh again. He would never do anything again. He was dead; they were getting him ready for burial. But Connor would never be ready to accept that._

 _"Mikey … Father's … Father's …" There was no easy way to say this. It would be the worse news that the little boy would ever hear and it would only hurt more if Connor tried to avoid saying it. Connor had already put it off for as long as possible. "Father died."_

 _Mikey went pale and rigid. He started shaking his head, even before the news processed._

 _"Mikey …" Connor reached for him._

 _"NO!" Mikey screamed. "I want Father!"_

 _"I'm sorry, Mikey. Everybody did everything they could!" The words pained him, because he knew it wasn't true. They had all failed Jude. They hadn't even noticed he had even needed saving._

 _"Where is he? I want him!"_

 _Connor reached across the seats and gathered Mikey in his arms. The boy fought his embrace for a moment, calling for the father who would never answer him. Then, Mikey collapsed against Connor and together they cried. There was nothing more that they could do._

 _Connor looked up to see a coffin across the room from him. The room was full of sad faced people; Jude's family milled about with red eyes and tight lips. Mikey's hand was in his own. Connor took a shaky step toward the coffin. That was Jude in there. That was his husband; his son's father. He was a dead body now. Connor hadn't been able to save him. Connor had let him down._

 _Mikey clung to Connor as Connor walked up to Jude's coffin. How could the body lying there be the man that he had loved for over twenty years? How could this be the man that he married on a hot summer's day? This couldn't be the same person. It really couldn't be. This man was cold and rigid. He'd never read another bedtime story to his son; never agonize over a new breakfast recipe because he wanted to get it right for his little boy. The man that Connor had loved would never have left his son. Never. He stared down at Jude, thinking that if he looked long enough, he would be able to figure out why._

 _Next to him, Mikey peeked over the edge of the coffin. "Father? Father?" Mikey reached into the coffin and grabbed onto the dark sleeve of Jude's funeral suit. "Father!"_

 _"Oh, Mikey."_

 _Connor picked Mikey up, but Mikey screeched to be put back down. "I want to be with Father!"_

 _Connor didn't have any words. He didn't know how to comfort Mikey or be with him through this. He had never anticipated this. He didn't know what to do. Against his shoulder, Mikey began to sob for Jude._

 _"I WANT FATHER!" Mikey screamed._

Me too, _Connor thought._ Me too.

 _Connor began to cry as Mikey leapt from his arms, back to Jude._

(-.-)

Connor woke, tears streaking down his face. He couldn't breathe; he felt like he was being choked. He sat up in their warm bedroom, looking around. It was a beautiful, sunny day and Jude wasn't hanging from the rafters or buried in the unforgiving ground. Jude was fast asleep next to him, his features nearly glowing from the bright sun. For a moment, Connor could do nothing but stare at him; he could do nothing but watch the rise and fall of his chest. A sob came out of Connor's mouth. This moment, this piece of real life, felt as real as the dream had.

" _Jude. Jude._ "

Connor reached for him. He needed to see Jude alive and moving. He needed to erase the dream. He needed to kill the lump in his throat.

Jude stirred at the sound of his name. He blinked once, not realizing what was going on, and he shut his eyes. "I didn't hear the alarm."

"I had a dream and you were _dead_ and it was so _real,_ Jude."

Jude was sitting upward in an instant, his eyes open and awake. "I'm okay. I'm okay."

"I saw you in a _coffin._ "

"I'm alive," Jude reminded him.

"How could you _do_ that? How could you _do_ that to him and to me?"

"I don't know," Jude whispered honestly. "I'm sorry, Connor."

"What would I have done if you hadn't lived?" Connor demanded. "That was the scariest day of my life and it could have gone so much worse and how could you have done that, Jude?"

"I wasn't thinking of you or him. I wasn't thinking about how it would affect you or what you would do after. And I'm sorry for that. I know it hurt you. And you must still be so angry. I don't know how you don't hate me."

"It still just hurts. The image of you hanging there … That's going to haunt me forever. I'm always going to be upset about that. I'm never going to get over it."

Connor curled forward onto Jude's shoulder. He couldn't stop crying as Jude rubbed his back.

"I know. And I'm going to try and spend every day doing my best to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere and that you don't have to be scared and that I'm sorry. It's not going to happen again. I know that much." Jude kissed the side of Connor's neck and Connor cried even harder.

"It felt too real," Connor hiccoughed. "Telling Mikey and seeing you in a coffin and seeing your moms cry over you and finding you dead and I just … It was so _real_. It was almost _so_ real. If I had been five minutes later. If I had never come over at all."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for doing that to you."

"You can die. You can't."

"I'm not. I'm not."

"You almost … You almost …" Connor dissolved again.

"I know. I know. And it hasn't been that long. We'll get through it, Connor. It's okay."

Jude's voice had started to crack and break and Connor started to feel guilty and apologetic. Jude wasn't strong enough for this. He was here to take care to Jude, to make sure that Jude was okay, not to be a burden. He started to pull away and tuck his feelings down. Was he really crying over a dream when Jude's attempt had been months ago and Jude was perfectly safe? It wasn't rational. It wasn't good.

"I'm here for you," Jude said.

He sounded strong and sure and capable and Connor fell apart all over again. Jude _could_ handle this. He _was_ sick; he _wasn't_ weak. He could be there for Connor just as much as Connor had been there for him. Connor just had to trust him to do it.

"I've got you," Jude assured him. "Just let it out. I've got you."

So Connor did. He clung to Jude until his tears had dried and Jude's shirt was soaked. He caught his breath and then he rested his head on Jude's dry shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay. I know you haven't been able to talk about what September was like for you. With me or with anyone else. You've got let it all out sometimes. If you don't want to with me, maybe with someone else. Moms, maybe. Lena would listen to you. And she knows, now, about what we're trying to do and about how we're trying to work things out. You know she'd be there for you."

"Sometimes I'm surprised by how much I feel about it. I don't mean to stuff it away, really. I put you and your mental health above everything else."

"You don't need to do that," Jude said. "You need to make yourself matter too. You won't be any good to anyone if you don't take care of you too."

"Can I make a confession?"

"Of course. Tell me anything and everything. I want to know about it."

"I'm scared to talk to you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to weigh you down even more than you already are."

Jude gently rested his forehead against Connor's and he threaded the fingers of both their hands together. "I sense that sometimes. And that hurts me. It feels like you're not talking to me at all. It feels like you're moving away from me and hiding away."

"I'm not doing it intentionally. I promise. I just … I try so hard to protect you. I don't realize I hurt you. I'm sorry. It's no excuse.'

"We'll work on it. That's the only way, right?"

Connor nodded.

"You can talk to me whenever you need to," Jude added. "I'm strong. I can take it. You lean on me. I'll lean on you. I think that's how this marriage thing works."

"You'd know better than me."

Jude kissed Connor's forehead. "Talk to me."

"I feel helpless. I want to help you. I want to do better. But I feel like I can't do anything. I can't …" Connor drew a deep breath and shrugged.

"Connor, you do _everything_. _Everything_ ," Jude repeated for emphasis. "From getting me out of bed in the mornings to literally saving my life. You keep this place running. You keep us in this place with your job. You make meals and make me clean. You're so essential. You're so important. Without all of the work that you do and all that you do, Mikey and I would be caught in limbo. I know. We were there. You're not helpless. You're our Superman."

Connor smiled as Jude pulled him back into his embrace and rocked him back and forth.

"You really think so?"

"I know so."

From Connor's side of the bed, the alarm started going off.

"Why don't you turn that off," Jude suggested, "and I'll make you lunch?"

Connor reached over and killed the alarm. He took Jude's hand and they walked down to the kitchen.

"Will you make coffee again?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. That sounds good."

Jude prepped the coffee machine and let it do its thing.

"What do you want for lunch?"

"Whatever you want. Pick something."

Connor peeked in the cupboard behind him.

"We still have Alfredo sauce!"

"And penne noodles," Jude said, checking another cupboard. "It sounds good to me."

He started boiling water and heating the sauce. When the coffee was done, Jude made up their cups. He carried Connor's over to him and then sat up on the counter next to him. From his point, Jude was able to reach the stove and take care the sauce and the noodles. Absently, Connor kicked his feet against the cupboards.

"Is that where Mikey gets that from?" Jude asked, tapping at Connor's leg.

"Maybe. But you'll be the reason that he chews his lips off."

Jude rolled his eyes lightly. "No, not at all. Mikey's nowhere near as anxious as I am."

Connor let out a laugh. "That's true. Do you think he's doing okay at school?"

"I think so. Chris and JP are both good, sweet kids. And Mikey's a good, sweet kid. I think that they'll work out. Maybe not today but they love each other."

Connor nodded. "I just hate to see anything come between them."

"I think they'll work it out," Jude repeated. "We'll know soon enough."

Connor nodded. They ate their lunch sitting next to one another on the counter. They had just turned on the dishwasher when Mikey came home. He didn't throw open the door with his usual exuberance and Jude and Connor exchanged worried glances.

"We're in the kitchen," Connor yelled.

Mikey slunk in. He sat his backpack on the floor and opened it. He went through his usual motions of digging out his lunch box and emptying it. His sandwich box went into the sink and the bag itself went up on the counter to be used the next day. His task completed, Mikey propped his bag against the wall.

"How'd it go?" Jude finally asked.

"They're mad. I said I was sorry. I said I knew they weren't lying. I said I would never ever hit them again." Mikey slumped forward, defeated. "They're still mad. I told them that this morning but they didn't talk to me at recess _or_ at lunch. I tried to say sorry again but they didn't even _listen._ "

"Did they say anything at all?"

"JP just said he didn't want to talk. And then Chris just said that he … he was really hurt and that he didn't want to be friends with someone who hurt him." Mikey started to cry. "I'm _sorry_."

"I know, I know. Come here." Jude hugged him and then crouched down in front of him. "Remember what we talked about? When we said that people were allowed to feel their emotions? And that people sometimes needed time to work through things?"

Mikey nodded. "But I _miss_ them. They're my best friends!"

"I know. Maybe things will look different in the morning. Tomorrow is a whole new day! They might talk to you tomorrow!"

Mikey looked uncertain. "What do you think, Dad?"

"I think time is important."

Mikey sighed.

"And," Connor added, "if things don't look better by the weekend then maybe we'll give Andrew a call and see if we can't all sit down and talk about it."

"Okay," Mikey agreed, but he still had a sour look on his face.

"Do you want to do something?" Jude asked. "Go somewhere?"

Mikey didn't look enthused.

"Do you want to call Marley?" Connor suggested. "You could go see her or see if she wants to come over here?"

Mikey nodded. "Okay … Yeah. Let's call Marley." He skipped over to the kitchen phone and picked it up. "Five five five," he rattled off. Then, more hesitantly, he said, "zero … seven … six … eight?"

"Right."

After a few minutes of speaking, Mikey turned to face them. "Can Uncle Brandon pick me up on his way home from work? He says I can eat supper over there."

"Yeah, sure," Connor said.

Mikey turned back to the phone. A few more words and then he hung up.

"You should get your homework done now if you're going to go play with Marley."

"Okay, Dad," Mikey said.

"What do you have to do?"

"I have to finish a word search and I have to colour in a map of the continents," Mikey said. "Each continent has a different colour and then all the oceans are blue."

"Shouldn't take long, then."

Mikey nodded and then headed off to the dining room to do his homework. He had a little more pep in his step as he went.

"All alone for supper?" Connor said in a low voice. "What do you want to do?"

"Well, how about an improvised date three?" Jude suggested, rocking onto the balls of his feet and then back onto his soles.

"I thought you said date number three wasn't going to be a food thing."

"Well, I have something else planned too."

"Well, now I'm curious, so we _have_ to go."

"It'll be fun," Jude said. He glanced in the direction of the dining room, although he couldn't really see into it from where they were standing. Then, he kissed Connor on his cheek.

After that, they puttered around the house. Jude did laundry and Connor did some catching up work. Sleeping all day was what he wanted to do, but it wasn't what he was allowed to do. He went downstairs when Brandon picked Mikey up.

"What time do you want him home at?" Brandon asked. "It's a school night. Marley goes to bed at nine."

Eyes wide, Mikey turned his head to stare at Jude and Connor.

"We can pick him up," Connor offered. "Around eight?"

Brandon nodded. "Come on, Mikey. Let's go. I'm hungry."

"Me too! What's for supper, Uncle Brandon?"

Connor shut the front door.

"Nope, no time for that, get your shoes on," Jude instructed.

"Where is this dinner date?"

"It's not far but we're on a schedule." Jude jangled his keys against his palm.

Connor laughed. "Let's go, then."

Jude locked the door behind them and then he and Connor got into Jude's car.

"So," Jude said, "I was looking at classes for the next term. You know I've been e-mailing with the school and I have to pick soon."

"I know. Did you pick?"

"Yeah. I picked two, actually. One meets every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and the other every Tuesday and Thursday. So I'll have a little something to do every day."

"That's good. What did you pick?"

"The Tuesday and Thursday one is just a basic law course. It won't really count if I do get into and go to law school for real but I know it's something I'll like. So I wanted to take it."

"This is all about what you want to do. What's the other one? The one that meets on three days?"

"Basic Spanish," Jude admitted. "I mean, I never did _that_ well in it in high school. But learning another language is never a bad thing."

"No, of course it isn't! You don't need to keep justifying."

"You think it's good?" Jude asked.

"I think it's great. I really think this is the best decision for you."

"Me too."

Connor looked up as Jude pulled into a parking spot. He squinted at the building in front of him. "Is this a bar? Are you really taking me to a bar?"

"No. I _know_ you're not that kind of a date."

Connor laughed.

"Come on."

Connor followed Jude into the building. A smiling host took them to a front table and handed them a couple of menus.

"All food orders have to be in before the show starts," he said. "Drinks can be purchased at the back bar at any time. Waiters will be back during intermission to take orders again."

Once he was gone, Connor turned to Jude. "The show? What is this?"

"It's an improv show. From the college. I saw it advertised when I was looking at classes. I wasn't going to suggest it because it's only tonight but then we had the night free. So I thought it'd be fun. We need a laugh."

"We need a laugh," Connor agreed.

Jude ordered a cheeseburger and Connor decided on the fish and chips. For an appetizer, they split a plate of spicy wings. The wings had just arrived when the lights dimmed.

"Don't worry," the waitress assured them, "We're still bringing the food out."

They nodded at her and turned their attention to the show. Within four lines, they were laughing and smiling. Connor glanced over at Jude during the exact moment Jude snorted around the wing in his hand. It was hardly an attractive face that he made and there was wing sauce on the corners of his mouth. But it was real and it was genuine.

Jude was happy.

Connor was happy.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Always Somewhere Close**_ **by Lifehouse; and** _ **What Do I Have To Do**_ **by Crystal Shawanda.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	21. I'm Short But I'm Healthy

On Thursday, Mikey threw the front door open with his usual exuberance.

"DAD! FATHER! WE'RE FRIENDS!"

"Chris and JP?" Jude asked excitedly from the kitchen, while Connor started down the stairs.

"Yeah! Yeah! They talked to me at recess! And we played on the same volleyball team in gym! JP was the captain and he picked me! He picked me!"

"Oh, Mikey. I'm so glad."

Mikey beamed up at Connor.

"Yeah!"

After that, it was like nothing had happened between the three of them. Mikey came home with stories about them and went to sleepovers again. Chris and JP were a little more hesitant about coming back to Jude's and Connor's, which they couldn't be blamed for. In this fashion, November began to leak away. It was peaceful and quiet and exactly what Connor had hoped it would be. He and Jude only grew stronger, although the apartment stayed in Connor's name and Connor didn't bring up Jude's ring, although he sorely wanted to.

It was the first week of December and nearing midnight. Connor was curled up on his side of the bed while Jude was on his laptop on his side of the bed. A little frustrated, Connor turned over.

"You know, it's a little strange, you being on your computer in bed. Usually that's me."

"Whereas I was annoyed with you, though, you're about to thank me."

" _I'm_ trying to go to sleep. So why would I thank you?"

"Come here." Jude held out his arm and Connor rolled into him. "What's that say?"

"Puppies for sale," Connor read from the ad. "Irish Setters. Ready to go … end of January. We won't have him for Christmas."

"They're red puppies from an all-male litter! We're not going to find something else!"

Connor squinted. "They're cute."

"And I Googled the breed. They're good dogs. They're good with kids and easy to train."

"E-mail her. E-mail her _now_."

"And say thank you to me for finding him."

"Thank you for finding the puppy. You're the greatest father our son has."

"Not including you, I'm assuming," Jude said, finishing up the short note he had been typing to the owner of the dogs. It sent, he closed his laptop and set it under the bed.

"No, you're a father and I'm a dad. Two entirely different species."

Jude laughed and settled himself down in Connor's arms.

"Do you think he'll be disappointed that he won't have the puppy for Christmas morning?"

Connor shrugged. "I mean, we looked. We tried. Hopefully we actually _get_ this dog."

"The puppies were just born. The ad said they were all still available. I think we have a good chance of getting this one."

"What are we going to do with a dog?"

"I think it'll be fun," Jude said. "We never had a pet. Except for that stray cat that used to sit outside our window when we lived in our first apartment."

"It still bothers me that I never figured out how it got up there," Connor admitted. "There was no tree! We were on the fourth floor!"

Jude chuckled. "I guess some things will always be mysteries."

"I guess," Connor said, grumbling a little.

Jude kissed his forehead. "You should probably sleep. You have to go in for a meeting first thing tomorrow."

"But that was a really bad goodnight kiss," Connor complained. "Are you mad at me or something?"

Jude had been kissing him goodnight sweetly and fully every night. It was something that Connor had gotten used to and something that he counted on.

"No. Not at all."

Jude slipped down the bed and pressed his lips to Connor's. Connor would have been content with that; it was how their nights had gone. But then the kiss deepened and Connor reached for him. He tightened his hand against Jude's hip and then Jude was even closer, filling the space between Connor's arms and eliminating all that existed between them. Connor knew he shouldn't. Connor knew that they still hadn't been pushing at their physical boundaries as much as they had been pushing at their mental and emotional ones. And bed wasn't really the ideal place to it. It had too many connotations and too many memories.

All of this flitted through Connor's head in one instant and was gone in the next. Because then he had Jude pushed down into the softness of their mattress. Jude was holding on tightly to him; one of his legs lifted to press the inside of his thigh against Connor's hip. Connor slipped his hands under Jude's shirt, grasping at the warmth of his skin. Jude pulled in a gasping breath but Connor could only release him for a moment. Then his lips were back on Jude's, even as Jude was trying to pull his shirt over his head.

As Connor let him, he asked, "How far do you want this to go right now?"

"Not much further," Jude whispered. "I'm sorry."

"But I can keep kissing you?"

"Please."

Jude reached up and grabbed Connor's hips, tugging him forward. Connor fell back into Jude. He wanted nothing more than the feel of Jude's lips and the warmth of his arms.

"I do love you," Jude whispered as Connor kissed his jaw.

"I know." Connor kissed his lips. "I love you too."

Jude smiled in the darkness. "I know."

And then he kissed Connor again.

(-.-)

"You know, we've missed seeing you around this place."

Connor leant against Amber's desk.

"Are you coming back?" She leant on her hand, staring up at him.

"I don't want to," Connor admitted. "I like working from home."

Amber rolled her eyes. "I like getting out of the house. I mean, I still live alone, so I'd get lonely. And, if I remember living at home correctly, family is too suffocating. I'd still want to, you know, not have to see them twenty-four seven."

"I mean, it's not like we don't see other people. It's not like Jude and Mikey are the only people I talk to _ever_. I'm still coming to the Christmas party next week."

"Are you bringing Jude?" Amber asked. "I think it's great that you and he got back together."

"We haven't," Connor said.

"You can't tell me you're not trying to. It's obvious."

"Sure, Amber. Whatever you say."

"So is he coming to the Christmas party or not?"

"Of course he is."

Amber grinned.

Connor knew he could trust her. So he winked and added, "You know I love seeing him in a suit."

She gasped and grinned, covering her face with her hands. "I knew it! Everyone else believed _you_ but I knew there was no way you weren't trying!"

"Let them keep believing me, though," Connor told her seriously. "We're not ready for anyone else to know."

"My lips are sealed." Amber drew her pinched fingers across her mouth for emphasis. "I'm happy for you, Connor."

"Thanks, Amber. I'll see you next week, okay?"

"Bye!" She waved her fingers at him before turning back to her laptop.

Connor left the office building, anxiously thumbing the handle of his briefcase. He'd forgotten to mention the Christmas party to Jude.

(-.-)

Jude didn't say anything as he slid the shepherd's pie into the oven. He straightened up, closed the oven door, and started washing the dishes that he had dirtied to make dinner. Connor went to stand beside him, a drying rag in his hand. He dried the dishes and put them away, waiting. Jude would give him an answer; Jude was just thinking it over at the moment.

When the dishes were done, Jude sighed. "Is it really a good idea?"

"The Christmas parties are always good. They have good food, the music isn't terrible. We're always at a table with Amber and her date. You like Amber," Connor reminded him.

"I _know_ ," Jude said. He glanced at Connor's face. "What did you tell her?"

"Nothing she didn't already guess."

Jude sighed again.

"You know that people are going to start assuming. Whatever we do or don't say."

"I know. Maybe we should just …" he trailed off,

"Should just?" Connor repeated.

Jude shook his head. "Nothing. If we … If we didn't have Mikey, then I wouldn't care. But the more people we tell the more likely it is he'll find out."

"I know. And we already said we wouldn't muck up Christmas. If we do anything, it'll be in January, at the earliest."

Jude nodded. "Right."

"But the Christmas party is next Friday."

"Right." Jude tapped his fingers on the counter. "You went to my birthday. And that was hard for you. Going to this is going to be hard for me."

"You don't owe me."

"I know. But I'm going to do it for you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Let's go to your Christmas party."

Jude smiled at him and Connor felt reassured.

"If you want to back out though, at any time, then you can."

"We're going." Jude tapped his fingers on the counter again, and then he winked at Connor. "Besides, you know I like seeing you in a suit."

Connor laughed. "Really? Because you always seemed more interested in getting me home and getting me _out_ of my suit."

Jude shrugged, unapologetic. "Your birthday suit is your best look."

Connor kissed the side of Jude's neck. "Well, we'll see how next week goes."

"How lucky do you think you're going to get?"

It was a playful question, but Connor knew Jude wanted a real answer. "I'm already lucky. And … well, _maybe_ we can pull onto a back road and make out in the back of the car like teenagers on our way home."

"If you're a good date, I'd say that's entirely in the cards."

In Jude's pocket, his phone let out a squawking noise that Connor knew was for e-mails. Jude pulled out the smart phone.

"Connor!" he exclaimed. "We've got first choice of the dogs."

"What? Really?"

Jude nodded. "The owner's name is Melissa. She said that we were the first person to answer the ad and that we can have first choice, provided we make it by the end of the week! She said that we could drive out and see them any time between eight in the morning and noon."

"Absolutely! We can go tomorrow. We're not doing anything."

"If we go early we can stop and get some Christmas shopping done on our way back," Jude suggested.

"It's a plan."

"I'll e-mail her back!"

Jude had just started writing the e-mail when Mikey got home.

"Father!"

"Kitchen! Dad's home."

Mikey skidded in. "I thought you had a meeting!"

"It didn't take as long as I thought it would. How was school?"

"We wrote letters to Santa!" Mikey announced, unpacking his bag.

"What did you ask for?" Connor asked.

"Well, first I asked him for a puppy. That's what I want the most. And then I asked him for a blue collar for my puppy. And then I said I wanted a new soccer ball! And all of our letters got mailed to Santa!"

"I bet he'll answer quickly," Jude said.

"Me too!"

"Do you have homework?" Connor asked.

"Some. But Christmas break is coming up ..."

"So you still have to do your homework."

"Okay, Father."

"If you get it done now, you won't have to do it later," Connor reminded him.

"It's math," Mikey said.

"I'll come help you," Connor replied. "Let's go."

They headed off to the dining room. As Mikey tugged him from the kitchen, Connor glanced over at Jude, who was wiping down the kitchen counter. It was sweet and domestic. As Connor walked away completely, he heard Jude begin to hum.

Connor sat down at the dining room table.

"What are we doing today?" Connor asked.

"Subtraction. I hate subtraction."

"Why?"

"Because I'm bad at it," Mikey sulked.

"That's no reason to hate it. It's all the reason to try and get better though!"

Mikey sighed. "Whatever you say, Dad."

"Come on, try and tell me how to do it."

Mikey launched into his shaky explanation. As he talked, Jude popped in with a small plate of cheese and crackers.

"Brain food," he whispered on his way out.

Mikey interrupted himself. "I'm gonna need _all_ of it, Dad."

"Don't underestimate yourself," Connor told him.

"What's that?"

"It means think too little of yourself or that you can't do something. You can do whatever you put your mind to. So put your mind to subtraction! Let's do this!"

"Let's do this," Mikey said, although he sighed the words.

(-.-)

"They're still quite small," Melissa said, leading Jude and Connor to the back room in her home. "They're not pure Irish Setter. Poppy, that's their mom, is but their dad, Luke, is half Irish Setter and half Golden Retriever. I think I mentioned that in the ad?"

"I think so," Jude confirmed. "Our son is mostly concerned with having a red dog."

"They're red!" Melissa confirmed. "I can't let you get _too_ close. Poppy is still in the protective mother stage. Ordinarily, I wouldn't put up an ad until they were a lot older but it's so close to Christmas."

"And you're sure they're all boys?" Connor asked. "Our son wants a boy."

"We're ninety percent sure. My wife thinks that the one there, on the far left is a female, though, so you might not want to make that one your first choice."

"Good to know."

Jude peeked over at the little. Poppy bobbed her head up. Her ears weren't perked up or pushed flat back, so Jude felt that, as long as they stayed at their current distance, she'd be okay. There were about six puppies lying next to her belly, still too small to do much of anything.

"What do you think?" Connor asked.

"Well, that one there has the brightest coat," Jude said, pointing to the one directly in the middle.

"And it's squirming," Connor added. "An active red haired dog for an active red haired boy?"

Jude turned to Melissa. "We'd like the one in the centre."

"Then he's all yours. Would you pick a nail polish colour for me?"

"A nail polish colour?" Connor repeated. "What for?"

"We paint their claws so that we can tell who goes to who. I don't like putting collars on them when they're too young."

"Oh, I see," Connor said. "In that case, we'll be blue."

Melissa smiled at them and picked up a notebook on a nearby end table. "So, blue for … Jude and Connor, was it?"

"That's right."

"And if you'd just write down your phone number here," she said, passing the book over to Jude.

"I'll call with any updates or anything along those lines. Right now, we're looking to get them out of here around twenty-fourth or so of January."

"Okay, that sounds good."

"You said he was for your son?" Melissa asked.

"He's six. He's been asking for a puppy since … last Christmas, practically," Jude said.

"I can e-mail you some pictures of him, if you want. And maybe some time after Christmas you can drive him over to see the puppy."

"That would be so great, Melissa. Thank you."

"It's my pleasure. Last thing is that I do need half of the total payment for the puppy before I can officially promise him to you."

"Oh, of course." Connor reached for his wallet. "I have it in cash, is that all right?"

"One hundred percent." Melissa flipped to a new page in her notebook and began writing. "I always write out little receipts that say you paid or you didn't. The first time I sold a litter, I got into some issues with it, so now I like to be careful."

"Better for us that way too," Jude said.

Melissa signed it with a flourish and ripped the notebook page out. She handed it to Connor and flipped back to her original page. "And if you just want to sign next to where it says paid."

Jude and Connor both did.

"Congratulations on your puppy," Melissa said. "We'll be in touch!"

"Thank you, so much."

"Thank _you_ ," she said meaningfully.

Jude and Connor left her small, one story house and went back to Connor's car.

"Mikey's going to be so excited!"

"I'm _excited_ ," Jude said, laughing. "It's going to be a great Christmas."

Connor reached out his hand and Jude took it.

"And now, the rest of the Christmas shopping."

"Yes," Jude agreed. "Let's just get it all out of the way today. Except for your present. I already have your present."

"What's my present?"

Jude was only half paying attention. He had opened up his Christmas list on his phone and was going over it. Still, he answered, "Edible underwear."

Connor's eyebrows rose and he glanced away from the road and to Jude. "For you or for me?"

"Both. I figured it would be fun to see who could eat it off the other the quickest."

"I like the sound of that challenge! Although, they should be a Christmas Eve present and not an under-the-tree present."

Jude laughed. "And the next time I actually buy you edible underwear, I'll keep that in mind."

"Maybe I'll get lucky next Christmas."

Jude settled himself down in the passenger seat. "You know …"

"Uh oh. That's your serious voice."

"The sex thing."

 _The sex thing_ , Connor repeated in his head. "What about it? I keep telling you I'm not pushing –"

"I want to push." Jude interrupted.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the first time …" Jude took a breath. "The first time we were figuring the sex thing out, it's not like we went straight from kissing to sex."

"It took us _years_."

"Because we were thirteen! I'm not saying years. My point was is that it's not sex or nothing. I want to start trying the in between again."

"Are you ready for that?"

"If you let me stay in one place, I will. I need little pushes. And, I don't know if you know this, but you're kind of sexy, Connor."

"Kind of?" Connor repeated with an eyebrow cock.

"Don't push it!"

"You just said that was what you wanted!"

Jude laughed and Connor reached over to him. He took Jude's hand and lifted it to his lips, kissing at his knuckles.

"Are you ready for it?" Jude asked.

"Yeah," Connor said. "I'm ready."

"Then maybe tonight …"

"We don't need to jump back into anything right away."

"It's hardly right away. And I've been thinking about it for a while. I didn't wat to say anything until I was sure, because I didn't want to disappoint you."

"You're not disappointing, ever."

"You keep saying that."

"I mean it every time." Connor pulled into the crowded shopping mall parking lot. "Ready?"

"No. But this is what we get for waiting until December."

"At least it's not the week before."

Jude made a horrified noise, and then they got out of the car.

(-.-)

Connor carefully clipped all of their day's receipts together while Jude sorted their newly purchased Christmas gifts into one their suitcases. He checked the closet to make sure that he hadn't missed any bags. They had gotten home just before Mikey did, so Connor had needed to rush up the stairs with all of the bags on his arm and throw them in the first place that he thought was safe. But the closet was not spectacularly safe. Their bedroom wasn't a good hiding place at all; Mikey was in and out too much.

The suitcases were their usual Christmas hiding spot. They lived in the crowded, junky closet of Connor's office. Nothing in there had ever interested Mikey and, even if it had, things in the closet were too hard to get to. Mikey never spared it a second thought.

"Well, it's good to put back."

Connor groaned. The hiding spot almost wasn't worth the effort it took to use. Still, he tucked the receipts safely into his nightstand and went to grab the suitcase Jude had zipped up.

"I didn't mean you had to do it."

"You dug it out. It's only fair. It's not humane to ask people to deal with that closet more than once in a day."

Jude laughed. "All right. Don't get eaten."

"Did you stick an alligator or something in there?"

"Merry Christmas," Jude quipped.

Connor laughed, and then quieted as he opened their bedroom door. He had to move near silently as he snuck over to the office. Ordinarily, tiny noises wouldn't wake Mikey. On nights where Connor _couldn't_ have him wake, though … Well, that was just Connor's luck. He maneuvered the suitcase back into nearly exactly the position it had been in before. He wouldn't put it past Mikey to notice if it had been moved. His task completed, and with no sign of an alligator, Connor shut the closet door and went back to their room.

He closed the door behind him and flicked out the main light, just as Jude switched on the lamp on his bedside table. Connor flopped onto the bed next to him.

"It makes me happy," Connor said.

"What does?"

"Spending Christmas here. I thought about it, sometimes. About how everything would go. How it would work. How happy Mikey would _really_ be through all of it."

"But you're home."

"I'm home," Connor repeated, and it tasted sweet. "And, next weekend, after we get our tree, I'll make those cookies you like."

"I wait all year for those."

"They're Christmas cookies! I can't make them any other time of the year."

"You _won't_ ," Jude corrected.

"I'll make a big batch. I know how much you like them." Connor propped himself up, reaching one arm over him and tugging his t-shirt up to expose the bottom strip of his stomach. "And, if I remember correctly, you liked this too."

He pressed his lips to Jude's skin. As if cued, Jude gasped. Connor smiled, satisfied with himself. Jude had always been sensitive there. This time, Connor made sure Jude could feel a little of his teeth and Jude responded with a little _'oh'_ sound. The moment was bittersweet; it was familiar and new all over again. How many times had they started out like this? Connor knew it was a sure fire way to get Jude wound up and so he used the move more than any other. But he had stopped savouring the moments. It had been a means to an end, instead of intimate in and of itself.

Connor moved his head a little lower, his mouth on the waist of Jude's jeans. He exhaled heavily. Beneath him, Jude moved. He felt Jude's hand on the back of his head.

"Now who's the tease?" Jude asked.

"I _like_ it," Connor replied, making sure his words skimmed across the denim. "But …"

"But …"

It pained Connor to do it, but he sat up. He propped himself up over Jude's face. He touched their foreheads together. "I need to know something."

Jude nodded. "Okay?"

"I know you said to push a little. And I know that sex is a big boundary right now."

"The point of this is to work up to it. It's been a long time since we did anything more than kiss. And because my attempt made it so that you had to know everything emotional and mental again right away, I feel like physical is the only thing that I have left to ease back into. Going zero to a hundred on my end but not on yours makes me feel a little disorientated. It wasn't … growing together so much as me being thrown at you."

"I caught you." Connor kissed him lightly. "And I understand, Jude. What I wanted to talk about is a little boundary. Anything that I should know is a little too far to push at. I don't want to end up pushing us backward."

"Well, are you uncomfortable with anything?"

Connor shook his head. "I get the easing back into thing. I do. But I'm ready for all of it, when you're ready for all of it … Hey, no, don't look like that."

"Look like what?"

"Guilty. I'm not upset. It's just like how in high school you were ready for this before I was. You let me set the pace then and I'm letting you set the pace now. Same thing."

Jude nodded. Connor was just relieved he no longer looked guilty.

"So," Connor prompted. "Are you going to answer now?"

Jude nodded. "Lay back."

Connor flipped onto his back, though he propped himself up onto his elbows, watching Jude. "You know, that's not _really_ an answer, though, right?"

"I know." Jude straddled Connor's lower legs and reached for the button on Connor's jeans. "But this is what I want you to do to me."

Connor lifted his hips so Jude could roll down his jeans just enough. Then, he had to clamp his back teeth together. It had been so long since anyone but himself had touched him. And Jude was good with his hands. A loud moan escaped him. Jude was better with his mouth.

"Quiet," Jude said, lifting off him. "Mikey will hear you."

"Sorry."

"And I'll have to stop."

"No, don't stop. _Please_."

Jude was too good at what he did. He was better than Connor was. He let out a more muted moan.

" _Fuck_. Jude, _fuck_."

Connor reached his hands down to Jude, gripping at the back of his head, even as his hips rose up.

"Jude … Jude … _Oh … oh_."

"Oh," Jude repeated, rising up off him. "Oh."

"Oh." Connor took a breath. "I think you're going to be a little disappointed if you want me to do _exactly_ that for you."

"Well, I've hardly ever been disappointed by you."

"Hardly ever?" Connor sat up, indignant, even as Jude settled himself down next to him. " _Hardly ever_?"

Jude grinned and repeated it. " _Hardly_ … _ever._ "

"Why did I marry you?" Connor asked, shaking his head.

"I don't know," Jude answered. His voice was quiet and honest.

Connor readjusted his underwear and stripped off his jeans. "The correct answer, Jude, is because I love you and because you are, hands down the most extraordinary person I've ever met."

"You're sweet."

"You deserve sweet," Connor said, nuzzling the side of Jude's neck. "And maybe a little something … I can't think of a naughty opposite to sweet. Salty? Sour?"

Jude laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too," Connor said. "So?"

"So?" Jude looked up at him, expectantly. "Your turn."

"My turn."

Connor put his hands on Jude. He was wearing old jeans today and the denim was soft under his hands. He ran his hands up and down Jude's thighs. Jude closed his eyes, biting down on his lower lip. Connor was glad Jude couldn't see. That way, he wouldn't notice how Connor's hands were shaking. He wasn't _scared_ ; he wanted this. But it had been so long. Connor had dreamt of this moment. Connor loved him.

Connor just loved him.

He kissed at Jude's stomach, letting his mouth linger so that Connor could feel his breath rise and fall. Gently, he used his mouth to undo Jude's buttons and his zipper. It was something that Jude had never been able to master; he always fumbled on the button. Connor had spent too many hours laughing as Jude mouthed at Connor's fly, trying to get his teeth to figure out how to work buttons.

His breath catching at the thought, Connor slid Jude's jeans down. Connor had barely put his lips to Jude when Jude sighed his name.

"A bit quick for that, isn't it?" Connor teased.

"I just like your name," Jude replied.

"Sure," Connor mused. "It's got nothing to do with liking … _this_."

It only took a few moments for Jude to release another small sound.

"Okay," he half-panted, "I like that too."

Connor had a half-clever reply on his tongue, but he didn't bother with it. He was too caught up in Jude; Jude was too caught up in him. He couldn't have moved away or let go. There was so much that Connor had missed about Jude, and the way that he smelled and tasted and sounded in moments like this were all parts of it. Jude let out one last, long noise. Connor slowly moved away from him. He kissed Jude's stomach and then laid down next to him.

Jude turned to face him. Connor carefully studied his expression but Jude seemed happy and content. He seemed like he always did after this.

"You weren't that bad," Jude assured him. "But maybe you could use a little more practice."

"Are you trying to get me into bed again?"

"I have you in bed every night," Jude reminded him. "But this was good."

"Not too big of a push?"

"Nope, not even a little."

Connor curled his arm around Jude, rubbing his back. Jude moved so that he was half on top of Connor.

"Now, we sleep," Jude murmured.

"Now, we sleep."

Connor held him tightly and closed his eyes. This was how things were supposed to be. He and his husband, happy and in love, with their son safe a few doors away. Connor would never take it for granted again.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **I Won't Give Up**_ **by Jason Mraz;** _ **Your Side Of The Bed**_ **by Little Big Town; and** _ **Move Together**_ **by James Bay.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	22. Is That Everything's Just Fine Fine Fine

"Why can't I go?"

"Because it's a grown up party," Jude told Mikey. "Connor, have you seen my dress shoes?"

"Not since the last Christmas party!" Connor said. "Come do my tie."

"Thirty seven and he can't tie a tie," Jude grumbled playfully to Mikey.

"I can tie a tie! Dad, can I try? Please?"

"Sure." Connor sat down on the bed next to Mikey. "Take a whack at it."

Mikey crawled closer and began to play with Connor's tie. "Why is a grown up party and a kid party not the same?"

"This one's a lot less fun," Jude said. "Do you think they're downstairs?"

"Where downstairs? You never kept them in the front closet. It's too small; they would get scuffed."

Jude shut his closet door. "Mikey, have you seen them? You went through a phase of playing in the closet."

"Seen what?" Mikey asked.

"My black dress shoes."

"Nope! I don't know what you're talking about."

Jude opened his closet door again.

"All done!" Mikey announced. He sat back from Connor. "You look very pretty, Dad."

"Thanks." Connor stood up and went to check the mirror. To his surprise, the tie was decently well done. It was a little crooked but even he could tell that the knot was well done. "Who taught you how to do it, Mikey?"

"Father!" Mikey glanced at Jude. "When he had a tired day he would stay in bed. And so I'd find things to do in bed. And one day he taught me how to tie ties."

"It's very impressive, Mikey. Thank you for doing it for me."

"Found them!" Jude called from where he was half inside of the closet. "This is what I get for not thinking about them for a year."

Connor shrugged. "Vengeful shoes. Who knew?"

Jude rolled his eyes and sat next to Mikey on the bed. Mikey crossed his legs underneath of him.

"What time are you picking me up from Uncle Brandon's tomorrow?"

"Twelve-thirty. And right afterward, we're going to get the Christmas tree. So make sure you put on clothes and not just your PJs, okay?"

"Okay, Father!"

"Is your bag all packed?" Connor asked.

"I'll go check!" Mikey somersaulted off the bed and dashed to his room.

Connor watched him go, shaking his head. Then he turned to his husband and said, "Jude, if you don't want to go, just say so."

"I'm nervous about going. I never said I didn't want to." Jude shrugged. "It'll be hard. But, you know, when we decide that it's time to say we're really back together, everything will be hard for a while. Might as well get a head start on it."

"Optimism, I like it."

Jude rolled his eyes.

"My bag's packed!" Mikey yelled.

"Good!" Jude called back. "I think Uncle Brandon is in the driveway!"

Connor and Jude followed their son down the stairs. They would have to depart right after him. Mikey opened the door before Brandon could even knock.

"Ready?" Brandon asked.

"Ready, ready!" Mikey said, but he turned around and hugged his parents tightly.

"We'll see you tomorrow," Connor said. "I love you."

"I love you too!" Mikey said, before leaping on Jude. "I love you, Father."

"I love you too. Have fun with Marley."

"But not too much," Brandon said, hefting Mikey's bag. "Troublemakers."

"Good luck," Connor said.

"Night, Connor. Night, Jude."

"Night, Brandon!"

Jude shut the door behind his older brother. He turned back to Connor, who was shrugging on his coat.

"Oh, come here," Jude said. "Your knot is crooked."

"That's what I get for letting a six-year-old tie it." Connor stood still as Jude reached to adjust his tie.

"Well, if you could do it yourself …"

"Usually you do it."

"Well, I'm fixing it."

Connor looked up at Jude. "How do I look now?"

"Good," Jude said. He smoothed his hands across the front of Connor's suit and then up over his shoulders. "You always look good."

"Never as good as you."

"Uh-huh," Jude managed, before he kissed Connor.

Connor could have stayed in their front entrance all night. But Jude tilted away all too quickly for Connor.

"We're going to be late."

"That's okay."

Jude straightened Connor's tie again. "No, it's not. You know it's not."

"I know." Connor turned around and went to grab his keys.

"No, no." Jude pushed Connor's arm down and reached to grab his keys. "I'm driving home."

"It's your year to have wine with dinner."

"Antidepressants," Jude said. "I shouldn't drink on them."

"You _can_ ," Connor pointed out. "Isn't that what Dr. Nadine said?"

Jude bounced his keys against his palm. "Well, _yeah_. There won't be any adverse reactions and it won't make me sick. It's just not recommended because alcohol's a depressant. Which isn't a plus for already depressed people. I don't need to drink and if I want to push it, I don't want to do it in public. It's okay, Connor. I know you like the wine they serve with dinner."

"Okay. But if you change your mind, just say so. I don't hate your car as much as you hate mine."

Jude smiled. "Thanks, but it's okay." He kissed Connor's cheek and put on his own coat. "Let's go."

They left the house, Jude locking up behind them. They got into the car and drove off to the hotel ballroom that hosted Connor's work party.

(-.-)

"Jude! Hi! I didn't think you were going to come this year!"

Jude held his arms open as Amber hugged him. "You look great."

"Red always was my best colour! This is my date, Cassandra."

"Hi, I'm Connor." Connor stood up a little from his chair, reaching around the candle in order to shake her hand.

As he settled back in his head, Jude was doing the same. Jude leant over and whispered, "What happened to Danny? Last year she said he was the one."

"Passed away in July," Connor whispered back. "She met Cassandra about a month ago. She's been really smiling again."

Jude nodded in understanding and then sat up. "So, Cassandra, what do you do for work?"

"I own a bakery, actually. My sister and my two brothers. My mom and dad started one store and then my sister and my older brother opened a new one and me and my younger brother stayed at the original. Cakes are our speciality. My sister and I like the huge flashy cakes while my brothers like to experiment with flavours. We're a good match for siblings stuck in a bakery business family." She laughed awkwardly and reached for her wine. "What about you, Jude?"

"I'm going back to school, actually. In the new year."

Jude took a shaky breath. Under the table, Connor reached over and rubbed at the top of the leg. He knew that it was hard for Jude to admit that he no longer had a job, but he was proud of Jude for doing it at all. Every mention of his future, particularly to someone who wasn't in the know about his attempted suicide, made Connor feel hopeful.

"What for?" Amber asked.

"Law," Jude said. "Um, I know criminal law is the fun one, but I'm leaning toward family law."

"I'm sure you'll be great," Amber said.

"I always loved school," Cassandra said. "I try and take one class at least every year. There's just something about the classroom."

"I'm excited for something new."

Connor smiled into his wine glass. Jude's voice had been genuine. He was excited.

They continued on with their small talk, even as their dinner plates were dropped off. Connor and Jude didn't think too much about trying things off of one another's plates.

"I should have gotten the chicken," Connor lamented.

"I don't know. The gravy on your roast is really good," Jude replied.

Amber leant forward. "So, Connor, did you hear the good news?"

"What's that?"

"Benjamin is retiring. Which means Alyssa is going to looking to promote someone."

Connor laughed. "Well, if she offers it to me, I'd be an idiot to say no."

"What's Benjamin do, exactly?" Jude asked.

"Basically the same thing that Amber and I do now," Connor said.

"But he makes ten more thousand a year and gets every Thursday and Friday off," Amber said. "Life's just not fair."

"Why don't you think you'd get it?" Cassandra asked.

Amber shook her head. "It's going to come down between Sara and Connor. They've been here the same amount of time and they're the ones that have both been here longest that are, well, smart enough to do this job. Alyssa's fair."

"Sara would do better than me. She's brilliant. And she knows what she's doing more often than I do."

"Completely. But Benjamin spends about ninety percent of his day on the phone. You know how Sara is with people."

"I remember her," Jude said. "She's the cranky woman over there, right? With the black hair?"

Connor nodded. "But she's able to put all of that away when she's working."

"She just takes it out on her co-workers," Amber grumbled.

"Oh, I'll protect you from her," Cassandra said.

"Thanks."

Connor gestured to a nearby waiter. "Can I get a wine refill, please?"

"Right away, sir."

"Glass three," Jude murmured.

"Last one, I promise."

"You know you hit your limit at four."

"I know. I know. Stop trying to be my babysitter."

"Butler," Jude corrected. "Isn't that what you said?"

"It is."

"Hey!" Amber said. "What are you two lovebirds gossiping about?"

"Amber," Connor said warningly, "You know we're not together."

"Mhmm," she said, flipping her hair over one shoulder.

"So," Cassandra said, "What are you ordering for dessert? I think Amber and I are both going for the bacio bianco."

"The dessert menu never changes, even when the dinner menu does. Connor will be getting the cappuccino mud pie and I'll be getting the pears. Then we split."

"The pears sound boring. Who wants to just eat pears for dessert?"

"They're not actual pears," Connor laughed. "It's some kind of ice cream."

"Hazelnut gelato," Jude corrected.

"Same thing as ice cream," Connor said with an eye roll. "It's just shaped like a pear."

"With chocolate shavings," Jude added.

"I may be changing my mind," Cassandra murmured.

Waiters came around to collect the empty dinner dishes. In the confusion, Jude leant over to Connor.

"I know after dessert, Alyssa does her speech and then we move onto the casino games thing, but, Connor, I'm feeling really …"

"Burnt out?" Connor guessed. "Don't worry. But we do have to stay until after Alyssa is done. The prize draws and all of that, you know."

"I know."

"And then we can go. Promise." Connor melted into Jude.

"Get off my shoulder, you lush," Jude teased, shrugging.

Connor sat up. "Don't make fun of me."

"I married you for the right to make fun of you," Jude said.

"Sounds like an excellent reason to get married in my opinion," Cassandra laughed.

Jude held up his water and she clinked her wine glass.

In retaliation, Amber toasted Connor. "To the suffering significant others."

"And how much are you suffering?" Jude asked Connor.

"Uh …" he finished his third glass. "Not at all."

"I'm watching you."

" _Good_ ," Connor said. "Fair's _fair_."

Jude rolled his eyes. "Thank God. Dessert."

As the company members and their guests began to eat, Alyssa began her speech. She said nearly the same thing every year. _If it worked_ , Connor supposed. He tuned her out. After all this time, he could have said each line with her. He liked to focus on his dessert and on Jude's dessert.

"Admit that gelato is better than ice cream," Jude said as Connor took a spoonful of it.

"Why?" _Shit._ Was he slurring?

"Because you're a little tipsy and this is the easiest way to get you to agree with me."

"Okay. Gelato is super good. Even better than ice cream."

"Thank you," Jude said. "Oh, and you _are_ slurring."

"That was out loud?"

"That was out loud," Jude repeated.

"Oh."

"Why don't you just be quiet and eat my ice cream?"

"Gelato," Connor corrected.

"You're not as clever as you think you are right now," Jude said.

"Oh, I bet I am."

In the background, Alyssa started to announce the door prize winners. The door prizes, however, were nothing shabby. Benjamin won a new TV, which, Connor thought, wasn't a bad thing to leave with at his last Christmas party. Alyssa filtered through their last few prizes, before arriving at the last one.

"But we always save the best for last," she laughed.

Connor knew she was going to say that.

"And the winner of the all-expenses paid weekend trip to New York, to be used any time in the coming year goes to …" She paused dramatically, reaching around in the fishbowl that everyone had dropped their names into on their way into the dinner. "Connor Adams-Foster-Stevens!"

It took Connor a moment to process that was _his_ name that Alyssa just said. And, even when he had it processed, it took Jude nudging him in his back to get Connor to stand up and walk up to Alyssa. He took every step carefully, not sure that he could keep himself walking steadily. He made it to her without any incidents and, like all of the prizewinners before him, Connor shook her hand and took the small envelope containing the details of his winnings.

"Thank you."

"Thank _you_ ," she responded, "For everything you do for this company."

Connor shook her hand again and made his way back to Jude. In his absence, the waiter had refilled his wine glass. He picked it up, sipping at it as Alyssa made her expected closing remarks.

"So, what happens now?" Cassandra asked Amber.

"Well, they'll rearrange the tables. They'll set up casino games – poker, blackjack, roulette, etcetera. The bar will stay where it is and there will be a small dance floor. Sometimes they get a band, other times it's just a DJ."

"Alyssa got a DJ this year," Connor informed her.

"Oh, good. I always like that better," Amber said.

"And now, let the games begin!" Alyssa announced.

Jude and Connor stood and moved away from the table as staff cleared then and moved them out of the way. They did it quickly and efficiently, but Jude and Connor still had a few moments to themselves.

"How many of those have you had?" Jude asked, looking down at the wine glass still clutched in Connor's hand. "I forgot to keep counting."

"Six." Connor looked down. "Five and a half." He finished off his glass. "Six … I think we should go home soon."

"I agree." Jude lifted the glass out of Connor's hand and put it on a nearby waiter's tray.

"But before that, we have to go and shake hands and say _bye_ ," Connor pointed out. "I don't want to talk to them."

"I'll keep us moving. Come on."

Connor padded along obediently behind Jude. Jude knew who they had to see – the important people in the company and the people in his office that Connor was closest to. He shook their hands, prompted Connor to do so, and then he explained that his brother had called and their son had gotten sick. _Yes_ , Jude said to every one of them, _We're sorry about having to leave so early too._ Connor, on his part, tried not to say anything unless he was asked directly. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew that was the best option for him.

In an impressively short amount of time, Jude was loading Connor into his passenger seat. He grabbed Connor's seatbelt and leant over his husband.

"I'm not a kid," Connor complained.

"No, but right now you're worse."

As Jude was leaning, Connor ran his hand up the inside of inside of Jude's leg.

"How about you keep your hands to yourself?" Jude suggested.

"I want to give my hands to you," Connor protested.

"I know. But you're drunk." Jude pushed the buckle down. He moved backward and kissed Connor's cheek on his way. "Don't get in my way while I'm driving, though, okay?"

"I'll be good," Connor promised. "Until you don't want me to be."

Jude laughed. He closed Connor's door and circled around to the driver's side. Connor rolled down the car window as soon as Jude turned it on.

"You should drive really fast!"

"Yeah, okay, Mikey."

"I'll pay the ticket."

"You're the only one with a job," Jude pointed out. "You'd have to pay the ticket."

Connor slumped across the console to rest his head on Jude's arm. He poked Jude's bicep. "Hey. Hey. Hey."

"Hey what?"

"I'm proud of you."

"Nothing stressful happened. It was just a draining event in and of itself."'

"No, no. Well, yes. But no."

"You're not making a whole lot of sense, Connor."

"I'm the maker of sense," Connor argued. "But I'm proud of you."

"For what? Oh, look, speed limit's going up. Are you ready for this?"

"So ready," Connor said. "I … I was saying something. Jude, was I saying something?"

"You said you were proud of me and I asked why."

" _Oh_. Cause it would have been really, really, _really_ easy for you to give up a million different times. And you never did. And you're still trying and I can see you're still trying and I know you're still hurt. Your hand and your side and your heart and you just keep going."

"Well, thank you," Jude said. "How are you feeling?"

"Super good right now!"

"And what about winning the trip?"

"You always wanted the trip," Connor said.

"I always thought we'd go for our anniversary."

"I remember," Connor said. "Well, since we're married and we're going to stay married and since I think those anniversary things happen more than _once_ unless you don't think we're going to tell anyone by the time August comes around."

"Well, when we have that conversation, you're not going to be drunk for it."

"Erph." Connor turned back into Jude's shirt again.

"Connor. Connor. Connor."

Connor sat up. "Why aren't we moving?"

"Because we're home. I think you fell asleep, hon."

"Hon?" Connor unbuckled his seatbelt and threw open his passenger door. "Uh-oh. Jude's _annoyed_!"

"I'm not annoyed. Why would you say I'm annoyed?"

Connor draped himself across Jude as Jude walked him to the front door.

"Because when you use cutesy names it's 'sweetheart' when you're happy and 'hon' when you're annoyed." He stood on his tip toes to kiss the back of Jude's neck as Jude unlocked the front door. "I'm sorry. I drank too much."

"Yes, you did. But you're kind of funny when you're drunk, so I'll let it pass."

"Thank you, _sweetheart_."

"Get in the house," Jude ordered him.

Connor stumbled in willingly. "Are we going to bed now?"

"Yes, let's go to bed," Jude agreed. "But first, we're going to get you a water bottle from the kitchen."

" _Why_?"

"Because you're going to want water when you wake up but I don't trust you to drink out of a glass."

Connor followed Jude into the kitchen. He kept cuddling Jude, even as Jude maneuvered around the kitchen, filling up a water bottle for him.

"You know what?"

"What?" Jude asked.

"You're wearing a suit. But we're going to bed. Which means I get to get you out of the suit."

"I'm not taking advantage of you while you're this drunk."

"But _, Jude_ , I want you to. _Please_ ," Connor whined.

"Nope, sorry. Come on, upstairs."

Jude took his hand and slowly walked him up the stairs. Connor followed him along happily, grabbing at his butt as he went.

"What did I say about your hands, Connor?"

"I wasn't listening."

They were up on the second floor of the house now, and Connor planted both of his hands on Jude. They were standing in the short hall and Connor pulled Jude back tight against him. "But, Jude."

He skimmed his hands around to the front of Jude.

"Stop it," Jude said. "You're too drunk for this."

"I know," Connor said, more softly each time. "I know. I know."

Jude lifted Connor's hands away from him. He turned around in Connor's arms and kissed him once on the mouth.

"I don't think you could do anything tonight even if you wanted to." Jude kissed him again on his forehead. "That's why your cap is four."

"You're brilliant and I love you."

"I know, I love you too, and you had six, so you can stop schmoozing."

"Maybe I want to schmooze you." Connor giggled as Jude directed him into their room.

"I'm going to go brush my teeth," Jude said. He placed Connor's water bottle on his nightstand. "Are you going to be okay unattended?"

"I'm an _adult_."

"Sure, you are."

Jude went into the bathroom. With shaky hands, Connor stripped off his suit. He found that he didn't have the effort to do anything decent with it and, besides, it looked good on the floor. Connor looked around his room, standing in his underwear. Then, he crawled into bed. The sheets felt good and the comforter was cozy. He spread out in bed and was only keeping himself awake because he was waiting for Jude to come back.

The bathroom door opened.

" _Finally_ ," Connor groaned.

But Jude didn't turn out the lights or join him in bed. Annoyed, Connor sat up. His head felt too heavy. There was Jude, picking up the pieces of his suit.

"Leave _it_. Bed time. You said so."

"Your suit can't stay on the floor all night. Drink some water."

Connor grabbed the water bottle, more to appease Jude than anything else. He took a long swig as Jude finished hanging up Connor's suit. Jude pulled his own suit hanger down and rested it on the foot of the bed.

"Wait!"

Jude dropped his hands away from his tie. "Yes, hon?"

Connor ignored Jude as he climbed out of their bed. He approached Jude, standing in front of him, and reaching for his tie. "Let me."

"So you can throw mine all over the floor too?"

"I'll throw yours all over the bed," Connor swore. "Come on. I still know better than to push. Promise. I just want to undress you."

"Okay," Jude agreed.

"Wait."

"Connor, I'm tired."

"You in a suit is sexy. Let me have this."

"You out of your suit is sexy."

"You out of your suit has got to be pretty sexy too."

With care, Connor stripped Jude's tie off. Then, the suit jacket. He took his time, moving it off Jude's shoulders. He circled around to Jude's back to slowly side the jacket off. He had to lope around back to Jude's front. He undid each button slowly and carefully, revealing Jude's chest beneath. Jude grabbed onto the left half of his button shirt, hiding his ribs away.

"I'm stripping you," Connor reminded him.

"You're an honest drunk," Jude said.

"I know. That's why I need a babysitter when I'm drinking around people who I need to be able to talk to again, _ever_."

"Not me."

"What don't you know?" Connor said. "Quiz me, if it'll give you peace of mind. I'm an open book. But, I'm warning you, drunk to person, you're not going to hear anything new. Trust that."

Jude let go of his shirt. Even Connor realized it meant a lot. He moved the white dress shirt off of Jude, pausing to kiss the top of his shoulder. It took him a moment to undo the dress pants, but he slid them off Jude, dropping to his knees instead of just letting gravity take over. He took the time to press kisses onto Jude's scars. When Connor kissed him one last time, Jude stepped away from the fabric of his dress pants.

"Satisfied?"

"Sort of," Connor said from the floor. He kissed the outside of Jude's thigh. "Okay, yes. Now I just want to be annoying."

"Back in bed, Connor. Come on."

Connor crawled back into bed as Jude hung up his suit. Finally, Jude flicked the light out and crawled into bed next to Connor.

"Hi, I love you," Connor said, adhering himself to Jude's side.

"Hi, I love you too," Jude laughed.

"I got asked out once," Connor said.

"What?" The laughter was out of Jude's voice.

"I was thinking," Connor said, "about things I didn't know if I told you or not."

"And?"

"I got asked out once. After we separated."

"I got that part," Jude said. "What happened?"

"Nothing. I was ordering food. He introduced himself. Asked if I would want to eat in with him instead of take out. And I said no."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted you. And he wasn't you. So why disappoint us both?"

"You could have said yes."

"No. I couldn't have." Connor was quiet. "I picked my nose until I was seven."

"I knew that."

"Since when?"

"Since the first Christmas party."

"Oh … Oh," Connor repeated. "That was the only thing left that I thought you didn't know."

"The only thing?"

"Uh-huh. Can you make me a promise, Jude?"

"Yeah, of course. What is it?"

Connor sat up. "A pinkie promise, Jude. A serious, serious promise."

"Okay." Jude offered his pinkie. "A serious, serious promise it is."

"Promise that you'll be my only husband. I don't want another one."

"I'm not the only one in control of that."

"No, promise. Please, promise."

"Okay," Jude said. "I promise."

He linked their fingers together and Connor smiled. He settled back against Jude's chest and was content, but only for a moment. Then, he was sitting up again. "Jude?"

"Yes, Connor?"

"Will you sing me a song?"

"Yeah, sure. What song do you want to hear?"

"Whatever you want!" Connor flopped against Jude again.

"Anything you _don't_ want to hear?"

"Um, um, um. No."

Jude kissed him on the top of his head. "All right, I've got it."

Connor snuggled in closer to him as Jude softly sang.

" _Stars shining bright above you,_

" _Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you",_

" _Birds singing in a sycamore tree,_

" _Dream a little dream of me,_

" _Say nighty night and kiss me,_

" _Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me,_

" _While I'm alone and blue as can be,_

" _Dream a little dream of me,_

" _Stars fading but I linger on dear,_

" _Still craving your kiss,_

" _I'm longing to linger till dawn dear,_

" _Just saying this,_

" _Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,_

" _Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you,_

" _But in your dreams whatever they be,_

" _Dream a little dream of me,_

" _Stars fading but I linger on dear,_

" _Still craving your kiss,_

" _I'm longing to linger till dawn dear,_

" _Just saying this,_

" _Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,_

" _Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you,_

" _And in your dreams,_

" _Whatever they be,_

" _Dream a little dream of me."_

(-.-)

"Come on, Connor. Wake up. Come on."

"Uh-uh."

"I know you're tired and probably hungover but you need to get up and get in the shower now."

"Why?" Connor muttered into his pillow.

"Because we have a son who's expecting us to pick him up so we can all go get a Christmas tree." Jude was rubbing Connor's shoulders. "So you need to go and get in the shower."

"Don't need to."

"Trust me, you do."

"Are you saying I smell?"

"Never. Come on, sweetheart."

Connor grumbled and turned his head. Jude had closed the blinds for him. "You're just saying that to make me happy."

"Okay, fine, you stink and I think I can still smell wine on you. You happy?"

"No, the sweetheart part. You haven't …" Connor swallowed. He wasn't going to throw up. "You haven't said that since _way_ before we separated. But I brought it up last night and now it's back."

"I forgot about it," Jude admitted.

"Forgot?" Connor whispered.

"That it was such a … habit," Jude admitted. "But, I'm going to make it one again. If you want me to."

"I want you to. I always liked it."

"Okay, sweetheart," Jude said, "but you need to shower."

"Okay, okay."

"And drink some water."

"I want coffee," Connor said, as Jude pulled him upright in bed.

"And if you drink some water and shower, I'll have coffee ready for when you're done," Jude promised him.

"Okay, okay," Connor said. "Deal."

He and Jude shook on it. Jude went downstairs and Connor dragged himself to the shower. Standing up wasn't his strong suit right now. But he made it into the shower with his water bottle. Between the shampoo and the body wash, he finished off his water. It wasn't a cure, but he felt slightly better. He crawled out of the shower and dried himself off. He got dressed and made it down the stairs. As promised, Jude had coffee ready for him. It was in a travel mug. Jude placed it in his hand.

"Come on, let's go get Mikey."

In no time at all, they were in Jude's car, heading toward Brandon's. They had barely gotten off their street when Jude said, "Connor, you're staring."

"I know. I want to stare. You can't stop me."

"Uh-huh. How's your head?"

"Head's fine. Or, getting closer to fine, anyway."

"So, how much do you remember from last night?" Jude asked.

"All of it. You were sweet. And you sang to me. And taking you out of a suit was just as fun as I remembered." Connor rested his head against the seat. "How are you feeling?"

"Not as bad as I was last night. I just couldn't get out of my head after so long of smiles and small talk."

"You did fine."

"I know. But it used to be easy. So much used to be easy. I wish it were easy again."

"It will be. You're better. I don't know if you can see it, but I can."

"I feel it. Mostly with my family and with you and Mikey."

"I am proud of you."

"You said so last night."

"Yeah, I thought sober it might mean a little more." Connor took a sip of his coffee.

"I'm proud of you too," Jude said. "Just so you know."

"I owed you," Connor laughed. "I know how to be a good husband, I promise."

"And so do I, I promise." Jude reached across the seats.

Connor picked up his hand, transferring his coffee to the other. He kissed Jude's knuckles softly and then just held his hand. He finished off his coffee by the time that they pulled into Brandon's driveway. He let go of Jude's hand and rested his head against the back of the seat.

"Go fetch Mikey. I'm going to stay here."

"All right," Jude said.

Jude got out of the car and Connor pulled out his cellphone. It was Saturday so there wasn't any work e-mails for him to catch up on. That didn't matter, though. Christmas was next week. After the party, most everyone got their few days for Christmas off. Not that it made a huge difference to Connor. Working from home was better than he expected. Even when Jude went back to school and was eventually reemployed, Connor didn't think he'd go back to the office except for when he had to. He liked being in his home office; he liked being there when Mikey got home from school. And he'd be able to do more around the house. Keeping things neat and clean had always been hard when he and Jude were both working, because they were both too lazy to do it when they got home. Usually, Jude had ended up doing the household chores, because Connor would always hide behind his office door.

He broke from his thoughts as the back door opened.

"We're going to get a Christmas tree! We're going to get a Christmas tree! We're going to get a Christmas tree!"

"We're going to get a Christmas tree!" Jude repeated. He stood at the back door and waited to hear the click of Mikey's seatbelt. "Give it a pull, please."

"I got it, Father!"

Jude shut the back door and got in the driver's seat.

"Hey, Mikey?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I have a little headache. Can we make sure to keep our voices at inside voices level?"

"Okay, Dad."

"How was the sleepover?"

"It was fun! We played snakes and ladders! I won the first game and then Marley won the second game but we had to go to bed before we could play the tie breaker. So we did a rock paper scissors and I won _that_. I had rock and she had scissors!"

"Well, congratulations on the win," Jude said.

"Thanks!"

"So, what kind of tree do you want?"

"A fat one! With lots of branches! So we can put _lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots_ –"

" _Okay_ ," Connor said.

"Of ornaments on it!" Mikey finished.

"Well, we'll do our best," Jude promised him.

"How far away is the tree place?" Mikey asked.

"About ten more minutes," Jude said. "Not very far at all."

"Oh, okay. Dad, can you put some music on, please?"

"Sure." Connor turned up the volume on the radio and found something that he thought Mikey would like.

"Was your party fun?" Mikey asked.

"It was as fun as grown-up parties get," Jude said. "Although it was a little boring. You know how grown-ups are."

"I'm going to be a kid forever."

Connor laughed. "Good luck."

"Peter Pan did it," Mikey reminded him. "He's _still_ a kid."

"Well, I guess that's true," Connor mused.

"I guess we'll have to find you a Tinkerbell," Jude mused.

"I'd rather just have a puppy. Is it close enough to Christmas to say if I'm going to get one or not?"

Connor shrugged. "It's not Christmas yet. You never know."

Mikey sighed. "But I want to know! Father, do you know?"

"I have no idea." Jude parked the car and turned it off. "But let's concentrate on the tree today, okay?"

"Okay!" Mikey unbuckled his seatbelt and threw the car door open.

"But it's crowded! So make sure you stay in sight!"

"I will! I will!"

Mikey clambered out of the car and waited patiently for Jude and Connor to exit. He wedged himself between his fathers and took each of their hands. Then, he raced forward, pulling the two of them along behind them. The trees were set up in many long rows. Mikey marched forward, weaving through the other shopping families. He was on a mission.

"Mikey, you're barely stopping to look at them!"

"They're not what I want, Dad!"

And they continued on. They were in one of the last rows, and Connor was beginning to think that they would have to do the whole lot again, when Mikey stopped. He reached out and touched one of the short, thick branches. He shook it and the whole tree rattled.

"Father, stand it up!"

"Please," Connor prompted.

"Please," Mikey echoed.

Jude reached out and picked up the tree by its trunk. He stood it up straight and away from the stand so that Mikey could look around it. Mikey walked around it in a complete circle, eyeing it critically. He shook the tree again.

"This one," he said authoritatively. "I like this one."

"Are you sure?" Connor asked. It was a squat, bushy thing.

"I'm sure," Mikey said. "Can we get this one, please?"

"We told you whatever tree you wanted," Jude said. "But you know we can't bring it back."

"I know! I like it! It's a person!"

Jude laughed. "Sure, come on."

"Got the tree?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, I can handle it."

They walked the tree over to the wooden stand where the trees were to be paid for. The teenager working the stand smiled brightly.

"I like your tree," she said to Mikey.

"Thanks!"

"It's a nice choice. That one is seventeen," she said to Jude.

Connor got out his wallet and handed her a twenty. She passed the change back.

"Happy holidays!"

"Happy holidays," Connor said. They carried the tree over to the car. Mikey clambered inside while Connor fetched the ties from the trunk. He helped Jude maneuver it up onto the roof. It didn't take them long. After so many years of carting Christmas trees on the roofs of cars, they knew how to make sure that it stayed. The drive home was short and Mikey sang along to Christmas carols the entire way. They got home and Mikey bounced up to the door, the keys that Connor had given him were in his hand.

"Hold it open for us, okay?" Jude called.

"Okay!"

Mikey didn't move until the tree was completely through the door and Connor called for him to come in. Mikey bounced onto the living room couch, waiting for Connor and Jude to be done fiddling with it. Jude held the tree up as Connor crawled down and made sure that it was in the tree stand.

"Does it look straight, Mikey?" Connor asked.

"Um. No. It's leaning toward Father."

"What about now?" Jude questioned.

"And now it's leaning toward _me_."

Jude adjusted it.

"There," Mikey said. "That looks good."

Connor screwed the holds into the trunk of the tree.

"Okay, Jude. Let go!"

Connor wiggled out from under the tree and looked back at it. From this angle, at least, the tree looked straight.

"Can we decorate now?"

"Kind of," Jude said. "We have to go and dig the Christmas decorations out of the downstairs closet. Why don't you go and get a glass of water and put some in the tree stand? Do you remember how to do it?"

"I remember!"

"Come on, Connor. Downstairs. We need to go and get the Christmas decorations."

Mikey scampered off to the kitchen and Jude and Connor headed down the stairs. Jude opened the closet door and reached it. He yanked out the box of lights and then the Christmas decorations. Then, he eyed the rest of the boxes piled in the closet.

Connor sighed. "Yeah, you're right."

Jude turned his head to look at him. "Right about what?"

"You were just thinking that we should decorate the house today, right? I mean, Christmas is going to happen _soon_ and we've been procrastinating on decorating anyway."

Jude smiled and reached in, smacking a cardboard box down in Connor's arms. "Start lugging, sweetheart."

"See, now you're just trying to be obnoxious about it."

"Never," Jude promised. "Really. Just getting used to using it again."

"Kiss me?"

Jude looked at the stairs.

"I can hear Mikey singing to the tree. Come on, just a quick one."

Jude leant over the box and, even with the two of them leaning, barely made his lips brush Connor's.

"Let's _go_ ," Jude said, "No time to waste!"

"Hey, I'm not the only doing this work! Grab your own box!"

"I'm grabbing! I'm grabbing!"

"That's my ass," Connor pointed out.

"You said to grab," Jude said, laughing. "All right, all right, I've got the boxes."

It took them several trips to move all of the boxes up and into the living room. By the time they had everything up, Mikey had already untangled one string of lights.

"Good job!" Jude said. "Thank you!"

"Welcome!" He looked up. "But, _Father_ , I _hate_ fixing the lights."

"How about you and Dad start putting these ones on the tree and I'll get the other string?"

"Deal!" Mikey scrambled to his feet and raced to Connor. "Come on, Dad! Time for the lights!"

Connor happily wrapped the first string of lights around the tree. By the time he had done it to Mikey's satisfaction, Jude had the second string of lights ready to go. Connor put them on the tree and then Mikey popped open one of the boxes.

"Ornaments! Father, help me reach up high!"

"I'm tall too!" Connor protested.

"Not tall enough!" Jude quipped.

"I can reach the top of the tree!"

"Oh well. I've got him!"

Jude held Mikey up so he could decorate the top half of the tree. Connor passed him up decorations as directed. With the top half of the tree crowded, Jude sat Mikey down on his own two feet and Mikey buzzed around, grabbing decorations and putting them carefully on the lower branches. The tree was a mix-match of many different ornaments and thrown on with the chaos expected of the six-year-old. He ran out of ornaments and slumped with disappointment.

"Don't forget the tree topper," Jude said. He picked the Christmas angel up out of her box.

"Hold me up!"

Jude scooped him up so that Mikey could place the dark-haired angel, dressed in her starry blue robe, on top of the tree. Mikey put her down carefully.

"Is she crooked, Dad?"

"No, she's perfect."

Jude put Mikey down.

"Now, what?" Mikey asked.

"Well, Dad's going to make cookies and I'm going to decorate some more around the house."

"I wanna bake cookies!"

"Then, come on with me," Connor said. "Time to bake the Christmas cookies!"

Connor and Mikey buzzy happily around the kitchen. Connor measured out the ingredients and Mikey dumped them into the bowl. With all of them in, Mikey stirred them together. Then, as Connor rolled out the dough, Mikey picked out his cookie cutters.

"Do we have any of the sparkly sprinkles?"

"I bet we do!"

Mikey stood up on the kitchen stool and carefully pressed the cookie cutters into the dough.

"Dad, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

Mikey pressed another cutter into the dough. He didn't say anything. He just focused on his work.

"Come on, Mikey. What is it?"

Mikey sucked in a breath. "When I was at Uncle Brandon's, I heard him on the phone. And I didn't tell Marley, 'cause I didn't want her to be mad at me like I was mad at Chris and JP."

"What happened?"

"Uncle Brandon was on the phone. And I heard him say 'I love you' to someone and her name was Abby. I don't know what to do."

"What do you think that you should do?"

"I don't know. Because secrets are bad but sometimes you shouldn't say things. She might think I was lying like I thought Chris and JP were lying."

"Do you think that Uncle Brandon is going to tell her?"

Mikey nodded. "Uncle Brandon loves Marley and you always tell the truth to people you love."

"Secrets are hard, Mikey. And, you're right, usually it's not good to have them. But sometimes, people don't keep secrets to be mean. Sometimes, people keep them because it's not the right time yet. Uncle Brandon will tell Marley when he's sure. Imagine how confusing it would be if Uncle Brandon introduced her to people that he didn't love and so people kept walking in and out. Does that make sense?"

"I think so," Mikey said. "But if he loves her, then she must be important."

"Probably," Connor agreed. "But he loves Marley more. And so he needs to be sure so that he doesn't hurt her. I know it's hard to say nothing, but it's the best thing, okay?"

"Okay," Mikey agreed. "Does this mean that Marley is going to get a new mother?"

"Not a new mother," Connor corrected. "A step-mother. That doesn't mean Uncle Brandon doesn't love Marley's biological mother and it doesn't mean he's going to replace her. People can fall in love with different people. It doesn't mean they love people in their past any less."

Mikey pushed his cookie cutter down again and Connor watched as Mikey lifted the Christmas tree cut out onto the baking sheet.

"Dad, you and Father are still getting a divorce, right?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Then you might fall in love with someone else."

Connor's heart was shrieking no. To Mikey, he said, "Your father and I were together for a _very_ long time and were in love for a _very_ long time. Those feelings don't just go away. You won't wake up one morning and find that there's someone else who we're expecting you to treat as a parent. It would be a very unfair thing us to do to you. If it ever happened, you would still be our very first priority because no one matters to us more than you do."

Mikey nodded.

"But I don't want you to worry about it too much. That kind of thing isn't coming up soon, all right?"

"All right." Mikey nodded again, this time more forcefully. "I love you both the most too."

Connor kissed the top of his head. "Okay. Now, let's see if you can squeeze it one more shape with this dough."

Mikey pressed down the cookie cutter. "Got it! It's a snowflake, see?"

"I see."

"How long will they take took cook?"

"About twenty minutes," Connor said.

"I'm going to go see what Father's doing."

"All right."

Connor slid the cookies into the warm oven and placed the baking sheet down. He shut the oven, set the timer, and went off in search of Jude. Jude was walking up the stairs, wrapping a garland around the bannister. Mikey was bopping up the stairs with him, telling him about the cookies they had made and how he planned to decorate them.

"Have you seen the living room?" Jude called down the stairs.

"Is it decorated like all the past couple of years?"

"Why mess with a good thing?" Jude asked. "But, go look anyway."

Connor stuck his head in the living room. It was just how Christmas always looked at their house; from the wooden reindeer on the coffee table to the snowflake blanket over the back of the couch. Fake snow adorned the top of the TV and there were festive figures firmly planted into it. They were always a struggle to get to stand up on the uneven surface, but there was minimal leaning this year. Connor was impressed.

He gathered the stuffed snowmen that always stood at the top of the stairs and headed up to the second floor of the house.

"Plug it in, Mikey," Jude said.

Mikey plugged in the garland and the soft white lights lit up.

"It works!" Mikey announced.

"It works!" Connor echoed.

Connor placed the snowmen down at the top of the stairs and Mikey immediately reordered them. Now, they were tallest to shortest. Then, he shuffled them around again, so that the smallest one was in the middle.

"So now it's us," he explained to his parents. "Our family."

"That's very sweet," Jude said, ruffling his hair. "Have you thought of any decorations we forgot?"

"Uh …" Mikey mused. "The door wreath! Did you do the door wreath?"

"Go check."

Mikey booked it down the stairs.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," Jude sang as they walked down the stairs.

"It's beginning to look a lot like you're happy."

Jude nodded. "I'm a little nervous, though. Monday is my last appointment with Dr. Nadine until January."

"She believes in you. And I believe in you. And Mikey believes in you. Everything's going to be fine. And she said you can call her cell phone if there's an emergency, right?"

"Right," Jude said.

"It's not that long. You can do it. We'll take care of you."

"You got the wreath!" Mikey shouted and he slammed the front door loudly.

"You don't need to slam."

"Sorry, Father!"

Mikey appeared at the bottom of the steps, meeting them as they made it down to the first floor. He sidled up to Connor and whispered loudly, "Dad, Father put tinsel in your shoes."

Connor rolled his eyes and pretended to look annoyed. "Did he?"

"No," Jude said. "Elves did it."

Mikey laughed and skipped about before circling back to his parents. He stood next to them, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

"Is it Christmas yet? I want it to be Christmas!"

"Not quite!" Connor scooped Mikey up, just because he could. "It's Saturday. Christmas Eve is on Wednesday."

That's so far away!" Mikey complained, going limp and leaning back to look at Jude. "Can you make it come faster?"

"No, sorry."

" _Ugh_ ," Mikey said. "I want Christmas."

In the kitchen, the timer dinged.

"How about cookies?" Connor offered.

"Okay!" Mikey sat up in Connor's arms. As Connor began to walk off, Mikey turned around, "Come on, Father."

Connor paused in time to catch Jude's smile.

"I'm coming," he said. "Those cookies are my favourite."

"I know. That's why we made extras," Connor told Mikey. "Father's going to get fat off them."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No, never! I'm saying my cookies will _make_ you fat."

Connor placed Mikey on the counter and pulled the cookies out of the oven. They were perfectly cooked. When Mikey stretched out toward it, Jude barked a warning.

"It's _hot_! It just came out of the oven."

Mikey pulled his hand back. "But I want one!"

"Soon! And we need to decorate them first!"

"After they cool. Come on, let's make some really yummy frosting while we wait!"

"Okay!" Mikey jumped down from the counter. "Can we make it red? Or green?"

"We can make some of each," Jude promised him.

"Yes!" Mikey said, pumping his first into the air. "Dad! We're making frosting!"

"I heard! I heard!"

"And it's going to be the bestest frosting ever!"

"I bet it will be!" Connor agreed. He popped the second tray of cookies into the oven as Jude laid out the frosting supplies. He caught his husband's eye, and found himself repeating, "I bet it will be."

 **The song that Jude sings to Connor is** _ **Dream A Little Dream Of Me**_ **by The Mamas And The Papas. Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Fall For You**_ **by Secondhand Serenade; and** _ **When You Are Near**_ **by Carolina Liar.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	23. I'm Hard But I'm Friendly Baby

Connor looked up from his cell phone as Jude entered the room. It was late, nearly eleven, and he was more than ready to go to sleep. He could easily remember days when eleven p.m. was too early to consider eating dinner, let alone going to sleep. Usually Jude looked as exhausted as he did, but tonight, Jude's face was tense; his eyebrows were drawn tightly and his mouth was set in a straight line. He had a plain white envelope in his hands.

"What's that?" Connor asked.

"Dr. Nadine and I talked about it today," Jude said. He sat down at the end of the bed. "And after this, there's something else."

"Okay," Connor said, confused. "Is it a letter?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "Kind of. Um. Just … Just read it."

He handed it to Connor. It was a plain white envelope. There wasn't even an address on it. He turned it over. It hadn't been sealed, either. The tip of the envelope had just been tucked inside. Connor opened it. Inside, there was a single sheet of white paper. He unfolded it. It wasn't addressed to him or to anyone else, but it was definitely Jude's hand writing. Connor closed his eyes before reading it.

"Is this your suicide note?" Connor asked.

"Y-y-yeah."

Connor opened his eyes and looked down at the script.

 _I'm sorry. It had to be this way. I just want you all to be happy. Please, be happy. Mikey, I'm proud of you._

Connor had to read it at least ten times. Then, he looked up at Jude. "This was all you wrote?"

"I thought that was all that was needed to be said."

He didn't even sign it. "And now?"

"I could write a novel and still not say everything." Jude shrugged. "Um. Dr. Nadine didn't say that I should show it to you. But we talked about it. And I … I don't know. I wanted you to see it but I can't explain why."

"Well," Connor said, folding it back up and choosing his words carefully. "Thank you for showing me."

"That's not the important part," Jude said. "That's not what Dr. Nadine said I should show you."

"Okay. Then what is?" Connor put Jude's letter on the nightstand. He didn't know what to do with it. He hadn't even thought about Jude ever writing a note – he certainly hadn't noticed it on that day or any day after.

"I wrote you another letter." Jude placed a second envelope in Connor's hands.

This one had his name scrawled on the front. Connor untucked the back flap from the envelope and pulled the paper out. This one was a bit longer.

"What is it?"

"I wanted to tell you exactly what I was feeling and thinking. But it's kind of hard to say out loud sometimes."

Personally, Connor thought he and Jude did really well with telling each other what they were thinking. He glanced down at the letter. Maybe Jude hadn't been saying enough.

"Do you want me to read it now?" Connor asked. "Or do you want me to wait until you're not right here?"

"I'm going to go brush my teeth and stuff," Jude said. "I want you to read it now."

"Okay, I'll do that."

Connor waited until Jude had shut their bathroom door before laying out the letter. Jude's writing was small and cramped, as if he were hesitant. Still, Connor could make everything out easily.

 _Connor,_

 _I thought about starting this letter at the beginning. But then, I thought, the beginning of what? That would be too much time for us to go through. And so, I thought, September. Because I'm hoping that was our new beginning. My suicide attempt is still hard for me to talk about; I think it will always be hard, particularly because I now regret it so much. And I don't want to get into detail, here, because that isn't the point of this letter. The point of this letter is you._

 _I know that I can be flip-floppy. Maybe not as much now, but I know I was. I know I'm hard to live with. I'm sorry. This isn't supposed to be a pity-party either. I just want you to know that I know I'm not easy to live with all of the time. I know that the way that I am is hard and that it means so much to me that you don't love me in spite of the way I am and what I'm going through. You just love me. And I feel that. I feel that so much and I can't put into words the way that it feels to feel that you love me._

 _I wanted to talk about you, because I think that it could be pretty easy to feel unappreciated. You do everything and you don't get much for it. Mikey is six and even though we know he loves us, sometimes it's easy to feel run over by him. I'm just as bad, if not worse. But I see it. I see everything you do. I see how hard you try, even though it's frustrating for you and you must be cursing me over and over in your head. I wouldn't ever blame you if you did something like that. I would want you to tell me. I want you to share with me, even the bad stuff. We're here to share everything. But, Connor, there's one thing that I have to say above everything else._

 _Thank you._

 _Thank you for working so hard at your job, just to look up from your desk and work so hard for me. Thank you for all the effort you put into making lunch and getting me out of bed. I know you're trying so hard to not be the person from the past couple of years, and I need you to know that you aren't. You're the boy that I met all of those years ago, with your big, sweet gestures and those eyes that see right through me. You're the man that I can count on. You've changed so much. I don't know whether it was the separation or if it was being forced into this weird, protective role. But, I'm proud of you, even for the way that you've been treating our son. He's so happy._

 _I don't know if I ever said thank you, though, for saying yes in the hospital waiting room. For agreeing to come back, even though we were so far apart and it wasn't even close to fair to you. It would have been so easy for you to say no and go back to your life and for nothing to change. But my whole life changed again and, just like always, you were right there for it. I wouldn't be half the man I was if I had never known you._

 _I think I wanted this letter to say more than I ended up writing into it. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I appreciated you and how much I know what you do. I'm proud of you. And, I love you. I know sometimes it seems that I don't or that I'm unsure of us. You never look like you doubt me but I'm worried, on the inside, that you do and you just don't want to stress me out. Sometimes I worry you do that. But I want you to know, Connor, I'm sure. I'm sure of us. I'm sure of us having a future. I'm so in love with you. I know it's taking us some time to go from here to there, but someday I'm going to kiss you in our kitchen and listen to our son say 'ew' and hold your hand in public and introduce you as my husband and, when we've been married fifty years … Well, I don't know if we'll ever find this funny, but we'll agree it made us stronger. Thank you, for being strong when I couldn't be._

Connor carefully folded the letter and placed it on top of Jude's suicide note. He put his face down in his hands, tightly closing his eyes. It seemed like he was stuck there for an eternity, until the bathroom door creaked open.

"Connor?"

"Come here," Connor said, his voice muffled.

He listened to Jude pad across the floor and felt the tilt of the bed as Jude sat down next to him. Jude started rubbing his arm, but Connor just threw himself against Jude, tucking his head against Jude's shoulder.

"You're crying," Jude realized. "Connor, I'm sorry."

"I need you to tell me something."

"Anything."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you ask me to come stay with you?"

"I didn't want anyone else to know. That was a big part of it and you knew that. I never expected to explain myself. I never expected to have to deal with people knowing what I had tried to do. I had thought, once, that if it didn't work out, if somehow I lived, that things would just go on the same. I didn't factor anyone else into it. But you knew."

"So you were scared?" Connor surmised. "Because I knew?"

"Yes, but don't say it like _that_. That's still not why."

"Then _why_?"

"Because I was selfish," Jude admitted. "Because I wanted _you_ to save me because I knew you could. And, I guess, I was testing to see if you _would_. Hope … hope is dangerous, you know that. Hope is it being months after you moved out and I'm still crying myself to sleep and hoping to get a call from you anyway. Hope hurts. And I didn't want to hope. Hope and disappointment had put me where I was. But, that was the closest you had been for _years_ practically and I … I thought _one more chance_. If neither of us took it, I knew things wouldn't change. And I wanted them to change back. To when things were good."

Jude was crying now too; he was taking long sniffles between his words.

"I never stopped loving you," Jude said.

"I never stopped loving you either," Connor whispered. "Thank you for the letter, Jude. It meant a lot."

Jude squeezed him tightly.

"I didn't want you to feel unloved or unappreciated," Jude whispered. "I never want you to feel anything close to what I felt."

"I don't, Jude," Connor promised. "It's nice to hear, but I know."

Jude was petting the hair on the back of Connor's hair. He played with it for a long while and then he sat back enough to see Connor's face. He cupped one hand around Connor's jaw. "I started calling you sweetheart when we were seventeen."

Connor nodded. "Yeah."

"Because of the poetry unit. And … Mr. Mr. Oh. What was his name?"

"Gould," Connor supplied.

"Right. Gould. He had this book of Valentine's Day poems. And, there was this one … It had sweetheart in the last line. That's why."

Connor nodded again. "Do you remember it?"

Jude paused and then he admitted, "Yeah. I memorized it for that Valentine's Day and I never really forgot it."

Connor dropped his head away from Jude's hand. Instead, he rested it on Jude's shoulder. "Prove it."

Jude secured his arms around Connor. He rested his lips closer to Connor's ear and whispered, _"So often when I am embracing you, it seems that you exist in this world only because of me and I exist because of you. It's not easy to wander in this world and not lose one's way, but the greatest happiness of all is in giving joy to one's beloved. And if the king can have his throne, and if the bird can have his Spring nest, and God can have his heaven, then I, my sweetheart, I can have you."_

Connor smiled. "It's as perfect as I remembered."

" _My sweetheart,_ " Jude repeated, " _I can have you_."

Connor kissed the side of Jude's neck. "I want to ask you something about the letter."

"Which one?" Jude's voice wavered.

"The second one. Um, you said … our fiftieth anniversary."

Jude nodded. "We'll be old. But I want to be able to celebrate it with you."

"You sure, though, that we'll make it?"

Jude nodded. "I keep telling you, Connor. I'm sure. About us and our future. We've got little things to work out, still, but our whole future is going to be big and grand and wonderful."

"I'm happy to hear you say that," Connor said, feeling his throat beginning to clog up.

"It makes me happy to say it." Jude kissed him. "But can I ask you something?"

Connor nodded.

"What did you do this year for our anniversary?"

"Oh. Um. I went to work. Then I did that cliché thing where I bought a bottle of whiskey on the way home. And I had that for dinner and cried myself to sleep." It sounded so pathetic. It had felt even more pathetic. "What about you?"

"I sent Mikey off to day camp and I watched our wedding video on repeat until he came home. Then I made him dinner. And put him to bed. And cried myself to sleep." Jude looked down, and then he leant forward again to kiss Connor's cheek. "Let's go to bed, okay?"

"Okay."

They crawled underneath of the covers and Connor turned out his light. In the darkness, they faced one another.

"I love you, Jude."

"I love you too, Connor."

Jude slid even closer to Connor. Connor pulled the comforter up around them and snuggled in. Jude fell asleep first and, though Connor was tired, he just wasn't quite there yet. In the darkness, he stared up at the ceiling. He thought about Christmas, which was much closer than he liked to think it was. Mikey was nearly delirious with excitement. He was nearly sure that there would be a puppy under the tree. Connor hoped that he wouldn't be too disappointed with what he found instead: a card with an adorable photo of his new puppy. Melissa had said that they could go and visit him on the twenty-eight.

In his arms, Jude shifted onto his stomach, but he didn't stray too far from Connor. He snorted and then his breathing evened out again. Connor couldn't help but smile. Jude was sweet and he was trying so hard. It was heartbreaking, in the most loving, fulfilling way possible. Connor had always loved Jude; Connor had always been happy with his family, and he never would consider having anyone else be a part of it. But since moving back in, he had fallen in love with his husband and his son and their life together. The little things, that Connor had never taken the time to notice before, was all that stood out to him now.

Connor reached out and touched Jude's hand. As soon as he did, Jude flipped around so that it was his left hand Connor had access to. He let Jude settle into sleep again, and then Connor picked up his hand. He couldn't help but think that there was no ring and there had never been any mention of Jude's ring at all. Connor closed his eyes. In the new year, they would talk about it. Now, was there holiday truce for Mikey. Even with the truce, they were moving forward.

And Connor was content.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Somewhere In My Car**_ **by Keith Urban;** _ **Counting Stars**_ **by Augustana; and** _ **Make Us Stronger**_ **by Emily Hearn.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	24. No One's Really Got It Figured Out

"Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!"

" _Eve_."

Mikey looked up at Connor. "Same thing!"

"Sure it is," Connor said.

Mikey grinned at him and danced in a circle around the kitchen again, resuming his excited chant. Connor shook his head and went back to mixing up the sauce for the pasta salad that he and Jude always took to Stef's and Lena's potluck Christmas Day dinners. The front door opened and Mikey took off.

"Father!"

"He's only been gone for twenty minutes," Connor called after him, but Mikey wasn't listening.

"T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!" Mikey boomed.

"It _is_ the night before Christmas," Jude agreed.

"And then there was something about a mouse!" Mikey said.

"Yep. We'll read that story tonight before bed," Jude promised.

"And sugar plums! I remember sugar plums in the story!"

"There _were_ sugar plums in the story," Jude confirmed.

He entered the kitchen, Mikey trailing behind him, and he rested his grocery bag on the counter next to Connor.

"I can't believe we were out of peas," Jude grumbled.

"Start a pot boiling, we need them soon."

"I know, I know."

"Are sugar plums real?" Mikey asked. "And can I sit on the counter?"

Jude picked him up and sat him on the counter, away from the stove.

"Sugar plums are real," Connor said. He dipped a spoon into his sauce and put it to Jude's mouth. "How does that taste?"

"Eh. Are you missing something? Usually it's got a little bit of spice to it."

Connor turned back to the recipe book and Jude sat the pot on the stove, turning the burner all the way up. Mikey kicked the cupboards loudly.

"Careful, careful," Connor warned.

"Sorry, Dad," Mikey said, and he kicked a little softer. "What _are_ sugar plums anyway?"

"They're plums covered in sugar," Connor said.

"Aren't they candy?" Jude corrected.

"No, I don't _think_ so," Connor said, stirring the sauce again. He realized that he'd forgotten about half the spices. Where had his head been? "Anyway, why would it make sense to call anything else sugar plums?"

"I just think they're _candy_ ," Jude repeated.

"Look it up!" Mikey recommended. "Can I have a cookie?"

"Just one, we're getting close to dinner," Jude said.

Mikey opened the cookie container next to him and picked up one of Connor's Christmas cookies. He chewed on it messily. Connor glanced over at Jude, who was staring at his phone. He put some more sauce on the end of his spoon and raised it to Jude's lips. Jude tasted it.

"That tastes perfect," Jude said. "And, I was right! It is candy!"

"What? Really?"

"Yep. It's a hard, sugar candy," Jude said, turning his phone around to face Connor.

"Hmm."

"Well," Mikey said, "What would be the point of putting sugar on _fruit_? It would ruin the sugar!"

"Fruit already has sugar in it," Connor told him. "That's why it's so sweet."

" _Oh_." Mikey said.

" _Mikey_ ," Jude said.

Connor turned to look at his son. He was just sitting innocently on the counter between the coffee maker and the cookie box. His half-eaten cookie was clutched in his hand. Mike knocked his feet against the counter as Jude leant against the counter next to him.

"What did I say?"

"One cookie," Mikey whispered.

"How many have you had?"

"Two cookies."

"And the one in your hand?"

"…Two and a half cookies," Mikey corrected himself. He put the cookie he'd been working on in Jude's hand. "But they're good! And it's Christmas!"

Jude shook his head and laughed. "But don't you want to be able to eat dinner too?"

"Well, _yeah_ ," Mikey admitted.

"Maybe sometime before bed, you can have another one."

"But what about that one?" Mikey pointed at the one in Jude's hand.

"Dad and I will finish it. Is that okay?"

Mikey nodded. "That seems fair. That way we all get some cookies!"

Jude smiled and he snapped what was left of Mikey's cookie in half. He lifted the second half up to Connor's mouth and Connor took the bite.

"I still think I put too much sugar in those," he lamented.

"Shut up, they're perfect," Jude instructed.

"Thanks," Connor said.

Jude fed Connor the last of his bite, and then ate his bit. He turned back to Mikey and said, "Well, do you want to help me with dinner?"

"Yes!"

Mikey hurled himself off the counter before Connor could warn him to be careful. He landed okay, and didn't even hit himself off anything. He bounced over to Jude, asking, "What do we need to do?"

"Well, we need to peel some veggies. Ready?"

"Ready!"

Jude set Mikey up with the carrots while he took care of the potatoes. Halfway through, Connor had to lift the peas off the stove. He poured the water out, and then added them to the salad for tomorrow. He took a wooden spoon and mixed the large bowl; throughout the years, they had learnt that the recipe needed to be tripled from its original measurements in order to feed the ever-growing Adams-Foster clan. Once he was satisfied the salad was all right, he put it in the fridge.

"What can I do for dinner?"

"Maybe you can start cutting up Mikey's peeled carrots?" Jude suggested. "We need to get things boiling if we want it to be done at the same time as the ham."

"Sure," Connor agreed.

In no time at all, it seemed, Jude was adding onion to the mashed potatoes and Connor was lifting the brown sugar carrots off the stove. Mikey skipped away from the oven as Connor opened it and slid a meat thermometer into the ham.

"It looks good!" Connor announced.

"Yes! I'm so _hungry_!"

Jude laughed. "Well, we still need to cut it up. Will you go put forks and knives on the table, please?"

"Yep!" Mikey opened the drawer and counted the silverware aloud.

Connor carved the ham and Jude dished the vegetables onto their plates. Mikey went back and forth from the kitchen and the dining room twice more; once with butter and once with the salt and pepper shakers. He came back and took his plate from Jude's hands, and Connor and Jude followed him this time. They took their usual spots around the little table, although, tonight, it had been done up special for Christmas. There were thick cloth Christmas tree placemats for each place. In the centre of the table there was a gold candlestick holder with three tall red candles in them. The candles were unlit, and Connor returned to the kitchen to grab the barbeque lighter out of the junk drawer.

"Can I light one?" Mikey asked.

Connor hesitated.

"You need to be _really_ careful," Jude emphasized. "You know how dangerous fire can be."

Mikey nodded. He left his seat and went to stand by Connor. Connor carefully instructed him on how to use the barbeque lighter. Slowly, his hands slightly shaky, Mikey put the flaming end of the black metal to the candle wick. In a moment, the flame caught. He dropped the barbeque lighter on the table.

"I did it!"

"Whoa," Connor said. "This is what we meant by being careful. You can't just drop that."

Looking a little panicked, Mikey snatched the barbeque lighter up into his hands.

"I didn't do anything, did I?"

"No," Connor assured him. "But it might not always go so well. That's why you need to be careful with things like that."

"I'm sorry," Mikey apologized. "I'll do better next time!"

"I'm sure you will," Connor said. "Why don't you light the last one, Jude?"

"Sure." Jude took the lighter and lit the last candle, and then they settled in to eat.

"Can we watch a movie when we're done?" Mikey asked.

"Of course. What we you thinking?"

"Grinch!" Mikey said. "I _like_ the Grinch! He has a dog named Max! But I wouldn't name _my_ dog Max."

"What would you name a dog?" Jude asked.

"I don't know," Mikey said. "But not Max."

"What about Daisy?" Connor asked.

"Daisy is for yellow dogs."

"Sam?" Jude suggested.

"Sam is for cats."

"You have some strict rules for naming," Connor pointed out.

"It has to be _perfect_ ," Mikey stressed. "How did you pick _my_ name? Or did my birth parents pick my name?"

"We picked it," Jude said. "We liked a lot of names."

"But we didn't like a lot of the same names," Connor added. "That list was _very_ short."

"Michael was our favourite. So, we went with Michael."

"What about my middle name?" Mikey asked. Connor heard a thump as he kicked his chair leg.

"We thought, a lot, about giving you one of our names as a middle name," Jude confessed, "but then we couldn't decide which to give you."

"Do you remember Grandpa Adam?" Connor asked.

Mikey made an uneasy face. "Kind of. He always had donuts when we visited."

Connor shouldn't have been surprised. Adam had passed away from a heart attack shortly after Mikey turned five. The more time that passed, the less that Mikey would recall about him. It was a sad thought, especially since Adam hadn't been a huge presence in Mikey's life. He'd visit them about once a month and would be present for every holiday, but he wasn't approachable and lovable like Stef and Lena had always been. Adam had tried to get Mikey into baseball, but the little boy hadn't taken to it. However, Connor recalled, Adam had also been the person who had bought Mikey his first soccer ball.

"Well, his grandfather's name was Gideon. And Grandpa Adam loved his grandfather very much, so we gave you Gideon as a middle name after your great-great grandfather," Connor explained.

"Wow. Great-great grandfather sounds old."

Connor laughed. "Well, he was alive a long time ago."

"I don't want my puppy to have a people name. I want him to have a puppy name."

" _If_ you get a puppy," Jude said significantly, "you can name him whatever you want."

"I'll have to think about it," Mikey mused.

"You have lots and lots of time."

Mikey let out an awkward whine. "But … it's Christmas Eve!"

"We know," Connor said. "How's your supper?"

"Really, really, really good!" Mikey put another bite of ham in his mouth.

"Make sure you eat your veggies too."

"I will, Father."

Mikey finished off his carrots first and then he went through his potatoes. As Jude and Connor finished off their meal, Mikey began to bounce.

"What do you think?" Jude asked him. "Do you want to make some hot chocolate for the movie?"

"Yes, please!"

"Do we have mini marshmallows?" Connor asked quickly.

"Yeah, I got some when I went to the grocery store. I know you don't like hot chocolate without them."

"I _like_ it, it's just nowhere near as good!" Connor claimed.

"I agree with Dad!" Mikey declared. "What do you think, Father?"

"I think I got the coloured mini marshmallows because they're best of all."

"Yes!"

"All done, Jude?"

"Yeah," Jude said.

Connor picked up both of their plates to take to the kitchen. Mikey followed him while Jude lingered behind to snuff out the candles and collect their glasses. With everything packed away in the dishwasher, Mikey did a little dance.

"I think," Jude said, as if he had just thought of the idea and it wasn't an established tradition, "we should see if there's any new jammies under the tree so we can be comfortable."

"Okay!"

Mikey grabbed Connor's sleeve and pulled on him. Connor reached back and took Jude's hand. In this chain, Mikey directed them into the living room. He plopped down in front of the tree, where a few presents were scattered. Most of them were from family members, but a select number of them had Christmas Eve written on the tag. They all got new pyjamas on Christmas Eve.

As Jude and Connor sat, Mikey carefully read the labels.

"To Dad, Christmas Eve. To Father, Christmas Eve. To Mikey, Christmas Eve."

He passed out the packages and Jude and Connor encouraged him to open his first. Mikey tore apart with paper with his usual exuberance.

"They have fire trucks on them," he said. Then, he held them up and gasped, "With the fire dogs! What are the spotted dogs called?"

"Dalmatians," Jude supplied.

"They have Dalmatians!"

"Do you like them?" Connor asked.

"Yes!" He hugged them close to his body. "What are yours like?"

Jude opened his. Connor had picked them out not too long ago. Usually he just picked out something plain, but this year, when he had been poking around in a store for things for Jude, he had found a pair that had made him laugh. He still smiled when Jude pulled out the bright blue pyjama pants that were printed with bright rubber ducks. Jude smirked at them.

"They're cute," he said.

"I like them!" Mikey announced. He looked at Connor. "Your turn!"

Connor carefully unwrapped his new pyjamas. Jude had gotten him what he usually did: a pair of plaid pyjama pants. Connor ran his hands across the soft material.

"Thank you," he said to Jude.

"Let's go put them on!" Mikey said.

He took off up the stairs, leaving Jude and Connor to trail in his eager wake. Mikey shut his bedroom door loudly in his excitement. Jude and Connor slipped inside their own room and changed quickly, exchanging a few quiet words.

"Do you really like them?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I feel a little guilty that yours are so plain."

"No, I like them. You know I like these."

Jude smiled at him and Connor opened the door. Mikey flailed through the doorway and fell into Connor.

"I was just coming to get you!" he announced.

"And we were just coming to get you!" Connor replied. "Hot chocolate time?"

"With marshmallows!"

It didn't take long for them to have the hot chocolate ready. Jude picked up his own mug along with Mikey's. Connor made a stop into the living room and grabbed one more wrapped package from under the tree. Jude was curled on his usual side of the couch, searching for _The Grinch_. Mikey was flopped in the middle of the couch, his hot chocolate mug in his hands.

"I think you should open this tonight," Connor said, placing the present in Jude's lap.

"Me?" Jude squished the present. "What is it?"

"Open it." Connor took a step back, so he could watch Jude.

"Okay."

Jude flipped it over and followed the line of tape down the back. He pulled the wrapping paper apart to reveal the fuzzy, silky black blanket underneath.

"Oh, Connor," he breathed, running his hands over it. "It's so nice."

"I was hoping you would like it. I thought you and Mikey might want something cozy for Christmas Eve."

Jude carefully took the blanket out of its package. Jude pulled it around his shoulders like a cape and then wrapped one arm around Mikey.

"Oh! Really soft!" Mikey was distracted for a moment, as he petted the blanket. "I like it."

"Well, it's mine! No stealing!" Jude tickled Mikey's sides.

"Okay, okay!" Mikey agreed, breathless and laughing. "No stealing! I promise, Father, I promise!"

"We can cuddle, though, right?" Jude asked him.

"Right!" Mikey pulled Jude's arm around him and made himself comfortable. "Dad, sit! It's time to watch the movie!"

Connor sat down on the other side of Mikey and Jude pressed play on the remote. They drank their hot chocolate and watched the Grinch storm his way across the screen. Mikey gave an extra bounce every time he saw the Grinch's dog on the screen. When the movie was over, Mikey asked if, when his hair got long enough, that they could put it up in braids and teacups, like Cindy Lou Who's hair.

"Well, when your hair gets long enough, we'll see what we can do," Jude promised.

"For sure we can braid it," Connor said. "I don't know if either of us have the skills to put a teacup in it, though."

"I think you can do it!"

Jude ran his hands through Mikey's shaggy hair. "Maybe we can practice putting other things in it, first. Things that won't break."

"Yeah! I like that too!" Mikey said excitedly, but then he yawned.

"I think it's time to put milk and cookies out for Santa and then head on up to bed."

"I don't want to," Mikey said. "I'm not tired."

But he was yawning again.

"We'll read some books when we go up to bed," Connor promised.

"Twas the night before Christmas," Jude reminded him.

"Well, okay," Mikey agreed. "Let's go put out the cookies."

Connor grabbed their empty mugs as Jude and Mikey swept up the stairs; Jude's blanket was billowing behind him. Connor caught up to them in the kitchen.

"Where's the Santa plate?" Mikey asked.

Connor knew. He fetched it from the cupboard over the stove, along with the Santa mug. He rinsed them off in the stove, as they had gotten dusty from a year of disuse. Then, he put them on the counter so that Mikey could carefully count out six cookies and place them around the edge of the plate that said 'SANTA'S COOKIES!' and was decorated with cartoonish pictures of Santa and his reindeer. The mug matched the plate and was labelled 'SANTA'S MILK' and had nearly the same cartoons on it. Jude helped Mikey lift the heavy milk carton and poured Santa a full glass of milk.

Mikey proudly carried the plate to the living room and Connor followed with the full mug.

"When do you think Santa will be here?" Mikey asked.

"Not until you're asleep," Connor answered. "He knows when not to come in the house."

Mikey made a disappointed face. "I want to see him."

"You saw him at the mall," Jude reminded him.

"I want to see him do magic," Mikey explained.

"Well, some things are secret," Jude said. "And magic is one of them!"

Mikey didn't look totally satisfied. "Oh, okay. Well, let's go read!"

Mikey's energy was beginning to fade but he still beat Jude and Connor to the top of the stairs. He disappeared into his room and fished out the illustrated book that detailed the poem they had been talking about throughout the night. He was curled up on his bed and Jude and Connor took their places on either side of him.

"Do you want to read?" Connor asked, as Mikey cracked the book open.

"No. I want you and Father to, please."

"Okay."

Jude and Connor took turns and alternated pages as they read the poem aloud.

 _"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house_

" _Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;_

" _The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,_

" _In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;_

" _The children were nestled all snug in their beds;_

" _While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;_

" _And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,_

" _Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,_

" _When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,_

" _I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter._

" _Away to the window I flew like a flash,_

" _Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash._

" _The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,_

" _Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,_

" _When what to my wondering eyes did appear,_

" _But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,_

" _With a little old driver so lively and quick,_

" _I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick._

" _More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,_

" _And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:_

"' _Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!_

" _On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!_

" _To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!_

" _Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!'_

" _As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,_

" _When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;_

" _So up to the housetop the coursers they flew_

" _With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too—_

" _And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof_

" _The prancing and pawing of each little hoof._

" _As I drew in my head, and was turning around,_

" _Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound._

" _He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,_

" _And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;_

" _A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,_

" _And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack._

" _His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!_

" _His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!_

" _His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,_

" _And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;_

" _The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,_

" _And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;_

" _He had a broad face and a little round belly_

" _That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly._

" _He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,_

" _And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;_

" _A wink of his eye and a twist of his head_

" _Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;_

" _He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,_

" _And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,_

" _And laying his finger aside of his nose,_

" _And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;_

" _He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,_

" _And away they all flew like the down of a thistle._

" _But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—_

"' _Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!'"_

Mikey was still awake when they finished reading, but he was beginning to nod off. Jude and Connor kissed him goodnight. They made sure that he was tucked in, and then they shut the door to his room, retiring to their own. Jude flopped down on the bed.

"How long until he goes to sleep?" Jude asked, his words muffled by the blanket.

"A little bit yet."

Connor walked over to the bed, and then he straddled Jude's lower legs. He began to massage Jude's shoulders, and Jude sighed.

"You're going to put me to sleep," Jude murmured.

"You deserve a good sleep," Connor said.

"So do you. And I don't want to make you put the presents out on your own."

"I'll wake you up when it's time for that."

"I don't _want_ to go to sleep. I want to spend time with you."

"You've been with me all day."

"Yeah," Jude agreed quickly, but his following words came more slowly. "But … not like you're my husband. Just like you're my co-parent; my sort of friend."

"We _are_ friends, I _am_ your co-parent, and I _am_ your husband."

"Yeah, but … lately I've been missing the fact that you can be all three at the same time," Jude admitted.

Connor's hands slowed. "W-what do you mean?"

"I've been missing when … when we weren't anything but married."

Jude fidgeted underneath of Connor and Connor rose up onto his knees so that Jude could roll over onto his back. Connor sat down onto Jude's thighs again. Jude propped himself up on his elbows and for a moment, they just stared at one another.

"What are you saying, Jude?"

Jude drew in a deep breath. "Can we see if Mikey's asleep? So we can put the presents out and then talk?"

Connor didn't budge. "We're going to come back to this, right? You're not using this to drop the subject?"

Jude shook his head. "I just want to do everything that we _need_ to do so that I'm not thinking about anything else."

Connor nodded, as it was fair. He left the room; Mikey was fast asleep. It was earlier than they would usually put out presents, but he beckoned Jude out into the hallway. They carried the suitcases from the office and down the stairs, unpacking them in front of the tree. They made sure to organize everything efficiently, and then Jude unplugged the tree while Connor checked that the doors were locked. They put the suitcases back in the office closet, so Mikey would never suspect that something had happened.

Jude stopped him in the office. "I got something for you … something that I can't give you in front of Mikey."

"So you _weren't_ joking about the edible underwear?"

Jude cracked a smile. "Well … I don't want to get your hopes up. But, if you want it now, then I'd give it to you, now."

Connor was unsure. "What is it?"

"That's cheating," Jude teased. But, then, he was serious again. "It's … something to do with what we were talking about."

"Would you be disappointed if I said I want it now?"

Jude shook his head. "No."

"Then … please?"

"Close your eyes."

Connor did as he was told. Jude picked up both of his hands and led him from the office into the bedroom. Connor kept his eyes shut, even as he heard Jude close their bedroom door and then rustle about in their bedroom. He was tempted to look, but he didn't. This was too important for him to take any kind of shortcut or cheat. Jude eventually returned to his side, and lead him forward a few more steps. He positioned Connor, so that he was facing in the right direction, and then hid behind him.

"Okay," Jude whispered. "Open."

Connor did, and his heart seemed to spin in circles. There, on the end of their bed, as perfect as it had ever been, was their wedding photo. It was as if Jude had never destroyed it. Their younger selves were still happy there, inside that expensive frame. Connor found himself drawn forward a step, and he touched the smooth glass.

He looked over his shoulder. "What does this mean?"

"I have a reason to put it back in the living room."

Connor's heart picked up speed.

"I don't mean, tell Mikey now or tomorrow, or tell the world in the next sixty seconds. I mean, I'm ready to sit down and talk about how to tell him and how to tell everyone else we know. I'd hide forever, if you'd let me. But I'm telling you to not let me."

Jude stepped forward, and his arms encircled Connor's waist. Connor leant backward into Jude's hold, unable to take his eyes off the photo.

"You mean that?"

"I mean that." Jude kissed his neck. "I love you."

"I love you too," Connor said.

He felt Jude squish him and hug him tighter.

"I want our life back," Connor whispered.

"Me too," Jude replied. "We can't do that to Mikey, not now, but if it reaches his birthday, and I still haven't said anything, this is me telling you to kick me into gear, Connor."

Connor laughed weakly. "I can do that."

He felt Jude's hands on his hips, turning him. Connor spun willingly, first finding himself in Jude's embrace before feeling Jude's lips on his. He kissed Jude back with a passion, until he felt his knees beginning to weak. Jude separated from him so that he could put the photograph under their bed, and then Connor found himself back flat against the mattress, Jude on top of him.

"Thank you," Connor breathed, because he realized that he hadn't said it yet. "I love my Christmas present."

"I knew," Jude murmured, "That it was what you wanted."

"You're not just saying it because you think that's what I want, are you?" Connor interrupted, suddenly anxious.

"No, no," Jude assured him. "I want this. I want you. I just thought it would be a good way to show you that I'm not lying and that I'm not holding back because I want …" he trailed off, trying to choose his words carefully. "It's, like, I don't want _you_ without … without reality too? That doesn't make any sense."

His hands were warm on Connor's stomach.

"We're hiding," Jude said. "And we're doing it for a really good reason. But I don't want to continue like this forever. I want us to be us. I want us to be … Not like we were before, but better. I want to kiss you in public and lay with you in bed. I want to fight about bills but nothing more serious than that. Our whole world was so different three years ago."

Connor reached around and moved Jude forward, so he was sitting further up on his thighs.

"I love you," Jude repeated. "I want to just be with you."

"I love you too," Connor whispered. "January. We'll talk and figure it all out then, right?"

"Yeah. I mean, February, to tell Mikey, at the latest."

Connor nodded, and then Jude leant down to kiss him. Connor sat up a little, meeting his lips. He didn't want any space between he and Jude, especially as Jude rolled down the front of Connor's pyjama pants. Connor rolled him back on the bed, falling back over him. They didn't go further than they had in recent months, but Connor could never have uttered a complaint about it. They were both naked as Jude sat up and looked at the clock.

"It's nearly three in the morning," Jude reported.

"So?"

"So, Mikey's going to be up and looking for Santa soon." Even as he said it, Jude was curling back under the sheets with Connor.

"The earliest he's ever gotten up for Santa was five thirty."

"Which is sooner than you're going to want it to be, old man," Jude teased. "Almost forty …"

"I am _thirty-seven_."

"Almost thirty-eight."

Connor shook his head at Jude. "Okay, okay."

Unwillingly, he rolled out of their bed. He looked at the cold, mostly neglected futon with a pout. He looked to Jude, trying to look as pathetic as possible.

"I know," Jude murmured. "I'm sorry."

Connor leant back over the bed for one last kiss, fiddling with the warm blankets. He tucked Jude's new black blanket around him.

"Thank you for this," Jude said, touching the softness of the blanket.

"I knew you'd like it."

"You're just encouraging me to not do anything, ever," Jude said. "I'll just be in bed with my comfy blanket."

"We'll see about that."

Jude kissed the side of his jaw. "Okay, we need to at least get an hour of sleep."

Connor agreed and he exiled himself to the futon. It always remained neatly made and in the same position, in order to give Mikey the illusion that nothing was happening behind his back. Connor felt a pang of guilt as he thought this, but then Jude's words made him smile and hide his face in his pillow. They had a set time to talk about it; they were going to figure it out. They were really going to do it. He thought of their wedding photo and he thought of how he would feel, hanging it back up in the living room.

It was better than any Christmas gift he could have hoped to receive.

(-.-)

 _"DAD!"_

Connor woke abruptly as he felt Mikey's weight suddenly on top of him. Mikey was gone again in a rush, though, screaming _"FATHER!"_ and leaping from the futon onto the bed. Jude groaned as Mikey landed on top of him, and then Mikey was jumping around on the bed.

"It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's time to wake up; it's Christmas!"

Connor sat up, feeling exhausted. Christmas or no Christmas, a mug of coffee was on the forefront of his mind.

"What time is it?" Jude asked.

"Who _cares_?" Mikey said, while Connor squinted at the alarm.

"Six."

"Six?! Six?! It's late! It's late!" Mikey jumped back onto the futon. "Dad!"

"Mikey!"

"Help me get Father up! Come on, come on!"

With a groan, Connor was up on his feet. Mikey grabbed one of Jude's hands and Connor grabbed the other. Together, they hauled Jude up.

"Come on," Connor said. "It's Christmas!"

"Christmas!" Mikey hollered.

"Okay," Jude said. "I'm up."

"You don't _look_ like you're up," Mikey said.

Jude was on his feet in a second, bringing his new blanket with him. They followed Mikey out of their room, and Connor flicked on light switches as they went. Mikey burst into the living room.

"Santa was here!"

"He was?" Jude pretended to look surprised. "He was!"

Mikey raced in a circle around the tree, nearly bumping into Connor as Connor bent down to plug the lights in. Connor and Jude both knew what he was looking for. Jude plucked a red envelope from the branches of the tree and sat down on the couch.

"Come here, Mikey. We want you to open this one first."

Connor and Mikey sat down on the couch together, and Mikey took the present from Jude's hands. He ripped the envelope open, sparing little time for the generic Christmas card. When he opened the card, a picture of the puppy fell into his lap. Mikey looked down at it, open mouthed. He picked it up and said, "A picture of a puppy?"

"I think you should read the card," Jude encouraged.

Mikey read the inscription on the inside. "Hi, Mikey. I'm your new puppy! I'm not allowed to leave my mom until January 19th! But your parents said you could come visit me on the 28th of December! I'm a boy, Irish Setter puppy but I don't have a name yet, so I hope you pick a good one! I can't wait to meet you!"

Mikey began to bounce on the couch, flapping his hands around excitedly.

"What do you think?" Connor asked.

"We're a getting a puppy!" Mikey gasped. "And he's red! He's really red!"

"Yeah, he is! Do you like him?"

"I love him, I love him, I love him! He's my favouritest puppy ever!"

"We're glad you like him." Jude hugged Mikey.

"How many more days until the twenty-eighth?"

"Three," Connor said. "That's not very many!"

"How many days until he comes and lives with us?"

"About twenty-five," Jude said.

"Oh." Mikey slumped. "That's a lot!"

"It won't seem like a lot," Connor assured him. "It'll fly by!"

"We'll see," Mikey said, making a face.

Connor hugged him. "I'm going to go make Father and I some coffee, okay? Can you wait a few more minutes to start opening things?"

"Can I have some hot chocolate?"

"Sure," Connor agreed. "I'll make you some hot chocolate."

"Thank you!"

Connor went into the kitchen and made up their drinks. By the time he had come back, Jude and Mikey had taken their stockings from where they usually leant against the wall and put them on the coffee table. Connor sat the mugs down and Jude immediately picked his up, sighing happily into it.

"You can start on your stocking," Connor encouraged Mikey.

Mikey ripped into it. There were a few little toys tucked inside of his stocking, along with some candy. Jude and Connor had also thrown in a bottle of shampoo for Mikey and a bottle of shampoo for the puppy. A number of Mikey's gifts this year were actually _for_ the puppy, but neither Jude nor Connor thought Mikey would mind. They had finished their coffees and opened their own stockings by the time they allowed Mikey to begin to tear through his gifts. Christmas morning was no exception to his whirlwind behaviour.

Wrapping paper flew in all directions. Connor and Jude didn't really see a point to try and contain Mikey on Christmas morning. He responded to his toys and new soccer ball with gasps, always running over to show Jude and Connor what he had received, even if the gift tag had said it was from the two of them. He opened the dog bed.

"Can the puppy sleep in my room?" Mikey asked. _"Please_?"

"After the puppy is trained, he can sleep in your room," Connor answered. "While we're training the puppy, he'll need to go outside a lot during the night. We don't want to wake you up while we're doing that."

" _Okay_ ," Mikey agreed, though he looked a little disappointed about it.

"Don't worry," Jude said. "He's _your_ puppy. We're just going to help you with him. When you're home, you're going to be the one taking care of him."

"Okay!" Mikey brightened up as he unwrapped a blue collar for the puppy. "Santa got my letter!"

"We told you he would!"

Jude passed Connor a box. "For you."

"Thank you." Connor unwrapped it. "My favourite chocolates!"

"Yum!" Mikey said.

"Here." Connor nudged a package in Jude's direction.

"This is heavy," Jude exclaimed, lifting them onto his lap.

Connor just shrugged.

Jude unwrapped them, and let out a laugh. "My textbooks!"

"And," Connor said, picking up another.

"Another book?" Jude guessed. "And a Spanish-English dictionary! Thank you!"

"What are those books for?" Mikey asked.

"Remember how we told you Father's going back to school?"

Mikey nodded.

"Those books are for his classes."

Mikey made a face. "Those are big books!"

"Look, this two are even in another language."

Mikey hung over Jude's shoulder, looking down as Jude flipped through the Spanish-English dictionary.

"But, why?"

"Because I'm going to be learning this language," Jude explained. "These books are going to help me. This one works just like a regular dictionary, except when I look up the word, it doesn't give the definition, it gives me the word in Spanish."

"Spanish," Mikey repeated softly.

"See, like the word dog is … perro."

"What about boy?" Mikey asked.

Jude flipped through the pages. "Niño."

"Father?"

"Padre."

"That's kind of cool," Mikey admitted. "Padre."

"Is one of us getting a name change?" Connor teased.

Mikey shook his head. "No. I _like_ Dad and Father."

"So do we," Jude said. "Can you do something for me?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Can you get the bag over there with the Christmas tree on it? I think it's for Dad."

"Okay!"

As Connor opened the new shirt and tie from Jude, along with a little booklet on _how_ to tie a tie, Mikey opened the last few gifts from their other family members. He sat quietly as Jude and Connor unwrapped the few odds and ends they had received from friends and family. They made sure to keep track of who gave them what, so they could properly thank everyone at Stef's and Lena's turkey dinner later that day.

"Are you getting hungry?" Jude asked Mikey.

He nodded.

"What do you feel like?"

"French toast!"

"French toast it is, then!"

They passed most of Christmas Day lazily. They ate breakfast at the dining room table and then they migrated downstairs; Brandon and Marley had given Mikey the newest Disney movie for Christmas. They took some of the chocolates they had received for Christmas downstairs with them, and treated themselves, even though it was still technically in the morning hours. After the movie was finished, they switched over to TV. It had been a late night for Mikey, and then an early morning, and he fell asleep on the couch. Jude ran his hand through Mikey's long mop of hair.

"We should go clean upstairs a little bit," Jude said. "Especially the wrapping paper."

Connor agreed. They left Mikey on the couch, curled up in Jude's new blanket. On the main floor of the house, they stopped and looked into the living room. Jude was shaking his head.

"I want to know how he manages to make such a mess so quickly," Jude laughed.

"I'll grab a garbage bag, you start organizing the gifts," Connor suggested.

The two of them cleaned up in companionable silence. The mess was mostly concentrated in one area of the living room, anyhow, and it looked a lot worse than it was. In no time, Jude was putting away the broom.

"I think I need another cup of coffee," he said.

"Agreed!" Connor replied.

In the kitchen, Connor rinsed their mugs from this morning while Jude prepped the coffee maker. While it brewed, Connor leant his head against Jude's shoulder, and Jude wrapped his arm around his waist.

"Merry Christmas," Connor murmured.

"Merry Christmas," Jude repeated.

Jude kissed the top of his head, and Connor immediately looked up, wanting more.

"Kissing in the kitchen with a kid downstairs is what got us in trouble last time," Jude reminded Connor, his voice slightly sing-song.

"This kid's asleep! And didn't you say we were going to tell him soon?"

"Yes, but you know what I mean by that."

"I know. I'm just … excited."

"I'm excited too," Jude said, and then he kissed Connor.

Connor was just beginning to melt into his husband when the coffee maker signalled that it was done brewing. Jude's head perked up and his lips left Connor's.

"Can't you at least pretend you love me more than coffee?"

"What would be the point if you already know the truth?"

"It might make me feel better?" Connor suggested, even as Jude turned away from him and began to pour the coffee.

"Will you get the creamer out of the fridge, sweetheart?"

The nickname made Connor smile because it sounded like it used to. It didn't sound like Jude was reminding himself to say it because he knew that Connor liked to hear it. It sounded as casual and as nice as Jude saying his real name did.

Connor fetched the creamer and poured it into the mugs and Jude grabbed the sugar.

Not knowing where else to go with his coffee, Connor hopped up on the counter and Jude took the space next to him. Connor transferred his coffee cup to his non-dominant hand so that he could hold Jude's. He looked down at Jude's scarred left hand. When they sat down to talk about Mikey, Connor decided, that was when he would bring up Jude's ring. It seemed the appropriate time, as the point of that time was to cover everything they needed to in order to be sure that they weren't jumping the gun. Connor didn't think that they were, though. Connor thought that had moved at a good pace; even, sometimes, too slowly. But it was better to be slow than fast; better to do it right than get it wrong.

Jude ran his thumb along Connor's hand and Connor kicked his feet against the cupboard.

"We should have gone out to the porch," Jude said. "It's a nice day."

"We still could," Connor offered. "I know you want to show off your duckie jammies."

Jude laughed. "No. We're almost done and I want to shower soon."

"I'll go after you, then," Connor decided.

"Kay." Jude reached out with his foot and hooked it around Connor's, holding his foot still.

"Am I bothering you?" Connor asked.

"No, no," Jude said.

Connor swung their joined feet. Jude let out a little sigh. He put his empty mug down and wrapped his arms around Connor's waist, leaning his head against his shoulder.

"Maybe you need to nap."

"Oh, I think we definitely both need to nap," Connor agreed. "After we both shower, we should just go back to the couch and watch TV until we have to get Mikey read to go to your Moms."

"That's not napping."

"No, but it'll be relaxing. We'd be delusional to think that Mikey would step asleep much longer anyway," Connor said.

Jude nodded. "I'm going to go shower now."

Jude hopped off the counter. When he was about a leg's length of way, Connor kicked out, catching Jude's butt with the curve of his foot. Jude let out a laugh, reaching back, but he was too slow to catch Connor's foot. He spun around.

"Yes?"

"Nothing," Connor said innocently.

"Are you sure?" Jude asked, sliding back toward him.

"Maybe I just like your butt."

Jude shook his head, flopping against Connor. "There's no point in playing coy, you know."

"I know." Connor ran his hands down Jude's back and, with a little bit of contortion, was able to slip his hands under the waistband of Jude's pants.

"You act like you're attention starved! Which I know isn't true."

"Maybe I need more anyway."

"Well, I'm sorry, but there's not much more I can do for you. I need to go shower."

"Remember when we used to do that together?"

"That was well before we had a kid." Jude picked himself up from Connor's lap and braced his hands on the counter so that he and Connor were nose to nose. "We can't do that when he's in the house because you know he'll come looking for us. Plus, letting a six-year-old loose on the place probably isn't the best idea either."

Connor shrugged. "Eventually he'll have to go back to school … Your classes aren't until later in the day … Or, you know, he'll go to bed."

"I'm not waiting until nine o'clock tonight to shower."

"There's no such thing as being too clean."

Jude laughed. "Well, maybe you should try doing your schmoozing when we get home from Moms."

"Bet on it," Connor said.

Jude laughed, and he pressed his lips to the side of Connor's mouth. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude went off to shower. Barely a few minutes later, Mikey was tumbling up the stairs. He looked around, blinking at Connor.

"How was your nap?"

Mikey yawned. "I'm still tired."

"Well, we're going to have plenty of time to relax today!"

"Where's Father?"

"Shower. Do you want anything?"

"Juice, please."

Connor got a glass down and filed it with orange juice.

"How was your Christmas morning?"

"Good." Mikey chewed his lip nervously. "I …"

"You what?" Connor crouched down as Mikey stood there hesitantly. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I like that you're not in your apartment for Christmas."

"Me too," Connor said. "I like living with you all the time."

"Do you like living with Father all the time too?"

"I like that Father and I are friends again," Connor said. "What do you think?"

"Um." Mikey made a face. "You don't _seem_ like friends."

"What do we seem like?"

Mikey looked down, suddenly shy. "I don't know. Like … like before you moved out. Maybe like you still love each other?"

"Oh, Mikey," Connor murmured.

"I know. Father's sick. You're friends," Mikey said. "Don't worry, Dad. I know."

"You're a smart kid. Can I have a hug?"

Mikey hugged him tightly.

"Do you want to get dressed right now or do you want to hang out in your PJs for a while longer?"

"PJs please!"

Connor handed Mikey his glass of juice. Mikey held it carefully, like he had always been told to do.

"Will you come watch TV with me?"

"I'm going to go shower, but I'll send Father down," Connor promised.

"Will you be down after you shower?"

"Yes," Connor said.

Mikey went back into the basement and Connor went upstairs. Jude was standing in their bedroom, pulling one of his new shirts over his head.

'There's a view I could get used to," Connor murmured, putting his hands on Jude's bare skin. The hem of Jude's t-shirt flowed around his wrists.

"Even when I'm fifty and sagging and hairy?" Jude teased.

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "So long as it's you."

"It'll be me," Jude said. "Are you okay? You sound kind of funny."

"Mikey's making me feel guilty," Connor confessed, and he recounted what Mikey had said. "He trusts us not to lie to him, that's why he believes that we don't still love each other … That we're not doing exactly what we are doing."

"We'll help him through this. It's like you said, right, it's better for him to grow up with us both here than otherwise. I hope he won't feel too betrayed. It's like you told him; he's smart. I know he's six, but I keep hoping that he'll be able to understand that we couldn't have told him because we didn't understand."

"We won't know what it'll be like until it happens," Connor said. "That's the hard part."

"We'll deal with it." Jude squeezed Connor tightly. "Together … Later."

"Not too much later."

"Not _too_ much later."

Connor nodded against Jude's chest. They kissed once, twice, and then Jude sent Connor off to shower with a swat to his butt. Connor showered quickly and dressed in some of his new clothes from Christmas. Downstairs, Jude and Mikey were on the couch, back under the black blanket. Connor curled up with them and they watched Christmas specials. They only had a small lunch; Mikey more than remembered the large feast that they had ahead of them.

At four o'clock, they dressed Mikey in his new clothes, let him get the picture of his new puppy to show off, and they were out the door. Mikey was singing happily in the backseat the entire drive to Stef's and Lena's. They were the first to arrive, and parked by Stef's and Lena's vehicles. In the driveway, he bounced out of the car and into the house. Jude and Connor followed him nearly as quickly.

"Grandmas!" Mikey yelled.

"We're in the kitchen!" Stef called back.

When Jude and Connor walked in the kitchen, Stef and Lena were gushing over the picture of the puppy.

"Do you know what you're going to name him?" Lena asked.

Mikey shook his head. "What do you think are good puppy names?"

"He's your puppy," Stef said. "You should be the one to pick. Besides, I'm no good at boy puppy names."

"I'm sure your Dads have plenty of good ideas," Stef said.

"I want to have his name before I go see him," Mikey said. "I don't think it would be fun to not have a name."

"I think you're right with that," Lena said.

Jude took a seat at the island and Connor put the pasta salad in the fridge.

"You also have to have the _right_ name," Mikey said. "Having the wrong name wouldn't be any fun either."

"I think you're right about that too," Stef said.

"Do you need help with anything, Moms?"

"No, not right now," Lena said. "Maybe when the turkey gets a little closer to done you can pitch in with the veggies."

"Sure," Jude agreed.

"Do you know when Marley and Uncle Brandon are getting here?"

"Um, I think ten or fifteen more minutes," Stef said.

"Oh, okay. Can I turn the TV on?"

"Sure," Lena said.

Mikey skipped out of the kitchen and into the living room. Stef and Lena moved onto asking about the morning.

"Was he excited about the puppy?" Lena asked, though it was more than obvious Mikey was still excited about the puppy.

"So excited," Connor confirmed. "I don't know what he'll do when we actually bring it home."

"Explode," Jude answered simply.

"A puppy is a big commitment," Stef commented. She leant on the island. "So, who is he going to live with when Connor moves back to his apartment?"

"The puppy will just follow Mikey," Jude said.

"The apartment building allows pets," Connor added quietly. He was never going back there; not until he returned to pack his bags completely.

"Well, that's good," Lena said. She caught Connor's eye and smiled, as if trying to see if anything had changed since Jude's birthday party.

Connor smiled back.

Slowly, the Adams-Foster house began to fill. Marley and Brandon arrived and, instantly, Marley was begging her father for a puppy too.

"How about a kitten?" Brandon suggested. "Kittens are less work."

"You can't walk a kitten!" Marley argued.

"Puppies are better!" Mikey agreed.

Mariana and Greg arrived. They had three cats and, while they appropriately gushed over the adorable puppy, they told Mikey that they were glad the puppy was _his_. Mikey quizzed everyone on what they thought that he should name the puppy. Most people threw out a few suggestions, but, when Callie and her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Alex arrived, Alex was more than happy to play the name game with Mikey. They sat on the floor.

"Surfer?"

"No."

"Billboard?"

"Now you're just being dumb."

"You could call him Kitty?"

"A dog named Kitty?"

"Why not?"

"No."

There was a commotion at the door.

"Moms?" Jesus shouted. "Moms?"

Stef and Lena quickly left the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Stef said.

"Kimiko!" Lena cried.

"Isn't she the best Christmas present _ever_?"

Connor smiled, watching Jesus pull his girlfriend close. She looked up to him.

"Getting engaged to you was the best Christmas present ever!"

"You asked!" Lena exclaimed.

Kimiko held out her hand. "He said you helped him pick it. Thank you; it's beautiful."

"Oh, love, we're just glad you like it."

With the house full and brimming, it was time to get dinner underway. Everyone served themselves buffet style. Everyone then crammed into the dining room, sitting elbow to elbow. They were crowded in, but everyone seemed happier that way. When they were sitting, Callie almost ended up next to Connor and she quickly circled around to the other side of Alex. Jude caught her eye, and she sighed, but Jude quickly got her word that she wouldn't bring up anything today; it was Christmas and it needed to special. With everyone seated, the conversations all flowed loudly and freely. Kimiko talked about Japan and her mother; she would be returning there the first week of January to help her mother pack her things, as her mother had agreed to move to the States. Jesus was an excited mess; he did nothing but stare at her. She hadn't told him that she was coming home for Christmas. She had just walked in the front door at six in the morning and woke him up.

"I saw her standing there, grabbed the ring out of my nightstand and dropped to one knee."

Kimiko laughed. "He sleeps naked, just so you get the full picture."

Mariana snorted. "Oh my _God_. You loser."

"It was sweet," Kimiko said. "He looked so happy."

"I am so happy."

"Get a room!" Alex encouraged.

"I am happy for you," Mariana said. "Congratulations."

"Thank you."

Marley announced to Brandon that she and Mikey decided that she should get a puppy so that their puppies could play together. Brandon was rolling his eyes, even as Alex suggested that Mikey and Marley could name their puppies 'Tweedle-Dee' and 'Tweedle-Dumb'.

"No _way_ ," the cousins told him.

"We could get a dog," Alex said to Callie.

"Does that mean you're moving in with me?"

"Why don't you move in with me?"

"You could buy a house together," Marley suggested. "Aunt Callie, your apartment is little."

"People buy houses when they're in love," Mikey agreed. "I think you have to."

Jude laughed into his mashed potatoes.

The conversation continued along. They pulled Christmas crackers and everyone put on their paper crowns. To Brandon's dismay, Marley got a whistle in hers, while Jude and Connor sighed in relief over the alien figurine that fell out of Mikey's cracker. They ate sugar cookies for dessert and then Marley and Mikey skipped off to play.

Stef and Lena began to clear off the table, but the siblings quickly made their moms sit down. There were more than enough people in the house; Stef and Lena needn't lift a finger. It took an impressively short amount of time for Jude, Greg, Callie, Alex, Mariana, and Kimiko to clean up the dining room and kitchen. While Jesus, Stef, Lena, and Connor played with and took care of the kids, the rest of them were able to do the dishes, put the leftovers away, and make everything more spotless than it had been before Stef and Lena had started cooking dinner.

"Thank you so much," Stef said, hugging Alex. "We really appreciate it."

"Whatever we can to help," Callie said, squeezing on the couch next to Lena.

"Honey," Greg said, "She's getting fussy."

"Well, Christmas is a big day!" Mariana said, lifting her daughter away from her husband. "What do you think, Carla? Is it time to home and to go to bed?"

" _Please_ ," Greg whimpered.

"I guess it's time for us to start heading out," Mariana said. "Thank you for Christmas dinner, Moms."

"You're welcome." Lena kissed Mariana and Carla goodbye. "We hope to see you soon."

"Always," Greg said. "We couldn't stay away."

With Mariana out the door, Jesus and Kimiko decided to take their leave. Jude and Connor thought it was time to take Mikey home; they were both tired. Mikey gladly skipped out the door after them, asking if they could play with some of his new toys when they got home. Jude and Connor agreed; he wanted to set up the new racetrack that his aunts and uncles had bought for him.

"Where would you like to set it up?" Connor asked.

"Basement?" Mikey suggested.

"That's a good idea," Jude said. "We have lots of room down there."

They walked in the front door and Mikey went off to collect the large box. He carried it proudly down the steps by himself, even though Jude and Connor watched him carefully. In the basement, they moved the coffee table off to one side so they would have room to sit and build the thing up against the far wall.

Mikey opened the box destructively, throwing the instructions at Jude. Jude and Connor unfolded them together.

"Hey, hey," Connor said, catching Mikey in the middle of his unpacking. "Don't throw those pieces all over the place. They'll be harder to put together. Make sure they stay in their little baggies."

" _Okay_ ," Mikey sighed, but he continued to unpack the baggies from the box.

Jude started reading off the directions. Connor and Mikey scrambled around to collect the parts, connecting them together as Jude instructed. It took them the better part of an hour to assemble the complicated course. It was an impressive set-up though, and Mikey was pleased with the gift. Stef and Lena had known what their children were planning for their grandson and supplied him with dinky cars. It was getting late, but Jude and Connor knew how frustrating it would be for the little boy if they built the set and didn't let him play with it for even a few minutes.

Mikey scrambled up the stairs to get the pack of dinky cars and immediately deposited them in Connor's lap. Connor opened them and he let Mikey pick out what cars they were all going to play with. They chased each other around the extensive track for a while, until it was impossible to ignore Mikey's yawn.

"I think it's bed time," Connor suggested.

Mikey sent his bright yellow car flying down the track. "Okay, Dad."

Jude gathered up the black blanket from the couch and Connor turned the lights off. Mikey took both of their hands and they walked up the stairs together. Mikey brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. Connor tucked him in and then Jude sat next to him, reading a story. Mikey was nearly asleep when Jude finished, so they kissed him goodnight and closed the door.

"Bed time for us too?" Connor guessed.

"I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I feel like being in bed," Jude answered softly. "But I want to go get something from under the tree. Do you need anything while I'm downstairs?"

"No, thanks."

While Jude went downstairs, Connor brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He spread the black blanket over top of their comforter and then he turned the heat down so that wouldn't overheat underneath of it. He had just picked up the TV remote when Jude returned, his Spanish-English dictionary and his Spanish textbook in his hand. Connor waited as Jude got ready for bed and then Jude flopped down on the mattress next to him.

"You don't think textbooks are a boring Christmas present, do you?"

"No! I'm excited about it!" Jude took the shrink wrap off his Spanish textbook and opened it.

Connor snuggled close to him so that he could read over Jude's shoulder. The beginning pages of the textbook were extraordinarily simple. Jude ran his finger underneath a black line of text, reading in a terrible accent.

"Hola, my nombre es Jude."

"I like the sound of Spanish," Connor murmured.

"Let's see you say something," Jude challenged.

"Hmm." Connor pulled both the textbook and the dictionary into his lap. He flipped around through both of them until he found out exactly what he wanted. "Me gustan tus nalgas."

Jude grabbed the dictionary back, taking a moment to look up the words.

"You suck!"

"Gladly!" Connor shot back.

Jude snorted. He pushed Connor back against the pillows and then, he straddled Connor's lap. He put the dictionary down on Connor's chest and flipped through the dictionary's pages.

"Corazoncito. **"**

"That sounds like it's something sweet," Connor guessed.

"Sweetheart, actually," Jude replied.

"Can I see?"

Jude handed the dictionary over. Connor propped the book up against Jude, searching for the word that he wanted. **"** Esposo."

"Spouse?" Jude guessed.

"Or husband," Connor murmured.

"Same thing." Jude snorted.

Connor ignored him and flipped through the dictionary, looking for something else to say.

Jude picked up the textbook, leaning back on Connor's legs. "Oh, perfect."

"What?" Connor sat up a little, but Jude tilted the book away so that Connor couldn't see what he was reading.

"El burro sabe mas que tu," Jude told him.

"Wait. Burro? Isn't that donkey? Did you just call me a donkey?"

"No," Jude said slyly. "Tienes la cara como una nevera por detrás."

"I don't even know what that means."

Jude turned the textbook around. "They're common Spanish insults!"

Connor skimmed the page. "Okay, _one_ , I am smarter than a donkey. Two, _your_ face … looks like the back of a fridge? I'm hoping I'm missing out on some significant cultural influence here."

"Probably," Jude said with a laugh.

"Oh, and," Connor added, "Eres tan feo que hiciste llorar a una cebolla."

Jude looked down at the book. "And you thought I was mean for saying that you looked like a fridge!"

"You _are_ mean!"

"You love me," Jude pointed out arrogantly.

"Te amo," Connor said.

"Te amo," Jude echoed.

"Now, call me cute," Connor instructed.

"How about arrogant?"

Connor reached up and grabbed onto Jude's waist, holding onto Jude as Connor pushed him down onto the mattress. Jude's dictionary and textbook fell to the floor with a loud thud. Jude and Connor froze, holding their breaths. They didn't hear anything coming from Mikey's room, so Connor kissed Jude. Jude kissed him slowly.

Connor propped himself up on his hands. "Do you not want to?"

"I want … a little bit," Jude confessed.

"You've got to start telling me that. I'm not going to be disappointed if you say you only want a kiss goodnight."

"I want more than _one_ kiss," Jude said. "But I don't want more than a kiss."

"Okay. See, that simple."

Jude smiled, though he was shaking his head. "You know me too well."

"No such thing." Connor kissed him gently. "I like knowing you."

"I like knowing you."

"Do you feel like you know me? You said once or twice that sometimes you still feel like you don't."

Jude paused. "Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I know you. I think you're still protecting me a little bit but that's just you. You're protective. And I know it's not like you're hiding something big from me, so …" Jude shrugged. "I trust you. We all need to keep some things to ourselves, right?"

"Right," Connor confirmed. He picked up Jude's hands and kissed the palms of each. "Everything okay?"

Jude nodded. "Everything feels okay."

They sat up together and curled into bed. Connor put on a comedy movie to watch. Connor rested his back against Jude's chest, pulling Jude's arms close around his waist. They chuckled their way through the first few minutes; although they were both fast asleep before the movie ended.

 **Thank you to Roberto for the translations.**

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** _ **Overwhelmed**_ **by Tim McMorris (reader recommended); and** _ **Speak**_ **by Ben Abraham (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	25. What It All Comes Down To

"Mikey!" Connor called.

Mikey flew up from the basement and into the kitchen. "Yeah, Dad?"

"You have a phone call."

Mikey took the phone from Connor's hand. "Hello? Hi, Chris! Uh … okay … Uh … Let me ask Dad!" He looked up at his dad.

"Yeah?"

"Chris and JP are having a New Year's Eve party and I'm invited."

"At their house?"

Mikey said into the phone, "At your house?"

They continued back and forth in this manner until Connor had collected times and who else would be attending and what else they were doing. It was a simple party: Chris, Mikey, JP and two other boys from their class that they also played after-school soccer with named Kevin and Martin, were going to be attended. Andrew had been recruited to pick up and drop off Martin, who lived a few streets down from Mikey, so Mikey would be picked up and dropped off along with him.

"Where's Father?" Mikey asked when he hung up.

"Let's check the living room," Connor said.

They stuck their head into the room and saw Jude curled up on the couch. He was reading through his new Spanish textbook. He'd been studying it quite closely, trying to get ahead of the curve for when classes started up in January.

"I'm going to a New Year's party!" Mikey announced, sitting on Jude's feet.

"You party animal," Jude laughed. "Chris and JP?"

"Uh-huh," Mikey confirmed. "When we go see the puppy tomorrow, can we take pictures to show everyone at the party?'

"As many pictures as you want," Jude said. "Have you thought about a name?"

"Nothing _good_ ," Mikey sighed.

"Maybe you need to meet him to be sure," Connor said. "We met you before we named you."

Mikey stared at him. "You did?"

Jude nodded. "We got to meet you before we decided to foster and adopt you," Jude explained.

Mikey had a strange look on his face. "Didn't you say that you didn't know me when I was first born?"

"That's true," Connor confirmed.

"But … but … but …"

"But what?" Jude asked, reaching out to pet his hair.

"Does that mean I didn't have a name?" As horrified as Mikey sounded about this, he sounded more horrified as he asked, "Did I have a _different_ name?"

Jude looked to Connor and Connor nodded.

"Yes," Jude said. "You had a different name."

Mikey sat back on his feet. "I don't like it."

"You don't even know what it is," Connor said. He moved to sit on the arm of the couch behind Mikey.

"I still don't like it," Mikey said.

"We didn't think it fit you either," Jude said. "That's why we named you Mikey."

"What happens if a grown-up doesn't like their name?"

"You can change it," Connor said. "Father and I both changed our last names when we got married."

"I knew that," Mikey boasted. Then, "I think I'll keep Mikey."

"We're glad you like it."

Mikey looked happy over Jude's words for a moment. "Father, can I see your Spanish book?"

"Sure."

Mikey picked up the Spanish dictionary, opening it to a random page. "L … Lección." He flipped around again. "Ojos." Mikey laughed. "I like that one."

"It's fun," Connor agreed.

"Pez," Mikey read. "That's not nearly as fun."

"I'm sure there's something else fun in there," Jude said. He reached over. "Rico."

Mikey shook his head.

Connor leant across him and skipped a head a few pages. "What about risueño?"

"That one's weird," Mikey said. He looked down at the page. "Rojo!"

Jude asked, "What does Rojo mean?"

"Just look … here," Connor pointed down, guiding Mikey's eyes.

"It means red!" Mikey answered. "Hey! My puppy is red!"

"Just like you wanted," Connor confirmed.

Mikey was staring down at the dictionary. "Dad? Father?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think 'Red' is a dumb name for a puppy? I … I mean 'Rojo'?"

"I don't think that's a dumb name at all," Jude said.

"I think it makes perfect sense," Connor assured him.

"Rojo," Mikey repeated. "If you say it fast enough it sounds like a bark! Rojo! Rojo! Rojo!"

Connor laughed. "Yes, it does. I hope the puppy likes it."

"Well, when you see him tomorrow, you can ask him, okay?"

"Okay!"

(-.-)

"Hi, Mikey, my name is Melissa!"

"Hi." Mikey reached out and shook her hand.

"Are you excited to meet your puppy?"

Mikey nodded.

"Now, remember, they're _very_ little. So you're not going to be able to play long and you have to play _very_ gentle."

"Okay!" Mikey said. "I can do that."

"What are the puppies like at this stage?" Jude asked.

"We're starting to house train them and they're starting to eat little bits of solid food," Melissa explained.

She led them through the house and to the puppy pen. They puppies were all up on their unsteady paws, clambering around the pen. Their mother watched carefully as the unknown humans approached. Jude and Connor hung back as Melissa took Mikey closer. She pointed out the puppy with the blue painted claws.

"He's yours."

"I picked out a name for him," Mikey proudly announced to her. He squatted down in front of the puppy. "I want to call you Rojo. Do you like it? I need you to like it."

The puppy sniffed curiously at Mikey's jeans.

"Can I pet him?" Mikey asked.

"Go ahead," Melissa answered.

Carefully, Mikey stroked the top of his puppy's head. The puppy let out a little yip and lifted its head to sniff at Mikey's palm. Mikey laughed.

"He licked me!" Mikey exclaimed.

"Try calling him by his name," Melissa said.

"Rojo, you licked me!" Mikey leant down. "Our hair almost matches!"

Connor smiled as the puppy nearly fell over trying to stick his nose in Mikey's face. Their hair was almost the same shade. Mikey ran his hand over Rojo's short body. The other puppies were starting to get curious about Mikey, but he barely paid them any mind. Rojo was _his_ puppy and he was completely focused. Mikey was busy telling Rojo about the blue collar and the dog bed that he had waiting at home, and how Mikey was going to get him dog toys.

"Because I don't want you chewing on _my_ toys," Mikey said. "But we're going to teach you to be a nice puppy and not chew."

"He's very sweet," Melissa commented to Jude and Connor. "You have a good son, there."

"Thank you," Jude said. "We've done our best."

Connor brushed Jude's fingers with his own, happy to watch Mikey play. They hated to disturb him to take him home, even though they knew it was for the best.

"Can I come back and play with him?" Mikey asked Melissa. "Please?"

"Oh, Mikey, we don't want to disturb her," Connor said.

"I don't mind. I'm home most days. How about you call me on January third and we can figure out a good time for you to come back? Your parents have my number!"

"Okay! Thank you!" Mikey said excitedly.

Jude and Connor shook Melissa's hand on the way out. When they were back outside, Mikey danced around.

"She said I could come back! And did you see him, Dad? He was _so_ red. And, Father, he licked me! Like a kiss! It's a puppy kiss, right?"

"Right!" Jude said.

Mikey clambered into the car. Connor watched him buckle himself in and then he shut the door behind him. He got into the passenger seat, and Jude was already behind the wheel.

"So, you like him?"

"I _love_ him," Mikey corrected Jude. "And he loves the name Rojo, I could tell!"

"I'm sure he loves it lots!" Connor said. "Is there anything else you want to do today?"

"Besides go back and play?" Mikey asked.

"Besides go back and play."

"Can we go home and play soccer?" Mikey asked.

"Whatever you want," Jude said, starting for home.

"Can I call Chris and JP and see if they want to come play soccer?"

"You can try, but a lot of people are still celebrating things with their family, so don't be surprised if they can't." Connor pulled his cell phone out.

"But if they can, tell them that we can pick them up on our way."

"Okay!" Mikey held the cell phone up to his ear. "Hi, Mr. Andrew! It's Mikey! … I wanted to know if Chris and JP are busy today? … Um, okay! … Hi, JP! Are you busy today? … Is Chris busy today? … Do you want to come over? I got a new soccer ball for Christmas! … Uh-huh … Well, right now, we can pick you up. We just went to visit my puppy! … Yeah, my puppy … Yeah … Okay … Hold on. Father?"

"Yes?"

"How far away are we from their house?"

"About half an hour."

Mikey returned to his phone call. "Okay! See you soon!"

Connor turned and collected his phone from Mikey. "Are we picking them up?"

Mikey nodded. "Yep!"

In no time at all, they were pulling into the twins' driveway. Chris and JP were waiting in the living room window with their mother, but came tearing away from it when they saw Jude's car. Chris was first out the door and JP was behind him; JP left the door hanging open behind him, and their mother stood in the open doorway and waved to them. Chris and JP both turned and waved to her, before they crawled into the backseat.

"Thank you for picking us up!" Chris said.

"You're welcome," Jude answered.

"Where's your puppy?" JP demanded of Mikey.

"We were just visiting him," Mikey explained. "He's too little to come home yet."

"When do you get to take him home?" Chris asked.

"January … twentieth, right, Dad? It was the twentieth?"

"Right," Connor said. "So, JP, Chris, have you two eaten? I know Mikey hasn't had lunch yet."

"We had pizza," JP answered.

"I just want a ham sandwich, please," Mikey said as they drove up to their house.

"Sure," Connor answered.

He and Jude herded the boys up to the door, and Jude asked, "Do you want anything, though? Juice or a snack or anything?"

"Some juice, please?" JP said.

They went in the front door, grabbed Mikey's soccer ball, and went straight out to the backyard. Jude and Connor peeked at them from the kitchen window. JP was trying to bounce the ball off his knees and was failing horribly at it. At one point, he hit himself in the face with the ball and his glasses went flying. Connor rushed out the glasses of juice so that he could see if anything had gone wrong. Chris had fetched his twin's glasses from the lawn and put them carefully back on his face for him.

"Are you okay?" Mikey yelled.

"Fine!" JP kicked the soccer ball down to Mikey. "See if you can do it!"

Connor set the juice on the table on the back porch. He called attention to it, but Chris and JP were staring at Mikey, who had bounced the ball up off his knee and then hit it with his head down toward Chris. Chris caught it with his hands, more out of surprise than any physical feat.

"I've been practicing!" Mikey bragged.

Connor went back inside to Jude, who handed him Mikey's sandwich. Connor obediently headed back outside and beckoned Mikey over to the porch to eat. While Mikey sat down on the steps and chowed down on his sandwich, JP and Chris lazily passed the ball back and forth between each other. Connor went back inside; Jude was still in the kitchen. Jude was staring out the window, watching as Mikey finished his sandwich in record time and rejoined his friends, stealing the soccer ball away from Chris and running down the backyard with it.

"He's happy, Connor," Jude said.

"Yeah," Connor agreed.

"And you're happy, Connor?"

Connor nodded. "I'm happy."

Jude chewed on his bottom lip. "I'm happy." His grin widened. "I'm _really_ happy."

Jude turned back to the window to watch Mikey play with Chris and JP. Connor went to stand next him, wrapping his arm around Jude's waist in a way that someone standing on the other side of the window wouldn't notice it, although the kids weren't paying any attention to them anyway. Jude pressed his hip into Connor's.

"I love you," Connor said.

Jude's smile managed to get even bigger. "Te amo."

 **Thank you to Roberto for the translations.**

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** ** _Best I Ever Had_** **by State of Shock;** ** _All That I'm Asking For_** **by Lifehouse; and** ** _We Belong Together_** **by Mariah Carey (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	26. The Other One Is Playing The Piano

Connor opened the oven and peeked at the calamari that was cooking inside.

"How's it looking?" Jude asked.

"It looks like it's almost done." Connor shut the door and straightened up. "He's only six and he has more of a social life than us! A New Year's Eve party?"

Jude laughed. "To be fair, I like being old and boring at home with you."

"You do?" Connor raised an eyebrow at him.

"I do."

Connor grinned. "I'll never get tired of hearing you say those words."

Jude reached out his hands and Connor took them. Jude drew him close and Jude wrapped Connor up in his arms and, as Connor rested his head against Jude's shoulder, Jude began so spin them around in circles. They waltzed awkwardly around the kitchen, laughing and stepping on each other's toes.

"We were better at this at the wedding, weren't we?" Connor asked. "I remember us being better at this."

Jude laughed. "We were definitely better. Although, we practiced leading up to it."

"True. Hey, spins go like this, right?" Connor spun him outward, although Jude had to move to the side to avoid running into the fridge.

"Spins go exactly like that," Jude said, returning to Connor.

It was Connor's turn to be spun outward, although Jude timed it a little better than Connor did, and Connor went to the doorway of the kitchen and then back to Jude. Connor swung quickly back into Jude and hung off of him. Jude bent his head down to kiss him. Connor kissed him back, reaching up and clinging to Jude. Jude trailed one hand from the top of Connor's spine to the bottom.

"We need to practice dancing," Connor said as he stepped on Jude's toes again.

"We don't usually," Jude mused. "I mean, we didn't _like_ practicing for the wedding …"

"I don't know … I liked you, mostly naked, trying to waltz, and not get … _distracted_ ," Connor murmured the words into Jude's neck.

"You _liked_ causing trouble," Jude replied.

"Oh, I still like causing trouble …"

Before Connor could prove it, the timer for the oven beeped.

"Time for calamari!" Jude said, releasing Connor.

"Okay, okay," Connor agreed, stepping away from him.

Connor pulled the tray out of the oven and Jude got out the seafood sauce. He poured it into a small bowl and set it on the edge of the plate.

"Why don't you go turn the TV on and I'll be right in with drinks?" Jude suggested.

Connor said sure and went to the living room. He turned the TV on to one of the news sites that was showing footage of various other countries celebrating New Year's in their time zones. For Jude and Connor, the New Year was still a half an hour away. Connor also plugged in the tree and their other Christmas lights. He settled onto the couch and Jude appeared, two glasses in his hands.

Connor frowned at the liquid. "Is that champagne?"

"I thought we should … celebrate tonight."

"Are you sure you want to drink?" Connor asked.

"It's just a little. And it's just you and me. I know you'll take care of me."

"Always," Connor promised.

As the TV sang in the background, Jude and Connor ate the calamari and sipped at their champagne. When the food was gone, Jude and Connor faced one another on the couch, their glasses in their hand.

"Do you remember that horrible move we made at the wedding?" Connor asked.

"Oh, where we linked arms and tried to drink like that?" Jude laughed. "I almost spilled your wine all over you."

Connor held his glass up. "Let's try it again."

"It's your funeral," Jude sighed.

They scooted closer to one another and then linked their arms together, so that their elbows were secured together but their own drinks were in their own faces.

"Happy New Year's!" Connor said.

Jude glanced at the timer going on the TV screen. "In … a minute and … thirteen seconds."

"Close enough!"

They lifted their glasses at the same time, tilting the bubbling liquid into their mouths. They were able to drain their glasses, although they knocked their glasses together as they went to put them down. Their glasses securely on the table, Jude draped his arms around Connor's neck. Connor met his eyes, and they didn't say anything for a few moments. In the background, the New Year's countdown began.

 _"_ _Ten!"_

 _"_ _Nine!"_

 _"_ _Eight!"_

 _"_ _Seven!"_

 _"_ _Six!"_

 _"_ _Five!"_

 _"_ _Four!"_

 _"_ _Three!"_

 _"_ _Two!"_

 _"_ _One!"_

 _"_ Happy New Year," Jude whispered to Connor.

Then, they were kissing. Connor felt Jude seal himself to him, and then Jude pulled him backward, so that Connor was on top of him. Connor couldn't help but lean on Jude, putting his weight on him. He pushed his hips down, even as Jude pushed his hips up.

" _Connor_ ," Jude breathed, one hand going under Connor's t-shirt.

" _Jude_?"

"I want …" Jude got lost in thought, tugging absently at the button on Connor's jeans. "I want you. I want to go upstairs …"

"Are you sure?" Connor asked.

"I'm sure … If you want to."

Connor kissed him again. "I want to."

Connor pulled Jude upward and upstairs, unable to keep himself off him. Connor couldn't stop from reaching out to touch Jude, even as Jude reached back to touch him. Connor kicked the door shut behind him, and then Jude pushed him down on the bed. Connor pulled his shirt off as Jude climbed on top of him, running his fingers over Connor's abdomen. He let out a sigh and it made Connor confused, because it wasn't a noise of pleasure.

"I know I'm not twenty anymore, but I think I look all right," Connor teased.

"You're annoyingly perfect," Jude said, pressing his hands flat against Connor. "Look at you …"

"As long as you think I'm hot."

" _Everyone_ thinks you're hot."

Connor pulled Jude's shirt off him and kissed his upper chest. "I think _you're_ hot."

Jude made a soft noise of disagreement.

Connor sat up and held Jude's soft body to his chest. "You're perfect."

Jude was shaking his head. Connor gently guided him down to the bed, holding Jude underneath of him. Connor kissed across his chest and then his unscarred side. He kissed Jude's sensitive stomach, and then across his scars. He murmured compliments into Jude's skin, raising goosebumps with his teeth and nails. Jude's entire body was rising up to meet Connor as Connor undid the button and zipper on his jeans, sliding them off and leaving Jude naked. Connor took his time, making sure he ran his hands over Jude's legs and kissed the inside of his thighs.

Connor wanted to make sure that he got this better than right. No matter what, he felt that pressure, and he was sure that Jude did too. Their relationship didn't hinge on sex but they felt that this moment was oh-so important to the both of them. Connor wanted to make sure that Jude was as happy as now as he had seem to be for the past little while.

Connor's inner monologue broke as he felt Jude's hand skimming the back of his head. His internal fears weren't what he should be focusing on now. Now, was about his husband and the way that he felt and tasted and sounded and smelled. Jude's voice was maddeningly loud, because Mikey wasn't here. He had no reason to be quiet and they both revelled in it. No sooner had Jude melted into the mattress and his moan been uttered than he was reaching for Connor.

Connor kissed him fiercely, not releasing Jude's lips even as he kicked his jeans off. Jude kissed him, his hands on Connor's body. Connor pushed himself against Jude. He needed his husband. He needed to feel him and love him. Jude bit at his lips and neck and chest, becoming gentler as his lips wrapped around him, and Connor's breath hitched. He couldn't have uttered a sound if he wanted to. Jude's name slipped out between pants. Connor's eyes closed and his stomach tightened. He fell apart against Jude. They were twined together for a moment, and Connor realized that this was as far as they had gone before.

"We don't _have_ –" he started to say, but Jude didn't let him finish.

Jude was kissing him again and pulling Connor on top of him.

"Where's the –"

"My nightstand drawer, where it's always been."

"I haven't gone digging around in your nightstand!" Connor said, leaning over to open the drawer.

"Surprisingly," Jude said, laughing.

"Surprisingly," Connor echoed.

Jude folded his legs around Connor's hips as Connor leant over him. Connor lost himself inside of Jude's warmth, time and time again. He had missed the way Jude's breathing changed and the feel of Jude's nails on his back. He had even missed the way they would get warm against one another as they carried on into the night; sweat on their backs and arms. Connor even liked the way the salty tang tasted when Connor kissed Jude's neck again.

Jude gripped Connor's hips, as if holding him. Connor pressed a fevered kiss to Jude's lips.

"Want … Want …" Jude panted. "You. On me."

Connor kissed him again and Jude's hold on his hips increased. Connor let Jude's hands slowly guide him up and he settled on top of him with a gasp. Jude leant up on his hands so that he could kiss at Connor's neck as they found a new rhythm together.

He had missed this; every bit of it.

(-.-)

Connor lay sleepily on his side; it was after three in the morning and he and Jude had just gotten done with one another. Jude was curled around him; their bare skin sticking together. Their skin plucked awkwardly as Connor turned onto his back. Jude rolled onto his stomach, on top of Connor's arm. Connor ran his fingers across the small of Jude's back, as Jude propped himself up on his elbow and then leant over and kissed him very softly.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"Um …" Jude closed his eyes.

"Um?" Connor repeated. "That doesn't sound very good."

Jude smiled, but it was small and half-hearted, and Connor began to worry. Was this the moment that Jude revealed that there was nothing emotional in his actions; that he had just missed Connor and the way things were a little too much and now he realized it and it was time for Connor to go back to his apartment so that they could both move on with their lives like they should have months ago?

"Connor …" Jude was playing with his hair. "Connor …"

"What?" he whispered.

Jude ducked his head down so that his forehead was against Connor's shoulder. He murmured something, but it was muffled and lost in Connor's skin. Connor used his free hand to reach over and guide Jude's chin upward so that they were looking at one another.

"What?" Connor repeated.

"Come home."

"I … I am home …"

"No, I mean … Get rid of the apartment and _come home_ and let's tell Mikey because hiding is _stupid_ and _come home_ , I just want to be with you the way we before but better, I miss you. Come home."

"Oh, _Jude_." Connor's heart lurched. He could see Jude's bare finger. "Jude …"

"That sounds like a but," Jude said fearfully.

"Only a little one," Connor said.

"What is it?"

Connor grabbed Jude's left hand. "Where's your ring, Jude? It's been bothering me since … our first date, practically."

Jude went to sit up.

"No, where is it?" Connor said, stopping him.

"In my sock drawer in a plastic bag."

Connor left Jude in bed and walked over the dresser. He opened it up, searching through the white socks and the underwear until he felt the plastic bag. Connor pulled it out, seeing the simple gold band that he and Jude had picked out together so long ago. He took it out of the clear bag; it was cold in his hand. He turned around; Jude was sitting up on the edge of the bed, looking vulnerable. Connor dropped to his knee on the hardwood floor in front of Jude.

"You are my son's father. You are my husband. You are the love of my life. And you are my greatest inspiration. If I became, before I die, half the man you are now, I'd die a great man." Connor kissed the knuckles of Jude's left hand. "I want to wake up every day to our smiles and our struggles. I want to experience the ups and downs of life with you. I have faith in us, because we've experienced our worst and come out stronger than we imagined. I want you and I want our life together, entire. Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens, will you be my husband again?"

Jude nodded, his smile lighting up his entire face.

Connor repositioned Jude's hand in his own and slid Jude's wedding ring back into place. It fit as perfectly as the day that Connor had first put it there; on a hot August day over eleven years ago. Jude wrapped his fingers around Connor's and their rings softly clinked together. Connor rose up off his knee to kiss Jude. Jude pulled Connor back into the warm blankets. Connor flipped onto his back, Jude on his stomach again. Connor couldn't keep from holding Jude's hand and turning the ring in circles.

"If it bothered you so much, why didn't you bring it up before now?" Jude asked.

"If I brought it up too soon, it would be a push and an argument. I didn't want to go too far too fast. I wasn't sure when it was right," Connor admitted. "But it's okay. Now, it's perfect. It's okay now."

"This means we'll need to tell Mikey tomorrow," Jude said. "Before anyone else can notice the ring."

"We can tell him," Connor said. "It won't go perfectly. But …"

"What do we say?" Jude demanded. "Just … Mikey, we know this is hard for you, but we need to tell you the truth. Dad and I aren't getting a divorce."

"To start," Connor said. "He'll have questions. He'll probably call us liars …"

"We need to be honest," Jude said. "He's six but that doesn't mean he's not a person or that he can't understand things."

"Exactly. We tell him the truth. We have to be sure to say that we told him as much as we could the whole way through and that we never wanted to hurt him."

"It's going to be better with us together," Jude murmured.

"So much better," Connor agreed.

Connor melded their hands together.

"Are … Are you feeling okay?" Jude asked.

"I'm almost perfect," Connor replied. "After Mikey knows, I will be perfect."

Jude kissed his bare shoulder.

"Are you feeling okay?'

"I'm worried about telling him. And about telling everyone else. And just … dealing," Jude confessed. "It's stressful. I don't deal well with stress."

"Well, I've got you and you've got me," Connor said. "We'll help each other with it."

Jude nodded.

"You should be a little more confident in yourself," Connor said. "You've been doing so great, Jude. I don't even think you'd know the man I moved in with in September."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"It's good for you. I like all sides of you, but it makes me happiest to see you happy."

"Can I kiss you again?"

"And again and again and again," Connor whispered before he felt Jude's lips on his.

"I'm not tired," Jude murmured. "Are you tired?"

Connor chuckled softly as Jude put a leg on either side of him. "You _know_ I'm not tired."

"Well, yeah, but it'd be kind of rude not to ask."

Connor laughed and sat up, wrapping his arms around Jude's back to keep him steady on top of him.

"I'm really kind of in love with you," Connor confessed in a low voice.

"Good, because I'm definitely kind of in love with you."

Then, Jude tilted his head down and kissed him. Connor kissed him back thoroughly, losing himself completely in his husband.

 **Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** ** _How_** **by Regina Spektor; and** ** _Shadow Of The Day_** **by Linkin Park (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	27. Cause I've Got One Hand In My Pocket

Connor woke first the next morning. He checked the clock; it was nearly eleven in the morning. Thankful that Mikey wasn't expected until after one, Connor turned to face his husband. Jude was lying on his back; his chest and stomach were exposed to the warm room, with the comforter lying tantalizing low across his waist. His left hand was draped over his head, his fingers unfurled toward Connor. Connor propped himself up on one elbow. He didn't want to disturb Jude; he just wanted to stare. Connor loved him. Connor loved him so much.

It was hard to stare at him and think about the first morning that he had spent alone in his apartment, far away from his husband and his son.

(-.-)

 _His alarm started to go off. Connor groaned and went to sit up – Jude hated it when he left the alarm going for too long and, since the clock was on Connor's side, it was his responsibility to turn it off. He waited for the jab in the side of his ribs and he nearly paused to see if Jude would whisper 'snooze this morning', as he did after late nights._

 _But there was no Jude and Connor shouldn't have paused. He and Jude hadn't been sleeping together recently and he shouldn't have thought that Jude would be there now. He opened his eyes, thinking of Mikey, before realizing that his son, this morning, wasn't his concern. He and Mikey didn't live in the same house anymore. He wasn't responsible for helping to make sure that he was fed and dressed and able to leave the house with lunch._

 _He was faced with a small bedroom, the walls all white and adorned. There was an empty dresser in the corner, next to the empty closet. His suitcases sat unpacked all across the bedroom floor. He was alone. He was going to be alone forever now. He was in his own bed; he'd never lay next to Jude in their bed again._

 _He slammed his hand down on the alarm clock and bent forward as far as he could go, trying not to cry. The world as too cold. The room was too cold. His whole life was too cold. No longer would he get to see his son every day and hear about what he'd done at school. He looked down at his left hand and his wedding band was so bright and gold and shining that it_ hurt _. His husband was gone; his husband was well on his way to being an ex-husband. For the first time since he'd met Jude Adams-Foster, Connor sincerely felt completely alone._

 _And he just couldn't take it._

(-.-)

Connor stared at Jude, trying not to lose himself in painful memories that were so far away now, though he was desperately losing the battle. He was more and more tempting to wake Jude up by simply grabbing him into his arms, but it wasn't necessary. His simple staring must have been a disturbance, as Jude began to wake. He opened his eyes slowly, smiling as he saw Connor.

"Good morning, husband," Jude said.

Connor rolled on his stomach and into Jude's side, pushing the past away. It didn't matter in the here and now, where they had the rest of their lives to be together – _really_ be together. He kissed Jude's left hand, gently turning the ring. "If I knew the sex was going to be great enough to make you change your mind about everything …"

Jude laughed lightly. "It was time for everything."

Connor nodded. "Yeah, it was. No regrets, then? Nothing you want to take back before we talk to Mikey."

"No. I don't regret anything. How could I when we ended up here again?"

"That's a good way to look at it," Connor agreed.

Jude kissed his cheek, and Connor pouted.

"No real kiss?"

"Morning breath," Jude said. "I don't feel like dealing with it."

"Oh, that's not _fair_ ," Connor whined. Jude began to sit up. "Where are you going?"

"Well, I was going to brush my teeth and shower … You should probably come with me."

"Oh?"

"Your morning breath sucks and I know you're not exactly … clean."

"And you think a shower will help with that?"

Jude started tugging at his hands, pulling Connor out of bed. "I'm hoping not."

Connor gave in and happily followed his husband into the bathroom. Their shower ended up taking longer than either of them anticipated, and they just had time for a quick coffee and lunch before Mikey skipped merrily into the house to join them in the kitchen. He didn't even say hello to either of them; he just launched into a full explanation of everything that they had done the night before.

"And we all stayed up late enough to watch the countdown on TV, even though Chris _almost_ slept through it but JP wouldn't let him! And then we slept in late this morning and Andrew made us eggs and bacons and hash browns for breakfast!"

"It sounds like a fun night!" Connor said.

"What did you do?" Mikey asked.

"We were just boring," Jude said. "Uhm, Mikey … Can you come sit in the living room with us, please? There's something that we have to tell you."

"Oh no," Mikey squeaked, hugging the doorway of the kitchen. "Oh no."

"We're hoping it's not a bad thing," Connor said, but this only made Mikey's eyes pop.

"You don't _know_ if it's good or bad?" He sat down on the kitchen floor. "Oh no."

"Let's go talk, okay, Mikey?"

Mikey didn't even stand up, he just monkeyed himself into the living room and sat down on the couch. Connor moved the coffee table back so that they could crouch down in front of him. He looked anxiously back and forth.

"Is Dad moving out again?" Mikey asked.

"No." Connor shook his head. "Not … quite."

"Is _Father_ moving out?"

"No, definitely not."

Mikey huffed loudly.

Connor and Jude exchanged glances, but Jude nodded at Connor. Connor took a deep breath.

"Mikey, this might be a little hard to understand at first, so we want you to know that we're going to tell you the whole and total truth and it's okay to ask as many questions as you need to."

Mikey frowned. "You know you already told me that you're getting a divorce, right?"

"We know. That's why this is hard," Jude said.

"Mikey, we're not getting a divorce."

Mikey blinked rapidly, looking back and forth between his parents. "But. But. But. You said … You said you were. You said you didn't love each other."

"We know," Jude said quickly. "And we weren't lying to you when we said that. At the time, we didn't know anything other than what we told you."

"CHRIS SAW YOU KISS!" Mikey shouted, standing up on the couch cushions. "I WAS RIGHT! YOU'RE LIARS!"

He went to jump off the couch but Connor caught him. "No, no, you're not allowed to run away again."

"Let go!"

"We need to talk to you about this. We know it's hard but running away and yelling isn't the answer. We love you very much and we don't want you to be hurt."

Mike slumped down in Connor's hold. He planted himself back on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest and folded his arms around his legs. He stared at Jude.

"We didn't lie," Jude said. "We didn't want to hurt you. Can you understand that? We didn't want to tell you anything until we were sure because it would hurt you if we went back and forth."

"It's like the situation you told me about with Uncle Brandon," Connor reminded him. "Do you remember what I said?"

Mikey nodded and he puffed out his cheeks. "I don't like it."

"What part?" Jude asked.

"The lying," Mikey said. "I don't … what was the truth?"

"Well, Father really is sick and I didn't move back in because we were lying to you. And we haven't been working on our relationship since the very beginning. It took us some time to figure out that we really did still love each other and that we were better together. We're doing this for you too, Mikey."

"We're happy together," Jude said. "But we know that it will be better for you, too, if we live together and are there for you in the same house. We love you very much and we want to raise you with both of us in the same house. You said you liked us being together, didn't you?"

"I … I like you both being here," Mikey agreed. "I like that I get to see you both _all_ the time instead of only seeing Dad some days and only seeing Father some days. I like that we do things together and that we feel like a family."

"Those are all good things," Jude agreed.

"What's on your mind, Mikey?" Connor asked. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know."

"That's okay," Jude assured him.

"What if you change your mind again?" Mikey asked.

"We won't," Connor assured him.

"But … but … how do you _know_?"

"We love each other and we're very determined to make this work. But that's part of the reason why we didn't tell you sooner. We were giving each other time to change our minds and not have to put you through something emotional and confusing again," Jude said. "But we didn't change our minds. We love each other and we love you and we chose this family and having a life together."

Mikey hung his head.

"Is there anything we can do right now?" Connor asked. "Can we help? We know this isn't the easiest thing to process."

Mikey shrugged. "C-can …" he stuttered and then he stopped completely, holding his breath. He slowly released it and he didn't say anything else.

"Talk to us," Jude encouraged. "We understand if you want to yell at us a little bit. You're allowed to feel."

Mikey looked unsure. "But … What if I want to talk someone else?"

"Like who?" Connor asked. "We're not asking you to keep this a secret, if that's what you mean."

"Oh." Mikey bounced on the couch. "Can I go play in my room?"

"Sure," Jude said. "We'll be right down here if you need us."

Mikey slunk up the stairs. Jude and Connor heaved themselves up on the couch and Jude took Connor's hand.

"That could have gone worse," Connor said.

"It could have gone better."

"But it didn't go worse."

Jude sighed and agreed, "It didn't go worse."

Connor lifted Jude's hand and kissed his knuckle. "What do you think we should do now?"

"Let's not bother him. Pushing is bad."

"I've learnt," Connor said.

"I was also thinking … what if we called Moms and have them come over for dinner? That way he doesn't feel stuck with us and he can talk to them if he needs to. You know he trusts them."

"That could be good," Connor said. "Why don't you call?"

Jude pulled out his cell phone, lifting his arm and putting it around Connor's shoulders. Connor sat close as Jude spoke to his parents.

"No, no, nothing's wrong. We were wondering if you were doing anything tonight … No? Good. Would you want to come over for dinner? … There's a bit of an ulterior motive … I'll tell you the story when you get here; I want to tell you in person … No, I already said nothing's wrong … I'm fine … I'm not depressed again and I didn't do anything," Jude promised. "Around four? Okay. Thanks, Moms. I love you too. Bye."

They passed the afternoon quietly. They mostly spent it in the kitchen, making sure that they could just throw veggies on the stove for a few minutes before it was time to eat. They only saw Mikey a few times. He ghosted through, looking for grapes and orange juice to take downstairs with him. He was watching a movie when Stef and Lena pulled in the driveway. Jude and Connor met them on the porch.

"Hey!" Stef said, and Connor could see her gaze moving between he and Jude. "What's going on?"

"Well …" Jude said. He leant against the side of the house, while Stef and Lena lingered near the stairs. "Connor and I decided that we aren't going to get a divorce."

"Really?" Lena grinned widely and hugged Connor before reaching for Jude.

"Really," Connor confirmed.

Stef hugged him too. "I was hoping you would work things out!"

"We weren't sure if we would," Jude said honestly. "But we're happy."

"We're worried about Mikey, though," Connor said, cutting right to the chase.

"Oh? Did he not take it well?" Lena asked.

Jude summed up the incident that had happened with Chris and JP. After he had finished, Connor explained the conversation that they had just had with Mikey.

"We're not sure how to handle this," Connor admitted. "We were hoping that he might open up to you in ways that he might not feel like he can to us."

"We'll talk to him," Stef assured them. "Either way, it will probably take some adjustment time."

Jude nodded. "We know. We just don't want him trying to deal with it on his own. If he can't talk to us then we want to surround him with people we know he can and will talk to."

"You're doing everything right," Lena said. "And you're doing the best that you can."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Where's Mikey?" Stef asked.

"He's still down in the basement, I think." Jude opened the front door and let his mothers in.

They made a beeline down to the basement. Stef had just paused to say that they would come up when they were ready. Jude and Connor lingered in the living room, unsure of what to do with themselves. They found themselves back in the kitchen, although there wasn't much for either of them to do there.

"How are you feeling?" Connor asked. "I know this isn't easy."

"I … trying to keep my mind off how stressed out I feel. I want …" Jude choked on his words, but he didn't have to finish the sentence.

Connor saw Jude's right hand rubbing at his left ribs. He pulled Jude into his arms. "You don't have to hurt yourself."

"I know I don't _have_ to but there's something in my head that's saying that everything will feel better if I do."

Connor rubbed Jude's back. "I know it's hard. But we can talk through it."

"Can I back to therapy now?" Jude asked, but there was a bit of a laugh in his voice.

"Next week you start again," Connor reminded him.

"I know, I know."

"And you've been doing really well."

"Thank you. How are you feeling?"

"I'm just worried about Mikey. Other than that, I am completely on top of the world."

"You even sound happy," Jude murmured.

"I hope you're happy."

Jude straightened up and Connor leant back so that he could see Jude's face. Jude's hands were large and warm on his back. Connor had only a moment to look into Jude's eyes before Jude bent and kissed him. It was warm and brief and it lit Connor up from the inside.

Someone coughed from behind him. Connor spun around as Jude looked up.

"Hi, Mom."

Stef was grinning in the doorway. "Well, I guess you're both adults now."

"Married adults," Jude corrected and Connor smiled.

They had been married for more than eleven years, but in the past few months, Connor had to force himself to get used to the word 'separated'. He never had, fully. The word had never sat correctly in his mouth and he avoided saying it whenever he possibly could. He was sure saying the word divorce would have crushed him completely. Married was right. They were married.

"Mikey's getting hungry," Stef said. "And … he's not upset, really. He feels a little betrayed, I think, though he keeps saying 'they told me what they could'."

"Yeah, we told him that," Connor said.

"I guessed. He just needs a little more time," Stef said.

"Okay, well, supper will be ready in about twenty minutes."

"Okay, thanks, Jude."

Stef disappeared down the steps and Jude turned back to Connor, shaking his head. "We've been dating since we were thirteen, been having sex since we were sixteen, been living together since we were nineteen, been married since we were twenty-six, and I still get embarrassed about the fact that my mother saw us kissing."

Connor laughed. "What would she say if she saw me doing something like …" Connor let his voice trail as he slid his hands in Jude's back pockets and kissed his neck. "What would she say if she knew what I did to you last night? Or what you did to me?"

"Don't even joke about that!" Jude exclaimed. "I'd never be able to face my family again."

Connor squeezed Jude. "All right, I won't joke, even though you know I'm hilarious."

"Get in gear," Jude said. "Our kid is hungry."

"I'm in gear, I'm in gear."

They put the peas and potatoes on the stove and Connor double checked that ham. They made sure that the sticky-sweet sauce that they used on the ham hadn't crystallized. Finally, Connor mashed the potatoes and Jude set the table. They called Mikey, Stef, and Lena upstairs. Mikey wasn't completely silent as they walked up the stairs; he was giving a few small details about his puppy and was talking about the visit that they would have next week with Rojo. He wasn't cold to Jude as Jude helped him with his plate and he said 'thank you' to Connor when Connor filled his glass with juice.

They sat around the table together.

"Thank you for having us over for supper," Lena said.

"You know we're always happy to see you," Jude replied.

Mikey nodded.

"What do you think of the ham?" Lena asked Mikey.

"It's good." Mikey rolled a pea into his mashed potatoes. "Why did you only talk about Dad and Father when we were downstairs and then when we come upstairs you don't talk about them?"

Stef let out an awkward laugh. "Well, we thought that there might be some things that you didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of your parents."

Mikey frowned. "Like what?"

"Maybe if you were upset about something and you didn't want them to know about it yet," Lena said.

"We wouldn't be upset about that," Jude assured him.

"I don't _like_ secrets. Secrets are the problem! I don't _want_ more secrets!"

"And we don't have any more," Connor said. "You know everything. But if you want to ask us more questions, go ahead."

"Do you still have your apartment?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it still has a few things in it. Father and I are going to clean it out and then I won't have it anymore."

"Will you move out again?"

"No. Father and I are going to stay together."

"Is it going to be like before you moved out?"

"No." This time, Jude answered. "Before Dad moved out, things weren't totally … happy. We're going to be happy. Like how things have been since Dad moved back in."

"Promise?"

"We promise to do our best," Connor said. "That's all that people can do."

Mikey gave a little smile. "Okay."

Stef and Lena smiled at Jude and Connor as Mikey dug into his mashed potatoes. Things would take their time to settle, but they would settle well.

(-.-)

Connor waited anxiously on the front porch, checking his watch time and time again. It was nearly noon. Jude and Mikey had both gone back to school today; the little boy had been grumbling about the fact that Jude only had one hour of class today. Connor checked his cell phone again. Jude hadn't called or texted but it was nearly time for him to be arriving soon.

He looked up, drummed his fingers on the railing of the porch, and then he saw Jude's car. He made himself stay stationary on the porch instead of going out to meet him. Connor knew it would be embarrassing for them both if Connor were to admit how worried he had been about Jude going back to school.

But Jude got out of the car smiling.

"How was class?"

Jude pulled Connor down on the front porch swing.

"It was so weird to be back in the environment," Jude admitted. "Although, you know, I kind of miss the notebooks rather than just typing on my laptop."

"I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that before," Connor chuckled. "How'd you do?"

"Good, I think. We talked about the colours of the rainbow."

"Let's hear them."

Jude took a deep breath. "Um … Rojo … Naranja … Amarillo … Verde … Azul … Índigo … Violeta."

"That's impressive. Was that all you talked about for an hour?"

"No. We also talked about greetings and stuff. So I know how to ask 'how are you'."

"So, ask."

"Como estás?"

"How do I answer that?"

"Bien."

Connor repeated it. Then he asked, "Do you like your professor?"

"He seems really nice! He's kind of old, though."

"Older than you?" Connor teased.

"Even older than you," Jude teased back. "Did you make me lunch?"

"Is that all I'm good for? Doing whatever you want?"

"That's why I married you!"

"I thought you married me for the right to make fun of me."

"Can't it be both? I married you for more than one reason."

"Oh, good. I'd hate to be a one trick pony."

Jude kissed him. "That's only in bed."

"Hey! Wait a minute!"

Jude laughed and left the porch swing, darting in the front door before Connor could get another word out. Connor chased after him, cornering him in the kitchen.

"You did make lunch!" Jude said, peeking in the oven.

"It'll be done in ten minutes. Now, are you going to talk to me or not?"

"Talk to you about what?" Jude asked cheekily. He leant against the counter, turning to face Connor.

"You said I was boring!"

"That's not exactly what I said …"

"Do you think I'm boring?"

"Not in those terms," Jude said.

"Mean!" Connor pushed Jude against the counter.

"Now who's being mean? You're such a bully."

"I'm going to get even meaner," Connor promised. He grasped Jude's hips. "I'm going make you kiss me."

"Oh no," Jude said, melting against Connor. "Whatever will I do? You're so _mean_."

Jude kissed him first. They made out in their kitchen until the oven timer went off. It was a nice day, so they ate outside on the back porch. Connor told Jude about what he had done for work, although there wasn't much to tell. Work actually was boring. They eventually circled around to talking about Mikey and Rojo. After lunch, they went back up the office. Jude put on a TV show and curled up. Every so often, Connor would hear him murmuring Spanish words under his breath; words that, no doubt, he had learnt today in class.

Mikey came home with a shout. "FIFTEEN DAYS UNTIL ROJO COMES HOME!"

"Fifteen days until Rojo comes home!" Jude confirmed.

Mikey burst into the office. He looked at his two parents and then sat down by the pile of toys on the floor. Jude and Connor exchanged glances; Jude moved on to asking Mikey how his day at school went. Mikey answered normally, but Connor still worried. It had only been a few days since they had told him about the fact that they were calling off the divorce and he hadn't seemed any different. Although, he hadn't seen things be different either. Jude and Connor let life continue on as it had before; they didn't really _need_ to change anything. Things were working and they were happy.

After they asked questions about each other's days, Mikey asked if they could have nuggets for dinner. When Jude said yes, he excused himself down to watch TV. Connor watched him go and then he sighed.

"I don't know what else to say to him," Connor said. "I know he's not acting upset but he's not exactly accepting either."

"Time," Jude said. "If it took us months to accept it then it will take him some time to. I don't really think we can do anything else."

"That's true," Connor said. "Should we just leave him downstairs for now and give him some space?"

"I hate to say it's for the best, but it's probably for the best."

Jude wasn't looking incredibly happy about it, so Connor slipped from his desk chair. He settled on the arm of the chair and put his arm around Jude's shoulders. He kissed Jude's temple. Jude's arm wrapped around Connor's waist and then he tugged Connor down into the chair with him.

"I'm going to squish you!" Connor protested.

"That's totally fine … Were you going to do more work?"

"Nope."

Connor settled comfortably on Jude's lap, pressing play on the laptop with his foot. They both kept an ear out for Mikey, but they didn't hear his footsteps. Connor went down, at about four, to check on him, but he said he didn't need anything; that he was happy to be on his own right now. Feeling slightly rejected, Connor returned to Jude's side. Even though it probably would have been more comfortable to be somewhere else, they stay in the armchair together until it got late enough to make supper.

They both went downstairs, though it took nothing to throw fries and nuggets on a pan and put it in the oven. Connor did that while Jude started to tackle the dishes that they had let pile up in the sink. Connor sidestepped around the open dishwasher and reached for their speakers. He let it shuffle through their music as he quickly washed the few dishes that couldn't go in the dishwasher. Just as he was rinsing the bubbles off his hands, his favourite song in the world came on.

" _Take me back to the beginning,_

 _"_ _When love was patient, love was kind …"_

Jude began to sing under his breath. Connor didn't bother to dry his hands; he just grabbed his husband into a dance. Their rings clinked as their left hands clasped and Connor smiled at the sound.

"What kind of a dance is this?" Jude asked, squeezing Connor's hip with his hand.

Connor shrugged; they were certainly holding each other awkwardly. "The fun kind … Here, spin."

Jude spun out and Connor pulled him back in quickly. They ended up in a more traditional dance pose, and Connor flashbacked to several middle school dances where they had ended up like this. Jude pressed their foreheads together and kissed him softly.

" _And I love you. I promise I always will_ ," Connor sang along.

"You're off-key," Jude laughed. " _I promise I always will_."

"You're off-key!"

"You've never been on-key!"

"You're so mean!"

Jude laughed and turned Connor in a spin. As Connor reached the end of his spin, a flash of red caught his eye. He slowed and steadied himself. There was Mikey, peeking into the kitchen.

"Hey," Connor said. "Supper will be ready soon. We thought you'd be getting hungry."

Mikey didn't say anything. He rushed across the kitchen and into Jude's arms. Jude lifted him up and Mikey grabbed onto Connor's bicep, tugging him in close. He stretched between the two of them, an arm around each of their necks.

"Is something wrong?" Connor asked anxiously. "Are you okay?"

Mikey nodded. "I love you."

"We love you too," Jude said.

"Do you love each other?"

"Very much," Connor said. "That's why we made the decision we did. It might not be the easiest thing to stay together, but we both want to."

Mikey sat up in Jude's hold and Connor was relieved to see that he was smiling.

"You're happy!" Mikey announced.

"Very happy," Jude said.

"Are you still sick?"

"I'm getting better. You don't have to worry about me, okay?"

Mikey didn't look completely sure. But he turned to look at Connor. "And you're happy!"

"Yeah," Connor said. "I'm so happy, Mikey."

Mikey didn't hesitate. "I'm happy too!"

Jude squeezed him tightly and Connor wrapped his arms around the two of them.

"I'm glad you're gonna stay married."

"Thank you, that means a lot."

Mikey smiled at Connor's words and rested his head against Connor's shoulders. Jude gently rocked them back and forth. Connor caught his husband's eye and they just smiled at one another. For the first time in months, their family was completely and utterly intact.

It would never shatter again.

 **Thank you to Roberto for the Spanish translations.**

 **June 5** **th** **is the last day to submit songs for the playlist, so, don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are:** ** _Nothing Like Us_** **by Justin Bieber;** ** _You Tell Me_** **by Terri Clark ft. Johnny Reid; and** ** _Come A Little Closer_** **by Dierks Bentley.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	28. And The Other One Is Hailing A Taxi Cab

Jude and Connor arrived home at the same time. Connor paused to let his husband in the driveway first and then parked his car behind Jude's. Jude waited for Connor at the end of his car and kissed him as soon as he was close enough.

"How was the law class today?" Connor asked anxiously.

It had been an awkward morning for Jude. Connor wouldn't call it a bad morning, exactly, but it had teetered that way. It had been hard to get the household up and going in those early hours, and Connor had fretted as Jude had driven off to classes. Connor had almost offered to drive him today and hang out on campus while Jude was on campus. He didn't though. He knew that it would be too smothering – as much as he wanted to wrap Jude in bubble wrap, Jude was a capable adult and Connor knew that he had to let him be so, even on bad days. And, Connor had his own mission to accomplish today, though he hadn't taken his mind off his husband's mood the entire time they were apart. His worrying was all for not; Jude wasn't all smiles now, though he didn't seem upset. He seemed to be at the calm baseline that he tried to maintain rather than completely falling apart.

"I don't think I'm feeling much of anything," Jude said. "But … We're going to have to be excited by two-thirty."

Connor shook his head. "He's going to be over the top."

He unlocked the front door and Jude walked inside. They kicked their shoes off in the grey tray.

"How'd the sublet meeting go?" Jude asked.

"It's gone," Connor said. "I no longer have an apartment and I'm now completely stuck with you."

"Oh, no," Jude drawled. There was a hint of a smile on his face as he glanced at Connor.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah, a little."

Connor herded him into the kitchen. "Is that Jude for 'I know I'm supposed to eat but I really don't feel like eating'?"

"Yeah." Jude put his bag on the counter and then sat next to it. "Can't I live off coffee?"

"I know you didn't eat breakfast," Connor said, pulling out leftovers from the night before. "Please eat a little something."

"Okay, sweetheart," Jude agreed. "But, not too much?"

"No," Connor agreed. "Not too much."

He portioned out their meals and heated them up in the microwave. He'd only given Jude a little, but Jude was still just picking at it.

"Did something happen today? You seem a little more down then when you left."

"No," Jude said. "Nothing like that."

"Something about us or Mikey?" Connor asked. It hadn't even been three weeks since New Year's Eve. As far as he knew, nothing had happened. Then, it clicked. "Are you scared things are getting a little too routine again?"

"I mean, today didn't feel like a good day anyway," Jude said. "But I was sitting in class and I was surrounded by all these young kids who had four different plans for tonight and it's a Tuesday. And … I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, because I don't like change. I find comfort in the routine. But I was just thinking that I could almost anticipate everything we would do tonight, right down to the conversation topics. I'd come home and we would talk about class and work and Mikey would come home and we'd lecture him about the puppy and then we would go to Moms' and we'd talk about how we were doing and Callie would probably fight about us being back together and I'd get upset and you would get upset and Mikey would get upset and then we'd come home and tell Mikey that everything was fine and then I'd probably cry while we watched a documentary and you held me." Jude sucked in a deep breath.

Connor shook his head and reached out to take Jude's hand. "Oh, Jude. You're going to make me do it, aren't you?"

"Do what?"

"We have date plans on Thursday," Connor revealed. "And I was also going to mention to you that Amber mentioned a couple's cooking class to me that she thought you and I might want to join with her and Cassandra. It's every Wednesday starting the first week of February and ending the last week of March."

Jude looked down at the table. "Oh." He sounded a little embarrassed.

"I've learnt, Jude," Connor promised. "I know how to listen now."

"A cooking class would be fun," Jude said, looking up. "Especially with Amber and Cassandra."

"Then remember tonight to ask your Moms what they're doing for the next few Wednesdays coming up."

"I will." Jude's foot nudged against Connor's. "I'm sorry."

"For what? If you're worried about something, I want you to tell me. I was just trying to surprise you a little on Thursday, but maybe that's not the best idea."

"What if you told me that we were going? I don't mind not knowing what we do, I just like to know something's coming. Plus, what if I ever planned a date for the same night?"

"That's a good point." Connor played his foot up the inside of Jude's calf. "Okay, well, don't plan anything for Thursday. We have a date. Brandon's already agreed to take Mikey and Rojo."

"Poor Brandon," Jude sighed.

"We don't know the puppy is going to be that bad."

"We'll know by Thursday," Jude said. "I mean, it'll be fun. I'm looking forward to having him. But those first few days aren't going to be great, I know that. He's going to be a lot of work. Especially for you."

"It'll be busy as we all get used to each other, but, other than that, I think we'll do okay. And it's not like you're gone for that long every day. You can pull night shift to make up for it."

"Well, we'll know soon."

Jude stood up from the table and gathered up his half-finished meal. Connor was finished now, so they put their things in the dishwasher. They tidied up a little around the house, but they didn't have time to do much before Mikey came screaming into the house, smacking the door off the wall so drastically that Connor would have sworn the whole house shook.

"IT'S TIME TO GO GET ROJO! DAD! FATHER! IT'S TIME! LET'S GO! IT'S TIME!"

Mikey came streaking into Jude's and Connor's bedroom with his shoes still on; something that was uncharacteristic of him, since Jude had trained both he and Connor that shoes went in the tray. He pulled at Connor's shirt, his cheeks nearly as red as his hair.

"Where's Father!? It's time to go get Rojo! Come on, come on! Where is he?"

Jude walked out of the bathroom. "I'm right here. Are you ready?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Then, down to the car! We're taking Dad's."

"Okay!"

Mikey seized Jude's hand and yanked him down the stairs. Connor was left behind to gather up his car keys and lock the front door. Mikey was bouncing up and down in the backseat and plucking at his seatbelt.

"Is it going to be a long drive?"

"You know how long of a drive it is," Connor said, backing out of the driveway.

"Is it going to feel long? Sometimes things feel long but they're not really long and then sometimes things feel short when they're not really short."

"I can't tell you how it's going to feel. Hopefully it passes by quickly."

Mikey was too antsy for it to pass by quickly. He jumped around as much as his seatbelt would allow him to. About every forty seconds, it seemed, he asked how long it would be until they were at Melissa's. Connor was about as excited as Mikey when he was finally able to answer, "We're right around the corner."

They parked in the driveway and Mikey made it more than clear that Jude and Connor were _old_ and they moved far too _slowly_. He danced between them as they knocked on the front door.

"Hi, Mikey!" Melissa said. "Are you here to pick someone up?"

"Yes!"

"Well, go ahead and see him. You know where he is."

Mikey tore to the back of the house. Connor and Jude paused to pay Melissa the rest of the money for Rojo.

"Anything we should know?" Jude asked.

"I always give people this," Melissa said, turning around and grabbing a sheet of bright green paper. "It doesn't have all of the info that you will need but all of the websites at the bottom of the page give all the advice that I would, so I'd recommend checking there before you checked anywhere else. If you run into big problems, then call me, for sure. I'm happy to answer anything."

"Thank you, so much," Connor said.

"Thank you. I hope Mikey and Rojo get along."

They walked to the back of the house, where Rojo was standing up in Mikey's lap, licking his face enthusiastically. Mikey was playing with Rojo's ears and running his hands down to the top of his tail. He cuddled the puppy, knocking the small animal off balance. Rojo yipped excitedly as he fell between Mikey's crossed legs. He launched himself back onto Mikey's knee, sniffing at his forearm.

"Getting along won't be the problem," Jude said. "Separating the two of them will be."

"How are we convincing Mikey to go to school tomorrow?" Connor whispered.

"Brute force," Jude replied.

Connor wasn't sure if he was joking or not.

"Are you ready to come home?" Mikey asked. "You're going to love it! We have a big back yard and a fence so you can't get out and we're going to have lots and lots of fun."

"Can you pick him up, Mikey? Or do you want Father or I to carry him out to the car?"

Mikey stood carefully. Rojo sat down on Mikey's shoe. Mikey scooped the fluffy puppy into his arms.

"Hold him tight so he doesn't run away when we get outside."

"I've got him, Father!"

Jude kept a careful eye on Mikey and Rojo as they walked out to the car. Mikey handed Rojo over to Jude while he buckled himself in and then he reached out for his dog again. Jude placed Rojo in Mikey's lap, warning Mikey to hold him so that he didn't hurt himself in the moving car. The drive home was filled with Mikey's excited conversations to Rojo and the puppy did his best to answer back, letting out little barks every now and then. They stopped twice and convinced Rojo to pee, and then they were back on the road. When they arrived home, Rojo peed one more time on the lawn, and Mikey took him inside.

Connor carefully set a timer to remind Jude and himself to take the dog out. The last thing that either of them wanted was puppy pee all over the house. While Rojo was curious about the house and all that was in it, Mikey immediately directed him to the living room. Jude and Connor sat down next to the coffee table. On it, was the blue puppy collar that Mikey had been staring at since Christmas. He wanted to put the collar on himself, but Jude had to refuse.

"He's not going to like the collar, remember? And we need to make sure that it's not too tight or too loose. And you need to watch him to make sure that he doesn't get stuck on anything."

"I'll watch him carefully!" Mikey swore.

Mikey held the wriggling puppy still and Jude slipped the collar over the puppy's tiny head. Rojo immediately set about shaking his head and pushing his small paws against the collar. He yipped at Jude; he knew exactly who had done this to him.

Mikey, though, wasn't about to let Rojo get hung up on the collar.

"Come on, Rojo! I'll show you the rest of the house!"

"Careful on the stairs!" Connor yelled. "He's too little and make sure you hold onto him tightly!"

"I've got him, Dad!"

Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "He'll be as careful holding that puppy as we were with him as a newborn."

"I hope that dog is tough," Connor said. "Mikey's not going to leave him alone for even half a second."

Mikey's loud laugh came from upstairs and they heard the yipping sounds of the puppy.

"HE LIKES MY ROOM!" Mikey called. "He wants to stay with me!"

"He will soon!" Jude called back.

Connor wrapped his arms around Jude. "This is perfect."

"Yeah," Jude murmured. He turned so that he could put his arms around Connor's waist. "This is perfect. I love you, you know?"

"I know," Connor replied. "I love you too."

Eventually, Mikey, Connor, Jude, and Rojo all ended up in the basement. Connor and Jude took turns taking Rojo out to pee, Mikey accompanying them every time. Rojo liked to take his time sniffing around the fenced yard and, once, he pounced on Mikey's soccer ball, and Mikey promised that he would teach Rojo how to play. Connor wondered how that would go and he was also hoping to have a camera around when Mikey did try.

It came time to pack up Mikey and Rojo and take them over to Stef's and Lena's. The Adams-Foster-Stevens were the first to arrive and Mikey proudly carried Rojo into the house and deposited him in Lena's lap.

"Oh, Mikey, he's so cute!"

"I know!" Mikey beamed. "I love him."

"And he loves you too," Stef said.

Rojo stood up on Lena's lap but after sniffing her for a moment out of polite curiousity, went back to pawing at Mikey.

"Make sure you take him out to pee," Stef said.

"Connor has a timer set," Jude assured her.

"And make sure you keep an eye on him," Lena warned. "We don't want him getting stuck in the house somewhere."

"I doubt you could get Mikey to take his eyes off Rojo."

"He's in love," Jude said after Connor had spoken.

Connor's phone timer went off.

"My turn," Jude said. "Come on, Rojo."

Mikey called to the puppy and he happily followed along. He tried to pause and sniff at everything, but Jude made sure he was hurried along.

"So," Lena said, leaning toward Connor.

"So," he said. He hadn't really seen any of Jude's family since they had reunited. It was his first family dinner. Mikey had more or less let it slip to everyone, but Connor still didn't expect things to go well.

"Are _you_ still in love, Connor?"

"With Jude? Always."

"We're so happy for you," Stef said.

The front door opened and the three of them turned as Callie and Alex walked in with Jude and Mikey. Alex was happily chatting to Mikey, saying that he'd picked the best puppy name after all. Callie was close to Jude's side and her eyes fell on Connor, sitting on Stef's and Lena's couch like he belonged there – like he had never left.

"Hey, Callie," Connor said. He knew that he couldn't ignore her, but he didn't know how to talk to his sister-in-law anymore.

"Hi, Connor," Callie said stiffly. She turned to her brother, "Can I talk to you in the kitchen?"

"Sure," Jude agreed. She whisked by him, and Jude used a nod to gesture Connor along with him.

"Sure?" Connor mouthed.

Jude nodded and gestured again.

Connor stood up from the couch and followed Jude into the kitchen. Callie crossed her arms over her chest.

"I thought I was going to talk to you alone," she said quietly.

Mindful of their family being so close, Jude and Connor stepped closer to her.

"I know this is about him and our relationship," Jude said. "You might as well say it to the both of us, Callie. He's not going anywhere."

"I don't understand what's going on, Jude."

"And I keep telling you that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I love Connor. I'm going to stay married to him. Our family is going to be together."

Callie's dark eyes flickered to Connor. "So that's it, then? You're doing this for Mikey."

Connor shook his head vehemently. "If being divorced was the right thing for Mikey, then we would get divorced. Us being happy is the best thing for him. Us being together is the best thing for all of us."

"You've been living together again since, what, October? I don't get it!"

"Callie," Connor said warningly.

"Don't! He's my brother!" she snapped. "Moms clearly know. Why is it such a big secret? Did you have an affair? Did you –"

"I tried to kill myself."

Jude's bomb dropped calmly into the middle of Callie's tirade and she stopped, struck dumb by his words. She took a step back from him.

"W … Wh … What?"

"In September. Connor saved me. He moved back in to help me. And we grew together again." Jude closed his eyes and steadied himself. He reached for Connor's hand and, after a reassuring squeeze, looked at his sister again. "What more do you need to know?"

Connor expected Callie to start rattling off questions. Instead, she leant back against the counter.

"Um, nothing right now, I guess. I … I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I didn't want to tell," Jude said. "It's not an easy thing for me to say and I just want to be able to move beyond it. But, there you go, Callie. There's really nothing else for you to know, okay?"

She nodded, and then Jude reached forward and embraced her. She clung to him for a moment.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yes. I'm _happy_ now," Jude clarified. "I promise."

"I'm here for you, Jude. Always. Whatever you need. It's okay to call me."

"Thanks, Callie," he whispered. "I'm okay now. I'm getting better."

Callie hugged him tighter.

"Father?" Mikey called.

"Coming," Jude called back.

He let go of Callie and left the kitchen. Connor went to follow, but Callie's voice turned him around again.

"I owe you a better apology than that."

Connor tucked his hands into his pockets and waited, because that, in itself, was not an apology.

"I'm sorry. I thought I understood more than I really did. I'm sorry for unfairly judging you. You and Jude went through a hard time that I don't fully understand but I can't penalize you for that. You were – are – there for him when no one else can be. He loves you and you love him. So, thank you for that."

"Thank you for the apology, Callie. You are my sister too. I never intended to hurt him and I'm going to keep atoning for hurting him in the past. We're happy now. And he really is getting better, I promise you that too."

Callie nodded, and before either of them could say something else, Connor heard his name being called. He stuck his head out of the kitchen, only to be hugged by Mariana.

"Connor!"

"Hey!"

"Oh, I know Jude's been wearing his ring again but it's so nice to finally see you here! I know you were here at Christmas but I mean here, as his husband. I'm so happy you worked it out."

"Me too," Connor agreed. "Me too."

Mariana beamed at him, and then she, Callie, and Connor went to the living room, where everyone was crowding in. Connor took his place at Jude's side.

"Everything okay?" Jude asked.

"Better than," Connor assured him.

Jude smiled at him and Connor couldn't help but smile back. And, really, why should he stop? He was with his family again – his husband, his son, their new dog, and his in-laws. Jesus and Kimiko were the next to arrive.

"Brandon's right behind us," Jesus announced. "And you will not believe who's with him."

Connor had an idea and, when he glanced over at Stef and Lena, he was able to catch the knowing look between them. The front door opened again and Marley skipped into the living room, haphazardly throwing her jacket to the floor.

"Daddy!" she yelled. "Mikey's puppy is here!"

Rojo leapt into Mikey's lap at the sound of her shriek and Mikey curled around him protectively.

"His name is Rojo! And don't yell! He's just a baby."

"Sorry," Marley apologized. "Can I pet him?"

"Maybe," Mikey said, petting his dog.

Brandon stepped into the room, a woman trailing along behind him. She had long, wavy black hair and dark eyes and skin.

"Everyone, this is Abby," Brandon said, catching their attention. "This is my girlfriend."

"Hello," she said brightly. "It's so nice to meet you."

Brandon began making individual introductions. As Abby reached forward to shake Lena's hand, Marley turned to her grandmother.

"Isn't Abby pretty?" Marley asked.

"She's very pretty," Stef agreed.

"Thank you," Abby told Marley. "I appreciate that."

Marley leant her head back and stared up at Abby. "Almost as pretty as my mom."

"Marl –" Brandon started.

Abby, though, knelt down next to Marley. "That's an amazing compliment. Can you introduce me to your cousin?"

Marley smiled at her. She pointed. "That's Mikey and that's his puppy, Rojo. Dad's going to get me a puppy, you know."

"I said we could _talk_ about a pet."

Marley ignored Brandon. "And that's Carla with Uncle Greg but she's just a baby and she doesn't do anything."

"You don't like babies?" Abby asked, and Marley shook her head vehemently.

"Good girl," Brandon muttered under his breath.

Stef leant back into the couch, stretching her arm around Lena's shoulders. "It's so nice when the whole family is together."

Connor put his arm around Jude and Jude leant back against him. Mikey crawled up on Jude's laughed and lifted Rojo up onto Connor's lap. The puppy sniffed him and, when satisfied that he knew who Connor was, he stretched forward and bit onto the hem of Mikey's jeans, pulling on it to get Mikey's attention.

"Father, Rojo _really_ wants to sleep in my room. He said so!"

And Connor smiled while Jude smiled. It was more than nice when the whole family was together, and his family was going to be together forever.

 **The playlist is now closed! If you suggested a song but it didn't appear in chapter, don't worry, it's on the full versions of the playlist, which can be found on** ** _Youtube_** **and on my tumblr! If you need some extra tips on how to access it, please message me and I'll help you out! Thank you so much for everyone who added to it and who decided to read this story! Your support means a lot.**

 **This week's songs are:** ** _Lay By Me_** **by firekid (reader recommended);** ** _Try_** **by The XX; and** ** _When The Lights Go Down_** **by Jason Walker.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


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